YSaC, Vol. 441: In Which YSaC Makes Fun of a Craigslist Post.
Actress Seeking Agent And Exposure
I have Experience In Movies, Theater And print Work. All I Need IS: Legitimate Agent Who I Can Make Believe I’m A Talented actress.
I Also Have A Resume AM Still Building UP.
I am 5”2, 130 With A Curves, Off Cause Curves Is IN, Urban Completion,
Please No Responds From Adult Film Producers.
You know who one of YSaC’s favorite authors is? A. A. Milne, that’s who. When he put Capitals in Unexpected Places, you know he was making a Interesting Comment about Man’s Inhumanity to Man. Or possibly Bear’s Inhumanity to Bear. But either way, you knew it was a Serious, Yet Witty Point that was being made.
You were pretty sure it wasn’t because he was a Talentless Bimbo with absolutely no Writing Skills to Speak Of.
Of course, in her defense, Mr. Milne:
..probably wasn’t burned out from fending off Adult Film Producers.
Thanks, Lauren!
If she only wants to “make believe” she’s a talented actress, why does she need a real agent?
She needs someone to clap his hands and say “I believe”.
1) First, I am shocked — SHOCKED, I say — to find this site makes fun of Craigslist ads. SHOCKED.
2) Perhaps she should reconsider her use of the word “exposure” in light of her last line
3) I don’t want to know what “Off Cause Curves” are, and I certainly don’t want to know they are “in”
4) What in Hell on Earth is an “Urban Complexion”? Does that mean her skin has changed color due to smog?
I’m still being shocked over here, in case you forgot.
That’s Urban Completion. I think that means she already Did the whole Town.
And that is probably why she doesn’t take offers from adult film producers: she wants to avoid being typecast.
Doing the whole urban area to completion left her over-exposing her off cause curves causing her “talent” to be doubted by “professionals” who don’t work Hollywood Blvd. It’s a common story that I think we can all relate to and who hasn’t had to fend off emails from adult film producers?……
Good, others did pick up on the “Urban Completion” thing.
I, unfortunatly, had a disgusting mental image after reading that line.
Gah, I’ve been doing so much slush reading that I’m automatically correcting things without knowing.
Urban completion is worse. Far worse. I am not thinking about it any more.
Zing!
Ohhhhhhhh my god. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what “urban completion” was, but I think you’re right: I think she meant “complexion”. And I think it’s a fancy, obtuse way of saying that she’s black. How totally ridiculous.
Hi Count Blah, surely if Berlusconi can refer to the Obamas as “the sun-tanned couple” then maybe she’s “urban sun-tan”? … mind you I keep picturing grey pebble-dashed urban housing – or it may be her way of explaining the texture of her “completion / complexion”?
It is SUCH a departure from our usually supportive, constructive remarks.
I imagined “Urban Complexion” to be a synonym for “ghetto booty.”
*removes jumper cables from Sherri.
I don’t know. I think Mr. Milne is kinda cute.
I think this actress is saying she owns a Curves gym. I’m not sure what’s off about it, though.
I think the “A Curves” part means she has a tiny pointed head and enormous, clown-like feet that stick out to the sides.
Maybe it’s more like the curves of a lower-case a—she has a super-long but not very straight neck, and a generous belly, and no legs.
Wait. I mean a lower-case “a.” Apparently the font I’m typing in here changes the letter a when it goes italic. What’s with that?
Whoa, weird! I wonder if my style sheet changes the font for italics. Will check.
Having different lettershapes in italic is quite standard for serif typefaces, particularly for the lower case. Lower-case a and g are usually the most dramatic examples, but also f, e and sometimes y or v change.
I’d iambic A.A. Milne’s pentameter any day.
Why can I not give this more points?! I make jokes like that and my husband says I’m the only one! I appreciate your excellent taste in inuendo!
Here, here!
I have a sign in my bathroom that says “Pooh’s Thinking Spot”. No one has ever gotten it. It makes me sort of sad.
Hear, hear!
SaraJean80- “Pooh’s Thinking Spot” as a bathroom sign is about the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard of. Thank you for making my day. 😀 😀 😀
My ex and I had a running joke: if one of us had to relieve ourselves, we would sweep the folds of an imaginary cape over our shoulders, point dramatically at the bathroom door, and say: “To the BatRoom!” in a loud, commanding voice.
(You know, like “To the BatMobile!”)
(Maybe you had to be there.)
That is terrific. And here y’all were thinking you were the only ones!
“I’d iambic A.A. Milne’s pentameter…”
“Pooh’s Thinking Spot”
“To the BatRoom!”
You people make me LOL. Really, truly LOL. Which is probably annoying for the neighbors. Thin walls, you know…
Why does she say she will Make the agent Believe she has Talent? Agents get a percentage of the money you make and they don’t really care if you have talent or not, just that you work. You could be cutting the ribbon at a Wal-Mart opening or be Corpse #63 in the next Hostel movie and they would be happy either way. If she already has Experience In Movies, Theater, and print Work, wouldn’t she have had an agent then? Perhaps he was Illegitimate.
Also, people who are actually talented don’t have to “make” people believe them. It tends to be self-evident. That line bugged me more than anything else in the ad.
I can’t help but picture some strung-out bimbo with over-bleached hair and shaking hands holding a gun to the head of the poor idiot who answered this ad.
“Believe I have Talent! BELIEVE!!!”
A. A. Milne does not have curves, he was all angles. Pooh Bear did, though. And don’t get me started on Christopher Robin.
“Off Cause Curves Is IN”? Is she southern? Of Cause!
If she was Southern, it would be “Of CO-was.” — any single vowel can be made into two if it’s warm where you are.
As a native of the South, I think the constant heat and humidity somehow melts our vocabulary, so that the words always sound like someone grabbed both ends and pulled slightly. It’s almost impossible to find a Southerner who speaks fast.
Hey, we Australians like to do some of that too… the stretching out of words… the speaking slower where its hotter. I can’t explain our love for shortening every noun or proper noun possible and ending with ‘o’ though. As in: “me n Davo are jus’ headin’ down to the bottle-o, d’ya wann ‘nything?”
You can find them in Atlanta, but give ’em a Coke and some peanuts, and it will take them all day to thank you 😉
Depends on where in the South. “Of co-was” sounds coastal, more “Junia League” to my ear, while “of cause” sounds more backwoods.
That’s more of a Boston accent..
5’2 and 130? so she could be a blimp…
… which would put her in flagrant violation of YSaC’s “no fat chicks” standard.
(Or, perhaps, its “no zeppelins” bylaw, which is more strictly enforced.)
YSaC has no such standard, as it would prohibit me from being here if I did.
I’m 5’3″ (on a good day), and X pounds, where 130 < X < blimp, thankyouverymuch. By the way, 130 pounds is a completely reasonable and healthy weight for a woman who is 5'2". Of the problems that this person has, kt, weight is not one of them.
Agreed. I think 130 is a perfectly acceptable weight for a woman of 5’2″- maybe not for the teenagers that I spend most of my time around (mostly because our metabolisms are way too high and we haven’t had the chance to gain the same weight that adults have), but doesn’t make a woman fat in my opinion. Of course, you shouldn’t listen to the sexual opinions/preferences of a teenage boy. That’s just SICK! What’s wrong with you people? 😛
kt, I want to take away points from you. I’m 5-nothing and 130 is my goal weight.
Bitch.
hear, hear.
Hardly a blimp, she is curvy, not bloated. (Did you not read her ad?) hmph.
In KT’s defense, he may also be a teenager like me and therefore hangs around females who’re about 5′ and haven’t had the same amount of time to gain the bit of weight adult women will grow into.
I applied for individual health insurance a few years back…I had to fill out a form online and somehow my height got changed from 5″1 to 1″1 but my weight stayed the same…85lbs. So I got a very confused call from the insurance company. Apparently they thought I was a bowling ball.
And people wonder why it is I spent a couple of years in the hospital for anorexia.
Thanks kt.
I know, right? I’m 5’2″ and more than 130 pounds, so I guess I’m a land whale.
Guys have no idea how much chicks are supposed to weigh or what various weights look like (perhaps in part because some women lie about their weight?).
Long, long ago, I used to have an online dating profile on which I did not put a picture. To compensate, I described my appearance as thoroughly as possible, including height and weight. I am 6′ tall and at the time I weighed 150lbs. I got dozens of guys informing me that I was fat.
The kicker is that most of these dickheads were thirty pounds heavier than me and four inches shorter. You’d think they would realize that if they were built slim-to-average, I could not possibly be obese. Alas, no.
Maybe their tendency to underestimate a woman’s weight is linked to a tendency to overestimate their own length…?
I think Urban Completion makes her sound a bit like a robot. Which would explain why she has to make believe she’s an actress.
Urban Completion sounds like a chain of clothing stores found in upscale malls.
Where everything has a “cute” name, like Asphalt jackets or Concrete sneakers.
I was thinking she was an aspiring city planner who had achieved Urban Completion
I’m not fond of curves in paved roads, especially ones that twist and turn across a marshland. If you lose control of your vehicle and end up in the swamp it becomes a nightmare of paperwork and insurance-begging. But curves in non-Causeway roads can be very exciting. I would have to agree that they are definitely “in.”
Also, I’m sure there’s some type of roll for an actress that is only 5 inches short. It would make the effect really easy in a remake of “The Incredible Shrinking Woman.”
I think the 2 beside the 5″ means she is five inches squared.
If she’s only 5″ square, I bet she’s pretty deep.
Either that, or she’s pretty dense.
Because 130 pounds is a lot to get into a 5″ x 5″ space.
Not if she’s made of depleted uranium.
And I think it goes without saying that she is probably VERY dense.
But maybe the 130 isn’t referring to pounds? She doesn’t really specify. Could be anything… ounces… IQ points… years…
I can’t believe I actually typed “roll” instead of “role” and it took me this long to notice. Rule number 1 of making fun of others on the internet is to spell correctly yourself.
I am now doing penance.
I worry about Mr Milne: that hollow, haunted gaze, full of frustration and depression.
I wonder if he is thinking, “Shall I forever be known only for these damnable children’s stories? Would that I could take a sharp, sharp knife and slash open Pooh’s belly, slice the head from that bloody Tigger, disembowel Eeyore, then rip out their stuffing and cram it into Christopher Robin’s whimpering throat until he chokes to death.”
Riight…
*nods and backs away slowly*
Because homicidal fury is what everyone looks for in a children’s author. I think it’s on the job application.
Teeerrrriiiffffic.
I like Milne, really.
i think e.e. cummings might be more appropriate.
..it’s spring
and the goat-footed
talentedActress whistles
far
and
wee
p.s. no responds….
Brava!
she was a short woman
and what i want to know is
how do you like your talented actress
Mister Agent
I love this, by the way.
If you say “off cause” out loud, it totally sounds like you’re saying “of course” in a ridiculously broad New Joisey accent. Maybe she’s just transcribing her own accent?
“..probably wasn’t burned out from fending off Adult Film Producers.”
should read:
“..probably wasn’t burned out from beating off Adult Film Producers.”
What would have been considered “adult” film back then? A peek of ankle, maybe even some knee action?
“Beating off”….? Would that make him a fluffer? I think that makes the line about Pooh Bear being “stuffed with fluff” take on a whole new (and highly disturbing) meaning.
Sometimes Pooh couldn’t hear properly because he had a bit of fluff in his ear. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
I have a difficult time believing “legitimate” agents search craigslist posts for new talent… and I think those adult film agents are going to be very offended that she called them illegitimate!
I would imagine they’ve been called worse.
At least their parents would take umbrage with that.
yeah, sure, I’m an agent, yeah, that’s the ticket….
Just a quick question: why does she need to know if the agent’s father was married to his mother, in order for her to make believe she is a talented actress?
This sounds more like a kinky scenario from the Personals section.
Haha – bastard agents.
Would be an awesome name for a band.
What does she mean by “print work”? Did she do typesetting, or does she have nice handwriting even if she can’t spell or write grammatically? It’s always good to have another employment skill for when the acting jobs are thin on the ground, but why is she discussing that in an ad that is clearly all about her mad acting skillz?
Also – I love that the person doesn’t have to believe, they can just make believe. Pretending is good enough for her.
I assumed “Print Work” was magazine ads or some such. Probably in Maxim or the like. Or maybe she’s a nude typesetter.
I don’t think 5’2, 130 gets you into Maxim. Chunky Bunky, maybe.
“Or maybe she’s a nude typesetter.”
THEY HAVE THOSE?!?!? Finally–a career that combines my love of the written word with my hatred of wearing pants! Sign me up!!!
Radio, dude. Go into radio.
You do write SOME things. And nobody ever knows for sure whether or not you put on pants that morning…
I’m supposed to wear pants?
of course not, you’re a llamanun
Tora on the other hand, has to wear pants as she goes to highschool
Agent from Craigslist: Of course I’ll represent you! I’ve been looking for someone just like you all over Craigslist! What luck you posted such a comprehensive ad! To get started, I just need five thousand dollars and for you to strip…
Talented Actress: But I Said No Adult Film Producers…
Agent from Craigslist: Nonsense, I just need to check those Off Cause Curves and Urban Completion. That way I can truly Make Believe In You.
How has no one commented the massive spell-check fail here? There are no misspelled words, just correctly spelled words in the wrong places.
“Urban Completion” – should be “complexion,” but “completion” is a real word, and only 1 letter different.
“No Responds” – should be “response,” again only 1 letter different, though this time moved.
This is what happens when people learn to speak a language and not to read. “Off Cause” is yet another example.
We should start digging pits, camouflaging them, and then posting written signs. Only those w/ a basic level of reading comprehension get to live.
Actually I think that’s what really happened. It looks a lot like she used her browser’s spell check to just pick whatever the first suggestion was, regardless if it made sense or not. It was likely nearly entirely in all caps and got corrected to proper case — “URBEN COMPLESION” to “Urban Completion”
If that’s the case it appears she’s adept at two-letter words and not much else.
Yet another inspired lead in from Pooh who of course created the Heffalump Trap in a very similar manner to the trap that @Addicted Reader describes. Also given everyone’s comments about this person’s size and shape perhaps she is an urban Heffalump?
Urban Heffalump would also be a great name for a band. I’d go see them open up for Bastard Agents.
Someone needs to compile a list of all the excellent band names folks have come up with on this site. Then start selling those cool names to college kids forming a different garage band every year.
Tora would buy, her bands name is “The yellow girraffes”
Tora thinks the name is bad
@ Addicted Reader:
I love your pits idea, though I fear what would happen. Texters would also create similar pits, and their accompanying short-hand signage wouldn’t be understood by dinosaurs such as me, leading to extirpation of proper-English advocates.
I’m 16, and want to hit people in the face when they talk or type in “txtspeak”.
GET ME OUT OF MY GENERATION! SOMEONE HIT ME WITH THE AGING BEAM!
“Extirpation”. *sigh*
I love you. Marry me?
Ah, but if you’re forewarned, you know to watch out for signs in text-speak. Even if you can’t read them, you could watch your step, and proper English would continue to have a fighting chance.
I Also Have A Resume AM Still Building UP.
She’s constipated?
Sadly, this person probably did get a good number of replies from “legitimate agents” (read: bastards) who are looking for idealistic young actors who have inflated opinions of their talent to take advantage of. Many probably said “I’ll represent you for a low fee of $100 up front,” complete with a largely falsified resume similar to her own. Hope she didn’t pay them.
i was on another website where someone regularly capitalised the Use of certain Random words… it Annoyed me until i thought “maybe they’re doing it on purpose?”
Mostly like a secret code Or iRrelevant infOrmation they wanted to coNvey
🙂
that would Seem to be the Reasonable aSsumption. helL Yeah.
Hell yeah! Of aLl of Your funny Cragslists Posts, this is toRas fAvorite!
Pardon me, this is very confusing code
*snort*
Just when I think I’ve lost hope in humanity altogether, I come here. And I am entertained so greatly that I know I have to just stick it out to enjoy the laughs. The comments on this were amazing…wow! 🙂
Welcome! Enjoy the buffet!
No, see, it’s an encoded message.
If you take every misspelled word, add all the numerical values together, then multiply by the reciprocal of the number of incorrectly capitalized words then assign them values on a base 8 system of the alphabet you get… gibberish.
Sunnofa gun, maybe you have to multiply by the location due to line breaks… hmm.
Back to the decryptor!
With regards to the title of the ad . . . let me just quote from the Hillbilly Hellcats’ song “I Hate Music” (summary of song: playing music for a living kind of, you know, sucks.)
The quote is halfway into the song and refers to the kinds of gigs that go nowhere: ” . . ‘At least it’s exposure!’ / –that’s what they say. / You can die of exposure / in less than a day.”
I can’t figure out exactly what is going on with Milne’s left hand there. Because there’s no way that’s actually his left hand in the crook of his right arm if you check the angle of his left arm…
He has one or both of his gloves cradled in the crook of his arm. Probably had them lying on his lap, and they got scooped up when he moved to pose for the photo.
Yes, but the question is why, because the overall effect is to make it look like that’s where his hand is…and his actual hand is kind of oddly buried… hrm…
…the really bad part is that my gut reaction to the photo of A. A. Milne was “Wow, I didn’t know he was kinda hot!”
I’m currently reading the ‘sequel’ to the Pooh books and revelling in random capitals and the wisdom of Owl e.g. the school motto FLOREAT which is of course Do not leave your hat on the floor.
However I cannot help but think that some of our friends on CL would not appreciate the irony of the following
SPESHUL INVITATION
WELCUM HOME
CRHISTOPHER ROBIN
AND WELCUM TO A
WELCUM HOME PRATY
DAY: TODAY
Did a male write that?