The Worst of 2013!

Hey everybody! Last year we published our first “Worst of the Year” list, with the possibly optimistic prediction that it would become an annual event. Well, I’m afraid that starting on January 1st, 2013, everyone on Craigslist inexplicably started using correct grammar, spelling, punctuation, and usage in all of their posts. There are no recorded instances of bizzare pictures, unrealistic requests, spam bots, or anything the least bit terrible happening this year on Craigslist. As such, we really don’t have anything for you.

Just kidding. Craigslist was still a teeming pile of suck this year, and we were right there to document it. As always, a HUGE thank you to all of our readers who send us this stuff.

Last year we focused on finding the absolute worst of the original Craigslist posts in making the list. This year, we also considered how much we liked the attendant snark on each post. As always, you should click through to the original post to read our users’ comments… they’re usually fantastic! Also, we are once again putting the entire list on ONE page – who needs click bait? We love you that much.

So without further ado, and in no order other than chronological, we give you… the Worst of Craigslist, 2013!

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YSaC, Vol. 1421: Somebody (else) to love.

I need you to tatoo Justin Beiber, Barack Obama, and Tupac across my b (DC/MD/VA)

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I need you to tatoo Justin Beiber, Barack Obama, and Tupac across my back. I will pay you $30

I’m trying to imagine what confluence would lead to these three being represented together. At first I thought maybe Sparky here thought that the Biebs was a reincarnation of Tupac. I mean, that would make sense, right? But no, JB was a sprightly two year old hellspawn when Tupac shuffled off this mortal coil. Which, of course, COULD mean that the Biebernator was the one who ordered the hit on Tupac, thereby setting up his future domination of the eardrums of legions of tonedeaf pre-teens.

But how does Obama fit into this, you ask? Well, clearly, Obama would have made Tupac the Ambassador to Micronesia at some point during his administration, which would have upset the delicate balance of power in the drywall industry mafia, thus depriving said tonedeaf pre-teens of places to attach their Bieber posters with their tears and dried Bonne Belle LipSmackers-covered kisses.

That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it. Because otherwise this is just weird.

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YSaC, Vol 1465: I Smoke Crack Rocks.

Sinks, stone table top, lamps ex.

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You can have all the items for free just haul the stuff away and a small pile of sticks in yard and a table top. Most of it was bought at Good Will yesterday. If interested Call ###-###-####. Call only

This has to be some sort of bizarre psychology experiment. I can’t think of any reason you’d go buy a whole bunch of crap at Goodwill just so you could post it on Craigslist the very next day. Some graduate student is clearly writing their dissertation:

“The Sociological Implications of an Invitation for Transportation of Relocated Items From Philanthropic Institutions via Electronic Communications: A Case Study of the Microeconomics of Furniture Displayed at Insufficient Resolution for Accurate Identification.”

Abstract: By observing the response to deployment of assorted items secured from a low-cost provider of goods to typically lower socioeconomic status individuals, the willingness to perform menial haulage in exchange for various goods was observed. The level of incentive required for each assortment of goods was qualitatively compared and used to establish a baseline economic valuation of various collections of items versus the transportation difficulty of same. Subjects were recruited via an electronic communication system. (IRB approval #589402) Results were statistically analyzed via parametric regression to establish high order correlational efficacy. Also, a pile of sticks.

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YSaC, Vol. 1471: ACTION MOVIE

ACTION MOVIE SCREENPLAY writer

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We want to make an action movie. We have gear, actors- just no idea what our story should be. We need a story/screenplay for an action feature (about 90min).

OK, I know JUST how to help you out. Mad Libs! Just pick one of the choices for each option below, and you’ll have a GREAT movie, I guarantee!

INTERIOR (office/secret lair/pasta factory/Hoboken), DAY

JACK, a former (policeman/space marine/secret agent/vacuum cleaner repairman) is happily married and trying to put his past behind him. He has a new job as an (accountant/ice cream truck driver/copy editor/galley slave) and 2.5 children, DAVID, SUSAN, and EDW.

JACK:
I sure am glad I have escaped my dark past!

Suddenly, JACK is attacked by (terrorists/aliens/a bear/Abe Vigoda) who kidnap his children, murder his goldfish, and force him to watch reruns of (Three’s Company/Manimal/My Mother the Car/Misfits of Science). Escaping, he is forced to partner with (a woman/a cute little kid/an ugly old dog/a dinosaur/a leprechaun.)

PARTNER:
I sure do hate working with you!

JACK and PARTNER experience a series of ACTION PACKED SET PIECES. MANY THINGS explode. These things include, but are not limited to (a building/a bridge/The Queen Elizabeth II/Queen Elizabeth II/Hoboken). They learn a valuable lesson about FRIENDSHIP and WORKING TOGETHER.

PARTNER:
I sure do respect you, and enjoy working with you!

Suddenly, PARTNER is killed in a touching moment of pathos in our otherwise frenetic movie. PARTNER is killed by (an explosion/a computer virus/halitosis/ennui).

JACK (looking at crane mounted camera (you folks DO have a crane, right?)):
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Finally it is time for the CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN in which it is revealed all along that the true bad guy is really (The Illuminati/”Weird Al” Yankovic/Those guys from the Bartles and James commercials/Zombie Adlai Stevenson).

BAD GUY:
Now I shall destroy you! Release the shark!

THE SHARK eats JACK

SHARK:
Om nom nom.

All seems lost when through a startling Deus Ex Machina, PARTNER is revealed to still be alive.

PARNTER:
Catch phrase!

PARTNER slices open THE SHARK and rescues JACK. JACK goes on a killing rampage which ends with a final exchange of (swordplay/gunfire/threatening legal documents/housewarming gifts) with the BAD GUY.

JACK:
Much better catch phrase!

The BAD GUY dies. The CHILDREN are reunited with JACK, although EDW will need years of therapy.

FADE OUT

You can just ship me my Oscar when it comes in.

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YSaC, Vol. 1487: 4’33” of heavy breathing

Painting – $15

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Painting for $20

This $15 painting, which Sparky is selling for $20, is clearly an artistic masterpiece that does not require viewing in order for the audience to be conscious of its meaning. After all, “Consciousness is part of the meaninglessness of art,” says Foucault; however, it is not so much consciousness that is part of the meaninglessness of art, but rather the fatal flaw, and subsequent genre, of consciousness. Therefore, the subject is contextualised into a dialectic desituationism that includes reality as a whole. However, an abundance of demodernisms concerning the futility, and subsequent stasis, of structural sexual identity may be revealed.

In other words, this is probably porn.

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YSaC, Vol. 1492: Wordhippo fails again

Old used soap (Used)

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I’m very fearful of the chemicals that they use in today’s cleaning products for the human genitalia. In old times, there were less mean stuff that dried out my lions. Now I am in search of LEVER 2000 series 1992. I do not object to something similar if you know what I mean. I just want something or someone to clean all of my 2000 parts without threatening my existence. It has been scientifically proven that 75% of your dust is your dead shredded skin cannibalism. It is so forth natural to bullshit scientist. They say this is okay, as they fill your head full of Benadryl and Zyrtec. I’m not buying that taco. Who’s coming with me. I need your soapy lather goodness. Trust me I know your MOM!!!! SHE WOULD NEVER LET YOU SUFFER FLESH EATING CIRCUMSTANCES. Also I’m a very educated investor. I can give you a job. I have a cat named PRETTY. She needs an affectionate home with people that can make her feel beautiful. I’ve wasted all my tears, I keep holding on.

Today, I shall attempt to grapple with this particular pile of batshit crazy using the magic of poetry.

First, a cinquain:

Fearful
Modern cleaners
Make my privates arid
I look for ancient lever soap
Pretty

Next, I shall attempt to distill the essence of this post into a Haiku:

My cat is pretty
I’m not buying that taco
I keep holding on

What about some Ogden Nash style doggerel?

A man who washes in Lever,
Leaves women a-queever.
But if your cat is named pretty
It’s a pity.

How about a sonnet?

The modern soap I use is full of fear
And shredded skin upon me doth oer-lie.
I think of LEVER and I shed a tear
In olden times my lion was not dry.
Science hath shown our dust doth eat itself
But science too is naught but bull ca-ca.
So pray investigate your highest shelf
And while you’re at it say hi to your ma.
Seek my advice if money you would save,
My pretty cat can join you in your cave.

Or perhaps a limerick?

There once was a poster on Craigslist
Who..

Dammit.

(And in case you were wondering, this was posted under “gigs”)

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YSaC, Vol. 1517: Brass knuckles.

deformed dead baby – $100

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comes in a brass box.

So, babies! (Waaah!) Babies! (Waaah!)
If you want to end up with scabies!
And warts and stuff! On your face!
You’ve come to the right place!
Baby got box!

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YSaC, Vol. 1524: And I’ll never have that recipe again …

Free ravoil, frozen meat on curb right now

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Ravoli with spinach
Small frozen hen
2 cylinders of mechanically separated chicken meat.

I’ll remove the ad when this stuff is gone.

This is the worst version of Stump the Chef ever. “Well, Lynne, I’ve got a half-frozen hen with tire tracks on it, spinach ravioli that may or may not contain botulism, and two cylinders of mechanically separated chicken meat, which is disgusting enough on its own that nothing else needs to be said about it other than that I picked it up on someone’s curb. What can I make out of those three ingredients?”

Lynne Rossetto Kasper: “So as always I get salt, pepper, and a fat. So what I would do is to put some butter into a saucepan and melt it until it is frothy. Add the salt and pepper. Now take the hen, ravioli, and mechanically separated chicken meat, and throw them into the garbage. Done.”

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YSaC, Vol. 1561: Clever girl.

Paleontologist

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It has always been my dream to be able to homeschool my children. Recently, my husband caught me playing a game with them in which I said, “Flap your wings and fly like a velociraptor.” Now, all of a sudden, my husband is saying that I don’t know enough about biology to homeschool our kids. I am looking for a paleontologist to come to our house and show him that velociraptors are the ancestors of Turkeys who can definitely fly. I don’t think animals really just learn to fly so the velociraptors must have been able to fly, also. I will pay extra for someone who can bring fossils and a friend to dress lik a velociraptors and demonstrate their wing span, etc. Or, at least, find someone who can make velociraptor sounds. I would like to turn this into a learning opportunity for the whole family.

If this works out, we could do a different dinosaur every week. I will have my kids dress up like turkeys so we can demonstrate how they evolved. Thanks! E-mail me for my address and some times that work for you!

Compensation: $100 plus extra for the noises/costume

We here at You Suck at Craigslist are only focused on one thing: education. Education, and … We here at You Suck at Craigslist are all about two things: education, and helping people. Oh, and … We here at You Suck at Craigslist have three primary goals: Education, helping people, and having a nice sammich. It’s a great day when we can bring together two Craigslist posters into a mutually agreeable situation. It’s an even better day when we can do so while having a nice sammich, but this is just one of those great, but sammich-free, days.

I applaud this plucky young educator’s efforts to create an stimulating learning environment for the children. What better way to learn about the mechanics of flight than to plunge painfully to the ground after attempting liftoff? I mean, it worked for me, and I didn’t have these fancy-schmancy wooden playgrounds with soft rubber underfoot. No sirree, when we tried to fly from the top of our elementary school’s metal monkey bars, we landed on hot asphalt, and we LIKED it! And, importantly, I learned that I can’t fly, even if I’m dressed up as a turkey. (Although that learning opportunity may have only come just last week.)

Since we’re all about education here (and helping, and sammiches), I’m going to point out that research shows that active learning is the most effective and efficient method. So I think we’ve found a way to help our dinosaur-curious friends experience the real joy of learning about our prehistoric ancestors:

Free no fee

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I am giving away my 1 year old dinosaur. Her names sandy shes a
prosauropods color purple needs nail trimming bi weekly and eats 30 lbs
of tuna every 3 days. She is trained to do her business outside and is
not agressive towards ppl but has to be walked with a leash. I wouldnt
recommend having anyother pets if so she will be agressive she is still
learning and may think your pet is food or another type of wild animal.
I already experienced her eating my hamster sally. I am not selling her
because i got her as a gift from fam out of country so i just cant have
her anymore if anyone really wants to dedicate their time to this
dinosaur it would be great just email me here or for anymore info.
Thanks
Serious inquieres only

See, in other countries of the world, dinosaurs are much more common as pets. Why, in Belgium, the dinosaur is the second most popular pet, behind the not.a.lion, which recently experienced a resurgence in popularity after one ate a particularly unpleasant Prime Minister. The same rules that prohibit the import of young cheeses into the country also provide restrictions on the import of prosauropods, which are highly valued as service animals and line chefs. But in the name of education, anything is possible!

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YSaC, Vol. 1584: Gastropussy.

Mystery Snails

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Tons of baby snails – about 60 or so. Take 1 or take 20. Please, take them all!!

DOES NOT COME WITH TANK

The real mystery of these snails is how 60 of them can weigh 4000+ pounds. Are they made out of tungsten?

Actually, I’m imagining this slightly differently. Think of it this way instead: International Snails of Mystery! They fight crime, woo women, wear tiny little tuxedos, have very, very slow car chases, and leave slimy trails of destruction in their wake. But they do not have their own Panzer.

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YSaC, Vol. 1619: Hey, it works okay for the Green Lantern.

CANINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION REVERSAL

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IT’s NO JOKE

Breeders lose $100,000,00 EVERY YEAR to homosexual chattel.
More proof that homosexuality is JUST PLAIN WRONG.

But you (WE!) can make a difference. Come join our winning team and REVOLUTIONIZE your customers’ profits by bending Rover’s gender bak to HEROSEXUAL.
Back into God’s Graces and $$$ Back in our client’s pockets. like God intended.

Now training is mostly humane.

[name], Owner, Free Thinker, Christian

Dear Owner, Free Thinker, and Christian;

I am interested in learning more about your mostly humane treatment to turn Rover into a Herosexual. I have often looked at Rover and thought to myself: Self, I wish Rover was more of a hero. I wish he could leap tall buildings in a single bound. I wish he could shoot a web out of his wrists. I wish he could impregnate hundreds of Roverettes just by winking at them, like David Cassidy or Donald Trump.

Yes, that’s right. I’m holding out for a Herosexual. He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the vet’s office.

*Note: The ad mentioned a specific veterinary hospital. Despite the “IT’s NO JOKE” in the text of the ad, I *have* to believe it is, in fact, a joke, in order for me to continue living in this world.

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And that’s another year of Craigslist suckitude in the books. As always, thanks a billion to our fantastic readers. If you enjoyed this, why not post it to every social media site in the world, and then offer us a lucrative book deal? Or at least call your mother.