YSaC, Vol. 204: Well, that’s all right then.
2009 February 7
do u need hair extension ? i need a foot massage, pedicure. and fren – $1500
Hi my name is rene I do hair extensions for model, strippers,porno stars, etc. The best virgin hair w the best techniques. I need u to do my pedicure. Foot massage, frenchtip. These job have to be done at my home. If you do not have the skills to do it , do not try to practice on me, but if you have a talking bird it would be acceptable.
Of course it would. Talking birds make everything better. Not even remotely qualified to perform surgery? Get a talking bird, and you’ll be doing appendectomies in an hour. No idea how to repair cars? You need yourself a talking bird! Incapable of shooting from the three-point line? Talking bird.
Too bad I only have Tahiti Sam … I’ll never get to practice my mad pedicure skillz.
Submitted by Lauren — thanks!
French tip pedicure? That’s how we know this is a classy chick!
[*gag*]
Wow, aren’t hair extensions exponentially more expensive than a mani/pedi? This is definitey a savvy businesswoman.
*definitely
For some reason, I just imagined this Rene getting a “practice pedi” by a drag queen porn star with a talking bird on “her” shoulder.
Yeah. Perhaps I have problems if that’s the first image that popped into my mind after reading this.
Jill: you mean the fact that she does extensions for models, strippers, and porno stars (and is proud of it) didn’t already tip you off about how classy she is? How good does a porno star’s hair have to be anyway? Who watches a porno and says ‘I just love her extensions, I wonder who did them’?
As for the talking bird, maybe that’s code? Please notice the talking bird doesn’t make it great, only acceptable.
“Sally, that ad you’re posting just isn’t surreal enough…”
“Do you think I should add a talking birdie?”
“Now you’re thinking…”
I, too, thought the talking bird might be a euphemism so I hit the urban dictionary and it doesn’t appear to be. This woman really just likes parrots.
For some reason, the thought of a “porno star” with “virgin” hair really amuses the hell out of me….
Maybe the talking bird could offer commentary and helpful tips.
She? I assumed Rene was a man. And a creepy one at that. The requests for a “model, strippers,porno stars, etc.” and the fact that they “have to be done at my home” worries me. (Somehow the talking bird makes me feel a little better.) Oh, and if there’s a barter here, who gets the $1500?
SQWUAAAK! Watch the corns! SQWUAAAK!
LOL Shawn Bryan, that reminds me of Richard Jenkins in Say It Isn’t So.
This one made me laugh/cry so bad I have to take a break.
*stumbles into kitchen to get paper towel to wipe tears off desk*
So, does having the bird make it acceptable to practice on her?
Or is it just acceptable in general if you have one?
Before anyone asks, no, I did not post this ad. Yes, talking birds make life more acceptable. But I don’t do hair extensions on model, strippers, porno stars, etc. Any more.
So who posted it for you?
One of the talking birds, no doubt. 8)
Was it, perhaps, an angry bird?
I’d like stripper hair; it would be the perfect thing for meeting with big clients to discuss their patent portfolios. I don’t have a talking bird, but my cat can say, “Pay attention to me (for some reason made clear through context), dammit!” and “Get into the kitchen and give me some canned food, dammit!”
RAWK! Polly want stripper hair! RAWK!
Virgin hair on porno stars reminded me of the town I grew up in. It was so small the town hooker was a virgin……..
Darn, all I have is a singing bass.
Does your Bass sing bass? My Choir fish, Salmon the soprano, Anchovy the alto, and Tuna the tenor are in need of a bass, and your Bass would be a perfect fit. That is, if the Bass sings bass. If interested, drop us a line (no pun intended).
“Momma sang bass, Daddy sang tenor,
And all the talking birds just joined right in there…”
It’s nice to see your fish having fun outside of school.
Is Rene saying that a talking bird practicing on her would be acceptable? I knew parrots were intelligent but I never would have guessed they were good with nail polish. Polly want porno hair?
I have a talking bird, talking cat (as noted above through context) and, incredibly, a talking fish.
Do you think I could get all those things and maybe more? Possibly a bonus for the fish?
mad, I think you would win by a hair!
Oh, goody, ’cause the hair I have is certainly thinning and could use some major construction work. Meanwhile, my cat can do the mani/pedi. She’s good at chewing things into appropriate sizes/shapes/nutritious hairballs. Meahwhile my fish can croak the greatest hits of the 80s for everyone’s enjoyment.
Wait, Mad’ has a bird, cat, and a fish, and you’re giving them a bunneh?
[listens a bit]
Oh, never mind . . .
Don’t everyone look at once, and don’t stare too long, but there are lurkers in the box today. Okay that’s enough! Don’t want to scare them away.
I notice they both used the word Wow in their comments. I am sure they meant What the Fuck, but didn’t know if we would appreciate that sentiment. So Cindy B. and TC, I want to assure you we are very high-brow here in the Snark Lounge, and would never even fucking think of using such a poor descriptive word.
Awww, and here I packed for two nights…
Windy – That was sofa king wrong! I think Lola left the flask over in that corner……….
See, I read the ‘fren’ the title as if she was saying she needed a friend, and I was briefly consumed by pity for this lonely individual who just wanted some company and maybe a girls’ night in doing each other’s hair and pedicures.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
I thought that, too, but she is pretty demanding if she only wants a friend with experience in a particular line of work, or otherwise a friend who has a talking bird.
Maybe she’s got a diverse group of friends already (pipe welder with a ferret, fry cook with a Rottweiler, etc.) and is just looking to complete her set.
I can sing the entire score of the HMS Pinafore backwards, looking to trade for somebody who can complete all my mixed up Rubik’s cubes in trade. Otherwise if you have a bashful donkey who croons “Bye Bye Baby” I’d take that instead.
*psssst, Taco* (just peel all the stickers off and stick them all back on one-colour-to-a-side)
Cindy B and TC, here are you brandy new YSaC punch cards. Now, hold them up in front of you faces. That’s it. Punchity Punch Punch! 8) Sorry this is late, but wanted to be sure the punches were good ones.
Good Morning, Rio!