YSaC, Vol. 458: It’s too early in the year to make a “Sleigh Ride” joke.
Does everybody have their solid-wall-of-capitalized-text glasses on? You do? Oh, good. You’re going to need them.
SANTA SLEIGH LARGE WOODEN OUTDOOR DISPLAY – $195 (SALEM;OHIO)
FORGET THE 1/4 INCH OR THE 1/2 INCH CHEAP MINIATURE PLYWOOD SLEIGHS THAT ONLY LAST A SEASON OR TWO!…OR THE CARDBOARD SLEIGHS THAT WARP AND BLOW DOWN .IVE GOT THE REAL DEAL THAT WILL LAST FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME!..THIS OUTDOOR SANTA SLEIGH IS CRAFTED AND BUILT BY MYSELF USING GOOD CLEAN BETTER GRADE 5/8 { NEARLY 3/4 INCH }SANDED PLYWOOD FROM HOME DEPOT…CHECK IT OUT!!…NO FILLER CRACKS ;HOLES;SPLINTS LIKE THE CHEAP GRADE..ALL NICE CLEAN SANDED WOOD READY TO BE PAINTED AND DECORATED TO YOUR CHOOSING AND DECOR…MEASURES 3 FEET HIGH; 4 FEET LONG AND 25 INCHES WIDE!…WILL HOLD CHILDREN AS WELL AS ADULTS FOR PHOTOS!..WONDERFUL FOR CHRISTMAS EVENTS ;WILL HOLD GIFTS AND PERFECT FOR PHOTO TAKING WITH KIDS…ALL ASSEMBLED USING 1/4 INCH BOLTS ;NUTS AND WASHERS FOR STRENGTH AND DURABILITY..AS WELL AS CAN BE EASILY DISSASEMBLED FOR STORAGE . WILL HANG ON GARAGE WALL..ALSO HEAVY ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND NORMAL WINDS AND NOT TOPPLE OVER LIKE THE STORE BOUGHT LIGHT WEIGHT ONES.{ 30+ POUNDS} ..AND JUST AS EASY TO REASSEMBLE YEAR AFTER YEAR..BUILT TO LAST!!..JUST GIVE IT A GOOD COAT OF PAINT AND THE 16 BOLTS KEEP IT TIGHT TO PREVENT WARPING FROM WINTER WEATHER!..TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….HERES A SPECIAL NOTE!!….BUYING THIS COULD BE YOUR PATTERN TO GET STARTED MAKING AND SELLING IT IN YOUR AREA!…ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…IF YOU LIKE WOOD WORKING YOU WILL MAKE BIG PROFIT!!…SOOOOO.!!. SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS WITH THIS DISPLAY PIECE THIS CHRISTMAS AND GET STARTED TAKING ORDERS FOR NEXT YEAR IN A BIG WAY!!…….THANKS..
Since nobody in their right mind can possibly make it through all of that, please allow me to highlight some of the more … interesting things about this ad.
TOO HEAVY TO SHIP SO MUST BE PICK UP ONLY!….PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR MORE INFO. OR TO ARRANGE PICK UP AT MY SHOP!…{ A SPECIAL NOTE}….I WILL ALSO ADJUST SHIPPING COST DOWN DEPENDING ON YOUR ZIP CODE AT TIME OF PURCHASE OR WINNING BID…TO REFLECT YOUR ACTUAL COST OF SHIP AND HANDLING!.. IT WILL BE SHIPPED UPS ;BANDED TOGETHER WITH SEATS AND HARDWARE IN BETWEEN THE TWO LARGE SIDE PIECES ….READY TO BE ASSEMBLED BY YOU IN MINUTES!….
That’s right, it’s “pick up only” because it’s too heavy to ship … so he’ll adjust the shipping cost down to reflect the actual shipping cost when he ships it to you UPS. After you win your bid on Craigslist, of course.
ITS THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY AND I HAVE MADE OVER 1000 OF THEM IN THE LAST 10 YEARS…
Other than the other 1,000 of these he’s made (and the others made by the people who bought them and then started tracing them so that they could start selling them as well), this is the only one of its kind anywhere!
The only way this thing is going to SHOCK AND AWE YOUR NEIGHBORS is if the neighborhood kids pile up the fake roof reindeer underneath it and set the whole tacky mess on fire.
So if you’re one of those people who insist on competing in the Cavalcade of Crappy Christmas Decorations each year, this sleigh is for you. And as an added bonus — it’s sturdy enough to support you when you pass out in it after your annual eggnog bender at the Elks Lodge.
Thanks for the ad, Heather!
It’s the only one – except for its 989 twins lurking in sheds and landfills across the country. And there was the unfortunate incident with 10 of them at Burning Man – but those don’t really exist anymore as sleds. Sorry, sleighs.
This guy was actually going along pretty well until he started stumbling over the pick-up only yet banded for UPS shipping.
But you know? Paint it a little differently and I think this would make a terrific swan seat on a carousel. (http://www.carouselofhappiness.org/animals.html Scroll down almost to the bottom and click on the thumbnail if you’re so inclined.)
Or… you paint one side as Santa’s sleigh and put it on your roof with that side facing out to the street during the Christmas season and paint the other side as a swan and put it on the inside part of your carousel so that the sleigh part is facing the machinery and the swan part facing out, if you see what I mean.
Do they still have carousels even?
Am I a little too enthusiastic about this?
Should I go have a lie-down in a darkened room?
Darkened rooms don’t work anymore. Too much stuff going on. There’s dining in the dark, bowling in the dark, mini-golf in the dark…
We might as all just admit defeat and start mainlining Ambien right now.
Mainlining? I just inject it directly into my brain.
Never have I had to keep editing a post until I had only 13 seconds left. There is clearly something deeply disturbing in the subtext.
Up until I saw the pictures I was going to buy one to start my winter Olympic career. Now I think the lie-down in the darkened room beckons, I’m capitalised out.
I need the lie-down (and I just got up) for the combination of ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME and the hideous misuse of semicolons.
*goes to have the lie-down*
but- somehow he(she?) managed to spell pretty much everything correctly!
i think i’ll take a vacation from capital letters for a week to compensate for what i just had to see.
Since I judge all fractions in relation to 3/4, it’s a relief to know that 5/8 is nearly 3/4. How about 7/8, you say? No, that’s too much. What about 1/2? It’s not enough by half! How’s 11/16? Now you’re just being silly. 5/8 is nearly 3/4, eh? That’s just right!
5/8 is the new 3/4.
Better than 5/4 being the new 3/8.
(All the cool waltzes these days are being written in 5/8 time.)
5/8 is nearly 3/4 and when you think about it 3/4 is almost 7/8 which is damned close to a full inch of thickness. So, while those other cheap sleighs are only 1/2 inch plywood, this one is almost a full inch. (Try not to notice that 1/2 is to 5/8 what 5/8 is to 3/4)
This sounds suspiciously like man-math. What is it about guys and measurements?
The only measurements guys seem to be sure of every time are 36-24-36
Canio6: Violent Femmes reference (?*) FTW.
*The ? is because I don’t know if it is intentional or not. Win in either case.
[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
36-24-36? Only if she 5’3″!
[/Sir Mix-a-Lot]
It says something about me that I know the entirety of the lyrics to that song. 😐 (if you don’t know what song it is, look up Baby Got Back)
I suspect that the Craigslist post was not written by the same person who built the sled, if for no other reason than because the photos reveal that the sled isn’t only built out of plywood. Also, some parts of the description seem to have been written for a different site (one where there is bidding) and cut-and-pasted heedlessly. It actually looks like sort of a nice lawn-decorating sled, if you go for that sort of thing. (I prefer flamingos.)
My theory: scam plagiarism.
Which, incidentally, would be a pretty good name for a band…
If he really does refuse to ship these, it means that not only are there over a thousand of them in existence, there are over a thousand of them in his city. Unless people are driving from far and wide to pick them up.
So now I’m picturing some little town where everyone’s gone plywood-sleigh crazy and puts 40 of them on their lawn each holiday season.
There was a guy in my parents’ neighborhood who, about a dozen years ago, decided to sell a metal frame in a tree shape, with lights on to outline the shape, to all of the neighbors. He wanted everyone to have the same decoration on their front lawn so that when people drove up the hill on which the subdivision is located, it would look all matchy and magical.
My parents resisted and were one of the very few to do so. I am still proud of them. They didn’t look bad, but if my fam had wanted to live in a place with groupthink, they’d have moved to one of those fascistic gated communities where the colors you can paint your home are dictated. On the other hand, a place like that might have banned those stupid trees, too …
Us? We encourage all our community members to be creative! Just not too much! (Especially not that pesky minority family down the road!)
There is an entire town near where I live where they have exaustive rules about EVERYTHING. Everything is color-coordinated and matches, it’s like driving through one of those creepy towns you see in the movies. I always expect zombies to start shambing down the street screaming “BRAAAINS”. Would never happen, though. Unless the zoning board approved a zombie crossing.
Places like that bother me. While I’d never paint my house mustard yellow with Concord grape-purple trim (which I’ve seen), I want to know I’ll always have that option.
I need two of these, for sure. No, not one to crap on and one to cover it up with.
I need one so I can watch my neighbors gather in the street marveling at the good clean better-grade 5/8 (nearly 3/4 inch for you inch-ignorant losers) Home Depot plywood. That ain’t no Lowes crap here, people. And while my neighbors are standing in the street being overcome with envy, you KNOW I’ll be standing on the porch with my arms crossed thinking, “That’s right bitches, Home DEPOT plywood! You are SICK with envy!”
The other one will be part of my master plan to REALLY turn my neighbors green with envy. That’s right, I’m putting real metal sleigh runners on the other one, and then I am getting a horse and hooking it all up and traveling the neighborhood in it. I’ll offer the neighbors rides for only $10 each. I am sure the 5/8 plywood is sturdy enough to hold four or five of them at a time! I’ll make millions, I can feel it.
The next time it snows here in Central Texas, I. Will. Be. RICH.
And I can just picture Tuffy dressed as an elf, chucking presents at the little tykes for a mere $20 each, arranged in advance. Better start practicing your Ho Ho Hos, JcT! Global warming is on your side.
I tried to put an elf hat on Tuffy once. My physical therapist says after a few more sessions I may be able to grip things with that hand again.
I have a friend who lives in centralish Tx (Austin) and last year she reported that one day it was 80 but that evening when they came out of the movies it was 20, and snowing.
You’d better make those trips fast, JcT, before it gets all hot and melty the next day!
Austin isn’t centrallish. It’s the most central of centers, the very soul and omphalos of the Lone Star State.
I lived there for more than twenty years, and it snowed enough for snowballs just three times in that whole period.
I lived in Austin for the last 4 months of 2001. I did my Christmas shopping in shorts. On the other hand, my neighbors looked at me like I was insane when I swam in the outdoor pool at our apartments in November. It was warmer than I’m used to in the summer in Finland.
My friend who lives in Austin moved from Southern France, where they have seasons. She grew up in the Pacific Northwest, so the semi-seasonless (hot, and hotter) weather there wasn’t familiar before she moved to France, either.
isaac! You said omphalos! Marry me!
Yes, Central Texas is a great place for people who like snow for a day every few years, so they can throw snowballs and build snowmen for a few hours, and then goes goes away. I am that kind of person. The thought of having to hook up a heater to my car to start it, or chip off the ice from my carage door to get it open, does not appeal to me in any way. When “wintry weather” hits my town, they close everything down and make people stay home. It doesn’t matter if it is a quarter-inch of snow dust; everyone just stays home. 🙂
Of course, the reason they all stay home is that the roads become super-hazardous, since no native Texan has the faintest idea how to drive on snow or ice, and people start panicking.
Once when I was in college, they closed the University of Texas a little after noon because the weather service was predicting a cold front that could bring freezing rain. The front didn’t actually hit Austin until around 8:30 at night, but I think they still might have been making the right call.
Here in central NC even a suggestion of icy or snowy weather will close schools and businesses. We get regular freezing weather and the occasional ice or snow storm, but since a few years ago when a quarter inch of ice deadlocked the capitol for hours (it took me eight hours to get home, a normally fourty-five minute commute) they are really overly cautious.
I’m told by a friend who lived there that Seattle doesn’t deal well with snow. It’s pretty mild there and the city has some pretty pitiful number of snowplows relative to its size and more hills than most, and (reportedly) lots of transplants from California who aren’t used to driving in it, so people freak out if there’s a half inch or something. We grew up on the other side of the mountains (the Cascades) from there and were entirely too familiar with driving in the snow.
I have a November birthday and my dad insisted on teaching me to drive in the snow. Our Delaware winters aren’t as icy as they used to be, but that year there was a good half inch layer of ice topping the streets. I was, to put it mildly, terrified! He had me speeding down my neighborhood streets in a crumbling Ford step van and slamming on the brakes. After I took out 2 mailboxes and nearly careened into a ditch, I got the hang of it. Suffice it to say, nothing scares me now. No amount of snow (particularly in a much more easy to maneuver compact car) can intimidate me. I pity those poor folks who don’t know how to drive in the snow. As crazy as my dad is, I firmly believe this technique should be included in all driver’s ed courses.
Side note: I’m not a carpenter but I would imagine that bolting pieces of wood tightly together won’t stop it from warping. It’ll hold things together for a while, but eventually the wood would probably just split around the bolts.
It most certainly would…
At least, according to my carpentry teacher.
Ha! I was right. *Happy dance*.
That’s why you have to paint it. Paint keeps it from warping, of course. And it’s gotta be HOME DEPOT paint. It’s magical like that.
Magical paint? Is it made from ground-up elves, or maybe the blood of unicorns? ‘Cause I’d actually pay full price for that, instead of rummaging through the discounted returns.
I can remember my dad telling me in this awful faux-old man voice that you have to “seal the pores!” whenever you make something out of wood. Apparently it was his shop teacher’s favorite phrase. I stay away from woodworking myself (I leave such things to the menfolk, this is what they’re there for) but I will never forget to paint unfinished wood – ever.
Especially if this thing is made ONLY from plywood (Which the picture sort of shows it isn’t). I don’t care if you use better-grade or super-better-grade plywood; if you leave that stuff outside in the elements water is going to get between the sheets and cause it to warp and split.
If this guy actually knew what he was doing, the sled would have been made entirely out of cedar or some other weather resistant wood.
However, you can buy a sheet of “better-grade” plywood for about $25, cut it out using a pattern and screw it together with $2 worth of hardware in about an hour. If he used “better-grade” cedar, it’d cost closer to $40 (dependig on where you are in the country) and that would be unreasonable.
Either way, that $168 labor charge is a killer.
From the way it’s made, I suspect that as soon as the plywood starts to warp and split, the whole thing is going to collapse if anyone over about 80 lbs gets in it. That front shot, there should be some angled bracing in there, surely?
Oh, you’re not paying for the labor. You’re paying for the “artistry”.
I worked at the Despot, er, Depot earlier in life, and I can’t tell you how many people came in complaining that their plywood warped under bolting, or under weight, or because it got wet…
My neighbors’ kids setting that and their damned fake reindeer on fire would, in fact, shock me for different reasons- I’d suddenly discover that they are better people than I thought they were.
Hehe. I actually really want one of these. I’m all about obnoxious Christmas decorations and this would be a real nice seat for Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus. As well as the Mr.’s bastard elf children. Then I can put a whole line of reindeer in front of it and a huge blow-up igloo down the yard.
*Starts scheming about holiday decorations*
Put a huge blow-up igloo in his lap and then make a giant line of snow, call it your “happy fortress” and take a round, hollow pipe and stick it out of the snow line. Ahhh, cocaine jokes… 🙂
You know, I was thinking it looked like a decent item, and $195 really isn’t bad for something like that–if you’re the kind of person who does a huge lawn display, you’re spending hundreds of dollars on electricity anyway. Too bad his writing skills suck like a big sucky thing.
There’s a really run-down house in town that owns every holiday decoration known to mankind. You cannot see a blade of grass on their postage stamp sized lawn for all the madness. For each major holiday there are numerous inflatable whatevers, cut-outs, crap hanging from the tree (they just have one of those), stuff propped in front of their porch…their roof is literally sliding off their house and there’s a door to nowhere on their second floor, but by gum! They have three giant snow globes on their lawn come December 1st. Dammit, Obama: please be more picky about how the stimulus money is spent.
I just want to be able to see my house from space. Is that wrong?
I see Christmas in a whole new light now. To quote Tiny Tim: “God bless us every…SHOCK AND AWE MUTHAF*CKERS!”
well, it kinda looks like nice woodworking. but i’m not into the christmas deco thing. and no, i doonnnt want a gigantic wooden menorah, thank you so much.
So how about a swan car for your carousel? Hmmm?
The last place I worked had a giant menorah in the lobby, along with the Christmas tree. When I say giant, I also mean bright. I suspected that it could have lit the way (and brightly!) for the Israelites for the whole 40 years of wandering, never mind the 8 days for the Maccabees.
queensbee, your neighbors probably appreciate your not having one of these, because they enjoy being able to sleep!
true dat. but it hasnt stopped some folks from putting out these enormous inflatable figurines, pumpkins, witches, etc. i find these inflatable things very strange.
One of the houses I pass on the way home has a giant inflatable treasure chest on the front lawn. No other decor, just the chest. Sometimes it’s inflated, other times it’s a pile on nylon on the grass. What holiday could that possibly be for? We’ve already had Talk Like A Pirate Day.
I’d show this entry to my husband, but then he’d try to track they guy down and buy one. Really.
Your husband… he can read CAPSLOCK speak?
If your husband likes shoddly made Christmas decorations by nearly illiterate people, then do I have a deal for him!
I’ve got 2 used pallets that I got from a free pile outside a construction site. For the low price of $285 I’m willing to turn those pieces of wood into a genuine one-of-a-kind santa sleigh… or at least an approximation of one. Making an actual sleigh out of that stuff would be really difficult.
But since it’s made out of use pallets, it would hold up in the weather! Right? Right?!
I can’t really vouch for my illiteracy though… but I bet I misspelled something in all that mess.
Excellent, I thought I’d run out of possible penis extensions but just when I start to feel inadequate, up pops something like this (and once again my neighbours can give sideways glances to each other).
I live for neighbour envy – and sleighs are clearly the new hot rod (they call me a boy sleigh-cer). Chicks will be clamouring round, wanting to pose on the sleigh wearing next to nothing…..just a shame we’re coming up to summer in NZ really (oh – and he doesn’t deliver…..wait…..errr?……??)
OK – anymore penis extension ideas out there? (1/2 INCH IS STILL AN EXTENSION)
You should totally glue a spoiler to your new sleigh. Nothing says GIANT PENIS like cruising your front yard with a tricked out sleigh.
Flames, hydraulics, a muffler spreader, and woofer based sound system… you’ll have the largest ghost penis in town!
“My epeen is bigger than urses!”
“Nuh-uh! My armor is SO much better, noob! I’m better than you!”
“Are you guys always this f*cking stupid?”
I heard Billy May’s voice in my head when I read this post……*sniff*
This was my submission. I’m ashamed to say that I was so overwhelmed by the wall of text that I missed the “only one like it anywhere/I’ve made 1000 of these” contradiction…my brain had shut down long before I got to that part.