YSaC, Vol. 1651: Picc your poison.
Just for fun, here’s something that definitely gets the “trying too hard” tag but doesn’t actually suck. Rather the opposite, really.
4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo w/ hard case – $300
They call the trumpet “God’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I’m giving you the chance to own “Satan’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone who’s a little too “rapey,” this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how.
Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this 4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From it’s compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you’re thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home son, this picc is all you need.
This instrument has the ability to sing an A five lines above the staff so crisp and clear that if you’re not careful may actually cleave your conductor’s brain clean in half. It’s highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed “X.”
Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target’s neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub’s piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.
Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:
– sudden unexpected nosebleeds
– aphasia
– heart palpitations
– aneurisms
– loss of sanity
– unexplainable rage
– spontaneous combustion
– abandonment of the will to live
– anal leakageIt’s a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on it’s user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.
Because of this instrument, I now rule over my own sovereign island, where I preach from balconies and lounge in my throne poppin’ bottles while getting fanned with palm fronds waved by ridiculously hot cabana boys. Tomorrow’s forecast: Whatever the hell I want.
Since I’m livin’ the dream, I’m retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average whitebread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?
$300 obo. Willing to throw in a box of gravel and ship.
Fun fact: drmk owns her own piccolo, and knows how to use it. This ad is pretty much spot on.
Thanks, Kaitlin! You’ve won the prize of drmk NOT serenading you on the piccolo. Enjoy!
Ridiculously Hot Cabana Boys is the name of my Beach Boys cover boy band.
“delusionally narcissistic, serial killer tendencies, traits as future dictators…” as well as “cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane”…??? Sounds like an 80’s hair band guitarist….I’ll go with the guitar…I think you get more girls….
This. Is. Simply. Awesome.
I’ve got my piccolo,
And everywhere I go,
People know the part I’m playing.
Come fan me on my porch
While I pass on the torch,
Everybody’s eardrums flaying.
Ah, yes. I, too, am a former wielder of the “miniature flute of terror”. I now reign over the kingdom of Mommy-ness and, having bred my own army, am slowly planting them out in the world as tiny terror sleeper cells. The day will come when my minions will arise and bring the world to it’s very knees!
Instead of a Dark Lord you shall have a Queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! All shall love me and despair!
…Or maybe they’ll get better grades on their report cards this time.
Perhaps this is what I need to get the other moms on the pto to leave me alone and let me do my job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOnjmYAHNqA
Just gonna leave that there.
Either one too many or one too few trips to “Band Camp” I’m thinking . . .
The devil went down to band camp.
He was looking for a soul to buy.
He was getting bored
With the same old chord,
He had a hard case and that’s no lie.
When he came across this young boy
Blowing on a piccolo and playing it fine.
The devil sat down on a stool on the ground
And fed that boy a line.
“I guess you didn’t know it
But I have a piccolo too.
And if you care
I’ll even share
A little trick with you.”
“If you put your fingers here
And slobber a little bit.
92 cents below lowest E flat.
Makes everyone here just shit.”
The boy said, “My names Kenny,
And I play in a group.
I’ll show them boys
Your sick brown noise.
And make everybody poop.
Kenny! Suck on lemon heads
And slobber if you can.
‘Cuz hell’s broke loose in band camp
And you just might be “the man”.
If you play that song just right,
They’re sure to start to dance.
But when you hit that brown note,
They all will shit there pants.
Hey Spark’, needs more cowbell [bwahahahahahaha]
I don’t want a piccolo. Just wanna ride on my motorciccolo.
もと バイク [moto baiku] offers up a case of puns; apt here might be squinting a bit, and reading it as “ur-bike” (or, potentially ur-motorcycle).
Given that モーターバイク [mootaabaiku] is already recognized, that would then suggest combining other meanings of moto, as in material or handle.
So, that’s some deal on a piccolo, melted down from a Daimler Reitwagen, but, perhaps the ur-grease helps the action.
Given that Spark is willing to trade one woodwind for another does rather suggest Spark has more in common with もと in the sense of being a tree root.
“$300 obo.” Not.a.piccolo.
Jenny Piccolo didn’t like it when I blew her…off. You know about a woman scorned. Now that’s Eeeeevvviiilll!
As the spouse of someone who, in our home, teaches small children and squirrelly middle schoolers how to play the violin, my husband says, “Wrong!”
Gee…Sparky has such a persuasive and impressive sales-pitch….watch out for the service contract offer….it’ll probably be over-priced and won’t cover the eardrum bleeding or rectum leakage….otherwise, how can one resist????