YSaC, Vol. 485: If you seek … sarah.
2009 November 14
snakes for sale
i have an american bone/her snake and an indian horny toad/wife if you want them the snake is $1 and the toad is $600 cause shes my wife sarah and for 600 she give you wat u want and if ur interested call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx
Umm, are we still talking about snakes? Because if we’re not, I’m guessing that the pets category may not have been the most effective place to offer your wife’s sexual services.
I almost want to applaud the creativity here. Almost, but not quite. The subtlety of the opening isn’t balanced by the dénouement. This guy’s no W.H. Auden — but then again, who is?
Thanks for the submission, Ralph!
i have shift/punctuation keys for sale free to good home/car cause i dont use them
I am oddly intrigued by this ad. Either it some guy attempting to be creative, or a guy who is WAY too into bestiality for his own good.
Wait, exactly how much CAN you be into bestiality so that it’s for your own good?
You know, I’m not sure…
Drmk, how long does it take you to think up such clever titles? Are you this funny IRL? Perhaps you should quit your day job and take your show on the road.
Methinks he’s been licking that toad before he wrote/composed that ad/poem.
Apparently the snake’s not nearly as good as the toad. Only $1 for the snake? What’s wrong with the snake? And what’s so good about the toad that it’s $600?
I am really hoping that the toad belongs to his wife:
“For the toad, I am asking $600 because she’s my wife’s, and my wife really likes this toad.”
But something tells me I’m being overly optimistic.
For $1, that must be a *really* small bone/her snake.
And $600 to have the company of Sarah the “toad/wife”?? I thought the old story was that you had to KISS the toad and it would turn into a prince? Not do unspeakable acts with it that’ll land you a starring role in some weird Japanese porno.
*blinks rapidly*
*is speechless*
*notices the ad at upper right offering “free sex offender report”*
*decides to go away, have coffee, and come back when brain has processed this … oddity*
Bwahahaha – I didn’t even notice the sex offender ad. I don’t usually read ads, but scrolled back up just to confirm Lola’s observation. My husband works at a prison where they keep sex offenders. I should ask him if they have any “guests” that have issues with toads…
Wonder if the snake+wife = LARP hentai
Although… for $600, I’d most likely tell her to clean my house thoroughly (vacuum, dust, mop&wax the floors, get rid of those stains in the carpets/on the walls, etc.)
When you have a wife who is both a toad and a snake, you run the strong risk of her eating herself.
If a wife can eat herself then what does she need a husband for?
To run the camera and sell copies, of course. On Craigslist.
For some reason I keep imagining Peter Lorre accosting me in a dark alley and whispering this in my ear.
Thanks in advance for the nightmares.
The snake is only $1 because it’s just a skeleton of a female snake. And, yes, he was married to the toad, Sarah, but she wants a divorce. Things just haven’t been good for them lately, what with the lack of tadpoles.
In other news, Soviet Russia Joke here:
http://punditkitchen.com/2009/11/14/political-pictures-vladimir-putin-roses-red/
In Soviet Russia, you are the snake’s wife!
(How’d I do? That was my first try…)
This reminds me of a piece I read in Harper’s a year or two ago about a young woman in India who did, in fact, marry a snake.
It’s just called “Woman Marries Snake”, and it’s a pretty interesting read.
Steve-o: Not bad, just leave out the definite articles.
In Soviet Russia, you are snake’s wife!
In Soviet Russia, snake marries you.
Keep it up, almost perfect! 8)
Is it HIS snake he is selling?
Not-Auden: Hmmm… time to pay the rent again… let’s see, what do we have here? Handcuffs, cattle-prod… nope, can’t give those up… Got it! One man-snake and one wart-covered wife. “Sarah!!! I need to sell our bodies for money!”
Sarah: “Oh good, because your tiny snake hasn’t been able to please me for quite some time. How much are we asking?”
Not-Auden: “I’m thinking $600 each.”
Sarah: “That seems a bit optimistic – I wouldn’t pay much more than $1 for you.”
Not-Auden: “… friggin’ toad-faced b****…”
I was thinking it must be something along those lines: a subtle attempt to communicate that you can have his American “bone/her” (say it out loud) snake for $1, but he also has an Indian, horny wife and “for 600 she give you wat u want”.
Okay, I must A) get more coffee or B) be showing how ‘new’ I am to this. For this ad is not making any sense at all if it’s selling reptiles, but yeah, drmk makes somewhat more sense of advertising his wife’s services. Eeew.
… And his own?
“bone/her” = “boner” ?
(I picture this being pronounced sort of like those silhouettes on The Electric Company used to sound out simple words: KUH. UP. …CUP. BONE. HER. … BONER. And now I will go wash out my brain.)
That was my thought too. I think.
In Soviet Russia, KGB washes your brain.
I expect he will get many calls. Most will be from the local vice squad.
Que sera, Sarah…
“Saw a Snake in the Yard?
Snake Proofing and Removal Serv 713-723-4854
MastersWildlifeRemoval.com”
Actual ad from your site….
I wonder if they run a special for bone/her snakes!?!
I see the ad “Snake photos in the beautiful photo encyclopedia. Discover, Enjoy and Contribute” top right. Now combine THAT with the bone/her interpretations and …
*leaves to do brain laundry
Just in time for valentine’s day!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My snake is huge
My wife is too.
Violets are blue
Roses are red
He needs a slap
upside his head.
I can picture the front of the card;
a snake being bent into a heart shape by a muscular toad-wife.
What freaky things will this toad woman do that’s worth $600 bucks? I seem to recall seeing on Dateline that a streetcorner girl gets around $20 a tussle.
I’m finding going rates for prostitutes varying from $20-$30/hour to $150/tussle. It seems like the highest rates are on the west coast (especially Seattle…good lord those girls are expensive) and the cheapest ones are in the midwest in Chicago and other large cities like that.
“Escorts” usually make much more, especially if it’s 2 or 3 of them to a large bachelor party (not talkin’ about strippers here; talkin’ about the real thing). I can see one of them making $600 in a night. Then again, if this lady is referred to as a toad, I’m not sure how desirable she really is…
Why did I just spend 15 minutes looking these things up? My search history must be very disturbing right now.
Thanks, Arallyn — way to take one for the team!
A horny toad is a lizard, not a toad, guys. I can’t be the only reader here who lives west of the Mississippi.
And I think he’s trying to shame the wife, not pimp her. Like, “my wife’s such a whore she’ll do anything for $600, what a toad/lizard!”
I know a lot about horny toads, but there isn’t anything called an indian horny toad! That’s what confused me when I first read it. Before i realized that he seemed to be selling his wife.
Maybe his wife is indian and looks like a horny toad?
Sadly, horny toads have almost disappeared in my area. I used to love them when I was a child. (NOT like that!) Ahem. Anyway, lizard, toad, whatever we call her, she’s still his wife. Until the final decree arrives.
In the Austin area, at least, horny toads seem to have been done in by the fire ants, which outcompeted a lot of the native ants that were the toads’ natural prey. I loved horny toads when I was a kid, before the fire ants came.
I was always told that the fire ants stung them to death, not starved them. But yeah, I’ve never seen a real horny toad here in Austin… only tons and tons of horny toad merchandise.
I can’t even imagine life without fire ants. Or Asian tiger mosquitoes.
My only response to this ad is “….What?”
[[giggles madly at the title of the post, but hopes in the future you will be able to continue the fine practice of referencing the Stones, James Brown, either Joplin, etc., rather than good old Britney]]
[[has only ever heard one Britney song, but imagines she doesn’t need to hear any more of them]]
[[wonders if the original writer of the post will be all confused when people respond to him all confused]]
Maybe I’m mad but I’m sure I just saw a quick flash sponsor advert for “snake photographs”. Wow! Those Pomeranian hypno dogs sure are tlentteed !
This guy reminds me of Cheri Oteri’s Adele character on SNL
this wasnt from stockton was it? i know someone who just might do this…0.o