YSaC, Vol. 1748: Bricks are Heavy
free crap!!
Moving and have plenty of stuff we no longer need.
Kitchen table….made of lovely wood like substance…has stains and scratches
Eight toaster ovens
Three foot tall green glass duck, head is broken off, currently has a smaller wooden duck mounted in its place
Old potting soil
Broken Microwave oven (Kenmore brand, very good quality, lasted many years before it died)
Large pile of old clothes.
Canned Goods…most expired.
Diapers
First aid kit
At home std test kits (at least a dozen)
Bricks
Front seat from a honda (large cigarette burn)too many more items to list
All items are in the middle of ### road, near ###. Im sure they wont last long
OK folks – today’s homework assignment is to design a Rube Goldberg machine using all of these items. It should accomplish a very simple task in a needlessly complex way. But please hurry – either the potting soil or the duck is starting to smell funny.
Thanks for the post, Matty!
[Reads list; considers assignment; falls over]
On the twelfth day of Craigsmas, ol’ Sparky gave to me
Twelve home clap test kits,
Eleven vintage canned goods,
Ten pre-owned diapers,
Nine piles of old clothes,
Eight toaster ovens,
Seven pints of plant soil,
Six broken ovens,
Five loose-stacked bricks,
Four wood-like substances,
Three smashed ducks,
Two first-aid kits,
And a front seat from a Honda.
Sparky has bricks
and she’s falling slowly
drowning in toaster ovens
old potting soil and dirty diapers
Sparky has std kits
and she’s falling slowly
drowning in old clothes
botulism and tons of Crap
The first aid kit
couldn’t save her from the clap
Why would you have more than a dozen STD tests? I don’t even care what else is on the list, I’m not going near anything this sparky has touched.
I’m pretty sure that Honda front seat bears some culpability.
I’ve heard that if you lightly crisp the affected part in a series of 8 toaster ovens, it will clear it right up.
No, wait, I haven’t actually heard that. It must have been a dream.
I’m mildly concerned that Sparks did not mention if the diapers had been used considering the title of his post.
So Sparky’s plan is obviously to get some “pre-loved” car parts with this refuse since it’s “in the middle of #### road”.
His/her theme somg is: Why don’t we do it in the road?
Why does anyone have 8 toaster ovens? Did they go on a bank account opening spree in the 70’s?
He just kept getting married.
And hopefully divorced in between….
Wait, was this in Utah?
(I can safely make that comment knowing Eclectic Mama isn’t around these days)
I picture them stacked, like defunct tv’s, in a precarious fashion.
Every morning, like clockwork…
You got yer
Free crap in the middle of the road
Free crap in the middle of the road
You got yer free crap in the middle of the road
Stinkin’ to high Heaven!
Yeah you got yer old pot and you got yer diapers and clothes
On a moonlight night you got yer kitchen disposed
Got yer med kits and yer broken bricks
The table and the seat just need a minor fix!
Free crap in the middle of the road
Free crap in the middle of the road
You got yer free crap in the middle of the road
Stinkin’ to high Heaven!
That’s the problem with ducks — too much crap. Whya no chicken?
I am praising Clothespin Jebus that there were no photos of this ‘free crap’.
Also wondering how long before the highway police come to find out who dumped on the road.
Place table on short edge, so it stands up tall. Place the toaster ovens in stacks of four, then three, then two, then one. Lay the bricks four across the long way with an std test kit in between the two middle ones and the outside ones, creating as alley. Lay the microwave on its back. Rip the door off the microwave and put the potting soil in it. Lay the Honda seat flat on the toaster ovens, with the old clothes stuck in under it for to make it stable. Arrange canned goods from oldest to newest down the edges of the bricks, just outside the std kits. Put the diapers on the duck’s butt, and roll that sucker down the seat. The goal is to have the neck of the duck land in the potting soil, leaving a hole where you can plant the first aid kit. Ta-Da!
I like a (wo-) man with a plan!!!
You just described last year’s Beesmas yard decorations.
Well, minus the llama-fur trim on the duck.
I knew I was forgetting something! Now, where would I find llama-fur in the Snark Lounge?
Surely we can do something with all these empty beveraging bottles?
Wind chimes created with a knot of electronics cords?
Guess my ex didn’t like his half of the property settlement. Ingrate.
So, this listing delivers on its promise of free “crap,” but I have some questions about the duck.
“Three foot tall green glass duck, head is broken off, currently has a smaller wooden duck mounted in its place”
– Was the green glass duck three feet tall before its head was broken off? Or is it three feet tall at the neck? Potential buyers need to know.
– There is a smaller wooden duck, mounted in place of the green glass duck’s missing head? So this is a duck with a duck for a head?
– What happened to the original green glass duck head? Was it smashed to bits when it broke off? Was it fashioned into an elegant cane?
Given that these ads are written by sparkii, a cohort of senselessly wasting oxygen by oxidizing carbon, a group which spells “armoire” as “armwar,” “ottoman” as “audoman” and the like, the possible things that a “duck” might be “in real life” as it were are beyond imagining.
My considered guess is that this is/was a framed item with a glass etching of a duck upon it, now replaced with some wooden simulacrum, and not a piece of statuary.
However, given that this list reads like the accumulation of a kleptomaniacal hoarder with both ADD and OCD, again, anything is possible.
(In fact, the only assertion that can be positively affirmed is that this Duck is not Fury’s daughter [I’m not getting turned into a newt again].)
You forgot your [corey] tags, cap’n.
How much for just the fractal duck?
Fractal Duck is my Yardbirds cover band.
But is it an Irregular Fractal Duck? Expiring Minds want to know.
As long as it is not an irrational duck with a broken microwave . . .
F(x)-> i * duck + MW(b) =/= 0/0