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YSaC, Vol. 1741: The Fast and the Spurious

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dan

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1998 Honda Civic Es Special eSport Editions – $1000

1998 Honda Racing Civic fuel : gastransmission : manual title status : clean
The car es in goo conditionss
Its fast and furios looking
Much JDM
The car has proffesionals stickers
And racing wings
17 inche rines
Cold air intakes

The car is 5 speeds with R makes its 6 speeds
It has the single cams no vtec much powers full

When I was growing up, we had a 1979 Chevrolet Chevette hatchback. With black plastic upholstery. When it got hot out, it would melt anything you put near it in seconds. I wonder if that’s what this ad means by “goo conditionss?” Probably not, though, since it has cold air intakes. Then again, those probably wouldn’t work in summer when there’s no cold air.

Also, I don’t think you’re normally allowed to count “reverse” towards the total number of speeds. Although the other possibility, that the car doesn’t go in reverse, but has a pirate gear, is intriguing.

Thanks for the ad, MC – you’re 2 for 2!

Comments

30 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 1741: The Fast and the Spurious”

  1. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    An acquaintance of mine, an old-school gearhead, would famously observe: “The performance of a driver was directly & inversely proportionate to the number of driving school decals on the ride; and the performance of that vehicle was directly and inversely proportionate ro the number of bolt-on “speed” accessories.”

    Applying that rule, this non-minty shell probably would not drift nor be fast and furios <sic> even if upon a oil slick over a teflon surface as a dare to the Mythbusters crew.

  2. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    Hmmm, it occurs that Spark’s 7-year old nephew was selected to write the CL ad,

    1. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
      Dave and Ferret Tribe

      [Corey] I think the author’s first language is Spanish. That would explain “es” for “is” and “rines” for “rims.” [/Corey]

      1. jg Avatar
        jg

        [Matt] I think you’re right. /Matt

      2. Demon Duck of Doom Avatar
        Demon Duck of Doom

        I agree. En Espanglish, “The car es in goo conditionss” sounds perfectamente correcto.

  3. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    I’m more than a little concerned that Doge is selling his car. I guess the death of Paul Walker hit him harder than anyone realized. So depress. Much furios. Many sad.

  4. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    My current vehicle has 7 speeds plus P, R, and N, for a total of, um, still 7 speeds. Also, the stickers aren’t professionals; they’re amateurs.

    1. ratwoman Avatar
      ratwoman

      But they could still be proffesionals.

  5. C"From Behind.....Suddenly"J Avatar
    C”From Behind…..Suddenly”J

    Welllll…..my car has 110 speeds, but I’d probably get arrested if I tried to use them all.

    1. DigitalAxis Avatar
      DigitalAxis

      That’s great, but does it have Speed, starring Keanu Reeves?

  6. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    If I paint the wheels of my grocery getter red, can I call it a race car too?

    1. Bombdude Avatar
      Bombdude

      Sorry M2N2, but painted wheels alone do not a racing car make. You must needs paint (or sticker) racing stripes down the length of the car either down both sides, or the center of the hood, roof and trunk (or both). Said racing stripes may be any color that contrasts nicely with the paint job, but red is the preferred color.

      1. ratwoman Avatar
        ratwoman

        And fins. You need fins.

        1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
          MissMommyNiceNice

          I have one Finn! He’s 7.

  7. Ralph Avatar
    Ralph

    Why do Sparkies always leave out the critical details — What color upholstery? How many cupholders? Are fuzzy dice included?

    1. ratwoman Avatar
      ratwoman

      And what tune does the horn play?

      1. DigitalAxis Avatar
        DigitalAxis

        Ride of the Valkyries, as it turns out.

        1. Windrose Avatar
          Windrose

          Squee! Hi Digi!

  8. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Wait, if it has wings, doesn’t that make it a plane?

    If it’s much powers full, does that make it a muscle plane?

    If it has the single cams in existance, does that make it an enigma?

    Too many questions for a Monday Morning.

    1. Demon Duck of Doom Avatar
      Demon Duck of Doom

      I think the wings are to help you avoid (ahem) *accidents*.

  9. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    By the way, Hammy, Punchity Punch Punch and stuff.

    limelolly, the box be yours. Alone. All by yourself. The door is locked. It has professionals stickers.

    Good morning, race fans!

    1. limelolly Avatar
      limelolly

      I am all alone here,
      there is no one here beside me,
      all my problems they are gone,
      there is no one to deride me,

      but you gotta have friends,

  10. Bombdude Avatar
    Bombdude

    Ahoy! They’ve released the Kraken!! Shift it into Aaarrrrrrr and let’s get the hell out of here!!

  11. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    “gastransmission” For when your snail needs more than one speed.

    Edit: or maybe you just need to fart faster.

    1. Bombdude Avatar
      Bombdude

      I am afflicted with gastransmission on a regular basis. Thank jeebus I work alone…

  12. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    It’s a lot easier to get a title status automatically, but manual title statuses are more thorough and less likely to have the wrong name on them. (Unless of course you are prone to misspelling your own name.)

    Signed,
    Old Monkey Vomit

  13. P-Rex Avatar
    P-Rex

    And racing wings

    I’m calling “Bullsh*t” on this one. And not just any bullsh*t, but “Red Bullsh*t”

  14. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    17 inche rines

    That’s what she said…

  15. limelolly Avatar
    limelolly

    That’s not what my mother used to call racing stripes.

  16. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    The car is 5 speeds with R makes its 6 speeds

    If I remember correctly, R is a variable tied to ones sanity. According to Hitchhiker’s Guide, Slartibartfast’s little hover craft travelled at 17R.

    Since I no longer have a Guide close at hand, and Google was no help, I am somewhat, but not entirely unsure of my facts.

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