YSaC, Vol. 606: It’s the most remarkable word I’ve ever seen!
A lurning tool for your child – $12
You are buying a tool to lurn by. Call xxx-xxx-xxxx or e-mail me. I will mail to you. It’s ok to contact me about similar items.
You know, I’m glad to see this. Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children lurning? This proves that our children is lurning! Or, at least, they can if you buy them this tool to lurn by. Look, everyone, it lurns you cat math! 3+5 = 13!
I keep trying to read the letters on the bottom and make them into a word. I vote for “APQXRYSFN” as the band name of the day.
licenced child care provider has 2 opening’s
Hello, my name is [name] i am a licenced child care provider i have 2 child care spot’s available.
INFANT SPOT UNDER 2
TODDLER SPOT 2 AND OVER
I have been doing child care now for over 4 year’s i am liceneced thru the state and the Airforce i have a 4yr old daughter of my own and i have 3 other children enrolled.
I do have references available upon request i have a daily schedule i try to stick to i do have plenty of fun time in my schedule but i also have an hour a day set to “school” type learning we work on all kinds of thing’s sign language letter reconition spelling of there name’s and shapes color’s numbers etc i offer a fun clean loving enviroment and i do serve breakfast am snack lunch and afternoon snack we go outside almost daily weather permitting we do craft’s and baking activites etc there are plenty more things we do but to much to write if you are interested please shoot me an e-mail or feel free to call me personally @ xxx-xxx-xxxx Thank’s so much and have a great day!!!!
Just as long as she’s not teaching punctuation, capitalization, homonyms, and pluralization.
Here’s how you know I’m a gigantic geek (other than the myriad other ways you know I’m a gigantic geek if you read this blog on a regular basis): I spent way too long trying to decide what she thinks the rules for pluralization with an apostrophe are. For example, why do spot’s, opening’s, year’s, thing’s, name’s, color’s, craft’s, and thank’s get apostrophes to make them plural, while references, kinds, shapes, numbers, and the second occurrence of things not get subjected to her wanton use of apostrophes to create plurals? After careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE’S DOING. She’s been huffing the finger paints.
Thanks for the submissions, ochoco and backlitleo!
The “lurning” tool is lacking vowels…explains soooo much.
Except for that “A.”
“A” hasn’t been a vowel since the ’70s.
No wonder people have such trouble pronouncing my name.
“KEH-mee-lee”
“KEM-eel-ee”
“kah-MY-lee”
Wow, that is a tough’un.
I refuse to write out the HHNF pronunciation of your name.
I get ka-MILL-ee, ka-MILE, car-MEL, CA-mel. It’s mostly the damned telemarketers.
Just for the record, I am Not.a.Camel.
Where’s Vanna White when you need her?
She’s off selling yarn.
(Seriously, she has her own line of yarn. I’ve seen it.)
I’ve seen the yarn, but I didn’t realize it was named for THAT Vanna. Eek!
Fewer vowels means more points in Junior’s Scrabble hand! Start those Achievers young, and they’ll be maxing the Triple Word Score in no time.
I can’t wait for the CraigsList version of Scrabble to come out. I plan on using Cat Math to calculate my score.(I’m already up to elebenty-seven and three rutabagas)
Note to self: Do NOT engage in YSaC Scrabble with sarajean…
Aww, come on. I’ll spot you a radish and three Sno-cones.
What if we don’t like radishes? do you have other salad type alternatives?
We need to know what we’re getting into here, right CJ?
Right you are, develish1…and I just don’t see how we can possibly beat the rutabaga…I mean, c’mon…have you ever?
Don’t know about the rutabaga, but sarajean can squeeze blood out of a turnip. Don’t try cheating.
In the event of a radish mishap, you have your choice of cauliflower, hot fudge body paint, or one small Bacontini.
(P.S. I think “Radish Mishap” would make a great band name.)
I suppose I can accept cauliflower as an alternative option, no cheese though, I prefer to add my own thanks.
I think I would need several bacontinis before being interested in the hot fudge body paint.
The trick is tempature control. Nothing ruins “business time” like a trip to the burn ward.
Amen sister.
Sno-cones?! Count me in! Do I get a whole sno-cone if I only play half a game? Is the cone always whole?
Daycare Ad + “Lurning” Tool = Head.Desk.
Heh.
“Mommy, I made this card for you at daycare!”
“Oh, how nice!”
DEER MOM, YOUR THE BEST MOM IN THE HOLE WURLD. LOVE, YOU’RE DOTTER.
“Oh, did you make that yourself?”
“No, the teacher helped me. She corrected my spelling.”
I think these posts actually explain the current state of the teenage and sub-teenage gramatical world. I mean seriously, those Hannah Montana forums are horrible. You go there to seriously discuss the recent news about… uh….
Err, I mean my wife tells me that the grammar over there is atrocious and that she’s worried about the next generation.
Keep her away from my kids!!! I worked very hard on their “spilling” — she’d just mess it all up.
Don’t get me started on how I believe that texting is warping kids’ spelling and grammar today. This list pains me. Somewhat off-topic, but I’m grumpy because we’ve had 5 inches of rain here in Boston. Or … “GMAB 5in H2O in C-T”
IITYWIMWYBMAD
The fact that there is a blinkin’ acronym for the American Association Against Acronym Abuse makes me so very, very sad.
It’s even more sad that the acronym for AAAAA was shortened to 5A because it was felt to be too long.
Err:
its evn sadr that teh acrnym 4 5A was short’d 2 5 ‘cas it was felt 2 b 2 long.
There I saved a whole 20 characters without sacrificing the integrity of my sentence.
Yeah, you sure didn’t sacrifice the integrity…of your sentence.
Is your integrity a minty DA chassis, per chance?
How often could one possibly need an acronym for some of these things?
Granted, I’m not sure I could make it through my day if I had to type out “Brazil, Russia, India, China” every time I wanted to text that to a friend.
I think “lurning” might be a typo. I think it was supposed to be “Luring.”
Now, some say it’s bad parenting to develop luring tools in order to increase the effectiveness of the traps you set for your children, but I say that those “some” are living in the past. My pit traps have never been more effective now that I own a full line of luring tools. Not only is it fun for the parents, but the children lurn… learn valuable life lessons.
When I figure out what those lessons are, you people will be the furst… first to know.
Lesson #1: Palm fronds may conceal a painful fall.
Lesson #2: Games provide attractive bait. Especially shiny ones.
Lesson #3 – Pets and younger siblings make excellent mine-sweepers.
Lesson #4: If you help Papa Tacow sharpen a stake, you’re probably only going to wind up stuck on it later at the bottom of a pit. (This lesson applies especially to Burmese Lions.)
Lesson #5 – You are never too young to learn, or need, first aid.
Burmese what?
*snort*
Hey..there’s this place called Craigslist….
With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
Keep your fronds close, and your anemones within firing range.
Mini-Taco will have so many fun stories to tell their therapist.
My pit trap caught a skunk and then a very irritable dad. Too bad I didn’t realize the skunk was in there before Dad came home. There was a lot of growling, unearthly screeching, stench and biting. Getting the skunk out was the easy part. Poor thing.
Poor traumatized skunk. Did it go completely white or did it have black stripes?
It’s coloring was fine, but I think it went deaf from my dad’s girlie-screeches. I kept asking it if it was okay, but it just kept shaking.
Of course, I’d punctuate this differently, but the real question here, I think, has to be Is our children learning cannibalism?
How long does this person think she’ll last, giving of herself so generously?
Soylent Green is made from people!
Um, SPOILER ALERT??
Meredith’s work computer didn’t let her see the ending!
Crap, hold on I think I can fix this:
Soylent Green might be made from people!
There, that one doesn’t spoil the ending.
That’s my mom who placed the ad! She has the checkers curriculum: “There! I ate your piece!”
The ad doesn’t specify solid food, it could be she’s a natural lactator.
*(shudder)*
eeewww, thanks for the mental image sarajean.
Who’s got the mind bleach?
*passes over simmering saucepan of bleach*
Here ya go, dev dear. I made it extra strong.
“Bring me your tired, your poor, your hungry…”
Well, if chichi restaurants down in the Village can offer cheese made from the owner’s wife’s breast milk,* can your local economizing daycare provider be far behind?
*No, not making this up, not for a second. Wish I were, except I’d worry about the stuff my brain was coming up with.
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/03/09/us/AP-US-ODD-Breast-Milk-Cheese.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=breast%20milk%20cheese&st=cse
*Passes pan of boiling bleach to Dev.*
Not too long ago, there was an entire uprising of people wanting Ben and Jerry’s to make their ice-cream with human breast milk. That put me off ice-cream for awhile.
Ugh. I’m having second thoughts about the Phish Food I bought this weekend.
and I was sooo looking forward to the tub of Hagen Daz I’ve got for later….
Thank heavens for Soy peanut butter zig zag!
Unless of course, the soy milk came from a lactating tofu beast.
ICK! ICK! ICK! ICK! ICK!
*dives into the vat of bleach*
ICK!
HHNF: having lactated, I actually think breast milk would make excellent ice cream, although I’m not sure anyone over 2 would want to eat it.
Also, to everyone grossed out by the thought of breast milk ice cream: your ice cream is made of out a secretion squirted out of a cow’s udder. How is that any better?
Jackie, I, too have breastfed *TMI alert* and yes, it’s good. HOWEVER, this is the defining point of my argument:
we have all been preached to about the fact that what you put into your body comes out through your breastmilk as well. Cows eat almost exclusively grass and hay. I cannot bring myself to think of drinking breast milk from some women just based on the things they put into their mouths on a regular basis. I would rather have recycled grass than recylced cigarattes, McDonalds, friend food, alcohol, cheetos, etc. See my point now?
I wish there were negative points. Reading Lola’s post made my brain shudder a little.
Good point HHNF. Although as a child I had a weird aversion to milk because I was worried that the cows might not have chewed the grass well enough before they turned it into milk, and I would find a piece of grass in the milk. I worried about weird things as a kid.
My other thought is that tunafish as well as red snapper is on the menu.
NO NO HARTSTER NOT FOR THE KIDS. NOT FOR THE KIDS!
Yep; another ‘satisfied’ user of the Punctuation Shotgun!. Thats’ right; the “World Famous” (Punctuation) Shotgun!. Perfect for all occasion’s, such as birthday’s, bar mitzvah’s, and Secretary’s “Day”! Show you’re “loved” one’s how much you “care” with the Puctuation Shotgun!. Act now and I will include the Speeling “Correction” feature at no additional cost!. Just pay additional shipping & handleing.?
Remember, The Punctuation Shotgun!; Perfect for every “occasion”. I’m not only the (“Inventor”), I:m also a “user!”.
( That hurt. I need a nap and a drink.)
That; punctuation gun! sure, changes “the” ¿meaning? of “‘Beer and a Shot”’!?.
My eyes! MY EYES!!
Why do I get the feeling that the lady that needed a roof a couple days back was your first customer/endorsement?
One of (MY) best “CUSTOMERS”!, actually. How; did you {know}?
I so wish I could share with you a post at one of the forums I help to moderate. I’ve never seen so many “words” emphasised or CAPITALISED in my life, apart from in here of course.
Try reading some James Patterson dreck. (shudder) Writing by a functional illiterate for the masses who call a novel a ‘chapter book’.
wait wait wait…..
She is licensed by…the Airforce?
I’m not sure how it works in the USA, but…..I can’t see any logical connection between childcare and … well the Airforce……
EXCEPT:
-“Oh look! A shiny plane! Come on, George, say ‘plane!'”
-“APQXRYSFN”
-“Good boy!”
If she’s providing child care on an Air Force base to children of Air Force personnel, or if she’s near a base and provides care that may be reimbursable by some Air Force program, being Air Force approved is probably important to her customers. (The parents, not the kids.)
Sorry, am I being too logical today?
Corey? Is that you?
OK, I think you’ve got a point there.
(But one might think she could at least mention that in the text, so that even I can see what’s going on there.)
Not only does Camille have a point (+1), she has a Corey Cred as well.
I am absolutely terrified that anyone even breathing the same air as this woman and letting her ‘care’ for their offspring would be flying or working on airplanes loaded with weapons of mass destruction.
I see what you did there, drmk!
Are you saying this is the pilot program for Every Child Left Behind?
I’m thinking more like Not Such a Head Start program.
To everything lurn, lurn, lurn
This Craigslist ad spurn, spurn, spurn
Don’t trust your child to this poster.
Since Graham and HHNF haven’t shown up yet, I’ll say it:
Heh heh heh huh huh. “Openings.” Heh heh.
Dammit. I was going to say that she’s missing at least one, but two out of three ain’t bad, especially if she’s still lurning.
Yes, but I’m curious as to the cause of her diminished number of openings.
The possibilities are frightening…
Perhaps she had an accident with a mechanical rice picker and there were no American missionaries/former plastic surgeons around.
Explains the hat.
Given the rest of our “liceneced” persons evinced skills, the inability to self-identify more than two “openings” might almost be QED. And that before quibbling over fossae, foramenae, and oraficae (egads, that sounds like an engineering firm).
Lice-necked? Beggars imagination, yes?
Liken-ess-ed? Sketch artist or wants more “S” shapes?
Licene-ced? Well, we had pseudo-Czech the other day; pseudo-Serbian today? (Any know if “ced” scans in Serbo-Croat?)
Maybe she’s a licensed lice eliminator (say that ten times fast)
I am the very model of a licensed lice elim’nator;
I’ll pluck the nits from scalp or pits; from centaur, nymph or sa-atyr;
No cooties ever slip my grip, from Nome to the Equa-ator;
In Wonderland, I met Alice, and by mistake I a-ate her!
Sadly, I can’t snark bout this after spending the day with my husband’s godchildren who informed me that they don’t have books at their school. Add to that the pending changes the Texas Board of Education is likely to pass. I had always thought that each successive generation is supposed to be smarter than the last. Humanity is indeed doomed.
As someone who just spent the weekend grading 120 or so papers from alleged college students, I have to agree.
Alleged?
—Who made those allegations? says Alf.
—I, says Joe, I’m the alligator.
(My favorite joke in Ulysses.)
Jeez, it’s been forever and a half since I read Ulysses.
*digs through the Guttenburg archives for an e-copy*
Wow, they actually had it!
There are jokes in “Ulysses”? Are we talking James Joyce here, or the Greek one?
In Greek, he’s called Odysseus. I’m talking about the Joyce novel, and you bet there are jokes in it. It’s a rollicking good time.
And people want to know why we homeschool.
Yeah, I heard about the Texas thing. This of course comes in the wake of Fox News whining that liberals are indoctrinating the youth against republicans in an effort to destroy America. Something that the CNN marionettes were whining about from the other direction during the Bush administration if memory serves.
Let’s all be realistic here: Any government agency whining about attempts at indoctrination by their opposition is doing so out of jealousy, not concern for their country or the citizens thereof.
Taco is feeling particularly cynical today.
Why do I keep getting “Cougar Life” ads? I find that disturbing…on so many levels.
I am alternately getting the cougar ads and ads for children’s clothing. I’m not sure I want to know how those would go together.
I’m getting these too. The stranger part is that said “cougar” is obviously younger than the dude she’s straddling.
Maybe there’s a younger guy trapped behind the action.
Well, to be a MILF, you have to be a mom, so I guess the children’s clothing ads make some kind of sense, in a cat math way.
drmk – I have to both thank you for the title, and un-thank you for the title, because that will be stuck in my head all day.
dan – I commiserate on the grading (but at least I only have 45 “alleged college students”); there must be something in the water that prevents the alleged college students and other adults from learning how to use apostrophes. No matter how much I jump around and flail about and explain apostrophe use to them, they still turn in “essay’s” with remarkable punctuation nonsense.
Maybe I just need to integrate that lurning tool into the English 101 curriculum…. 3+5=13…. sounds about right for AZ standards….
For Alabama standards the equation is:
3+5 = War of Northern Aggression.
there are plenty more things we do but to much to write
Is this anything like “too many to list?”
Btw, I nearly passed out trying to read this thing in one breath! I wish they would have at least “BORROWED” some air quotes from “TEENA” the “ROOF OVER HEAD” girl. Can I get some “OXYGEN”..?
I vote for “APQXRYSFN” as the band name of the day.
Which would be slick for controlling who gets backstage, they’d have to know the correct pronunciation for access.
Tho- I am afear-ed of what the crowd chants would be like.
Maybe Radish Mishap could open for Lürning Tüul at the 40 Watt
It’s clearly pronounced “APP-kicks-RISS-finn.”
What, not one “It’s pronounced ‘Throat-wobbler-mangrove’ “?
Must be Scandinavian.
And if you pronounce it backward, you’ll send yourself back to the 5th Dimension…
…or summon a magical wish-granting elf.
Or a demonic hellspawn that will flay the skin from your bones.
Depends on your pronounciation.
What’s poor, old, Kenny R done to deserve that
I finally figured out what is going on with the letters at the bottom of the machine. They’re set up so you can spell out the alphabet. Each of the seven blocks has four sides, so I’m not sure what’s in the last two positions, but my theory is that if you rotate all the blocks the right way, you can spell out the first seven letters of the alphabet. Presumably a single turn in the same direction gets you the letters H-N, and so forth.
All of the letters seem to be in the right place for that. And I’m only a couple of days late with my cryptology. Or is that cryptography?
I think I sneezed once and made that noise.
“APQXRYSFN”
It’s my personalized license plate. It means “A Picky X-Ray Is Fun.”
Duh.
A Piqued Xerxes Fan?
They never really got over the sinking of the fleet at Salamis.
Been a sore subject of sub warfare ever since. Or hoagie I’m told, genoa speaking
It’s a message from the seller: All Parents Quit eXamining Reasons Your Son Failed Nursery(school)
And what, Bianchi, makes a finicky radiologist such a barrel of laughs?
He knows what hits your funny bone?
Ugh, not funny.
YOu know who’s funny? Anesthesiologists.They’re a gas!
My proctologist is a funny guy too. He always makes me laugh my ass off.
I know what you mean, the last time I went to my gynecologist he tickled me pink 😉
Sarajean FTW.
My osteopath is always humorous…
You’re right Isaac, I can’t come back against a genital reference.
I have met the enemy, and I am hers.
I’m not even going to attempt this, sarajean has a total win with that “tickled” one.
I’m going to guess that since she mentions Air Force that she is on or near an Air Force base. I was an Air Force brat. I attended regular public school, schools on bases, public school heavily populated with Air Force kids and, finally, a DoDDs high school when we were stationed in Europe. If her daycare kids will be eventually attending a DoDDs type school, they’ll be just fine.
As long as it’s not McChord or Fairchild
I second that.
Psssh. I’m currently in a search for home based daycare in my area and I see this type of ad all the time. Add that to the fact that I’m a middle school reading specialist, and I know exactly where our future is headed.
I blame Methamphetamine.
In my unfortunate experience, people whose brains are over-clocked produce this stream-of-semiconciousness drivel, which, I am certain to their addled brain is Meville-esque prose that needs no retouching.
Should you have the audacity to point out their error, they will be suddenly struck with “German Sheparditis” (that look that the dog gets — head cocked sideways, puzzled expression on face — when you ask it why it just ate your new shoes). In their world, they are just fine; it will be you that has a problem.
Imagine that horrible driver who camps in the center lane doing 5mph less than everyone else, who never signals, and who moves to the center lane in one smooth motion from the on-ramp – in their world, half the drivers on the road are belligerent meanies who flash their gestures, lights, and fists constantly. It is useless to rage at them, they will just cock their head to one side and look at you quizzically.
Unless, of course they are on meth, in which case they will never STFU.
I love cat math.
Windrose: Jay needs punchety for yesterday. Just a note.
One Jay-Shaped Punchity-Punch on its way! 8) (Thanks, Lola!)
No problem. Just thought I’d put the reference in in case you didn’t get here until it changed.
Overindulged entirely too much yesterday on top of being sick, and that seemed about the only way to contribute … think I lost my snark in an empty bottle somewhere … too many about to figure out which. 8)
When I first glanced at the title for this ad, I thought it said, “A turning tool for your child” and I thought the title for the post said, “It’s the most remarkable world I’ve ever seen!”
So I thought somehow that this was going to be about a Disney wood carving set for toddlers.
It’s been a long day.
When I first glanced at your comment, I thought it said, “A Turing tool for your child,” and I thought you were imagining that the toy would help a young robot study for the big test. No Automaton Left Behind!
I’ve met too many toolish youth of late, many of whom would be hard pressed to pass a Turing test.
For a while, I had a notion of campaigning to have a Turing test added to the driver’s license test, but, all that would do would be to let loose herds of under-sentient pedestrians wander about to no good end.
I just lurv the first ad. Lurv it to deaf!
PS Wish the server would catch up with Daylight Saving Time, so that I can snark in a post before heading off to work in the dark. 8/
I think “APQXRYSFN” is what they gave me when I left the hospital. Stopped the heaving, but made me really tired. An ideal child care tool.
I just wanted to thank all the snarky commenters in here. I just ran home from the creepiest late-night walking alone encounter ever, got online, and YSACed (is that a word? it should be) until the icky feelings went away. This is my favorite community online, even if I’m too chicken to join the discussions.
YSAC: spreading laughs, nose snorts, and anti-ick for over 600 volumes!
You’re always welcome here, and I hope we can always make you laugh. Please chime in any time, too!
Ditto Lola.
Also, “I just ran home from the creepiest late-night walking alone encounter ever” could make for a fascinating Forum topic, if it want’s sharing less publicly.
The first lady is from my area. You could fill your website with JUST her postings and it would still be hilarious. Every now and then I search her phone number and HUNDREDS of posts come up, they all say that “you are buying a…. It is OK to contact me about similar items” LOL
HOW IS BABBY TEACHD? HOW TOY SMART BABBY?
i like body paints because it could be used to portray art using your own body*:~