things you need
in these troubled times we must repent! I have seen the light and it is glorious! I am embarking on a journey which provides no use for material items! my lifes belongings are free to the loving children of our lord jesus christ! so many things to see please call to see all the items! they must be gone by dec. 20th please call amber xxx xxx xxxx here are a few items i have pictures for! god bless
Dibs on the creepy old guy!
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Which one?
I’m just wondering how Amber will verify that individuals are “loving” and thus deserving of the wonderful items from this collection. I guess you’d better have some proof if you want the old guy.
Why can’t people just say, “I have this crap I want to get out of my house. If you want anything come get it!” instead??
And the picture of Jesus scares me. Jesus deosn’t look scary like that!!!
With a little hard work and a coat of paint, the old dude might be worth salvaging.
Andrea — are you saying you don’t think I’m loving? What on earth would give you that impression? 😉
Mandee — maybe it’s Zombie Jesus.
Blondie — unlike that bicycle.
Mandee, I don’t blame you. But as an art history grad student, I secretly covet it – so Byzantine!
No use for material items? I want the sweater of the old guy, good Christmas present.
It’s funny she titled it ‘things you need’…why not share her enlightenment with us? And maybe the camera she used to take the pictures, too. I need a good camera.
Okay, I can understand going on a spiritual journey, getting rid of possessions, etc. However, if you’re going on a spiritual journey for the Lord Jesus Christ, shouldn’t you at least try to take his picture with you?
That’s not a creepy old guy, that’s Amber.
E’er’body allaways pickin on Amber . . .
Pick on Rob for once.
FREE ALL THE THINGS!!!
They are free. And now they are running loose in the neighborhood. Nobody can catch that old guy, though.
Actually, I think they are trying to chase him out of town.
While I know there is an instruction to go forth, be fruitful, and multiply–is it not irresponsible of Sparky to suggest the children engage in “loving”?
Or, is Sparky suggesting that chaste children get no swag?
That, rather sounds like the premise of some B-grade horror movie. All the teens gather in some spot, the hip ones use peer pressure to encourage venality, then the sinful ones are all puréed.
Hmm,
TV to send the evil messages (and show venality) . . .
Spooky Eastern orthodox Ikon (both reminder of Good, and Link to Evil) . . .
Possessed Bicycle by Ronco that is really a Ginzu Transformer . . .
Creeper old dude with guitar strung with bits of gullible goth girls . . .
All that is needed is theme music by either Zombie Apostles or Apostle Zomb
These are not the things I am looking for.
I need a muffin, a goose and a cup of coffee. Oh, and toilet paper.
You don’t want to know why.
In that order?
Um… I plead the fifth.
Fifth of whiskey.
Dunno about S’port, but, it’s a too beautiful a day out to dim with an entire fifth (that, and the sunburn risk is middling high today),
Now, if only I had something not-frozen-rock-hard to pitch on the grill . . .
Zombie Jesusâ„¢ looks as if He’s holding two pencils and is about to try to put out my eyes with them. Just sayin’.
Looked to me like he ate a bad deviled egg…
Unfortunately, all I see now when is see that word is “pecils”.
I’d like to empty out my home
To people filled with love
I have a bike and zombie Christ
Just bring your rubber gloves
I’d like to give the world my things
I’ve a perfect Harmony
I’m holding it in my arms
It keeps me company
I don’t want you to compensate
Me for my TV set
Just hear the 700 club echo through your halls
For peace throughout the land
(That’s the voice I hear)
I’d like to give the world my things
(Get my things today)
I’ve perfect Harmony
I’d like to give the world my things
I’ve perfect Harmony
I’d like to empty out my home
to people filled with love
I have a bike and zombie Christ
Just bring your rubber gloves
It’s the real thing!
All my worldly stuff must go
Zombie Jesus told me so
He told me that greed was wrong
For I am weak and he smells strong
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
His moaning tells me so!
Take my rusty double bike
I have a big TV you’ll like
This old man, he played guitar
Take him from me, take him far
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
His leering tells me so!
This treadmill must be gone as well
This book by William Wells Newell
And Zombie Jesus would be cross
If I kept this record by Diana Ross
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
His drooling tells me so!
This faded Andy Warhol print
A giant ball of dryer lint
I know he’s pleased with all I give
Now I must die so he may live
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
Zombie Jesus loves me!
His gnawing tells me so!
Hmm, a muffin would be nice. Bacon sarny would be moah beddah.
But, a bacon-egg-papas fritas-&-cheese breakfast taco would be mas bonita!
What about the couch the old guy is sitting on? And the table the TV is on? How much for those? What, won’t haggle?
All I can think of when I look at the old guy is…
“Hey, Qeekstraw this looks like a job for El Kabong…”
Now hoooold on there, Baba Loooey! I’ll do the thnnnnkin’ round here an’ don’t you forget eet!
So if I have to put myself in the box, at least it’s on a Saturday. Shouldn’t be too many people standing in line to punch my card.
*Lubing** up the turbo Punch-O-Matic and setting it to “bird”*
**Self heating lube of course
I thought you had to blow on the lube to make it work.
Or is that only if the lube is in the bush.
And what if there is a bird AND a bush?
Or is it better if the bird is in the hand?
But then where would you put the lube?
Oh forget it.
All I know is when you are done, it takes half a bottle of Dawn to clean the bird.
Is that the Turbo 9000? I heard that baby will deliver 300 PPM*.
Did you get the optional Soothing Feather Stripper and Cooling Lemon Juice Mister?
*Punchity-Punches Per Minute.
I’m picturing that scene in Airplane! where the woman is freaking out.
Saw that cariacaturized in a Family Guy episode the other night.
—-> misses Leslie Nielson.
Is that Donald Sutherland? I’ll take him, he’s got to have at least one more good cameo left in him.
Things I need. Boy, Sparky sure has me pegged. I was just telling my husband the other day how my life was not complete without a bleeding eye Jesus picture and the largest out-of-date television known to man.
I refuse to pick on the old guy. He looks pretty happy for someone who apparently lost his right eye.
Odin: The Retirement Years
Brumpy Wicklestein was a-playin’ his guitar. He was always a-playin’ his guitar, hain’t ne’er done put it down since he picked it up durn near two-score odd years past. He was a guitar-a-playin’ kind of man. But it was gettin’ worse. Upsettin’ his family. First his wife, Ludy, had left ‘im in a fuss when he wouldn’t put ‘the durned thing down an’ make sweet one-eyed socklove!’ with ‘er. Brumpy chuckled, and then gave a great hackin’ cough. There was a flash, an’ he looked up, his fingers still caressing the strings to the Tetris theme. Why, there were his daughter, Amber. “How do, Ambs?”
“Pa, I’m upset by you, an’ y’all bes’ repent unto our Lord, Jeebus the Spice-Christ, afor’n I lose my religion.”
“Nah, Ambs. I play this’n here music for the Clothespin Trinity o’ the Llama-Nun, the Spice-Christ, an’ the Holy Bees.”
“Pa, I’m leavin’ home.”
His fingers switched fluidly to She’s Leaving Home. Amber grunted like a hog.
“That’s what I’m talkin’ bout, Pa. Tell you what, I won’t leave, but y’all gots to get out. I’ma give you’n ‘way to a good home.”
“Y’AINT PUTTIN’ ME IN A HOME!”
“Sure’s hell am, gonna give up all my material possessions for our Savior. Gonna puts ’em up wi’ you on that infernal Craigslist.”
::Earworm: Jack Ingram, “You Never Leave”::
Astro gets +1x doors for use of ‘postrophes.
And the term “sweet one-eyed socklove”.
*strum, strum, strum*
Zombie Jesus, give me your answer do
I’m just crazy…
I’m not such a stylish Sparky
Can’t afford HDTV
But we’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two!
What you guys call a soap box, I call brilliant word of mouth marketing. This guys just making sure you all understand that free stuff from a man who has no need for Earthly things, yet somehow acquired the things, are more sought after than those that merely come from someone who doesn’t want his junk anymore. It’s a very subtle marketing ploy that says, “See, this stuff isn’t unwanted junk, but stuff that would otherwise be guarded jealously if not for the fact that I am now above it. So be a heathen and get the Earthly possessions that I am now too good for.” Marketing 101. Good for 3 units.
Nah, I’m not buying it.
Ok. Fair enough.
Welcome, Corey, I took a peek at your blog! Lots of fun stuff there. And, ahem, not that it changes anything, but “this guy” is named Amber. Could be, could be. 8)
Oh ya. Well, I meant, uh, the proverbial “guy”. I also missed an apostrophe, so hey, I’m just a deadbeat over here. Glad to see you’re all smiles. And thanks for the welcome. I heard that a rose by any other name is still a rose even if it’s windy. “What? That guy is weird.”
*eyes the Turbo 900 with extra feather stripper and cooling lemon mister*
Smedley, old buddy, old pal! Hold this card for me, there’s a dear, and stand right. . . over. . . here!
*triggers Punchity Punch Punch*
Hmm, didn’t think about what would happen when the victim– I mean, volunteer doesn’t have feathers. That lemon juice has got to sting. Oh well.
G’Night, Constantinople!
Amber/the old guy looks scarily like my ex-husband. The guitar looks like his guitar. Same beard and glasses. Of course, he’s been dead for 3 years; not sure if it looks like him before or after he died!