YSaC, Vol. 1679: O Fortuna
It’s a well known fact that the American shopping mall is in decline. Sbarro just filed for bankruptcy, you know. This steady fade has been attributed to a variety of factors: the internet, the recession, Mesopotamia.
But I think it goes deeper than that. I think the management of these temples of American capitalism have just not been forward looking enough. They haven’t managed to predict the future with sufficient accuracy.
Fortunately, one mall is getting right on that:
Tarot Card / Palm Reader Needed For [location] Mall
Hi We are Looking For A Tarot Card / Palm Reader With Exsp. For [location] Mall. two Days a week. Pay Is Great! Keep What You Earn! You Most Be Professonal, Accurate, And Dressed .
All You Need To Do Is Sit Relax and Help People And Earn Money Call For a In-Person Interview ###-###-####
I’m certainly glad this palm reader is required to be dressed. Naked shopping mall employees tend not to work out so well. That’s what happened to Sbarro, right?
Thanks for the post, Meredith!
Er, would not a person “qualified” for this position, either have already presented themselves for employment? Or, does the absence portend a divination of the fracas that ensues when partially-clad swami attempt to “relax” mall-goers?
Let’s ask these people.
I didn’t see that coming. 8/
Geez, Windy…haven’t you learned rule #4,567,988 of the YSaC Rule Book?
See, here it is:
#4,567,988 – Never, ever, ever click on a link. Ever.
D’oh! I had my finger over it.
Exsp. Is this experience or extra sensory perception? Also, would you accept a rune stick thrower or a midnight toker? All signs are pointing to yes. Oh, wait, the magic 8 ball says to ask again later.
If it’s exasperation, I’ve got plenty of that.
Nude tarot readers? I have an idea for a new business, although it won’t be mall-friendly.
I’ll open the first location right here in the corner.
The first thing I’d ask them to predict is if the place is ever gonna get an Orange Julius.
“two Days a week”…..which two Days?….OH SHOOT!!!!!…if I was qualified for this job I’d already know…..Guess I can’t keep what I earn….at least I don’t have to get dressed! (I wonder if that leftover chinese in the fridge is still any good?)….
Give it a try, Jazzie, I have 911 on speed dial. 8)
Do you have any leftover Swedes?
OMV….would you settle for a Danish?
You should know the answer to that.
I thought we’d already established I don’t “shine”….besides, Windy just grabbed the last one…..remember, “you snooze, you, uh, miss out.”
Dear We Are Looking,
I Am Your Tarot Card Reader With Exseptionalism. I Can Work With Difficult Customers, Including Mall Rats. I Once Had A Client Pick A Fight With Me, But I Had Him About 10 Feet Off The Floor And I Could Tell By The Red Clay On His Hoofs And His Black Horns That He Was Up To No Good. So I Upped And Challenged That Little Devil To A Game Of 10 Card Tarot, Pinnacles Wild.
The Cards Tell Me That You Will Pay Me $1000/Day Plus Tips And Full Benefits. As A Professional, I Always Wear A Turban. For References, Please Contact Bernard Madoff And Kevin Trudeau.
You Will Interview Me On April 1 At 2 P.M.
Thank You.
Sparky
Tarot Cards are low-tech. Palm (Pilot) Readers are a bit higher-tech.
Can I just use a Kindle?
Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.
Does fur count?
Maybe I can borrow Taco’s squirrel suit.
Not only am I dressed (PJs count, right?), and a mostly professonal speeler, people tell me I am uncannily accurate. I use the Derren Brown method.
There’s Tarot and Palm Readers in the mini malls of Salem Mass… and those looks to be in about as good shape as most mini malls across the country. So I don’t think this is the answer.
The ones that convert into open air shops rather than being in one big building with no natural sunlight seem to do much better. The days of feeling like you’re a tiled cave being alluring are long gone.
Two other things are the cost of providing HVAC to an enclosed mall and changing land use. The mall by where I grew up is being demolished bit by bit and is supposed to be replaced by a 5.22-million-square-foot “urban center.”
There’s a strip Tarot? Who knew? (Well the Shadow does, we are told.)