YSaC, Vol. 314: Her name is Rio, and she needs to have huge cans …
2009 May 27
Cover Band Seeks Hot Female Keyboardist w/ Giant Cans!!
Yup…you read correctly. We are a killer 80’s cover band and if you think you fit…that would be sweet!
So, maybe I’m crazy, but given that a lot of music from the 80s was primarily synth-based, wouldn’t you be more concerned with whether your keyboard player was competent instead of hot and stacked?
I mean, the talentless girlfriend has her place in the band, but it’s usually playing tambourine and singing tuneless background vocals into a dead microphone.
Thanks to Lisa for sending this in!
Perhaps they want someone like the chicks in the Robert Palmer videos. Just sway (your giant cans) and PRETEND like you’re playing the keyboard.
I just happen to BE a female keyboardist/vocalist with not “giant” but pretty nice sized “CANS”. Unfortunately–I’m already in a band and had my band advertised like this-I can guarantee you I wouldn’t have auditioned! I’m sure my “cans” add something great to the band but I’d like to think it’s my musical talent that’s really important 🙂 Sadly, I’m not at all surprised by this type of ad though–it’s all about image-or so my agent says. 🙂
As soon as I saw 80s cover band I stopped reading…
This is expecting too much: a keyboard player who can also play large cans. Are they adding a STOMP piece to their repertoire?
“keyboard player who can also play large cans”
I’m now cleaning snorted club soda off of the computer screen, thank you!
Well, yeah, but I mean… madeyalook, didn’t they?
hmm i have some tomato sauce cans from Sams Club!
hey it worked for them when they advertised ‘bass player with huge package’ last year
one of my favourite bands has a hot lady keyboardist, and they have an eighties-ish sound…
this sounds like something the lead singer would post, or would have posted looking for her.
And that ladies and gentlemen is why I am embarrassed to have grown up in the 80s.
It’s the eighties! Do a lot of coke, and vote for Ronald Reagan!
What’s really sad about this: “cans” is slang for the female ass, not the mammary region. They want a female keyboardist with a huge butt.
I like big cans and I cannot lie…
Oops, wrong decade.
Try a reggae jamaican tune, man.
A commenter:
“Can” is slang for butt, “cans”, plural is slang for a woman’s chest.
Do the giant cans need to contain anything? I have two empty economy sized Van Camp’s pork ‘n beans cans. They’re big enough for a grown man to stick his head inside.
So, kelli, how long have you been sticking giant, empty cans over men’s heads? Interesting hobby, by the way.
Actually Windy, I am referring to the infamous Second City funeral skit.
D’oh! I need to brush up on my Canadian comedy!
Actually Chicago comedy, Second City Improv is kind of a big thing. *cough* Belushi *cough*
30 Helens agree…
Sigh. Why did I think they were a Canadian creation? I’ll just go read Wikipedia for a while.
I’ve got some giant 7-pound green bean cans; maybe you and I should start a steel drum band, Kelli.
Beans, beans the musical fruit…
I give my dog half green beans/half kibble for his supper. They’re low in calories and full of fiber so they keep his hounddoggy shape in shape. But oh my, yes Hammy, they produce some melodious doogy toots, and if I decide to serve haricot verts with dinner I get accused of serving dogbeans (all one word.)
We feed our dogs green beans too. (Frozen, they love them)
Warning, do NOT feed your dog Brussels sprouts!
Listen up, Buster Poindexter. Who do you think is going to apply for this Motley Crüe? You need to be careful that some Twisted Sister or Violent Femmes aren’t waiting to rip your Lipps, Inc off your face due to your ill-advised Talk, Talk
Now, I’m sure you’re Ready for the World but I highly suggest that you KISS my Depeche Mode or I’ll be standing in line to put you in Dire Straitswith my big STYX! That’ll be a Cure you won’t soon forget. You’ve got ‘Til Tuesday to rewrite this ad. Remember, women with The Hooters are not a Cheap Trick!!
Awesome, I’m in!
Now all I need is big hair…
Wear a puppy on your head. 8)
You can hold the puppy in place with a glittery hairband.
Be careful; A Flock of Seagulls may be attracted to the glitter.
And if it becomes unmanageable, I suggest Haircut One Hundred. It may be enough for the bouncer to finally let you into the Culture Club
You’re gonna need a lot of hairspray.
*contacts broker to buy stocks of Aquanet*
I LOVED Haircut One Hundred!
*wanders off happily humming Love Plus One to herself *
[matt] I think you guys are reading this all wrong – the operative word is “killer”. This is obviously an ’80s cover band/ serial killer society that is looking to recruit a new member who has big garbage cans, which would come in handy when disposing of bodies. Best not to ask what happened to the old keyboardist.[/matt]
She refused their offer.
Missed Connections: I auditioned for your keyboardist opening in your 80’s band. You were the drummer with the David Bowie in Labyrinth hair. I could tell by the way you were fondling your sticks that you were impressed with my giant cans. I didn’t get the job, but I would like to hook up. Call me!
Cans, magic cans…
Is the magic of the cans proportionate to the size of the cans? If so, I might finally fulfill the requirements to be a king in Xanth.
Thanks, drmk. Just because Barry Manilow is a valid form of torture under the Geneva Convention…..I mean, thanks. 8)
1. I’m getting a Duran Duran earworm. Is that any better?
2. The other day I had a crazy mix of “Copacabana” and “Star Wars Cantina” in my head. Fun times.
I keep hearing, “her name is Rio and she dances in the can” which is nearly identical yet has a completely different meaning than the original song and I keep wondering if Rio has an exceptionally large bathroom, makes only small dance moves, or is constantly hitting the shower, sink, mirror, tub, and / or toilet and now I realize I spent more time analyzing this than I did analyzing the video portion of my French final which I did pass despite freaking out on the writing part.
Okay… I get it now… drmk was referencing Duran Duran… but I was hearing Copacabana. That saying about dancing to your own beat?
I does it.
Also, I was in the box, yay!
Well deserved too… guess that happens when you get a chance to rest and recoup your snark. 🙂
kelli, I am so glad you noticed you were in the box. 8) Happy Punchity Punch Punch.
G’Night, Urban Cowboys!