YSaC, Vol. 488: I hardly know ‘er!
Eat in the nude on this beautiful table – $700
(You might want to put a towel down before you sit down.) Very elegant and beautiful dining room set can be configured for six people or eight (with table leaves).
Dimensions in inches are: 42 X 62 without leaves; 42 X 94 with leaves. Table also has pads for the top. Call xxx xxx xxxx or xxx xxx xxxx for more information or to schedule a viewing. Compare to new tables of this quality and see what a steal this is!
Eat in the nude ON the table? You know, towels or not, I’m not sure I want to buy a table from someone who thinks that this might be a good use for it. Especially since the table appears to be highly polished.
I’ll keep looking. Oh, here’s one:
porker table/ dinning table sold – $150
I have a porker table that turns into a dinning room table when you need it. Comes with 4 bar stoles we cant take it to tx with us so please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you have any questions thank you
Aw, it’s already been sold.
Thanks, Jenni and Kelly!
Am I the only one who thinks the leaves in the first table don’t match the rest of the table? Maybe they’re from another nudist table.
And don’t porker tables usually have green felt on them?
Why would you post a listing for an item you have already sold? Are you just really proud of the fact someone bought your convertable dinning table?
It doesn’t really turn into a porker table, unles there’s magnets or something holding down those dollar store place mats.
That’s what I thought- it doesn’t match. But wasn’t that a big thing a few years back? Something like ‘rebel against traditional furniture!’ Perfect for the aging punksters and Metallica-fans.
But I thought the whole point of having leaves was to “seamlessly” extent your table? Why would you draw attention to that particular area?
It is bling for your table! Because it must be the same reason why some idiots put chrome outlines on their car door openings, despite the fact that at the auto companies, there are entire departments whose sole job it is to make those door seams unnoticeable!!!
I’m not a fan of eating where I’m now fairly certain someone else’s naked bum has been. There’s only so much cleaners can do, at least until someone really invents brain bleach.
It would take more than brain bleach, I would want a complete scrub with a strong acid.
Even if I completely refinished the table with a dozen layers of varnish, every time I sat down the only thing I would be able to think of would be “Naked. Naked on the table. Naked.”
Be a heck of a diet plan, though.
“Naked. Naked strangers on the table. Naked.”
Even better at appetite reduction.
And they warn you ahead of time that you might want to put a towel down before you sit down. What in the name of all which is holy did they DO on this table?
I don’t see why everyone’s so afraid of this naked strangers thing.
Am I the only one imagining that the naked stranger is HOT?
See, I’m all about the no-clothes thing…but I wear undergarments while I go about my non-clothes-ing and demand that others do, too. Because damn, I don’t want my apartment smelling like arse and other unpleasant things.
… I just wanted to add another cat to the thread.
For the record, I am always cold, so I’m always wearing clothes!
I’m jumping on the cat and clothed bandwagon. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything standing vertically while unclothed, unless you count bathing.
I do have a funny nudity story.
When my nephew was much, much younger, around three or four, he spent the night at my parents house when I was still living at home. The next morning, while we were all out at breakfast, he wanted to tell me a secret. Of course, he told me from across the table at the top of his lungs. What was the secret?
“Grandpa sleeps naked!”
Shouted by a little boy with very healthy lungs in a busy truck stop. My father is a big man with a full beard who looks a bit like a stereotypical biker. He has actually frightened Girl Scouts who were selling cookies in front of a store.
I thought I would wet myself.
(Nothing “funny” happened, he had asked Dad about pajamas and Dad told him he didn’t wear any.)
Here’s a cat of a different feather. Nudity is wonderful. One of my goals is to own a house with a private enough back yard for nude sunbathing. Nude in the house is optional. Someone I think I married likes to be naked all the time, without breaking any laws. When his kids came to live with us, that ended the nude in the house time. The worst part was, he never had clothes on when I wanted him to take out the trash!
All the naked table discussion is reminding me of Coupling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1sN3sTqC8U. Note – No one is naked in this clip – except the table.
I have concluded that the second seller is moving from somewhere farther north than Texas, because you wouldn’t need to wear a stole for bar-hopping in the South, even in the winter.
Damn, you beat me to the stole joke. Now what do I do?
Uhh… emergency joke!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks him “What’s with the wheel?”
The pirate says, “Arr, she drives me nuts.”
*flees the scene*
Ahhh, I’ve been the victim of a drive-by joking!
That is my favorite pirate joke of all time!
…but shouldn’t it have been “Damn, you stole my joke”?
Plus one point, emsies. That’s brilliant.
All you had to do was say, “You stole my joke!”
Always scroll down before posting, Dan. Way to go.
We needed a little redundancy is what we needed.
We may have to revoke your trade mark on the name Dan. Votes?
It took googling “porker table” to realize it’s supposed to be a poker table. *shakes head mournfully* I don’t know which is sadder: their spelling or my decoding skills.
Kudos on having the guts to google ‘porker table’.
So, what did you find? Anything that made you want/need to clean out your cache or browsing history?
I read “Poker Table” and scrolled back up when people started commenting on “Porker Table”.
Well, the way I eat, naked or not…. Too bad it’s sold..
And here’s a cat!
Ah, but these are BAR stoles. Perhaps the bouncer is still looking for them.
Do you think being naked on my couch would be a good selling point when I get around to listing it?
Only if you include pictures. Then you can get on best of CraigsList!
So long as the couch was Day-Glo orange with pink pillows and felt like sandpaper. That would be a good nude couch.
Throw in some stains of indeterminate origin and you’ll have yourself a bidding war!
Also, it would be best if you could have someone die naked on the couch.
Or if the couach is good at fostering (not stunting) cherring skills.
Hmmm, do I have any aunties still alive but barely? Oh, zing! Good one, Windrose!
Bonus if it comes with an accordion. Preferably on the left side, but either end is acceptable. Not in the middle, though. Can’t have that much symmetry.
Finally! A table I can eat nude on! I promised myself when the economy turned around I’d get me one of those.
Seems like nudity would be more appropriate on the second table. Stud, anybody? Hold ’em?
naked at a poker table eh – begging for the following comments:
“Nice pair”
“check out my full house”
“Yes! – you gave me a flush!”
“straight?”
“Is my Jack big enough?”
“I’ve got pocket rockets”
………..
OK I’m out
I see now how it became a porker table. 8)
Bar stoles – attractive wraps for your favorite lady barfly. Except I can’t see them in the picture. Maybe the porker table (I’m now imagining a variant on the “dogs playing poker” picture that instead uses pigs) is in the way.
OK, I got the porker table, and I got the bar stoles, but why the heck are they not allowed to take it to Texas? Is there some weird law? With guns and all that, I thought Texas was fairly liberal-minded. Is it something about the so-called versatility of the thing?
“You can bring a dinning table into the state, and you can bring a porker table into the state, but you can NOT bring a combination dinning/porker table into the state. And forget the bar stoles.”
I’d think Texas would be the perfect place for a porker table.
Maybe it has human remains in it. Can’t transport those over state lines! Oooh…maybe it was a porker table for a mob boss! I can just imagine what would go down when someone cheated!
OK, so given that the first posting is only for the table and not the chairs then I’ll have to crouch (or lie) naked on it to consume any food rather than sully it by putting non-matching chairs next to it?
Or would I be the nude buffet balancing goldfish, muffins, sammichs and other comestibles on parts of my body? and how could I both be part of the display and eat at the same time?
*and how closer to a horror movie than a porn fantasy would that be?*
“balancing goldfish, muffins, sammichs and other comestibles…”
Now I am picturing the Cat in the Hat.
I was thinking more the Japanese erotic dinner, served on a lovely nude body. Perhaps that is what the table was used for?
Yeah, definitely need a towel…
Ah yes, the marvelous porker table. Rarely seen in captivity this elusive breed of table lets the owner transition seamlessly from a lovely four course McDonald’s take out meal to PBR and Texas Hold ’em with your “brahs.” In the wild this table prefers to lounge about under trees and float across the smooth waters of the closest lake. These tables are easy to care for and require little more than the occasional spill of cheep beer and crumbs from whatever greasy food you are enjoying. As this breed of table is rare you should consider it a steal at only $150.
Obviously the second table is for mating pigs
Okay, first we had the bone/her snake, then the …
*hold on a minute, trying to figure out how to make those little brackets, oh nevermind dammit*
… the (insert film her) movie, and now the porker table? Is anyone else beginning to sense a theme here?
Nope. Can’t say that I do. What’s your point, JuneJenny?
I am trying to envision the centerpiece on the Naked table. Could be interesting.
I’m seeing two beautiful round orbs, flecked with a sparse amount of woodmoss, and a lovely candle protruding up from the center.
Nothing dirty there, right???
But would you prefer your candle in a holder, or just left bare?
Oh, I like all natural candles…I feel the flame burns much brighter and burns much hotter.
Oh, and those candles with plastic on them remind me of my grandmas house.
Wait….um…errr….going to take a melon baller to my brain now.
*giggles madly*
::pause::
…plastic candles…at Grandma’s house?!?
That is all kinds of wrong.
I dare you to make and sell this centerpiece on Craigslist, with the most innuendo-laden description possible. Bonus points if a little old lady buys it from you. In the worst case, your ad will end up here.
Guess it’s not for Texas Hold’em Porker!
A person trying to hold on to a pig – even of the miniature variety – probably isn’t going to have much use for a table in general.
Therein lies the sport.
Maybe this one isn’t regulation size.
Oh, I wish I knew how to use tags for searching. Where is that nsfw coffee table? As a public service, we should link it here. I am absolutely sure that the same people who would like to “eat in the nude on this beautiful table” would be thrilled to adjourn to the living room afterwards to have their coffee on the naked lady table.
Shalom! This one?
The very one. Don’t you think they make a lovely matched set?
Yes, I agree that this table is a steal, especially since I can eat while naked on it! Most tables won’t let me do that.
Yes, most of my furniture is so judgemental. The stove doesn’t let me walk around barefoot, much less in the nude. And I think the computer desk has been saying rude things behind my back and downloading porn while I’m at work.
At least, that’s the story I’m going with.
…Ironically, the fridge is of the retrograde opinion that you should be in the kitchen, pregnant, and barefoot, so there are a lot of appliance arguments about footwear.
That’s so true. My table is always demanding fancy furniture polish and new tablecloths and placemats from Pottery Barn whenever I eat in the nude on it. Then it cries and says I make it feel cheap.
Your table sounds really high maintenance.
Maybe it doesn’t like being used.
Now I feel like it may be a lesser known spin off of the “..in bed” closer.
“You can buy and drive my car…while naked!”
“You may have my black lab for free…while naked!”
“You may apply for this job at Scam4You.net…while naked!!!”
“I have a red table for sale!!!Take it for free…while naked!!!
That makes sort of weird sense, actually.
I love the birth of new memes.
Cue the Soviet jokes!!!
In Soviet Russia, the table eats in y…
Um, I think I might skip this one.
In Soviet Russia the dinning table porks you!
Eating in the nude=fun. Cooking in the nude=burnt noodle from spattering.
My brother cooks bacon and popcorn in the nude. He has suffered second-degree burns many times. He still does it.
Not the brightest bulb on the old Christmas tree, eh? I would think after singeing his wick once he would get an apron or something.
I think I’ve microwaved popcorn in the nude. Slightly less risky than the stovetop method if you elect to cook sans des vêtements. (In Soviet Russia, Chernobyl microwaves you!)
I’m trying to imagine a situation where you would be doing ANYTHING sans clothing, and your thoughts would be, “Man, I could REALLY use some microwave popcorn right about now.”
Erotic play I’m not aware of? Cause I’m thinking a little Orville isn’t going to put me in the mood.
I’m with Meredith on this.
If I’m naked and the only thing I can think of is getting a snack, then someone somehow has skipped a step or two. Or three.
Meredith, that’s the problem right there! You need a really BIG Orville to get in the mood. 8)
Now I’m thinking of a little Orville Redenbacher. Naked. And wrinkly.
I’m thinking of that new FAKE Orville that’s either computer generated or a costume…it looks like a creepy skin-suit. Naked. And wrinkly. And casually eating at that table.
Ewww.
I’m going to try very, very hard not to picture that ever again.
“Orville”, huh? Well, that works at least as well as Peter or Willy.
Can you have your brother send me his bacon and popcorn recipe? I’ve been looking for a good one for a while now…
MMMMMM, BACON POPCORN. Now I must go make some….best. popcorn. ever.
burnt noodle from spattering=effective short term means of birth control.
his girlfriend said that yes, one time he did burn his junk while cooking bacon for breakfast. my brother might be 18, but he’s still my “little brother”. it was NOT a picture I wanted in my mind.
So many possibilities! Naked breakfast, naked lunch, naked ants on a log… One wonders how many giant talking bugs and insecticidal hallucinations the owner of this table has seen.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102511/
I just remembered a naked story. 100% true, and 100% disgusting.
My boyfriend and I were left holding the bag for a rather expensive lease that we couldn’t afford a few years back. So, having to vacate posthaste or sign a new lease, we each moved in with our respective mothers for a few months.
His mother was cruelly dumped right before her move by a cheating husband, and therefore felt the need to “find” herself. Herself also seemed to include a steady stream of poorly thought out one night stands or short trysts. She’d go out for the evening, and invariably there would be a strange car in the driveway, or a “new boyfriend” at the table every week.
ANYWAY, my boyfriend and I went out with his sister and his mother one night, and got home very late. (nothing like partying with the whole family!). In the morning, he went to get a glass of juice like he was used to doing, and I got up to follow him. Before I even got my shirt on (we’re all adults here), he was scrambling back into the room and slamming the door. “What the hell is wrong?” I asked him as he stood there leaning against the door like he was trying to hold it closed. He looked at me in a way that made me think the whole family was lying murdered downstairs. Finally he spoke to me.
“There’s a naked man at the kitchen table. And he’s eating cereal”.
“WHAT?”
“There’s a NAKED MAN at the kitchen table eating MY cereal out of MY bowl”.
“Where the F&%# did he come from?” I asked, thinking maybe he’d lost his mind.
“I have NO idea. He didn’t even say. He just looked up at me and said, ‘hey’. WHY IS THERE A NAKED MAN IN MY KITCHEN???”
We sat on his bed until we heard other movement in the house, then listened to see what might happen. When there was no commotion, we slowly made our way downstairs.
His sister, her fiance, his mother, and a VERY large man who resembled a cross between Santa, Wilfred Brimley, and a worn out biker sat at the table, thankfully clothed. His mom motioned for us to sit and eat the breakfast she had made. She only referred to the man as “Mike”. Everyone ate and chatted, acting like it was nothing strange that a man showed up at the house so late that all of us who had gone out together had missed him, and was casually sitting at the breakfast table. He made no mention of 30 minutes prior, when he and my boyfriend had “met”, but he didn’t seem to be hiding it either. He finished eating, went up to the mom’s room, got his shoes, and left. It was the only time any of us ever saw him.
The imagined sight of my boyfriend walking in on this easily 500 pound man sitting naked at the kitchen table eating all his cereal out of a Power Rangers bowl, and the man just “hey”ing him, still makes me cackle with laughter.
Like I said…100% true, and 100% disgusting. And not even the weirdest story that came out of his moving home. Not by a long shot.
Holy crap.
That made a little movie in my head.
You’ll be happy to know you were played by Sandra Bullock and your boyfriend was Zac Efron. Mike was played by Sean Connery, which made the experience much more pleasant than I’m sure the real one was.
Wow…COULD my boyfriend be Zac Efron??? PLEEEEEASE????? In real life, he’s 6’3, 280 lbs., and has flowing red curly hair down his back. I couldn’t compare him to anyone that I can think of. He’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I liked him and thought he was cute.
I’ll totally take Sandra Bullock playing me any day of the week. And yeah…Sean Connery….in MY DREAMS maybe.
haha, he sounds scottish. my boyfriend had much longer hair than me for most of our relationship, but started working at an inner-city school that has strict dress codes for the kids, so he has to adhere to them as well. bye-bye long hair.
I have a much nicer, almost naked story. At my neices 6th, birthday, she decided to change into a new outfit she had got. So she comes into the dining room, full of people (mainly adults), with nothing but her undies on, asking her dad for help. But, being proper, (kind of) she was holding her arm over her chest to cover herself. (Kind of.) So her dad of course was “Sophie, you need to go put clothes on.”
Sorry, that’s LONG. I was on a roll.
I haven’t laughed like that since the thrift store porn post.
I once asked Lady Gaga if she wanted to see my porker face.
Hey, an autograph’s an autograph, even if it is on a restraining order.
I can’t buy that second table.. I’m Jewish. 🙁
HE HE HE HE HE
I like it.
And they’re coming to Texas…. greeeeaaaat.
Ever play strip porker???
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her.
Clark Griswold: He’s not gonna pork her, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: I think he’s gonna.
Clark Griswold: He may pork her, finish your breakfast.
Why can’t they take the second table to Texas?