YSaC, Vol. 483: Guess he doesn’t really need the car anyway.
2009 November 12
78’Jagiure needs to go so i can pay for house arrest on monday – $500
please buy ASAP i need money for house arrest. cal xxx-xxx-xxxx xxx-xxx-xxxx. Ask for Ashley. The only thing wrong with it is the timing belt. It has 168,000 miles
Sam and David sent this one in, saying, “This ad has all the great ingredients: misspellings, downplaying a major mechanical issue, and most importantly, oversharing.”
I can imagine this phone call:
Me: “Hi, Ashley? I might be interested in your Jagiure.” [ed. note: I’d have to figure out how to pronounce ‘Jagiure’ first.]
Ashley: “awesome. Can you come get it? i can’t leave the house.”
Me: “Just out of curiosity, Ashley, what are you on house arrest for?”
Ashley: “Fraud and embezzlement, and grievous bodily harm.”
Me: “Ah, okay. Never mind about the car, then.”
Thanks, David (and Sam)!
It would be both funny and ironic if he was on house arrest for grand theft auto.
Hehe sarajean. You beat me by 0.0002 seconds.
Sorry ’bout that. Great minds think alike, I guess 🙂
same thought, soon as i read it. … bwaahaaa
Grrrr. You’re right, that would have been funnier. Pretend I said that.
Perhaps she’s under house arrest for auto theft? (Or I guess “Ashley” could be a “he.”)
I’d go with JAG-ee-YOOR, as a pronunciation.
Or maybe JAG-Eeyore.
(Coming this Fall on CBS!)
It’s on right before the new NCIS – Neverland.
It’s a show for the whole family – a combination of military lawyers and talking stuffed animals!
Ah yes, the lesser know “Jagiure.” It’s the bastard step-sibling to the Jaguar. A little known fact about this car is that it does not in fact have a timing belt, but rather it utilizes the rare timing rubber band. While similar the timing rubber band needs replacing every 3,000 feet rather than every few years like the timing belt.
You have to pay for house arrest?
I was wondering about that myself. Maybe Ashley is planning to order an enormous pizza delivery on Monday.
Ankle jewelry costs money, and states charge you to go visit your probation officers. Fail to pay, you wind up back in jail.
You also don’t get to pass “GO” and collect your $200.
bwahahahaha…ugh…I got tea up my nose.
Sarajean, that’s what I always thought about suspension in high school (not that I ever had one because I didn’t want to jeopardize my college prospects). But getting to stay home from school for a few days = Sweet!
That’s awful. But I guess that makes house arrest more of a punishment. “Say what? I’m not ALLOWED to leave my house? I can’t go out and get a job and now I have a very legitimate excuse for it? I can stay here and play Playstation all day?”
It’s like sending a child to their room. That’s the last place you should send them for punishment, that’s where all the toys and fun stuff are.
If they wanted to punish this bright boy/girl, they would put him/her on work arrest.
Never being able to leave work? That’d scare me straight.
I recall in high school where a girl in my class had so many unexcused absences that she was suspended. For those with disciplinary problems they had “in-house suspension,” where they were separated and did their homework, but if you had a lot of absences, they just booted you for the rest of the semester. They were giving you what you wanted! You could leave town and hang out with your other dropout friends – because that, of course, is what happened … she got pregnant and left school. If you think that’s bad, her sister did the same thing, at 14.
In my homeroom sophmore year of high school there were at least four girls with baby bumps. Apparently they were absent that day in health class when the teacher brings in the banana.
@ed snyder: getting to stay home with my parents because of a suspension = not sweet.
But I know for some people it was awesome.
During my High School years, we also had a system of “In-house Suspension”. The theory was good – if you were acting out in class, you were sent to the ISS room and worked on your homework until your next class. What actually happened were poker tournaments.
It’s also a good place to take a nap. And see how many pencils you could get to stick in the acoustic ceiling tiles.
…Not that I was ever in ISS.
*twiddles thumbs and whistles while trying to look innocent*
Of course not…nobody in this forum would EVER go to ISS.
Okay, maybe I’m looking a little too far down the road, but what is Ashley going to sell or trade NEXT month? Or is there only a one time fee for the monitor? I hope her probation officer is understanding.
I’m probably going out on a limb here, Windrose, but our Ashley just may not be the plan-ahead type.
She can always move in next to Meredith. Apparently Meredith’s neighbors have figured out something they can sell and still get to keep.
Hey, she had to make bail somehow.
Bravo. Bravo. ::delicate opera clap::
They’re just being “green”…Use sustainable resources, people!!!
Certain parts of her might turn green…
Jagiure is obviously French and the word sounds nothing like it looks:
Jaguire is pronounced “Yagwah”. It’s a little known car company that produced one line of cars in 1978 before giving up the auto trade and going into buisness as a furniture retailer. Later they would be an integral part of bringing the French Prudential style back into the limelight of American culture.
Glad I could be of help here.
Didn’t they make the little known Merkerie Koogah, a sporty little number favored by women of a certain age?
This makes me think of the most annoying radio commercial in the world that advertises Jaguars, only the Fake British voiceover lady snottily calls them “JAG-you-ars.” As in, if you don’t have a British accent or pronounce it the way I do, you’re scum and shouldn’t be listening to me in the first place.
Jag-wire is a more southern thing, isn’t it?
I think the proper Southern term for a Jaguar is “sissy-boy car”.
Just kidding. I’ve heard it as “Jagger” or “Jag-wire”. If someone tries for the over-exaggerated British pronunciation it usually comes out like “Jaggie-wah”.
Here in the UK if anyone owns one its referred to as “the” or “a” Jag. No-one who is anyone calls it by its full name. It used to be the vehicle of choice of ne’re-do-well secondhand car dealers.
Paying for house arrest eh? I’m working with probation officers who’d love that idea!
We normally reserve “the” for abstract concepts or medical conditions, such as “She’s got the diabetes.” or “He’s on the welfare.”
Ugh, I want to slap my son when he refers to some this way: “He’s got the Downs.” As in Syndrome.
I accidently referenced French Prudential furniture in my earlier post when the correct spelling is of course “French Prevential”.
I try to be accurate in all my posts here and I humbly apologize for this spelling error.
*gasp* How dare you Tacomagic?!?!
I’ve had numerous problems with the apartment building next to mine, and it all seems to stem from a woman named Ashley. Her and all the people “visiting” her just got busted the other day. Nice to come home to 12 police cars all dragging half dressed dirty people out of the building next door. Glad they didn’t mistake our apartment for hers, which they’d done twice before.
Now I’m actually wondering if this is the same woman…and it wouldn’t surprise me at all.
They probably won’t put your Ashley on house arrest, since that’s where she transacted her “business”.
I dunno…there was an awful lot of traffic out there last night.
The great part is when someone drives up, and one or two guys jump out, go inside for 20 minutes or so, and then jump back in their car idling in the lot (NEVER a parking space) and drive off. All this time, there are usually several small children waiting in the car. And of course the cops show up at 22 minutes, right after they leave.
I’d think it was just drugs, if one of the guys who came to my door asked if I was “workin”…
Nothing screams “classy neighborhood” like being solicited for prostitution by some random guy.
Or catching a homeless person deficating in your stairwell. In some ways I wish I was still living downtown… but in most ways I’m really, really glad I’m not.
He tried to solicit me in my own house!!!
What’s with the random shout out to cal? Is cal a friend? Or is Ashley just showing the West Coast some love?
I think it’s supposed to be “call”, but he/she was too busy to add the other ‘l’. That or it fell off.
The only thing wrong with that l is the timing belt. Otherwise it’s in great shape for a vintage consonant.
I don’t even want to know the mileage on it, though.
The l really gets around.
The “l” you say?
Heh!
Yes, I do. Ever been to Wales? More double-l combinations than in Spanish, I suspect. Between those two places alone I’m not surprised that the second one just dropped off from fatigue.
Bloody ‘l’.
I think the ‘l’ ended up at the front of llama. Silly Camelids and their extra leading l.
Either that or it’s now lllama. Makes the brain hurt just looking at all those ls.
drmk,
I just choked on my drink. That was….awesome.
And an opera clap for you as well, drmk.
So it’s really a “l” low?
The one-L lama, he’s a priest
The two-L llama, he’s a beast
But I’ll bet you a silk pajama
There isn’t any three-L lllama.
~Ogden Nash
he he he he he
“I said ‘l low'” ha ha ha ha ha
and now I’m going around saying “silk pajama llama” for some reason.
Part of the house arrest arrangement was to limit how much L she can raise.
I love that the side-on picture of the car is cropped so that it appears to share a characteristic with last week’s guitar-motorcycle hybrid – no fender(s). The pictures leave out as much information about its appearance as the written description does in relation to all of the other important details.
Maybe that’s the side the parking boot’s on.
That, and the damage from when someone t-boned Ashley at an intersection.
“The only thing wrong is the timing belt. Oh, and the breathalyzer lock on the steering wheel. Try and be sober-ish when you drive it”.
“Try and be sober-ish” is my new favorite phrase.
I am holding out for the Soviet comments…
In Soviet Russia, Jaguar misspells you!
In Communist China, Jaguar is owned by all the people of the glorious Republic! Ah, now I see why doesn’t work. 8)
In Soviet Russia, a Jaguar puts YOU under house arrest?
Sorry, it was my first attempt, I’ll go quietly and practice in that dark corner over there.
(Just for the record, not to criticize: mudslicker (below) told nearly that same joke first.)
That’s what happens when one doesn’t use refresh button often enough, I’m sorry (and secretly glad that I almost reach the same level as the old hands here, Ms. Mudslicker specifically).
Doesn’t matter. Very much enjoyed the joke. (Both times)
I/isaac, ed and Igor are the Soviet Russia WordMasters!
I’m just a wanna-be Fortune “In Bed” Cookie junkie.
You did good SwissKat by taking the bull, so to speak, by the cajones and just going for it.
In Soviet Russia, cajones take….okay, I’ll stop now. Heh.
regards,
mudsy
Take the bull by the horns and you often get gored. Take him by the cajones and everyone’s happy.
@ed:
Please note that I made no mention of horns…hehe..
Ooh..ooh…new fortune cookie saying says YOU!:
Take the bull by the horns and you often get gored. Take him by the cajones and everyone’s happy….in bed, er, in Sovet Russia!
Jagiure (sounds like quagmire —4.2 lbs. to be exact)
You know, for over the fireplace…
In Soviet Russia, jagiure house arrests YOU!
Variation on the same theme:
In Soviet Russia house arrests you!
or
In Soviet Russia belt times you!
I could do this all day… but won’t.
Thank you.
I must have this rare Jaguire and I’m sure I can trust Ashley. It’s that house that is under arrest, right?
When your house is arrested, $500 is a small price to pay to bail it out.
But would someone really want to be with a house that’s always going to be acting out and getting arrested? He should consider another house that is much more stable and committed.
Maybe if the house gets into rehab and it promises not to act out again, they will take the house back.
Going with JA-zhee-U-ray. Obviously.
I just don’t know where I’d PARK a 78-foot car! I know they made cars bigger back when this model came off the line, but 78 feet… Wow! Big pimpin’.
Ha! I didn’t even notice the apostrophe gaffe until you said that. Awesome.
Hey Count! Looking good. 8)
And here I read it as a car from the Future—the 79th century to be exact. But I like the 78 foot designation much better!
That’s some EPIC small-you-know-what compensation there.
A car that size = it’s probably inverted.
Ahhhh. I can breathe again. Thank you.
I’m thinking the pronunciation should be in the vicinity of “Jah-wee-r”. Or maybe “Jah-wee-ree”?
At first I thought you wrote “Jag-wee-wee,” and my 4 year old brain sniggered. Potty jokes!
*giggle*
I almost Jag-wee-wee’ed myself!
@Lola – re Wales and consonants. My theory is that way before time began Wales and Hawaii were joined together. Then a tectonic shift separated them with Wales taking the consonants, the mountains and the rain and leaving Hawaii with the vowels (only 13 letters in their alphabet apparently), the mountains and the sunshine.
@ tigprincess –
Dave Barry, an American humorist, once wrote in his column that Wales was a country “too poor to afford vowels,” but your theory is a pretty good explanation too.
But they do have Torchwood 3 and that’s good enough for me.
I think he said that the eastern bloc nations were too poor for vowels, and Wales had suffered a terrible disaster where all of their vowels were destroyed…just like the hawaiians had all their consonants washed overboard while populating the islands.
Curious here – why are the adverts about martial arts? Have I skipped a chapter?
Maybe because of drmk riffing about serious bodily harm?
Does anyone see a post where I said “thank you” underneath where tacomagic said he’d stop making Soviet jokes (thank you, tm)? I posted it, or thought I did, but didn’t see it. So I posted it again, but the snarky app told me I had already posted that. But I still don’t see it.
Oh wait. Should I have asked this in the forum? Sorry.
In Soviet Russia, Cled thanks jokes for not posting tacomagic.
Hunh, see it now. One of life’s little mysteries…
P.S. Ed, I chortle in your general direction. 🙂
The woman is wild. A she-cat tamed by the purr of a jagiure.
HOW CAN A JAGUAR OWNER NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL “JAGUAR” IT’S SPELLED OUT ON THE STEERING WHEEL RIGHT THERE STARING YOU IN THE FACE THE ENTIRE TIME YOU’RE DRIVING IT.
*cough*
Err, sorry. I think that one broke my brain.
When in doubt, use more vowels!
Nah – this post ain’t that funny. Everyone knows that the comedy is in the timing (belt).
Mrphysic –
You got that right….but think the commentary’s waay better then the original ad. )
Without a doubt. And when I’m reading the comments, my brain gets to insert it’s own comedy timing so everyone sounds about 10 times funnier than they probably would in real life.
It’s something I occasionally reflect on – that we should organise a YSaC annual conference to meet up and share witticisms and anecdotes. The only problem would be if everyone’s comic timing was off when delivering their insights verbally – it really can kill a good joke.
The quality of the comments is what makes this site special.
I’d have to agree.
In real life I’m a pretty quiet person. I mostly keep the sarcastic remarks in my head unless I’m around people I know well.
It’s easier if you can type something out, because if it doesn’t look right you can change it.
It would be fine as long as we could all remember what someone was making a joke about 8 hours before, without referencing the original subject.
My family does that all the time. I looked at the as-of-yet-undecided-relational-partner the other night.
“Nick Cannon”.
“Oh yeah. I know who he is, but I’ve never seen him in anything”.
We understood exactly what we were talking about. It was a subject from 2 weeks ago.
Sarajean – I’m kinda jealous. I have a bit of a disability where my head will very quickly come up with sarcastic comments and I just HAVE to say them out loud….even (especially) in meetings.
Having said that, I think it would be a shame to deprive the world of a bit of extra comedy. It surprises me that you describe yourself as a quiet person – your colleagues are missing out.
I’m kind of between Mrphysic and sarajean80. I’m painfully shy, but whenever something whitty pops into my head it comes out of my mouth, almost at the same time. This proves interesting at times, my family has learned to disregard half of what I say, but new people occasionaly just think I’m a bitch.
Yeah I can come across as being a bit of a bastard but at least it entertains my friends.
(See had I been speaking, I would’ve mentioned something about the avatars and crazy old cat ladies but thankfully on here I can censor myself first…………crap I’ve done it again)
“The quality of the comments is what makes this site special.”
I completely agree.
I’m very shy and quiet around people I first meet if they have ANY authority over me whatsoever, but otherwise I tend to come off as sarcastic, dry, and possibly deranged. It has…hindered some friendships. But hey, I probably didn’t want them as friends, anyway! Unless they were going to give me money.
I second the annual YSaCL conference! But we all have to bring our computers and only talk to each other on-line. Can you see 40 or 50 of us in a hotel room, laughing out loud, but not saying anything? 8) I also vote for holding it in Wales.
Yes – the YSaC AGM – my best idea yet (and an overuse of acronyms to boot). Of course we’ll need to find a decent venue at a bargain price……does anyone know where we might look to find such a bargain? (poorly spelt adverts, with bad photos, posted by a spambot with unrealistic expectations would be a bonus)
JAG is, of course, Judge Advocate General. De iure is the Spanish version of the Latin de jure which means “in law.” So, Ashley is actually selling an idea for a new spinoff of the TV show JAG to be broadcast exclusively on Univision.
If this person fixes the timing belt, would it be overly cruel to take this car for a test drive and then park it about a block away? What is the maximum distace allowed for an ankle bracelet?
The first time I read this ad I read it as “Jaguire” and thought, “uh is that what Jerry Macguire would name his Jag? The Jaguire?”