YSaC, Vol. 605: It’s better to smell good than to be a fat chick.
Only if your Good Looking! – 21
I just want to see whats out there, I am also looking for a girl to hangout with during my free time. I am 21 good looking and you should be too!!! Please be around my age. I am kinda slim to athletic built. I work full time and and I’m also pre-med . I love life and just want to share all these good days with someone beautiful. Please don’t think i’m shallow ..i just have morals.
Just email me with a pic and we can go from there. [Location] is ok with I have a car and can travel. Look forward to seeing how this works.
Molly sent this ad in, saying, “I found the following ad and decided I couldn’t ignore this level of douchebaggery. If any post were worthy of an asshat tag, this is it.
“I can overlook his lack of proper punctuation. I wasn’t even really bothered by his obviously superb grasp of grammar or his stock model-esque photograph that couldn’t possibly be fake.”
As always, TinEye is my go-to resource for researching online images. You’re right, Molly — this couldn’t possibly be a fake — our friend here is the model who posed for the ad campaign for John Varvatos cologne! This explains why he can’t share his life with someone who isn’t beautiful.
Well, you know, that … and the fact that he has morals. As Molly pointed out, “What got me was the last sentence of the first paragraph and his implication that it is immoral to bone heavy women. Apparently, he has remembered one of Aristotle’s lesser known components to a good life–no fat chicks.”
Thanks, Molly!
I can at least feel smug, knowing the shit to which this guy has opened himself. Karma doesn’t fool around, and she doesn’t waste time. He’s going to pick a beauty, and end up strangled after sex, dumped in the ocean, and eaten, if he’s lucky, by little fishies. And that’s the good possibility!
I like the way your brain works, Windrose.
Or on the other end, he’s trying to FIND someone to strangle after sex and dump in the ocean.
Even serial killers have “morals”.
Let’s hope this dude’s girlfriend doesn’t.* 😉
*Hypothetically speaking, of course.
I thought I was reading an ad from my ex boyfriend. I started to write a long drawn out story explaining his douche behavior, but I’ll sum it up in his explanation of how he could date me:
“It’s okay. You have skinny ankles, so I believe you have the potential to be thin”.
And people wonder why I passed up the chance to marry *him.
*I.E.: his millions.
Money or emotional warfare? I can easily see why you’d pass that up, and I’m broke as crap.
The asshat tag was never so appropriate.
I once saw an ad titled “Averge guy 4 model type.” Talk about your unrealistic expectations. I felt like writing to ask, “Did youread your headline?”
Speaking of titles or headlines, I am having a hell of a time trying to construe this one. What does it mean?
My guess is that he has omitted a few words in order to keep it on a single line, and that Molly wasn’t far off when she invoked Aristotle.
Probably our questing Platonist means something like “[I would] only [be interested in you] if your [concept of the form of the] good [is] looking”—that is, if you’re not merely a restless soul at heart, but you consider yourself ethically committed to a search for perfection.
But if he meant that, he probably would have written Only if your good's looking!, which isn’t much longer and makes the sense plainer.
On the other hand, maybe he’s illiterate as well as dishonest and shallow.
Maybe I’ve misread it, but nowhere does he say anything about bigger women. He just said someone beautiful. It’s kind of presumptuous to assume that his version of someone beautiful is not larger than him. I could be wrong though.
Kate,
Whenever I read these and they mention beautiful, if they also want big(ger), they specify. It’s not out of the question to assume he is potentially envisioning someone anorexically skinny with a surgically overenhanced chest. Just saying.
I’m glad you added “surgically enhanced” to the description. As someone a young woman I was relatively thin, but rather endowed and I can’t tell you how many asshats back in the day considered me a “fat chick” because they didn’t defy gravity.
Please excuse the extra “someone” hanging out in my reply. Either the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet or I’ve been reading YSaC so long that I’m becoming fluent in idiot.
Christina – same here. Thanks for articulating.
Fluent in Idiot. That’s going on my resume.
Kate, just as Lola states, he would have to specify if he is trying to attract someone beautiful in a special way. The code BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) was something I always looked for in the days when I was reading personal ads. Look at the nearest magazine or watch the next ad on the telly. You will see what our culture is accepting as beautiful. Anything different would be called out. I am so very blessed to have found a man who loves me for the person I am, not the shape I am in. I better stop there, or I will need to get a room!
If Chtuhlhuluh does show up in the thread, we’ll definitely tell you to GAR! 8)
Sweetest. Comment. Ever.
I think that link to TinEye is broken, boss. The idea still gets across, but the URL you’re linking to as YSaC in it.
D’oh. Fixed. Thanks, Isaac.
Well, it is better to link good than to feel good, if you know what I mean. And you know who you are…
Pre-med? He’s in training to pick out a trophy wife after he becomes a rich and famous plastic surgeon with his own reality show. Or at least that is his plan.
He also builds orphanages during his summers, and tames wild stallions as a “little hobbie”. Oh, and he once had to give the Heimlich to Donald Trump, and now “The Donald” is his close personal friend, and they totally catch killer waves in Maui.
And this model/pre med/athlete/humanitarian thought and thought and thought, “Now WHERE can I find the perfect gal to just hang out with? Where are all the QUALITY women?” And he thought and thought and thought….
And then he realized the narcotics he stole out of the pharmacy at work were kicking in, and he better just whip up a post and throw it on Craigslist. The rest is history.
… Because, you know, the college campus at which he is studying “pre -med” either enrolls (a.) only boys or (b.) only ugly chicks.
My advice to Young AssBeret, if he is a real boy and not made of spam, is that he get himself out of Chem lab and into another part of campus once in a while. Take a course in English or Psychology: not only might you learn some grammar or some capacity to imagine the inner lives of other humans, but you might also see a girl.
If you can’t find dozens of women your own age and up to your aesthetic standards at any random college, then you might as well put your eyes out, because they aren’t working.
Or at least that’s what I remember from attending college. Now that I teach at one, as a happily married pedant, all those young women just seem homely, boring, bland, and juvenile.
See, I was thinking he just need to pull his guitar out and start jamming in the quad. I mean, the girls used to swarm like honey bees around those “sensitive musicians” when I was in college.
*yes, Jamming in the Quad WOULD be a great name for a band.
But Isaac, I bet to them you are the height of mature, experienced sexuality.
“buzz buzz”
You bet, Meredith. For today’s co-ed, nothing smolders like a portly dork who gives you a C.
Isaac, from what I’ve heard about a huge obsessive following of Professor Snape, you are spot on.
if I ever get an apprentice or a band, I shall name it Young AssBeret.
I actually didn’t manage to find any guys I was interested in dating at my college, but then again I was a socially awkward computer geek at a small liberal arts school. I had a hard time finding anyone local who was comfortable with my level of geekery. I ended up having a couple of long distance relationships with guys I met on the Internet.
So, Meredith, I see you’re lucky enough to have never run across this type before. that would just be terrible. *snerk*
And this model/pre med/athlete/humanitarian thought and thought and thought, “Now WHERE can I find the perfect gal to just hang out with? Where are all the QUALITY women?” And he thought and thought and thought…. (per Meredith)
…”I know! I should be on The Bachelor! Only high class, beautiful women there!”
He’s in training to pick out a trophy wife after he becomes
Ok, Animal House line: “Pre-law? I thought he was Pre-med? What’s the difference?” leaps to mind.
Ok, 21 and somewhare in one’s three-year process to get accepted to medschool (presumably not in Monsarrat). So, all this free time for dating while cramming for MCATs, keeping insane GPAs up, and all while having good-for-application extracurriculars–no, no smell factor there.
Then, this attractive waif is to expect an unsepcified sort of relationship with someone who might be packing up to leave for years of med school. To leave even ordinary University standards of poverty and overwork well behind. And, if having braved all that, to enter into the indenture of Internship and Residency?
Real Med Student Hook-up ad:
Wore-out, broke, studies too much over-driven Type-A personality needs liason with non-repulsive partner for 5-6 minutes.
Real!!!!!Fun!!!!!!
“Real Med Student Hook-up ad:
Wore-out, broke, studies too much over-driven Type-A personality needs liason with non-repulsive partner for 5-6 minutes.
Real!!!!!Fun!!!!!!”
Capn, you’re so generous. I’d have said a minute and a half to three minutes. (I have a friend who swears her husband never went past two the seven years they were married, and he didn’t have premed studies as an excuse.)
“It’s not my fault, you’re just so good, baby!”
……….
Capn, you’re so generous
Well, I was allowing for introductions, “Hi, I’m Sparky, you ready yet?” and the waking up from nodding off after, or such similar disorientation from sleep deprvication.
Further, on the rather high probablity of Sparky being in pre-orderly school, time needed to be added for tobbacco use after.
Ah, then your timing, including dressing and the pre-“game” shots beforehand, is appropriate.
Pre-med? Perhaps he hasn’t had this morning’s little injection yet….
Happy Pi day everyone! Get your orders in early, the blueberry goes quickly!
And Happy First Day of Daylight Saving Time! This should explain it:
http://geography.about.com/cs/daylightsavings/a/dst.htm
Here on this Pi Day of Daylight Saving, I have discovered that someone we all adore is big in Sweden. (That’s a link there.)
To you, O Honored One, I raise a fork of key lime!
That. Is. Awesome!!
Damned work comuter won’t let me see it. I’ll have to wait till I get home to view. NO SPOILERS!!!
It’s okay, Meredith. We won’t tell you that the boat sinks.
… or that the friar’s fake poison plan backfires and they both wind up committing suicide.
I thought his name was friar Lawrence , not Isaac.
Dumbledore DIES!!!!!!
He’s my father?
I didn’t see that coming…
Even worse, that chick with the killer buns is your….
sister. *gasp*
By “buns,” of course, you are referring to her hairstyle, right?
Her hair? Oh, yes, her HAIR! That’s um, exactly what I meant. Hair.
That makes me want to saab for joy.
holy. crap.
that. is. AHmazing!
Wow! That was totally worth the FOREVER it took to load! And now I’m all weepy. We love you!
Big in Sweden, can it be very long before the Revered One takes over the world?? I.Think.Not.
Ah, but buttermilk would be better for me
And now I want fried chicken from Royer’s in Round Top, with obligatory pie for dessert (50¢ extra if served without bluebell ice cream).
it costs more WITHOUT the ice cream? weird.
I’ve been to Round Top several times! (I did the Shakespeare at Winedale summer thing once back in the early ’90s.)
Hey, they make the pie to go with ice cream, it’s almost essential.
Royer’s is worth the drive, and the price.
And, the fried chicken is almost better the next day cold, too.
Ours doesn’t start for two more weeks. does that mean no pi for me then?
Oh and wow on the link Issac
I hope SilvaNoir won’t mind me appropriating her image like that. But it seemed appropriate to appropriate it like that.
I doubt she’ll mind, she’ll probably be rather pleased.
It looks good on my coffee mug too by the way drmk.
“Please be around my age.”
Son, I take great pains NOT to be around people your age, and that’s no easy task living in a college* town.
I’m pretty sure pre-med means his doctor hasn’t found the right anti-psychotic for him yet.
*I accidentally typed collage town first, that might be a fun place to live.
I’d rather live on that peninsula they keep mentioning in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
“Meet me in Montage”.
Seriously, to live in a place where all of your most mundane acts are spliced together to a catchy riff, and by doing so only take mere moments to achieve arduous tasks….THAT is the town for me!!!
Win.
Montage is a pretty cheap trip, right? I think you can get there by commuter train.
Whereas you have to pay a pretty penny for a holiday in Mise en Scène, what with airline tickets and the exchange rate and all…
I…I got a win. I got a win from Isaac. I’m truly proud of myself right now.
The pun is made all the more plausible by other Long Island place names, like Hauppauge and Patchogue, though I guess both of those end with a hard g.
/Big Bird
Todays’ pun is made possible by the following:
the letter G
Cat Math
Meredith
Long Island
Been to Hauppage. No offense to the good people of Hauppage, but I’d much rather be in Montage, and no, I don’t mean Montauk. (Montage is less expensive, and the rich culosombreros haven’t discovered it yet.)
Yay for Meredith and Long Island. But … cat math kicks my ass even worse than regular math (lowest math percentile allowed in grad school, made up for by vocab and logic section of GRE, even though I’m convinced that it was total Cat Logic. Not to be confused with Cat Power.)
Hey, Graham and HHNF! We can be co-punched by Windrose for being in the box.
I’d say “group hug!” but … 8)
I see a room over there we can all “hug” in….>
Heh-heh. Heheheheheheh. “Box.” Heheheheh.
Whoo, that was hard work typing that. According to union rules, I have to take a break now. See you all in 15 minutes.
Heh-heh. “Union.” hehehehe.
Heh heh heh. “Co-punched.” Heh heh huh huh.
Heh heh heh. “can” Heh heh huh huh.
I’d like to thank Lola, Meredith, Windrose, Graham, cat math, corey and llamanun. *goes off on weepy, boring, insincere tangent*
15 minutes, Graham? According to Lola’s earlier statement, I think we’d need to go on a week-long hiatus after that much work.
Just don’t thank Jesus, too. I’m sure we and our posts (in the words of Anne Lamott) “make Him want to drink gin straight from the cat dish.”
I wonder if he meant to type “i just have morels”. He does seem awfully fungus-like.
I just want to see what portabellas are out there, I am also looking for a chanterelle to hangout with during my free time. I am 21 good looking and you should be too!!! Please be around my age. I am a kinda slim to athletic built truffle pig. I root around for fungi full-time and and I’m also pre-med . I love life and just want to share all these good creminis and shiitakes with someone beautiful. Please don’t think i’m shallow ..i just have morels.
“I’m a fun guy.”
*groan*
“I’m a fun guy.”
Ok, if we read that a la francais, you are FOOn Gee; would that not be an error of plural?
Would not want to make an asperagus of either of us.
I think he’s full of shiitake and boletus. He’s a helvella liar, too. I wouldn’t want this fungus among us. I definitely wouldn’t let him touch my clitopilus or volvariella with a golden needle. He really blewit with this post. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actually a fairy-ring old man of the woods with a shaggy mane who scaber-stalks portabellas.
I have a sweet tooth for a much more admirable bolete. A nice Italian white sounds good.
I’m not part of the Micological Society at all.
(hey, look, a straw!) *graspity-grasp*
I wanna know, did the poster have someone write him a letter for the ethics committee?
Even if this ad works, what is he going to say to the woman when they meet?
Bimbo: You looked handsome in your picture but you look a little bit like Quasimodo in real life… what happened?
Shallow “pre-med” idiot: I’m having a bad-face day.
“Um, I caught my head in a mechanical rice picker after that photo was taken.”
ISAAC! TOS Trek reference for the win!
“You might be a nerd if…”
I’m glad you didn’t just type: TOSFTW. As a former military member and current federal worker, I’m over-acronymed.
Ed, I work for local government. I know. If a UAM is ABAWD but you don’t P&P together, he doesn’t have to register for FSET.
If only there was an American, uh, missionary living close by who was a, uh, skilled, uh, plastic surgeon in civilian life who…
Bianchi, you do a really good Shatner voice!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWogTTQJRmE
He was told by someone that the phrases “pre-med” and “work full time” would even make Frankenstein’s monster look like George Clooney.
I really think this douche bag thinks the word “morals” is the same as “standards”. Apparently his only “standards” are that she is beautiful and around his age. No mention of intelligence or personality. Oh and although he didn’t mention it, he might also be looking for someone with low-self esteem who won’t see through his “deep as a puddle” ego.
Good luck in med school, son. I give it one month before you have to drop out for being a dumbass.
Pre-med and med school are entirely different things. Pretty much any troglodyte can go to Trailer Trash Community College and declare themselves a pre-med. To actually matriculate at an accredited medical school takes a bit more work, though–like actually completing an undergraduate degree just as one small example.
But I suppose he can just hang someone else’s degree on his wall and call himself an MD. It works for pictures, after all.
Well regardless, the point is, this kid is getting nowhere near a medical degree. God help us all if he does. Although he would probably specify that he will only treat beautiful women around his age.
I’m not a doctor. I just post as one on CL.
Dammit, penguin, I’m a commenter, not a doctor!
Well, there’s always those Caribbean med schools … though I suppose that he’d eventually figure out what “culosombrero” means.
… Como se dice “proctologist”?
I’m sure he could do the endoscopy himself with his head so far up there.
Caribbean med schools ——> “Hi, Everybody!”
Please, please tell me someone (from here?) has responded positively to his post, and sent him a pic of the girl from that same ad campaign.
Now that idea I really do like the sound of. any volunteers?
BRILLIANT!
do us all a favor douchie – dont become a dr. and dont play one on tv either. stick to your goal of skulking around bars and hitting on women you think are gullible enough to buy your load o’ crappola. ugh.
“I work full time”
Anyone care to speculate on his current profession? Obviously nothing that involves punctuation or people skills.
Stephenie Meyers’ editor?
http://members.airsoftcanada.com/digital_assasin/Forum%20Stuff/Misc/oh_snap.gif
HHNF, ‘nough said!
As for the picture: I didn’t know Jim Morrison and Charlize Theron had an illegitimate love-child.
oooh my head hurts. I’ve just spent 25 minutes doing something I thought would take about 3.
Get your minds outta that gutter NOW! I was actually trying to convince wordpress what my new email address was, and add another gravatar to use at my own site.
Now I’m so confused I don’t know which gravatar I’m using where, so what do you all see in here? Please say it’s still my cat….
cat cat kitty kitty KAT!
Don’t worry, it is, Devlish.
*mumbles rotten things about you ruining my horribleness*
Dev, I’m not going to ask what kind of online communities you’re involved in, but that avatar is just totally inappropriate. Hilarious, but just…wrong. I may not think of you the same way ever again.
Okay, it’s totally your cat.
Well if you’d ever clicked on my name HHNF, you know exactly as that take you to my blog, which also has a link to my forum at aimoo too. Wouldn’t bother though, neither are that exciting.
I just didn’t want the wrong pic in the wrong place though, as I don’t think the little red devil I use at my forum, or the David Tennant one I use at my blog would really work here, kitty works way better.
Oh, David Tennant would totally work. Really!
NO, hunky, young, pre-med model guy! Stay away from “[LOCATION]”!!! That’s where all of the “P E R V E R T S”? and ( TOTAL SICKOES ) come out of the ( WOOD WORK BIG TIME )!!!!!
Ok, someone help me out here…..
I can understand the college ads I’m seeing, and the dating service ones, but if anyone has a possible explanation for the ad for a farming browser game I’d love to hear it.
As would I. But I’ve just had company for corned beef & cabbage, liberally lubricated with Guinness/Jameson/Bailey’s, and so lots of things are srsly amusing, even though, unlike one of the guests, I didn’t get high first. So I’m interested in anything. Though I may wander off mid-whatever.
Mmmm, Bailey’s and ice cream …
mmmm, baileys flavoured ice cream. Damn, now I have to shop tomorrow to go find some.
Did it with both choc and vanilla, Dev. I highly recommend it!
oh stop please, you’re making me hungry, and it’s way too late here to send him out on an ice cream hunt.
With butter pecan.
*yumminess overdose*
Lo! Drnuk Poast! Do it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmUZGdi7Ty4
Isaac, you have no idea how my drunkness fights with my retentiveness. I want to type just any old way but the retentive part is just not quite vanquished enough so I do the really rly careful typing that is the equivalent of a drunk person really rly carefully walking. All hunched over and concentrating. Ugh. Must sit up and let eyes refocus now.
Poor Lo! Where’s Colleen and Arallyn when you need a good drnuk poast buddy?
You know what I love? When the llama-nun comes on and hints she’s had a few. It’s like seeing someone’s mom let their hair down when you don’t expect it, and they turn out to be even more fun than you secretly suspected. Awesome. Awesomesauce.
…except that we all already know that drmk is totally fun.
But of course – and dead sober, even! Though I secretly suspect drmk and dan to be quite fun to be with, so even more fun than that = fun to the highest Cat Math power.
It’s almost 4am here. I’m sober now, so I’m going to bed.
Good night, sober Daylight Saving Lola.
Dan and I are both real AND fun.
!!!!!!!!!!
Perhaps all the pre-med talk lead to organ farming, then government subsidies for farmers, which then went to FarmAid, which pengiun linked to Willie-bbq-football, which lead to Willie Nelson’s Facebook page, which lead to the insane popularity of pretending to be a farmer online.
Did I skip a step?
I was with you there, sort of, right up to linking Willie Nelsons facebook page to farming. If you missed a step I think that’s where it should have been.
Um….
(looks around guiltily)
I’ve been playing Farmville in between peeks in here.
Sorry. I’ll be more careful to wipe my feet and shake off any stray green sheep, weathered boards, and ghost chili peppers before coming in.
Actually, “it” somehow reads the cookies or whatever (I am so not a computer geek) of the sites you had been reading before coming here. I have seen ads related to things I was researching/reading about that had nothing to do with the posts here. Right now there is an ad for a discount home decor place. We’re beginning the process of repainting the back of our house and I had been looking at sites for tips as well as Home Depot. It’s a bit of a stretch but too much of one.
However – Home Depot to Willie/bbq/football is a slam dunk.
ugh…should have been “not too much of one”
This Spring forward crap is for the birds.
Ah ha! So it was your fault, penguin 🙂
Sorry Dev, Facebook is where most people do their online veggie tending. I don’t do facebook myself, but I work with a lot of folks who do and the amount of time they spend growing virtual crops fascinates and confuses me.
Weathered boards! I need them! LOL
This guy (in the ad ^ ) reminds me of a guy I used to know. Wanted absolute perfection in a woman, a la “Cosmopolitan” or whatever. But every one he dated turned out to have some “hidden flaw” (once the clothes were off) … I think the guy is still single. And he’d be nearly 50 by now. But at least he wasn’t quite this bad a jerk about it, and he didn’t lie about himself.
Ravyncrow, I have a friend who is slim, pretty, smart, educated, religious (this really matters to her). She met a guy who was attractive, smart, educated, and similarly religious. Before they had been dating more than a month, he informed her that he would need her “measurements.” It turned out that if those measurements were not up to his standard, she’d need adjustive surgery. Or they would not continue to date. She decided he was not up to her standard for assuming that she’d do this to continue dating him, and ended it. After that, the mystery as to why this guy was educated, intelligent, attractive, and unattached was … not so mysterious.
I am not making this up.
A decade or so ago, years before I met my sweet wife, I went out on a date with a woman who, partway through dinner, managed to say something like, “Well, I just think all those things about commas and stuff—those are just suggestions. There’s no right and wrong way to put punctuation into what you’re writing.”
Up to that point, she’d seemed pretty cute to me. But hey, I’m sorry, I just have morals.
Morals? Hell. Those are dealbreakers as far as I’m concerned.
I’ve dated a guy with ADD and another with dyslexia. They both took the time to write as correctly as is possible, and I loved and appreciated it. It can be done if you care enough to do things right.
(I need to get a bigger office for these group punches!) Okay, Lola, you sit over there, Graham, you sit over there, and HHNF, you sit on the desk. Now, present cards! Punchity-punch-punch! G’night, folks! So glad so many come back even when life events take you away. Get better, all you sick and recovering ones. It sure doesn’t feel like bed time yet, but off I go.
Hahaha I mean technically he didn’t say she needed to be slim, just beautiful!
I’m going to add my name to the many who are offended by YOUR presumption that beautiful equals skinny.
LOL Juliet A, a few days late and an argument short. We covered this WAY up at the top. Thanks for playing, here’s a lovely parting gift. Buh-bye!
As a medical student, the thing that strikes me as most hilarious from this ad is the line “I work full time and and I’m also pre-med”
HA!