YSaC, Vol. 1670: Pew! Pew Pew!
church pew sectional / cult leader starter kit – $150
This is a 3 piece, dark stain finish, woo bench sectional. Possibly constructed out of church style pews….so u know its comphy. And yet without sacrificing that creepy look, that you’ve been going for. Getting tired of always trying to impress your house guests? Now u can start scarring the s**t out of them. U can change your whole lifestyle. All u need is this epicly creepy sectional, a robe, and a mustashe and you’ve got yourself a game changer. Practice your new pickup lines like, does this rag smell funny to you??? Enuf said. I’m asking $150 or best offer. Delivery is available. Email, call, or text for measurements, or to make an offer. ###-###-####. Thanks.
Much as I’d like to use this comphy woo bench sectional to scar the s**t out of my friends, I’m afraid I can’t, because that sentence doesn’t actually make any sense whatsoever.
Woo.
OK, let’s assume I really do want to start a cult. I wonder what else I can find on Craigslist that might be helpful with that.
Fiberglass Baptistry (Location, but misspelled)
Little Giant Manufacturing model G-2. See it at ########## Church
That seems like a good idea, but I think I should try to find the B-2 model instead. After all, it has more than triple the capacity. If I really want to step up my creepy cult leader game, a mere 350 gallons just isn’t going to cut it. Although I am tempted to buy it as the world’s most interesting Jell-O mold.
Thanks to my newest acolytes, Jason and Amanda, for the post. All hail Saltines!
I have a mustache, dammit! And a robe! Get ready to be wooed, disciples, all your comphy does belong to us! And by us, I mean me. Now fill the tub with Jello and get wrestling. Only the strongest can be inducted into the group for the inevitable random act of nature ascension to the divine mustache in the sky! Enuf said.
If it’s a woo bench sectional, then get comphy while I channel healing energy through my crystals to counteract your creepiness.
I don’t think you understand the rules of Quaker Meeting, Sparky.
Set Phasers to Woo!
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Not much to add here, except the “Little Giant” company also makes a ladder that contorts into the most interesting configurations.
I’m thinking if cult leader doesn’t work out, you could always use the tank as a handy tool for reaching those hard-to-reach spaces in your tabernacle, or pit of Hell, since I don’t know which way your cult swings.
If I need a ladder, I go to The Rose Suchak Ladder Co.
As for the baptismal, I’m thinking, “Finally, a bathtub I can fit in comfortably”. Except for maybe some of those sharp corners in it.
But is it a travel tank? I may need to take my cult wooing on the road.
church pew sectional
___________________
Why would Sparky want to divest himself of this beautiful and useful piece of furniture?
Has he changed his whole lifestyle? Is he no longer tired of trying to impress his houseguests?
Perhaps his game has been changed? …..and by the way…DOES that rag smell funny to you?
Sorry, dude, it’s not the pews that are creepy…..it’s the idea that you’re offering to deliver them, thus learning my address…..no thanks!!!!!
The cult gets way more interesting if you fill the travel tank with your new snapping turtles.
New pickup lines:
“Does this rag smell funny to you?”
“How do you spell chloroform?”
“I’m just dying to test out my new perfume–Foggy Night Before”
“Smell my finger. Does it smell funny to you?”
“Let me introduce myself, Roe H. Ipnoll.”
Sparky is a maroon.
Macaroons are better.
C.l.o.r.o.p.h.o.r.m, Tuh!
Dang, I should have spelled it the same way Muddy did, then I would have gotten it right.
May I call you Roofie for short?
Would this pew qualify as a sexual sofa?…you know, for when you want an occasional piece in the living room?
I don’t see how getting scarred would be comfortable. Is he talking physically scarred or emotionally scarred?
Oh, wait. I’m on YSaC. Let me sparkiphy my comment.
I doan see how getting scarred wood be cumphortable. Is he talcking fizzicly skared or immoshinolly scarerd?
Gee, I hope that’s better.
As opposed to what? Popeye style? KFC style? What other chicken place makes you sit on a hard pew? By the way, the table is missing that goes with it.
By the way again, church pews are supposed to be uncomfy so there will be less people sleeping in church.
“dark stain finish”
I wonder if he meant dark satin finish and if so, shouldn’t it be a dark satan finish? You know, because, cults.
I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the Master is away.
Baptism man, Baptism man.
Baptism man hates Sprinkler man.
If they ever fight, Baptism wins.
Baptism man…
Oh sorry, I thought that it was the “They Might Be Giants Manufacturing” model.
Edit: Pew! I almost forgot to close quotes on that one.
One of the Gallup Strengths is called WOO, and stands for Wins Others Over. So yeah, woo. Now put on these parrot costumes and worship the kakapo!
Have all of your parrots been baptized?
Church pew woo? OK, but first, roo roo!
I’m holding out for the G-3. It comes with those nice massaging jets that you really need in a good baptistry.
I’ll settle for the E-3 model. The one that converts the stairs into escalators, it’s much more efficient. In fact, it’s Baptistacular!
Perfect for the sireens to turn you into a horny toad! *
*actual sireens not included
I has a sad. It’s not Friday, so there’s no new post. It’s not a holiday so I have to be at work. It’s not break time, so I can’t snooze. All I can do is whine. 8/
Windy.. can’t the boss smell the whine on your breath?….try vodka…works for me….plus the students think it’s mouthwash.
Did you know you can for an entire bottle of wine into a large straw cup. Just sayin’….
If Sparky puts that much time and effort into scarring his friends, it’s no wonder he doesn’t have enough left to fill his pew-couch.
Instead of trying to sell it as a cult-starter-kit, I think they would have better luck selling it as breakfast nook seating for a large kitchen. But eh, what do I know.