YSaC, Vol. 267: ‘Monogamous Gerbils’ would be a terrible name for a band.
There’s two entries today, Vol. 266 and 267, so be sure to scroll down. (This was an accident, but I’m going to leave it that way and pretend I meant to do that. You may fawn obsequiously in the comments.)
All it takes is one… – w4m – 26
“Nice girl with a big heart looking for a sweat guy. I like bathes and showers as well. Most people only like one if that!!! I like to keep my options open. Tired of being pushed around and mistreeted. Iwant someone who respects me for who I am and knows how to treat a cute girl. Being able to listen to lots of opinions I might have when I’m drunk is always a plus. So is knowing how to handle a gerbil. I have 7 and they are like my kids, I luv them, alot!!! N*E*WAYZ I will go now if you want to know more just ask, I’m an open book. i prefer at least 6 inchers. I can deal with less but it’s not near as fun. no small weiners! lol “
Why is this in quotes? Is it a transcription? Was she dictating this to someone?
It’s a good thing she likes baths and showers if she’s going to be looking for a sweat guy.
I’m still trying to figure out the “N*E*WAYZ I will go now” bit. I mean, I know what it means, but why would someone write that in a personal ad? It sounds like something a third grader would write in a letter to a penpal. “Dear Jimmy, How is your summer? My summer is fun. I went to camp and then went bowling. N*E*WAYZ I have to go now, it’s time for dinner. Johnny”
And I’m hoping I’m not the only one who (at first) thought that ‘6 inchers’ referred back to the gerbils.
As a special Friday bonus, here’s a series of ads sent in by Tonya. I’m leaving the dates intact on this series for a reason…
Hey…looking for someone that’s into monogamy. – 28
Date: 2009-03-20, 7:35AM CDT
A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows. Hey…looking for someone that’s into monogamy. I love getting lost in a good book. In the recent past I have read such books as Christine, Stephen King & 2010: Odyssey Two, Arthur C. Clarke.. Are you interested? If so, contact me with your information.
Ad #2:
Friends of mine tell me I’m monogamous – 26
Date: 2009-03-21, 7:41AM CDT
I am 5 feet 2 inches with luxurious platinum blonde hair and a curvy body. Love to read all kinds of books in my free time. My favorite books are Lady Boss, Jackie Collins and The Regulators, Richard Bachman. Others have told me I am monogamous. I hate it When you open the DVD case and it is empty or a different movie is in it. Today’s the day! Send me an Email and let’s get to know each other.
Ad #3:
Friends say I am monogamous – 19
Date: 2009-03-23, 7:39AM CDT
I have learned to use the word impossible with the greatest caution. I’m monogamous. I dislike how opening any cheap electronic item these days requires cutting up your finger with cheap impossible to open plastic molding covering. I am 5 feet 3 inches with soft platinum blonde hair and a curvy body. Ok…I am a huge movie buff.
Does anyone else get the feeling that she doesn’t actually know what the word monogamous means? I think she was complaining about her relationships to a more intelligent co-worker, and the following conversation took place:
Her: “I’m just sick of JimBob cheating on me, you know?”
CW: “Well, you’re monogamous.”
Her: “What did you call me? I don’t have any diseases anymore, after those antibiotics.”
CW: “No, monogamous. You’re monogamous, and you need to find someone else who is monogamous, too.”
Her: “Right! I’ll post an ad on Craigslist. H-E-double hockey sticks, I’ll post a series of ads on Craigslist, in which I get younger in each ad and grow an inch in height. I’ll be sure to find me someone monogamous then.”
She’s not too cautious about using the word impossible when she’s complaining about “impossible to open plastic molding covering”.
Winner…I’m looking for a sweat guy to!
Hope I’m not shattering anyone’s illusions by pointing out that the thee ads written by “Tonya” (how do we know that’s one “person”? and how do we know that’s “her” name?) are all written by a ‘bot. A ‘bot that seems to like the word monogamous… Maybe ‘bots are learning to make repeater ads now, but someone forgot to keep the age the same from day to day.
She can’t be a bot — she doesn’t have FEMALETRAITS2!
edgar,
Tonya didn’t write the ads, she submitted them to YSaC…
I am the Tonya who sent in the ad, and I assure you I didn’t write it because, sadly, none of my friends give a crap about my monogamy. I wish they would though because apparently that is the key to eternal youth.
She grew an inch between 2 and 3!
I like to think that in between posting those two ads, she re-measured herself. Her friends tell her that she’s monogamous, maybe they’re telling her to stop slouching as well.
I thought “sweat” was a typo, but then she immediately mentioned “bathes and showers,” so maybe not.
And then she says something about “mistreeted.” Address problems?
I see that Monogamy Girl has the dreaded Reverse Aging Syndrome. I hope there won’t be any more ads – she must be below the age of consent by now.
These are fantastic.
I especially like the “friends tell me I’m monogamous” party(that line certainly goes with your theory..) – because wouldn’t she know that herself?! It’s not like “friends tell me I’m a nice person” or something. The only way this makes sense is that had a friend around her 24/7 who finally say “You know what, Sheila? I’ve notice you never sleep with anyone but Bob. I’m pretty certain you’re monogamous!” Sheila was still uncertain, so, for liability reasons she decided to say it was her friend’s assessment, rather than her own.
Sorry – I pressed “submit” before proof reading. Here’s what I meant to write:
These are fantastic.
I especially like the “friends tell me I’m monogamous” part (that line certainly goes with your theory..) – because wouldn’t she know that herself?!
It’s not like “friends tell me I’m a nice person” or something. The only way this makes sense is this gal had a friend around her 24/7 who finally exclaimed “You know what, Sheila? I’ve noticed you never sleep with anyone but Bob. I’m pretty sure you’re monogamous!”
Sheila was still uncertain, so, for liability reasons she decided to say it was her friend’s assessment, rather than her own.
In all fairness, those plastic boxes ARE impossible to open.
i’d really like to know why a woman has 7 gerbils and why she needs a man to “handle” them…wonder what THEY’LL be doin
lol are all the books she’s read based on crappy movies?
Er, no, in at least three of the four cases (not sure about the Collins) the books came first.
i love the fact that she gets younger with each ad. as if that was the reason no one was responding.
I have a feeling she is confusing “monogamy” with “monotony”. oh lord…..
Lady Boss actually kicks ass!
Oh, neat! YSaC, now with antioxidants!
hahaha no small weiners! hey, smallest weiner I ever saw, was attached to a man with a WHOLE LOT of stamina…just sayin…
N*E*WAYZ means “anyways”. You know, as in “EN-EE-WEIZ”
Missed the part where I said, “I mean, I know what it means …”, did we?