YSaC, Vol. 455: Lol nd psnl asst fr txt w/snx
Personal Assistant needed
Looking for a assistant to help in texting duties –
replies
deleting texts
alerting of new texts
reading texts
filtering text
I get 40 – 50 texts an hour, I cant handle my workload plus texting responsibilities. My phone gets too full and needs deleted every couple hours. This is a full time position and you must be where ever I am at, because my phone is always with me. Serious inquiries only.* Location: XXXXXXXXX
* Compensation: Full Time – 15.00 hr plus snacks
Why does this remind me somehow of the “Dilbert” cartoon where the boss expects his secretary to print out his emails and read them to him?
I’m trying to think of the circumstances under which someone might get that many texts per hour:
1. You’re following a billion people on Twitter, and you’ve got all the messages coming straight to your phone.
2. You’re the lone customer support person for an evil monolithic corporation, like Microsoft or Dippin’ Dots.
3. You’re a thirteen year old girl.
OK, 3 is probably less likely, since the person seems to have an actual job and can afford to offer $15 an hour PLUS snacks. Snacks! Honestly, if this job involves all the dippin’ dots I can eat, I may have to consider it.
Probably the best solution here is for our poster to pull a Miley Cyrus* and swear off texting entirely.
*IMPORTANT NOTE: Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, follow this link. You have been warned.
My mind is completely blank of anything funny in response to this. The only..and I mean ONLY thing I keep thinking is, “This HAS to be a joke, right?”
I want to see the person who is SO self-involved that the entourage actually has a full-time “text response team”. I mean, seriously? They what…follow this person around with the phone all day???
That’s all I’ve got right now.
Very successful drug dealer?
(Pssst, Dan! It’s on Best of Craigslist, but I won’t tell if you won’t.)
Super-Pimp?
I saw this in the best of CraigsList , I didn’t think you used stuff from there.
Aw, crap.
This had been in the “we can use this” pile for a long time; it had been sent in before it made Best of Craigslist, but we didn’t get to it until now.
No Dippin’ Dots for us, I guess.
From the Twitter of @XXX: Thursday, October 15th
6:35 am
“XXX is brushing teeth right now”
7:00 am
“XXX has chosen a cinnamon raisin bagel for breakfast”
8:17 am
“XXX is drinking a 3 shot extra soy dry capp today”
10:23 am
“XXX thinks that the 3 shot extra soy dry capp didn’t agree with their system”
1:36 pm
“XXX is experiencing violent diarrhea this afternoon. I think it may actually rip their soul from their body”.
Okay, see, took me a minute to reflect, but I came up with something.
Marry me.(If you are in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, or Vermont where that sort of thing is done.)
I’ll consider it, though I’m in none of those states.
We’ll run away together!!!
We can adopt a flock of sarcastic smartasses together 🙂
Can I be the flowerboy? Have it in MA, that way I don’t need to move for you guys. 😉
I’ll be moving.. But only after I watch the honeymoon tapes. 😛
See I was thinking that if I could, I would have the comments from YSaC texted directly on my phone as they appear. And then pay some pleb to follow me around all day and read them out in different voices to represent the different voices of all the people who regularly contribute. Sadly I’m not in a position to offer $15 per hour plus snacks……yet…..
Oh and here are some voices that would have to be produced to represent some of you guys:
drmk – chaste nun voice (something similar to Edna K off of Simpsons)
dan – Dan Akroyd
Count Blah – the Count from ‘Sesame Street’
Taco Magic – Nacho Libre
JcT – Cartman
Lola – Phoebe from ‘Friends’
Sarajean80 – Joy from ‘My name is Earl’
Igorthevigorous – the sinister voice on Movie trailers
the list goes on and has no rhyme or reason……..
Really? I always picture drmk as a sexy, intelligent person voice.
Although, nun llamas are the BEST types of nun, I hear. 😛
And thank you! /bow
I do that voice all the time…. in reality.
Me too.
Me Three. :::eyebrow waggle:::
Actually, I sound like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf4d7ifbIvw
…except a hot chick. 🙂
THAT- is a lie
And I Am the only hope
For the TRUTH.
I speak INTERESTINGLY…. because these movies need to make
money…
Damnit, wordpress! Crushing my creative spacing, and not being consistent with your italics and underline macros!
-Sighs dramatically, flips hat and walks away in slow motion, waiting for camera to asplode-
Good choice, Mrphysic! I am actually from the same area of North Carolina as Jaime Pressly, who plays Joy, so I do sound a bit like her.(Her real speaking voice, not the over-the-top accent she uses on the show. I do know people who sound like that, though.)
Dang! I’ve been trying to give points to literally everyone, but my cookie is invalid! I just feel awful about that. An invalid cookie could be terminal, right? Maybe I should have gone for the shortbread instead of the chocolate chip. It’s so hard to stay current with these things. I bet I need a personal assistant to validate my cookies!
We don’t TAKE stuff from Best of Craigslist, but we don’t actually bother to check (at least I don’t) to see if it’s been used. This was submitted independently, by an alert reader whom I completely forgot to thank in the post. Thanks, alert reader! (I don’t have access to the name right now)
Sounds like you could use a personal assistant there, Dan.
Srsly, we need minions.
Maybe you should post an ad. I’ve heard of this place called CraigsList…
Sarajean just won the internet.
I can do the minion thing. I did it for years at my old job — seriously, my boss had me buy things for him on Amazon because he didn’t like to touch computer keyboards.
As for the ad — most seriously, turn OFF the Twitter, only push 1 email account to your phone, and let the Facebook alerts wait until after work.
I think Sarajean and I are soul-mates.
Pick me! Pick me!
I’m one of Terry Pratchett’s Igors, plus I’m VIGOROUS! 😉
@Sherri:
“I can do the minion thing. I did it for years at my old job — seriously, my boss had me buy things for him on Amazon because he didn’t like to touch computer keyboards.”
I used to work at a law firm where one of the partners made his assistant come into his office, read him his email, and then type the replies. Implication was that he was too good/important to type. Sounds like he wasn’t the only one.
I’d like to apply for the minion position…
I have years of experience in groveling, sublimating my own needs, making other people happy, doing other people’s work for no credit, and general sycophancy. Luckily, I’m divorced now.
$15/hr, plus major medical and meaty snacks, works for me. Light cleaning OK.
Seriously. How does one qualify for this job? What does one put on such a resume? ~It is a mystery~
“Those with noticable Kyphosis will receive priority”
I made a joke you have to Google. Yay me!
If you can clean out the litter box,lost-compass, I have a box of Slim Jims with your name on them.
For me, that was called “graduate school”.
Oh snap!
Don’t forget that Graduate School also required you to pay for the honor of performing these tasks.
“Pay $10,000 a year so that I can do the work nobody else wants to do for the slim chance of being allowed to graduate?! Sign me up, sir!”
Not the best life choice I ever made.
@ Lola
For 4 years I typed and answered all of my boss’s email. I also (shhhh) took an online driving test for him when he got a speeding ticket. I bought him silly golf outfits. I checked horse races for him. I hunted down the Italian National Anthem. The IT guy there hated me because mine was the ONE computer he was not allowed to lock out of the Internet. My boss (the owner) could ask me to hunt for any weird thing at any moment.
When I left the job, he was just learning how to answer his email. I had to coach him through the basics of *ugh* AOL.
@Sherri,
Ah – the owner. That explains rather a lot.
It sounds like a good thing that you escaped.
@Tacomagic,
I was just chatting with a friend tonight who is considering graduate school. Her employer is going to pay for it and she doesn’t have to take a full load of classes. I told her to go for it. I paid off mine last year, and that fantasy I had while younger of having a PhD? Dead and dusted. Arguing with thesis profs and paying almost as much as my rent in school loans for the privilege kind of killed that. I’m not sorry I have the degree as it enabled the life I have and like, but I’d never do it again.
@Tacomagic and @Lola — yeah, I got lucky on the financial route through my masters & doctoral programs — I had full scholarships the whole way. I also worked at least 20 hours a week the whole time, too, which in retrospect may not have been the “easy way”. But now I can exact revenge on my graduate students.
Drmk, if I go to college (planning on EMT/paramedic or firefighting instead) I’m definitely taking your classes. Just to warn ya. 😉
Let me guess…is he still using WordStar as his program of choice?
@sherri:
My boss in not so “extreme” in that respect, but more than once he has made me google reviews and obscure trivia about semi-obscure classic films, so that he can look good talking about them in a TV show afterwards. Fortunately, I work mostly from home (that is the good side of my otherwise crappy contract) and generally I only have to go to my workplace two evenings a week; and my boss doesn’t go there much, either, so there are weeks when I don’t see him at all.
Almost perfect spelling! After the YSaC post title I feel like perhaps Shakespeare wrote this ad.
I’m in my happy place! In the words of Suze Orman – “APPROVED!”
Oh, Colleen, you cant be serious! Your spelling and grammar standards need reconfigured. You might have to get out of wherever your happy place is at.
You’ve seen the bulk of the other ads, correct? My standards have become pretty low! It’s sad.
Yeah, a few minutes on the internet will destroy your faith in humanity being the first species with a widespread “language”…
I was born with the interwebs (’93), and have a severe case of cynicism… 😀
I think they make a cream for that now…
I see that I am in the “poor white trash” socioeconomic sector here looking at the above posts…
I keep trying to think of something clever and funny to say, but all I can think is how awesome this job sounds compared to the one I’m at right now…
The downside, of course, would be that I’d be too with this guy’s texting “responsibilities” to check YSaC.
I tried for 20 minutes to come up with something, and in the end I have also been defeated.
It’s really hard to come up with something funny to say when the source material is funnier than I’ll ever be.
Now you guys know how I feel EVERY DAY.
I don’t aspire to fame or fortune but I do aspire to being a frequent witty commenter on YSaC. One day my name will be among those of Tacomagic, of mrpsychic, of soundslikevla…
I feel the same way. I would love to become a regular commenter, but I can never thing of anything to say. Besides, the regular commenters usually say what I’m thinking anyways, so they take the thoughts out of my head, and then I sit there laughing my head off.
they say what you’re thinking? Clearly we have a group of psychic plagiarists on our hands!
I wasted most of my funny on pundikitchen.com, where I was a regular before YsaC…
Now, I just like to watch.
And talk.
My eyes! My eyes!
Why, oh, why did I not heed the warning?
Must…remove…optic…nerves…
I have never been so glad my work computer has no sound.
I saw this ad ON Craigslist while I was looking for a job. I seriously thought about applying for the job, but then I remembered that I have a soul… and that the reply would be a never-ending spam assault on my inbox.
“Spam Assault” would be a great band name.
Heavy metal, of course.
They could tour with the Alt-Rock band my friends and I made in high school. “Paper Jam.”
I’m definitely going to try to talk my guitarist buddy into renaming Dessication for “Spam Assault”…
“…because my phone is always with me.”
No, if I had the job, your phone would apparently always be with ME!
BTW my snack of choice, Miss Hilton, would definitely be Cheetos just so I could give your QWERTY keyboard a nice greasy orange-crumb glow.
Papa Chester’s proud of you.
At the end of the day you could stick the phone to the wall like a post-it note.
@Tm:
Sticking cell phones to walls works way better if my snack of choice is Fiddle Faddle.
what city is this for, i know a lot of unemployed people right now
It’s in the Best-of for Baltimore.
It was also posted in Portland, OR
Baltimore, eh? Hmm…… what alternative means of employment in Baltimore might possibly pay for someone to hang around and sort through incomings on your phone?
You’ve been watching The Wire, I take it.
I was bored, so I did the math. Assuming a standard 40 hour work-week, you would gross $600. 40 texts per hour for that 40 hours would be 1600 and you would be paid $0.37 per text answered.(50 per hour is 2000 at a rate of $0.30 each.) But if s/he recieves them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the numbers jump up to 6720 at a rate of $0.09 and 8400 at a rate of $0.07 per text respectfully and you would have to answer them at a rate of 168 and 210 per hour. That’s one text every .36 or .29 seconds. Not including snacking time.
They used to hire personal assistants based on wpm, perhaps the new generation of self-important management types will be asking for tps (text per second) reports?
I’m not ashamed to admit that sarajean80’s post got me a little hot.
I have that effect on people ♥
-Drools distractedly and crosses legs-
What? No, no, just enjoying…. the scenery…. -Neck snapping sounds from trying to keep head up-
Still better than you’d make on Amazon’s Mechanical Turk!
Snacks? I love snacks! I also love that this person has “texting responsibilities.” Really? Responsibilities?
Here’s a +1 for the snacks. Mmmm.
You notice there’s no mention of such pesky things as benefits, time off, that sort of thing. I guess you’d be too busy developing carpal tunnel syndrome and wolfing down Twinkies to care about such things.
Pro: You wouldn’t NEED healthcare, because I think if you eat enough twinkies, you cease to have internal organs, and are instead filled with a delicious, frosting-like substance.
Pro: You wouldn’t need time off – since you would no longer have a brain, you wouldn’t get stressed out.
Con: With no brain, you would only be capable of texting “LOL” and “OMG!”.
Pro: You should still have an appropriate answer to almost any question or statement.
I’d take the job. Install software on the phone to auto-delete texts from anyone who isn’t on his/her contacts list and it’s a breeze.
Something in me – perhaps the part that’s on cold medicine, since I’m home with a sore throat today – suspects this is some older, scummy guy who, for reasons I just won’t speculate on, wants someone young and female as a personal assistant. “You know teenage girls, always texting, right?” is his logic/justification for attempting to hire some sweet young thing. The snacks are half-stale bagels and pastries he (a) pilfers from meeting rooms after the meetings but before the catering people clean up, or (b) gets at the Entenmann’s outlet down the street if he’s “self-employed.”
If it’s a woman – it’s some housewife who has started a business outside of the home but wants to keep up with her social life. She’s a beeyatch on wheels even when not in her constantly-idling Lexus SUV and her idea of snacks are soy-based, wheat-, dairy-, and taste-free (apologies to those who eat snacks with dietary restrictions that are tasty – I do know they exist).
Fifteen bucks an hour (excuse me while I pause for a moment and am again grateful that I don’t just have a job, but one I like, and can live on) wouldn’t be enough for me to follow anyone around and deal with their texts. Anyone I’ve met who is that into their texts is usually an asschapeau of the highest order.
Stumbling back into the arms of cold med-induced sleep …
OMG, lola, srsly gt btr soon kthks.
Sadly, 15 an hour isn’t too bad around here right now, and I live near DC. Sadly, I was making this at my second job back in 97.
I have a bachelors degree, a related associates degree and work in a specialized field; I still make less than $15 an hour. I do live in the middle of nowhere though, so our cost of living is super low.
And we always have snacks at work, so that’s a bonus. I’ve named my new chin roll after our secretary, she makes the best cupcakes.
Thanks Lola, you’ve killed the magic of this post for me.
Here I was thinking the employer might be a 30 something female office executive who is terrible at personal restraint and just recently relized that she could forward all her social websites to her phone.
Now I’m picturing an unemployed 47 year old, 300 pound man who wears a white t-shirt stained brown with years of his imperfectly aimed snack foods, and wants only to visually molest any unsuspecting applicant who is foolish enough to fall into his devious trap.
Now that I’ve had that image burned into my imagination, I sit here feeling like he’s already molested me with his gaunt, staring eyes. Thanks a lot, Lola.
I feel like a violated teen…
He doesn’t visually molest boys, right? PLEASE SAY YES… /cry.
By the way, Lola, yeah. That’s generally true about the “txters” part, although, if they can text in perfect grammar, it’s fine by me.
Tm,
No, I was thinking more along the lines of some greasily almost-handsome guy who was just good looking enough to have some self-esteem, but had the social skills and subtlety of a female mutt in heat. This mental picture was provided by the placer of a personal ad to which I once responded; he’d originally seemed OK and wasn’t bad looking but when I inquired about his last relationship, said that he had … had this intern, but her internship ended …
I didn’t bother meeting him. In fact, after that message, I didn’t even bother calling him.
That ad experience was a couple of years ago but that predatory approach stuck in my brain.
So, Igor, I rather doubt he’d visually molest you; rather he’d likely elbow you and wink-wink when his unlucky assistant made the unavoidable mistake of coming into the room.
Keep his dirty elbows off me!
😀
My last job paid less than this (in a high tech field no less) and was more humiliating. I’d take this one in a second. Unfortunately I speak and write in somewhat complete sentences, so I am completely unqualified to read the gibberish known as ‘texting’.
I THOUGHT you looked a little medicated
Perhaps this person is a high-priced, very popular whore ?
…Which reminds me of a bit from…SNL, maybe?–where they listed the top 5 worst jobs to have. #2 was Crack Whore. #1 was Assistant Crack Whore.
Ok, that gets a big DO NOT WANT.
But I have a story…
Several years ago, my husband and I went to Amsterdam to visit a friend. Said friend took us on a city tour which included nearly hourly stops at cafes, because Rien can’t go long without coffee. While at one, we saw this tall, willowy woman walk by. She wore a very short, flirty skirt and knee high boots covered in what looked like hot pink Muppet fur. Rien gave us a knowing look and said “Prostitute.”
Not 5 seconds behind her came another young woman, much shorter and not so provocatively dressed. She was pushing a bicycle and she wore the VERY SAME MUPPET FUR BOOTS. After a quick double take, Rein leaned over to me and said with confidence, “Assistant prostitute. Maybe an intern.”
I award you the key to Igor town for that story…
If I’d had my camera out, I would have taken pictures of the Muppet Boots.
Is Igor town like Funky town?
Sort of, but there are more lisping, limping Igors.
For the rest of the characters, it’s basically a Terry Pratchett book with more cynicism.
So, Igor town is like Ahnk-Morpork with a creepy beat? I’m trying to imagine that.
You have to try?
All we really worry about is cake, consciously make an effort to follow your morals, more cake/food, and teh wimmenz.
Bob, new text alert. It’s from Hailey. She says:
“OMG LOL i no rite??????? ur so krazy 😉 xoxo”
Which takes longer, and by how much?
SCENE 1:
[beep]
Poster reads message: “Lol I brushed my teeth twice this morning accidentally.”
Poster responds: “Haha, that is so something you would do,” hits send.
SCENE 2:
[beep]
Assistant: “Message from Stella. She says ‘Lol I brushed my teeth twice this morning accidentally.'”
Poster: “Haha, that is so something she would do. What an airheaded moron.”
Assistant: “Should I make that your response?”
Poster: “Leave out the moron part. Then have a Cheeto.”
Assistant: “Thank you sir.”
Assistant replies to text: “Haha, that is so something you would do. What an airheaded.”
Shouldn’t it be; “LOL, DAT SO SUMTIN U DU WHT N ARHD”
That made my brain melt a little bit. I hate text-speak. We have vowels for a reason, people. Now I have to go scrape my IQ off the floor.
Please, Sara, never do that again in front of me. I can feel the vomit in my esophagus now.
Last week, a coworker said, while holding his phone text-style, “I can’t seem to spell ‘appreciate’!” I said, “I think there’s an ‘8’ in it.” He earned my respect when he responded, “I spell out my words when I text, thank you!”
I’m biased because my mother worked many years as a secretary, but I tend to find that secretaries and assistants of any kind (at least those with any talent for the position) tend to be more intelligent and tactful than their bosses.
So in that situation the poster would have replied “Haha, that is so something you would do. What an airheaded”, while the assistant would probably have turned into “Haha, that is so something you would do. You’re always so quirky and fun!”
At 40 -50 texts an hour, it would be like this every minute or so.
“Incoming text, Boss. It’s your mom.”
….
“Incoming text, Boss. It’s Jane.”
….
“Incoming text, Boss. It’s your mom again.”
Repeat for the rest of your mind-numbingly desperate life.
You should add the “humanity is doomed” tag. That was my first thought after I read this.
Wait, didn’t you know…this is Larry King! He has someone to follow him around to write his “tweets.” (I can’t believe I actually wrote that word. *sigh*) Maybe he needs someone to take care of his texts as well!
I cannot fathom the whole phemonenon of constantly updating complete strangers on my every movement and cereal choice. The idea of checking on the personal, dietary and/or hygiene habits of others, even “famous” people, also strikes me as a waste of time.
Not that I’m terribly productive with the time I have. I spent twenty minutes this morning using a rubber band to launch paper clips at a small paper crane folded from a post-it in an attempt to push it off my desk. It’s been a slow day.
That’d be the HIGHLIGHT of my school day, Sara…
Sara, I use Twitter these days mostly to commiserate with a fellow freelance editor in England. We bemoan together in 140 characters or less.
For 15 bucks an hour, I would almost consider this, if I could convince myself it wasn’t a total hoax. It’s probably someone who has a Twitter spambot, though, or a real estate agent or stocks trader. Some tiny part of me thinks, “No, it’s totally a rockstar- you’d get to go to awesome parties and just be their personal Twitter hound.”
DIBS on the band name “Twitter Hound”.
Good, cuz my band is “Twitter Whores”. LOL!
Oh god. Couldn’t you have put the warning in before the link, drmk?
I’m going to have to give myself a lobotomy, after seeing/hearing that…. that….
The worst part is, the exit button had a delayed exit because of a computer stop! The video kept playing, though… and it was… Terrifying.
ok. i am an old fogey from the 60s. you need an assistant for texting??? sorry, but WTF?
queensbee,
It’s not your age. Any sane person, of any age or occupation, should not need an assistant for this. WTF is an appropriate response.
Please, PLEASE somebody point me in the direction of the Dilbert strip that our webmistress references! I have a boss who makes HIS secretary read his email to him (he also cannot use a computer). I have to see this!
I’m sorry George, I don’t remember… it was from back when I was working in IT, and that’s during the Clinton administration.
Dan, I wasn’t aware you’d become a mistress? 😉
And I wasn’t aware that the mistress wrote this one. (You can tell by checking the byline… some are by the llama-nun, and some are by the ostrich)
Oh, I know, but he didn’t check it, and you responded o he itle misress….
(I know- sorry, my T button is half-broken today.)
Penny, “Er um, what are you doing?”
Billy, “Texting… it’s important or I’d stop.”
Maybe if Billy had placed this ad, Captain Hammer wouldn’t have won the girl.
You get a frozen yogurt for the epic Dr. Horrible reference!
What a crazy, random happenstance!
Billy: You’re treating a symptom while the disease rages on, consumes the human race. The fish rots from the head, so they say. So I’m thinking, why not cut off the head?
Penny: Of the human race?
Billy: It’s not a… perfect metaphore.
Here’s a little rule I like to live by:
Don’t trust an ad for someone who is able to play $15/hr if they aren’t willing to pay a little money to put their ad on a regulated job-search site.
Along the same lines, regarding ‘connections’:
If the person is looking for ‘long term, lasting, love-of-my-life’ but unwilling to pay $9.95/mo, you may want to pass.
And if someone says ‘don’t click the link, you’ve been warned’, never, never, NEVER click the damn link. You might get bad white-girl rapping.
Learned that third rule recently, did we?
-Cries and throws babies at drmk for not putting the warning BEFORE the link so he wouldn’t accidentally click it-
You should make this site idiot proof!
😛
But if she did that, we’d miss out on your great comments!
JK, anyone who is a Pratchett Igor is my new BFF!
I found the Dilbert strip!
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1996-08-04/
And, a bonus one:
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1995-12-11/
and he wants Carol to buy him a sammich!
Thanks for the research Gary.
The ‘Becky’s Classifieds’ link on the Scott Mills show, on BBC’s Radio 1 in the UK, beat you to this one about 3 months ago 😉
Yeah, it was posted back in July. It had just been sitting in our “we could use this” pile for a while.
I want that job! Double minimum wage PLUS SNACKS?! And all you do is text?!?! Unless “where ever she happens to be” happens to be crack houses and the scenes of grisly murders.