YSaC, Vol. 1072: Yes, They’d Like Some Bananas.
There are no monkeys!!!!!!!
Please stop calling. I don;t know who posted this with my number but I am not giving away monkeys.
Now, to be fair, this isn’t terribly sucky, other than the completely inexplicable semicolon. On the other hand, it is absolutely hilarious.
Two points:
1. This person does not rule out the possibility that they are SELLING monkeys, just that they are not giving them away for free.
2. I want this children’s book to exist. Commentariat, make it so.
Thanks, Mackenzie!
Updated by drmk to add: The comment below by “eBaiting” deserves to be featured here:
There are not any monkeys. We do not have them here.
Our store quit selling monkeys in August of last year.
We held a monkey sale, but we priced them far too low.
You simply can’t imagine how fast bargain monkeys go.
We sent a local flyer, but things soon got out of hand.
Our little ad went viral, and we could not meet demand.
Before we’d even opened, I peeked out at the throng,
A wall of eager monkey shoppers seven miles long.
They pounded on the windows. They rattled our front gates.
It felt just like Black Friday, but centered ’round primates.
At eight o’clock we opened and the mob came pouring in,
And snatched up all the monkeys from our monkey clearance bin.
Some people did not get one, and then the fights broke out,
With angry shoppers screeching, and flinging poo about.
They clambered on our counters, jumped up and down in carts.
We fled to layaway to get the tranquilizer darts.
We fired them at customers, which quieted them down.
We called the cops for help and they sent every car in town.
So next time you go shopping, recall this little verse:
There are not any monkeys, but humans act much worse.
I would totally buy this children’s book. Why isn’t it one yet?
So, not.a.monkey?
That’s the point FM:
Yes, we have no monkeys.
We have no monkeys today.
We’ve chimps and orangutans
gorillas and baboons…..
A Sumatran gibbon, a bonobo
But yes we have no monkeys
We have no monkeys today.
PS: But we’ve got you..
Yay for knowing the difference in monkeys and apes 🙂 With rare exception (such as gibbons, which have tails and baboons, which are actually monkeys), monkeys have tails and apes do not.
*hands you a pair of [corey] tags*
Baboons! I goofed on that one – thanks Angel corey……..
It’s not important that I can tell difference between apes and monkeys, it’s only important that they (apes and monkeys) can tell the difference. Just saying…
Apes and monkeys see each other as a series of ones and zeros.
Those are only MTV new world binary primates.
The old world primates are still living like it’s the old world. Change is a concept they’re having a problem grasping.
*Waves his hand*
This is not the Funky Monkey you are looking for.
Whew. Thanks for covering for me.
I’m so depressed, no more monkeys to spank…
Oh, hi corner!
A game and a chant for you Ham Sir:
im gonna spank the monkey,
to make him deeper pink.
im gonna spank the monkey,
i dont care what you think.
im gonna spank the monkey,
jus bcouz i can,
im gonna spank the monkey,
to prove he’s a man.
ive spanked the monkey,
i made him look red.
ive spanked the monkey
shit…
i fink the monkey’s dead!
Spank The Monkey! A little game…
“These aren’t the monkeys you’re looking for.”
“These aren’t the monkeys we’re looking for.”
“He can go about his business.”
“You can go about your business.”
Monkey business?
That Copernicus.
I knew when The Bloggess brought him home there’d be trouble.
And, now, he’s got his own Facebook page and is starting to play practical jokes on her.
I tried to warn her, but did she listen?
Singalong time!
“Hey Hey there’s no monkeys!
We ain’t got no monkeys around!
I’ve got no idea who did this
Saying that my monkeys abound…”
Happy Monday! No…wait…sneaky long weekends. Happy not.a.Monday!
:tosses banana doors at Manda:
Silly LL! Bananas don’t have doors, but they’re still very a-peeling!
Plantains?
I prefer spontaneous tains, myself.
You mean there are no monkeys left at all?
Where did all the monkeys go?
Wait – are aliens going to destroy the Earth to make a hyperspace bypass? Or is it just when all the dolphins disappear that we have to worry about that?
I was worried about that too. I bet the monkeys are just hiding at the zoo and Sparky concluded they disappeared.
Is that a Hitchiker’s reference?
The /bypass/dolphins reference? Yes.
The original posting
“Poop Gold” has got to be IF’s Butthole Surfers tribute band.
Darn! I thought it was Metallica!
I can never get those cover bands right.
It absolutely is.
The truth is the previous caretakers of these gold-pooping monkeys didn’t give them enough bananas. The monkeys therefore revolted and killed the people, then ate them. At first everything was fine, but then the monkeys realized there was still nobody bringing them bananas. So the monkeys posted the ad. If you read between the lines, this is actually a great offer that includes a warning caveat. “Take good care of us and give us plenty of bananas. We’ll poop gold made out of the bits of previous banana-bringers that we ate. If you do take good care of us, we’ll clean your house and keep you living pretty with all the poop-smelling gold we can produce, but remember to keep bringing bananas; otherwise, we’ll eat you too and poop gold made out of your tasty bits to give to whomever heeds this warning and keeps us well-supplied with bananas. Oh, and we’re cute. We look like long-haired, fanged kitties, and who doesn’t think kitties are cute?”
I can’t believe how misunderstood we are! Yes, we poop gold, of course. But we DON’T devour bodies after we kill people. We do however take over their lives and sleep with their spouses and run up their credit cards.
When they sleep with their spouses, is it on the “bitch” side of the bed? Just wondering.
Monkey please. You know it. 🙂
“Monkey, please” is totally going to be my new mode of address.
“You want it when? Monkey, please.”
“How much for a gallon of milk? Monkey, please!”
Sad; no more free monkeys.
I am going to write that book now Drmk.
In other news, Lara will have a book deal before I will.
Better hurry. I hear there are roosters and monkeys with typewriters rushing to get their versions into print!
If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey…
Even if it has a monkey kind of shape…
If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey,
If it doesn’t have tail, it’s not a monkey, it’s an ape.
Then he concludes that Bob is an ape since Bob is sans tail.
You got the reference! *does a little dance*
Storytime!
A couple summers ago, my aunt and uncle were visiting my parents while we were there, too. Some guy called because he wanted to pick up his kids (sounded like a joint-custody situation). My uncle calmly told him that he had to wrong number. The guy flipped out and started yelling at my uncle about being a lair and he can’t keep his kids from him and he’ll be right over, expletive, expletive, expletive. It was pretty funny. I hope the guy felt like a right ass when he got to his ex-wife’s home and realized he hadn’t actually called first.
He called your uncle a lair? Like the batcave? Or Skullcrusher Mountain?
My Taco-ness strikes again!
I think what’s even funnier is that I misspelled Liar the first time through and that’s what it auto-corrected to!
There are no monkeys in the box;
There are no monkeys in my socks.
There are no monkeys in my house.
(That’s not a monkey – it’s a mouse.)
There are no monkeys here or there.
There are no monkeys anywhere!
I do not like this world without monkeys.
I do not like it. It’s not funky.
More doors than you can imagine are being flung in your direction, camille.
Woops, wasn’t supposed to be a reply here. Go about your business.
This is not the monkey reply you are looking for.
camille, I thought of you this weekend! We were at my parents’ house, and my (brilliant) sister came into the living room yelling something about having seen a bear in the backyard, or it might have been a cat. My mother’s response was “If you can mistake it for a cat, it’s not a bear.” My immediate thought was “Of course, that’s because bears look like dogs!”
It could have been a bearcat.
http://fancyoatmealblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/hibear.jpg?w=400&h=286
My tiny bear dog gets mistaken for a cat all the time. Mostly because (1) she washes herself and (2) she’s scared of dogs.
Taco didn’t get enough sleep last night to do any snarking today. I’ve sat here feebling trying to come up with something and my brain can’t put anything useful together.
I’ll just be on the sidelines today.
Just don’t start flingin’ poo if you become upset with what you read.
Is that a common problem?
…you mean it’s not?
It’s common if we’re not on meds.
But…who will type out the entire works of William Shakespeare?
Speaking of the bard, there’s a movie coming out soon called Anonymous. The description states that it is “A political thriller advancing the theory that it was in fact Edward De Vere, Earl of Oxford who penned Shakespeare’s plays”. Having seen no previews, all I can think is it can’t be that thrilling if it rehashes the centuries-old academic discussion that the bard wasn’t actually the playwright. The only way I see a film about that theory succeeding is if it’s a comedy that paints the bard as a loveable drunk with charisma to spare who stands in as the figurehead for a repressed semi-royal who wishes she could destroy the glass ceiling that keeps women only in the audience and not on stage.
…and if Robin Williams plays Shakespeare.
…and if Nathan Lane plays his love interest, er, assistant.
Could we recast Jude Law as Shakespeare and Ewen MacGregor as the
love interestassistant? I would pay several monies to see the dictation scenes.Yes, please!
Throw Rob Pattinson in the mix somewhere, please. Lordy, Lordy, it otta be illegal.
I am not giving away monkeys. Or zebras. Or oppossums. Or wallabies. Or kakarikis. Or peacocks. Or sugar gliders. Or corgis. Or lemurs. Or Not.A.Lions. Or roosters. Or clams. Or thouroghbreds. Or deer. Or antelope. Or bison. Or flounder. Or cattle. Or parrots. Or dogs. Or cats. Or mice. Or cockroaches. Or pigeons. Or anteaters. Or spiders. Or iguanas. Or boa constrictors. Or canaries. Or groundhogs. This list is only a guideline, and not all inclusive of the animals I am not giving away.
signed,
Noah
No sugar gliders? What about fennecs?
No aye-ayes either.
🙁
karmyn, it’s your day in the box. I’m sure there’s plenty of porn in there already, so you don’t have to bring more.
No problem. My favorite Canadian moved to New Zealand.
Do you need a native tracker to hunt it down and return it?
Not yet. He’s going to be there another year or so.
You can’t imagine so many calls about a monkey ad
All of them coming anonymously but I still get mad
I never thought I’d get my number trolled on Craigslist spam
But everyone’s calling me saying, “Can I have your monkeys, ma’am?”
Want chimps in swimsuits, they want chimps dressed up like a maid
They ask their ages, and if I’ll send them postage-paid.
They want to know if, I take Paypal or strictly cash
And if they come with, a pair of cymbals that they crash
Another phone call for chimpanzees
I’m gonna get you, you fool Sparky
More banana doors for Barenaked Primates.
Let’s go a different direction now…
No monkeys, I don’t have any
Someone played a joke
No monkeys for your lame frat party
Yes I know you were stoked
I say, “No monkeys” to the folks who call
But they don’t believe
They think it’s just some kind of secret code
Or they just get peeved
No monkeys in my garage or in the yard
Please stop driving by my house
No monkeys with prehensile tails
No monkeys to work in your jail
No monkeys for parties
No monkeys for doing science to
No monkeys who will clean your house
Or to keep in your cool tree fort
No monkeys for you
No monkeys for you
And coincidentally, Monkeys for Doing Science To is the name of my Jonathan Coulton cover band.
Mila was beyond ecstatic when she met him at PAX and he signed a cd and her convention badge for her. She was only disappointed that I was not steeped in jealousy when she told me.
Here’s one to make Mila turn green: He grew up the next town over from me in rural CT at about the same time. I’m pretty sure I marched in parades and played in band festivals with him.
Also, he let me touch his beard in exchange for rubbing my bald dome last Saturday night.
What happens at IF’s house should stay at IF’s house.
If it makes Mila feel better, I’m mildly jealous of her.
“What happens at IF’s house should stay at IF’s house”
Yes. Rather than a catchy slogan this should be the Eleventh Commandment.
That James Franco sure can’t take a joke, can he?
🙂
Rise of the 127 monkeys…
I think Bruce Willis and his 12 monkeys can whoop Franco’s 127 ANYTHINGs.
Okay, I’m confused. If I have a tail, am I or am I not a monkey?
I don’t care. I picked this avatar ’cause it’s cute. And this is Chris’s monkey from his closet and Family Guy has never steered me wrong.
It’s.A.Monkey.
All monkeys have tails. All Monkees have tales. Clearer?
Except for Manx monkeys.
Manx for clearing that up, mudsy.
Grape ape, no problem, IF.
8)
Y’all are just bananas.
Free monkies. Please, dear God, come get them out of my garage.
Monkees.
🙂
But just think, you could open a store and be in the Monkey business…
I believe Monkey Business had something to do with Gary Hart and Donna Rice. A different kind of shopping.
. (I’m apparently having my period. Pay no attention.)
Even if the attention swears it paid for the tickets and I said I would pay it back Tuesday?
Even more so! That attention is always trying to put the spotlight on itself.
There are not any monkeys. We do not have them here.
Our store quit selling monkeys in August of last year.
We held a monkey sale, but we priced them far too low.
You simply can’t imagine how fast bargain monkeys go.
We sent a local flyer, but things soon got out of hand.
Our little ad went viral, and we could not meet demand.
Before we’d even opened, I peeked out at the throng,
A wall of eager monkey shoppers seven miles long.
They pounded on the windows. They rattled our front gates.
It felt just like Black Friday, but centered ’round primates.
At eight o’clock we opened and the mob came pouring in,
And snatched up all the monkeys from our monkey clearance bin.
Some people did not get one, and then the fights broke out,
With angry shoppers screeching, and flinging poo about.
They clambered on our counters, jumped up and down in carts.
We fled to layaway to get the tranquilizer darts.
We fired them at customers, which quieted them down.
We called the cops for help and they sent every car in town.
So next time you go shopping, recall this little verse:
There are not any monkeys, but humans act much worse.
“snatched up all the monkeys ”
Heh. Snatched. Monkeys. Heh heh.
Beyond that: Bravo! Many many doors!
Holy mother of god that is brilliant! That is EXACTLY the children’s story I wanted. That’s absolutely amazing… I just read it out loud to drmk while she was cooking dinner, and she was blown away too.
This. This is why I love our commenters.
I read it to my two-year old for bedtime. She loved it!
I am particularly enamoured of the phrase “monkey shoppers.” I may henceforth utilize it as a euphemism: “I have had it with these monkey-shopping snakes on this monkey-shopping plane!” Yes.
This needs to be a pop-up book.
Oh so fine, eBaiting!
That. Was. Brilliant. Thank you for making my week.
Just read this with my morning coffee. Well done, eBaiting.
I would buy this book in a heartbeat!! I have a 4 and 6 yo, and I promise I would read this to them every night, and in the mornings on weekends.
I may give up commenting forever now. I can’t compete with that. Thanks a lot, eBaiting.
Very Zen.
Alternatively:
“Ape, or ape not. There are no monkeys.”
I like to imagine that this ad is in an entirely different part of Craigslist, where it will likely never be seen by those desirous of procuring a monkey.
It’s probs totes symbolic of man’s inhumanity to man. Or monkey.
Dang, I missed a fun day here. Got e-Vacuated at work, and then had to catch up with all the lost time, then had to have a meeting about the e-Vacuation. Wheee.
The way you write ‘e-Vacuated’ makes me think it was less natural disaster/Sparky-on-the-loose-mayhem and more vaccuum-related. Or have I been trying to make sense of the senseless* for too long?
*Senseless here referring to brainless submissions, that is, not comments.
8) It was a homeless Sparky, in reality. I just like the e in front of works, like email and eotherthingsIcan’thinkofrightnow.
Unfortunately, my state does not allow pet monkeys. The legislature is in denial about Primate Change.
Karmyn, your box time is up. Punchity punch punch.
G’Night, Dorothy Fragaszy!
I have an explanation for the semicolon… In other countries, the keyboards may have a different arrangement. I visited Japan, and there were colons where you expect to find the quotes or something like that. So, this person is in fact trying to type on a laptop he stole from a visiting Japanese businessman.