YSaC, Vol. 1230: Spring cleaning in the Garden of Eden.
snake
I am giving away my snake and my wife and I resent fears and married, the gift you
I … what? Is this whole thing a euphemism for something? I’ve heard teenage girls talk about giving their “gift” to someone very special, but those were usually the girls who would give their gift to the second-string tight end when he opened a particularly recalcitrant bag of Doritos for them.
And then there’s the snake. Metaphorical Snake is my Iron Butterfly cover band. Past that, I’m not entirely sure what the snake is representing. I mean, it could be man’s inhumanity to man, but … that’s actually plausible.
The meaning of this changes dramatically depending on where you mentally place a comma. Is it:
I am giving away my snake, and my wife and I ...
or
I am giving away my snake and my wife, and I ...
This whole thing just sounds like the computer at the fortune cookie factory had a massive fortune-printing malfunction, and that there are thousands of dry crumbly cookies with nonsensical ramblings. In other words, things are perfectly normal.
Thanks, Jesse!
P.S.: In case you were wondering, this anagrams to I am a dismaying, envy-making few way guy, it of refined and terminated harasser.
Sparky Spambot was never able to recreate the success of his first Modernist novel, Beauty Filled with Spice Christ.
For those of us without perfect memories, which Dave and his ferrets apparently have, here’s where Spice Christ came from.
And thus opens the latest epic from hollyweird: Friday the 13th; the Return of Larry the Cable Guy . . .
Words to put hard together are Sparky for.
Yoda’s yard sales weird are.
It’s probably in your pants.
Pecil.
(o/t storytime!)
We’ve had a small cold snap here in middle TN, and the weather reporters have warned everyone to cover gardens and flowers the past few nights. Mini Monkey and I were on the way to work/school yesterday morning and the announcer on the radio said he hoped everyone remembered to cover up their “tomato pants”. We laughed all the way into town about little red tomatoes wearing teeny little britches. And we decided if tomatoes wore pants they would be green and blue plaid. The pants. Not the tomatoes.
(done!)
I left all my plants uncovered to the cold. Let only the strong survive to spread their progeny upon my yard!
Plus it’s less work to let my spring bulbs fend for themselves.
Good for you. Don’t let them be damn pansies!
(no…not a homophobic slur; just flower joke)
I don’t know, pansies around here are pretty hard-core. They come back even after spraying them with herbicide.
Better a pansy than a pussy-willow.
Well, they’re not glutens for punishment.
(no… not a misspelling; just a flour pun)
The post ends in mid-sentence, suggesting he was eaten by zomb
Or, perhaps, by the snake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C8TdLx3-xs
Let me help by adding punctuation and completing the final sentence:
I am giving away my snake and my wife. And I resent fears. And I married the gift you gave me after my last listing on craigslist.
The only thing is, I’m not sure to whom he resent his fears; that sentence is also incomplete.
I Resent Fears was the name of my failed Tears for Fears cover band.
Snake, by Sparky McSparkleson
I am giving
away my snake!
and
my wife!
and I!
resent fears
and married the gift!
you!
I think we may be overlooking poetic genius* here.
*I’m about 99% certain this is not true.
I was hearing Shatner in my head as I read this one.
I was hearing Rodney Dangerfield…
I said to my wife, “Let’s have sex like animals”. She said, “Ok, I’ll be a possum.”
I said to her, “What’s your favorite position?”. She said, “Back-to-back.”
I said to my wife, “Would you like to have sex in the back of the car?” She said, “Sure. You drive.”
Once again, I hear Pee Wee Herman.
Nyuk nyuk…you said “pee wee”
I love me some Pee Wee (Herman, that is). I’ve been threatening to get him as a ring tone. I have the Geico piggy squealing wee wee wee as my ring tone now. It offends everyone. Heh. That was my plan.
My ringtone is the original Adam-12 opening dispatcher call. It can have humorous consequences. As CJ says:
Storytime!
My frequent attire is jeans, black shirt, black jacket and black cowboy boots. I wear my phone clipped to my belt. I am not a lover of the meandering shopping trip, so when I shop, I tend to be serious in pursuit of my written list of items. I want to get in, get my items and get out.
One day, as I was trying to make my way through a crowded aisle at my local W*lm*rt, my phone rang. Since I had it on loud, the following pierced the air: “1-Adam-12, 1-Adam-12, 415 in progress, man with a gun…” I answered quickly, saying: “Yep, yep, got it” and closed my phone. I looked up. The aisle cleared. Best. Shopping. Trip. Ever.
Did you get that feeling of being alone and afraid? No? Let me resend it.
(true story)I have a true fear of plumbing snakes. My ex-husband used to love to tell me when he was “snaking the drains” (or is that a eupemism?)
That said, I don’t mind real snakes at all. However I did hear him scream like a girl in the back yard whence a garter snake he did encounter.
My name has been changed for safety purposes. Also, I love A Fish Called Wanda.
This spring whilst working in the flower beds a lizard I did encounter, betwixt two stones when I moved them to make room for my tender, budding flowers.
I gave such a shout that our dear elderly neighbor, a matron of at least eighty winters, answered my shout with one of her own, while clutching her bosom. She was also tending to her garden, an extravagant and eclectic mix of sweet william, bachelor’s buttons, and something she identified as Neely’s Knickers.
After assuring that the gentlewoman’s health was not adversely affected (and that her lawyer she would not be thrusting upon us) I returned to my drawing room in my home, where I sampled my husband’s brandy, trying to conquer my own vapors.* **
*I’m writing all fancy like cause Wanda started it when she threw out “whence”.
**This is a true story.***
***Well, except for the brandy (we’re beer and Jack people) and Neely’s Knickers.
Wow! I wish I threw in a “whilst” and a few other purdy words. You spin a nice garden tale!
Between the lizard scaring the snot out of me and my heart leaping out of my chest when neighbor lady screamed because MY scream scared her, I gave it up for the day. I just went inside and opened a beer and had a good cry.
I liked the part where the lawyer was thrusting upon us. But then, I’m pervy like that. And a lawyer.
snake
——————————————————————————–
I am giving away my 1000 Nagas and my wife, Kadru and I resent fears and married, the gift you
Please contact, Kashyapa
Off-topic question: How did I fit 4 comments in the box?
Elbow grease and elastic supports?
PAM!
I wish I had 2 doors; one for the comment and one for “spider pants”
Hammy, You look mahvelous in those.
My apologies to everyone in the box; I just Poed in it.
Maybe cut down on the showtunes and epic poetry. Not that I don’t find it coffee snort-worthy, and utterly creative…OK…I’m damned jealous of everyone who can rattle off a rhyme, limeric, take-off on a Broadway tune, or whatever before I even have milk in my coffee. There. I said it.
I has a envy moment
I to understand am the giving, dharma and
Maybe Snake is a person (I think I’ve met a guy or two named Snake, actually … they are the type who have no visible means of income) and Sparkles here is trying to get rid of a guest who overstayed his welcome. Mrs. Sparkles is resentful of this state of affairs, particularly as Snake was given to them as a wedding present, and Mrs. Sparkles wants to return or exchange him, particlularly after he took his Harley apart in the dinning room (you know the Sparkles have a dinning room, decorated in French Pervertional, especially when Snake is staying there and brings home “new friends”) without putting down a tarp first.
Lola, you need to get out more! I know it’s Friday 13th but just be brave … I’ll metaphorically hold your hand.
Thank you, tig! I’d be here every day if I weren’t required to toil. I am glad to be able to toil but sad when it takes me away from my favorite snarkers.
Gypsies in the Palace perhaps . . . ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdWBZKRHkjY
Sparky needs to be more specific; is this a corn snake or an anaconda? I need to know if I have a chester draws big enough to hold it.
I assume the free wife will fit in an armwhore, but snakes are easier to care for (and quieter), unless the wife also eats frozen rats.
What do you mean? African or European snake?
Swallow.
They brought my coconuts.
Aaaaah!
She grabbed my coconuts and then she ran away!
Is that mongoose still living under the snarkalounger? He’ll fix that snake.
*covers eyes*
Like at first I thought he resented his fears or his wife or his snake. I mean like fear his wife and his wife fears his snake. you know? But then grammy said like I wonder to whom he resent his fears and then I thought, oh, and then like that might make more sense, but then like maybe Sparky misspelled recent because he was afraid of losing his snake so soon. And then like [matt] you guys[/matt] like you know were all…like pi or something and Sparky probably worked real hard on this and we’re talking about his [corey] snake [/corey] here.
You understand don’t you? You know, like really understand?
It’s like we’re soul mates and stuff! You said exactly like what I was like thinking! You know?
Well, like since CJ did an Ozzy impersonation, I thought I would do his daughter, Heather.
Heh, I said “do his daughter”.
[matte]You, you, meanies! This is obviously a simple auto-cowreck speeling error; lookit:
I am giving away my SNOPES and my VILLA and I present SPEARS and MARBLED, the gift EWE.
Obvious!
[/matte]
*taps knife on glass*
I would just like to say that, much as I always enjoy the titles of the posts (when I’m cool enough to get the references), I thought todays title particularly inspired.
Yes, well, My spring is emaculately clean in the Garden of Discoteque. Along with my flashy disco balls.
Yeah, I’ll be in the Corner this ev’nin’, cleaning.
This is the worst thinly veiled request for a threesome I have seen in a while.
Dave, Ferret Tribe, MandaB, Thong Boy, CJ, turn your heads and Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Tennessee!
Awesome redux inside of a redux! Too bad I will be out most of the day. I must be off.
Well, we’re all a little off around here.
If you resent marriage, I doubt I want your wife.