YSaC, Vol. 528: Somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota…
2009 December 27
The bible is an important document in world civilization, but there are a number of scholars who believe it is not entirely historically accurate. For example, while it mentions Locusts, Frogs, and Angels of Death, there’s surprisingly no mention of the:
Raccoon Plague – $30
Wooden Plague polyurethane finish measures 21 inches across heavy with metal mount. Great for rustic environment of an animal lover. Cash only you are responsible for pick up in #######
I wonder why that is?
Thanks for the link, Erin!
I’m not a bible scholar, but I thought it was mentioned in Paul’s letter to the Gideons, wherein he tells the parable of Nancy, Dan, and the drunken physician.
It must be from the New Testament, Windrose, because Paul is dead. Always was.
Amber, you’re correct. One of my favorite passages is where John tenderly buries Paul and has the Egg Man write a song to commemorate the event. Koo-Koo-Kachoo!
Really? I thought Paul was the walrus…
Well, his mind went long before his spirit was sundered from his body. He only thought he was the walrus.
I always thought raccoons were a bit shifty (it’s the masks), but I had no idea they caused/were/are a plague. Alert the town mob, we gots us some ‘coon huntin’ to do!
WHO let the dogs out. The World Health Organization always gets involved in plagues of this scope.
Dan is absolutely correct. The Raccoon Plague figures prominently in the Late Bronze strata of Tell es-Sultan (aka Jericho) as well as several other Levantine settlements. Its omission from the Hebrew Bible is one of the evidences used by advocates of the Documentary Hypothesis to prove that the JE, P, and D authors were writing well after the fact. Sorry, Joshua!
I just had coffee, and realize this is a terrorist posting! This person is willing to sell the bio-weapon known as the Raccoon Plague for a mere $30! I’m pretty sure they could have held out for $50.
The reason it is such a low price is because so far the raccoon plague only affects those who eat raccoons. So it’s really more of a public service than a terrorist weapon.
I’m not so sure about the raccoon plague itself being terrorist, but as for the actual raccoons I’m going to look for short people with stripy tails and masks tomorrow on the plane. You may call it profiling, but I call it homeland security!
And then in those days the raccoons shall afflict thy house, and will get into thy garbage and spread it across thy yard and the yard of thy neighbor; Lo, the will be no animal control to rid thee of thy ‘coons. And there will be great weeping and gnashing of teeth when thy firstborn son is called to restore thy trash to a bag, and the smell of polyurethane will be all about thee.
and we will surely have to let loose the holy hand grenade of antioch.
sure that isn’t a rabbit?
You can’t fool me. I know a Tiger Plague when I see one.
Well, it’s definitely not a lion.
2 things are pretty clear from this ad:
1) The poster assumes all animal lovers live in unibomber-style abodes and lack taste
2) The reason the Raccoon Plague occured was because (insert Deity here) wanted to prevent the lustful and sinful acts the racoons were about to engage in (see picture above – & Rac 13:13)
It took me a while to see that there was indeed a picture of three racoons on the “plague.” When I first looked at it I saw a round head with two soulless eyes, a nose and a very creepy smile. It certainly looked like something that would plague my nightmares.
I think we need a “spellcheck fail” tag. Those are all *real* words, just one of them is not the *right* word.
Actually, not only IS there a raccoon plague; it was started by Nazi Germany!
Read all about it here: http://austriantimes.at/index.php?id=13547
“…in a bid to find out how to tackle the Nazi raccoon plague, scientists have been studying their breeding habits.”
Biblical? Come now people, seriously? CLEARLY, this was written by a former executive at the Umbrella Corporation. Everyone knows that they took a major hit in the financial crisis and had to sell off assets to cover debt obligations. Obviously, this “raccoon plague” is a reference to the nasty disease that turned the denizens of Raccoon City into zombies several years ago. If you don’t remember the incident in question, they did make a really crappy documentary about it.
I think the thing that seals this case for me is the proclamation that it is “Great for rustic environment of an animal lover”. Because, as we all know, nothing compliments the deep woods like a few zombies. Also, I’m sure that the plague would be very appealing to hardcore animal lovers, because zombies, by and large, live in harmony with their environment. They subsist entirely on human brains, rather than animals, leave virtually no waste because their victims usually turn into zombies themselves, AND they’re biodegradeable.
The racoon plague is always followed by the garbage plague and finished by the cussing plague (while cleaning up from the garbage plague).
Not sure of what they’re trying to say in the final sentence. Is it “Cash only; you are responsible for pickup”? Or Cash; only you are responsible for pickup”? If the latter, it would be easier if I could send my plague-loving friend to pick it up given I wouldn’t want anyone else to know I have such abysmal taste in plagues!
It’s been a tense day here at YSaC. Everyone is wondering, in the midst of two huge holidays, will the revered Llamanun and her illustrious consort, The Ostremu, have time to update the Don’t Suck box? Or, as sometimes happens, will everyone have to hold on to their cards and return tomorrow to see who the next lucky winner will be?
*puts her hole punch back in its holster*
Good night, folks!
It’s not so much “time” as it is “remember to do so,” and occasionally “can be arsed to do so.” Likely it will not be updated quite as regularly for the next week while we’re on the coast.
I disagree. Sometimes it is “time”. And sometimes, the ostrimu is right — while we’re in San Francisco for a week, that might not be updated as semi-irregularly as when we’re not on vacation.
“And sometimes, the ostrimu is right” — drmk
That would make a nice plague. 8)
Have fun, and enjoy the disquieting lack of sea lions!
Reminds me of a time when I recieved an ad in my inbox for “Acting Lesions.”
Ew! I think you should have those looked at! 8/
Raccoon “plague” is real.
They also carry rabies. Beware of strangers in masks.
They’re a plague, all right — if you’re T-Rex, and they come with cephalopods!
I think what amazes me is that this poster couldn’t spell “plaque”, but could spell “polyurethane”.