YSaC, Vol. 1502: A man is not a fruit!
2013 April 30
Hey kids! Who’s hungry?
Assorted past due canned fruit
Date: 2013-04-28, 3:24PM
I have the following cans of fruit:
Lite yellow cling peach halves
Safeway dated best by 3-1-10, three cans
dated best by 3-1-12, three cans
Eating Right dated best by Dec. 2011, one can
dated best by Dec. 2012, one can
Lite apricot halves
Safeway dated best by 3-1-12, one can
Pear halves
Safeway dated best by 11-12Eating Right (packed in sucralose) dated best by 12-12
Mandarin Oranges
Madam brand, best by Jan’08 to Jan’10, eleven cansI think all the cans are in good condition, but I don’t eat canned fruit.
That would seem to be obvious.
So… why do you HAVE all this expired fruit? Are you fencing them?
At any rate, ick.
Thanks for the post, MB!
I’m sure that there’s a recipe that involves this, vintage Crisco, and vintage cereal, but since I just had breakfast, I won’t speculate on what it is.
I have some vintage tampons, mostly intact… I think they’re ok, but I don’t use tampons.
On the face of it, Sparky’s claim is not crazy. Ever since New Jersey mandated that all food products must have a sell-by date less than two years into the future (hence why your bottled water has an expiration date), the actual date when things expire has been slightly suspect. (Thanks, New Jersey)
Tits aside, the latest after-expiration-date longevity I can find for canned fruit is 1-2 years (with proper storage). I suggest the appropriate response is either a polite “no”, or RUN AWAY! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
On the face of it, of course Sparky’s claim is crazy.
I mean, who doesn’t eat canned fruit.
You see it alla time in them ‘pocullups movies.
Hero guy sticks his oversized knife inna can o’ peeches fer dogs and chaws away whilst his captive stares hungrily at said contents an’ plays wif a dead scorpian at his side. You gotta know them peeches is ol’ ’cause they ain’t been no cannery ’round fer decades. Then the worl’ gets all floodylike an’ they still gots dry cigarettes and gunpowder and the postman guy takes a gal unner the water to see skyscarpers that gotta be like 20000 leagues unner the sea and her bubble don’t burst and squiltch her. I mean, like the fissics is all wrongy and like I wa’ sayin’…
Huh?
Yes maam, I’m a gonna take me medicos.
Let’s see, where was I?
Oh yes, I like pie.
Why does Sparky have all the canned fruit? Well, the answer is right there in the ad! Cling peaches! They are so needy and so hard to rehome. No one wants to invest the time and energy into raising a Cling peach properly, so the broken ones, the sliced ones, end up in shelters and on pantry shelves just staring at you with their big pits.
Won’t someone think of the saplings?
Cue the heart-tuggin’ song by Sarah McLahlan.
Sparky just needs to change his perspective. Add in a reasonably clean container and a little yeast, and he has all the makings for a great big batch of hobo wine.
You are presuming of sparkii two two unlikely things–sentience. and the ability to plan now for a reward later.
What Spark’ here really wants is for someone to go, “Duud, ani’ got no cash–you wanna tis big bag of doritos, instead?”
Ghostie: Seriously! Add a little bread, old pantyhose, and rubbin’ alcohol, and you’ve got Grandpa’s Cold and Rheumatism and Achy Joint Cure All!
If this post was in the musical instrument category, he would be claiming ” all original, vintage cans of fruit. Kept in case, stored in closet, never played. Original labels, no stains or tears. These are all USA made, no Asian crap. Trust me, they don’t make canned fruit like they used to. Accepting offers in excess of a hundred times original cost. No lowballers please. If I don’t get my price here, these babies are going on e-bay. Don’t miss your chance.” Have a nice day, Meg.
Let’s see…do I want botulism or salmonella? Decisions, decisions.
Hmmm….last time I think it was salmonella.
I’ll go with botulism this time. Who knows, I might even lose some of these wrinkles in the process.
I’ll take two cans of mandarin oranges, please.
Ooh C”From Behind……Suddenly”J, I saw that movie when I was a little trucker. My favorite part was the little mice singing.
Salmonella, Salmonella,
let’s address the Salmonella.
’cause ever since her fella
ate those eggs that turned him yella.
Disney makes everything cute.
*urp*
Ok, have to admit to mixed emotions here.
First off, why the listing? Does Spark’ really want somebody to call up and go “How much for just the Apricots? And only the Sav-On’s, not those disgusting Safeway ones!”?
This coupled with more than small amount of anger. How do you amass a collection of things you do not particularly care for? Pretty much the only ways are by donation or by theft.
So, to my thinking, one of two things has happened. One is that some charity has occurred, gifting Spark with food products. Spark’s response to this was to pick through that boon, but not be bothered to “rehome” the portions not to his liking. That, or, Spark has been pilfering boxes of stuff, potentially, charitable donations.
And, in either case, dawdling about until after the expiry dates.
Even if this is the product of well-meaning family (about the only group not constrained to not give things past expiry), you do not wait around an flog the unwanted gifts off on CL.
Or inherited said bounty, either because it was left behind by a former resident of Casa de Sparki or from cleaning out the home of a relative.
You like canned salmon paste with bone fragments in it, right? Here’s four cans. Toodle-oo!
…Why yes, that did happen to me.
Or, “Here, you want this? If you don’t eat it, I’m just going to throw it away…”
Gee, thanks Grandma, you really know how to make a guy feel special…
Or the following scenario;
:relative opens food container/jug of milk and sniffs contents:
Relative – “Woo, that smells terrible! I think this :whatever: has gone bad. Here, take a whiff.”
:shoves rotten food/spoilt milk towards your face:
There are some things you just don’t need a second opinion on.
“How do you amass a collection of things you do not particularly care for? ”
Cap’n: Welcome to my storage building.
Looks like grandma died!!
I smell a big batch of Sangria Past Its Prime.
You kids better quit makin’ fun of this. Why back in MY day, we never threw out food, no matter how old it was. And to get it we had to walk 20 miles through a blizzard with no shoes, uphill both ways! We ate expired canned fruit all the time, and we liked it! And if we didn’t our parents would whack us with their liking stick until we DID like it! Dang kids today with their fancy expiration dates and their wimpy parents who don’t even know how to use a liking stick no more, world’s really goin’ to hell, where’s my dang pills…?
I read that as “licking stick” the first time.
Yeah! What really frosts me was my niece threw away my turmeric from 1963. That stuff never goes bad does it?
Now I got nuthin to sell on CL.
[corey]
Well, there are people who buy old kitchen fixtures and make over their kitchens in mid-century fashion. They will buy old 50s and 60s dishes such as vintage Pyrex and Melamine to display, and they will also buy (at ridiculous prices) old packages of foodstuffs to complete the look.
It is to be hoped that they never have a moment of madness where they just can’t help but wonder if Jello from 1968 will still set into a delicious tomato aspic.
[/corey]
TC: I’m trying to ‘dore you but it keeps telling me my cookies ain’t valid.
I have a feeling that my cookies won’t be valid either, after Sparky’s fruit makes me toss ’em.
Ancient (past due) joke:
A traveling salesman stops for the night at a farmhouse with an old farmer and his 3 horny daughters. The farmer tells the salesman that if they give him any trouble, yell out “peaches” for the blonde, “apricots” for the redhead, and “oranges” for the brunette.
In the middle of the night, he hears; “Whee! Fruit Cocktail!”
Get your botulism here! Vintage botulism! All you can eat canned botulism right here! They don’t make it like this anymore folks! Deal of the century, won’t last long! Get it while it’s hot! Botulism here!
Get it now, folks, before she puts it on eBay!!!
My “apricots” expired a few years ago, and the old lady’s “peaches” did too. In fact, I think she rests her peaches on her knees now and I stopped wearing bermuda shorts.
I bet those were nice cans back in the day.
Yep, when your fruit is just sitting around being unproductive, not producing anything, just putting in its time, it should be canned, fired, given the pink slip, downsized, sent to the unemployment line.
If Sparky is so worried about the fruit being past due, he should just take it back down to the Canned Fruit Library and check it out again.
Is Sparky selling, giving away, or bartering? The ad only says that he has cans of fruit, not what he’s doing with them. Maybe he’s just proud that he resisted the urge to clean his pantry on a regular basis?
DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO PUNCH A GHOSTCAT???
Ahem. Sorry, that just slipped out and my backspace key has gone missing. Punchity Punch Punch.
Good Morning, Fruit Loops.
Ahem, did you mean “good morning, Meg?” By the way, I never need my backspace key, I’ll e-mail it to you. You’re welcome.