YSaC, Vol. 917: Pies of future past.
Say, do you feel overcompensated for your time? Are you sick of people giving you money every time you provide goods or services? Would you rather reward people for the privilege of being allowed to do stuff for them?
Then read on!
Wall decor for large niche
Fits a large wall niche, neutral color beige with black iron. Picture should be vertical
You must take down and repair nail holes.
Not ONLY do you get to pay to fill nail holes in their wall, you ALSO get to perform your own rotation of the photo. How awesome is that?
Now, what else do we have?
I need a business plan written.. – $50
I need a business plan written for a small business i am starting here in Waco. if you can do this and do it well get back to me with your price. i need this done quickly..
How’s this for a business plan:
“Our company will solicit business plans on Craigslist for a fraction of what this sort of service is normally worth. We will then resell these plans at a huge profit.”
Oooh, I can just about TASTE that fifty dollars!
Ick. Tastes like the inside of a wallet.
More!
Free Bees, You Remove
Hive of bees located in a galvanized washtub. Not located in a structure or bushes. If you are a local beekeeper, come and get them. There will be no payment for removal, so please no business solicitations. IF interested in free bees, you remove, email me for info. Thanks
Yay! Bees! Bees be upon me! I’m sure these bees will be great company for those other bees I found on Craigslist!
I’m so excited! I get to pay other people to repair their walls, write their business plans, and take their bees! Yaaaay! I need one more thing!
Video filmer needed
Hi, I’m looking for someone with video (Digital) equipment to help me film some cooking video’s. this isn’t a job it’s a colaberation. there could be pieces of pie’s but that would be a future thing.
Thanks Jevon
Pie? PIE??
*Passes out from excitement*
Thanks, Laura, Heather, William, and LMeehan!
I like pie.
* I really do like pie.
* I know a couple of guys.
* They really do like pie.
And loving lovers love as loving lovers love…
And now I’ve started off the day with a Doris Day earworm. Actually not a bad song to start the day with. Here, I’ll share.
Everybody Loves a Lover
Okay – the pie guy can take the bees and use the honey for the pies. This leaves bee guy with an empty galvanized tub which would be a nice niche for the wall decor (he can patch the holes with beeswax that was left behind in the tub). The wall decor guy, having free time since he didn’t have to take down the decor and fill holes, can write the business plan. Now just to convince the business plan guy that the business he needs to go into is video filming and we have everybody covered.
I wonder if any of them would be interested in buying a red table for free.
Well of course the pieces of pie are “a future thing” – Sparky hasn’t made it yet! You don’t seriously think he/she’s ever wasted time cooking off camera do you?
And as I prefer ‘freebies’ to ‘free bees’, could I just take the washtub?
Future pie is the tastiest of pies. So much better than vintage pie.
Yeah, vintage pie costs more and doesn’t taste nearly as good.
The bees get stale after a while and lose their zing.
I assume that vintage pie requires vintage Crisco. I wonder where we can get some of that…
(oops, Artsy made a similar joke first, but later on down the page…)
Future apple pie will have been the best sort of pie.
Now we’re just conjugating temporal verbs in the past future conditional present tense.
I will be wondered what your meaning is will was been.
My meaning is once will be going to have been clear.
Future pies will have WiFi and run on solar power. And wear silver jumpsuits.
I think “Future Pies” is IF’s “Yes” tribute band.
“In the future, everyone will have had pie for 15 minutes.”
“The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion of pie.”
“In order to create future pie, you must first create the universe of tomorrow.”
*drool*
Abra candelabra! Bianchi turned into Giovanni Ribisi.
If you do a really good job, you’ll get to whitewash Aunt Sparky’s fence.
Show me “Paint the Fence.”
*Thinks about doing a pun with “Wax off”*
I’ll be in my corner.
Don’t knock over the pith helmet!
This business plan which belongs to me is as follows. *ahem* This is how it goes. *ahem* The next thing that I am about to say is my business plan. *ahem* Ready?
The Business Plan by M. Field brackets Mister brackets. My business plan is along the following lines:
I will freely remove the bees from Sparky III. I will then freely take the candelabra vine thing from Sparky I and freely plug up the holes with some of the bees. I will then use said candelabra vine thingy as a place for the bees to swarm and build their hive. Eventually, the bees will produce honey, which I will then freely harvest and bring, along with my freely available video equipment, to Sparky IV, where we will then produce — freely — a free culinary show about making free pies with free bees and honey. Since this is a can’t-miss business plan — which I know can’t miss because I will have already done it — I will then sell this idea to Sparky II, Esq., collect my $50, and go home.
That is the business plan that I have and which is mine, and what it is too.
But what is your theory?
You sound eerily like Mojojojo from the Powerpuff Girls…
Edit: I just realised that Mojojojo is equally fun to look at, say and type! Why yes, it is a slow day at work, why do you ask?
Mojojojo MoJoJoJo MOjoJOjo mojojojo MOJOJOJO MOJOjojo
The more you do it the funnier it looks.
Damnit! Now I want potato jojos!
It works with saying it too, but then all your coworkers start to give you that look which suggests your boss will start talking to you about ‘stress leave’ again soon…
I don’t get stress leave. 🙁 As long as I keep my crazy relatively quiet, I’m left alone.
Eat your boss’s keyboard, that always works!
“Stress leave” is really just a euphemistic way of saying “safely out of biting range”.
And Taco – I might try that, except it’s not ergonomnomnomic so I don’t know how I’d fare.
Hahahahahahahaha.
There needs to be a LOLcat pic of a cat chewing a keyboard with that as the caption.
Here’s my business plan: Offer all these Sparkies a free cruise on that shot-up boat that’s been hanging around the Snark Lounge, and while they are bailing in the middle of the Atlantic, I will go relieve them of the items advertised.
But I won’t plug up any holes, not even the ones on the boat, so there you go.
Wanted: Grape Feeder
I need somebody to peel and feed grapes to me as I lie here, reclined in an air of self importance. The only compensation will be for you to bask in my presence, which I will allow only for as long as you provide grapes. No compensation or grapes will be provided; however, internship credit will be available.
We’re not worthy. We’re not worthy.
What the heck… I need the credit.
You might want to reconsider – I think he’s wearing the TacoThong.
On the outside of the chipmunk costume, even.
There’s an image I wanted in my brain.
:goes to heat up brain bleach :
Can you blame him? It’s frickin’ cold today. Plus, I’ve already poked my eyes out, so it’s all good.
I hope our resident artistic community doesn’t take it as a drawing challenge.
We all hope that, Taco.
LIKE. I am tempted to hijack this for a FB status. Particularly the last sentence.
Lola, you hijacker you, go ahead then… um, what should I write for your status tomorrow?
Today is Serversday for me.
Actually, LL, I think that “Plus, I’ve already poked my eyes out, so it’s all good” is nicely multipurpose. I can leave it up after the weather warms up.*
*August, apparently.
That’s a pretty good costume Taco…
That was so very, very wrong.
To be honest, that was less disturbing that I thought it would be – probably because it’s a real squirrel, which looks normal “naked” and so being that “revealing” isn’t actually making me think of things I don’t want to see.
Oh, great, thanks Taco. Now I have this mental image implanted in my brain. I won’t be able to look at you without envisioning this Roman Emperor-esque picture. At least you’ll know why I can’t keep a straight face around you anymore.
Bwehehe.
Get a family room, you two.
Who’s the older sibling? Because I would have made my younger sisters feed me grapes if I could have.
We Have A Birthday To Celebrate! Artsy Computer Geek, Step Up And Get Your Happy Wishes!
Happy Birthday Artsy!
Hope you have a warm and snuggly birthday, Artsy. 🙂
Happy Birthday!
Many Happies, Artsy!
(I will spare you my singing.)
I hope you have a warm and custom-designed Snuggy birthday, Artsy!
Apparently it’s actually Snuggie. But along with my voting and my doors, my edit is gone at work. I blame IE.
I really just need everything to be free. I wonder where I would look for people to provide free services for me.
Car Payment needed
Hi, I’m looking for someone with money (US Dollars) to help me make my car payment. this isn’t a job it’s a colaberation. there could be rides in the car but that would be a future thing.
Thanks LRC
Your car can drive into the future!?! Sign me up!
:hands over bushel of firm obos:
You can drive if you want to
You can leave the past behind
’cause the past don’t drive,
And if it don’t drive,
Then the pie is all mine.
Happy bath*day Artsy!
*not full of bees. Promise.
Happy Birthday, Artsy!
Happy birthday, Artsy!
Happy Artsy Birthday!
Happy Brithday, Artsy!
*does birthday dance*
Live long and prosper!
Thanks everybody and thanks for keeping the snow with you.
The snow isn’t with me, but happy birthday Artsy.
We have your snow. If you ever want to see it again, you will give us
$1,000,000$10,000$500$1.99 and we eat the taxPLEASE TAKE IT BACK! WE CAN PAY!If you can deliver it as ten million blueberry (and fourteen pineapple) sno-cones, then it’s a deal.
This seems oddly familiar.
Mindfield — I don’t know; I’ll talk to SJ, Astro and Bombdude. I really don’t think anyone (but maybe Astro) wants the snow back. You may keep it until July and then we’ll talk.
Happy birthday! Best wishes for a great day, a wonderful year, and many more!
Happy Birthday ACG!!!! (Please don’t wish for snow when you blow out the candles)
EDIT: My vote is NO!! [whine] I wanna ride my Harley, dangit! [/whine]
I also vote NO. I just got all the salt-gunk washed off my new car.
I vote Yes. So do Mr. Winkey, Dumbledore, and… **checks other sock puppets** …Mean Mr. Colonel Mustard.
Only wish for snow in some place exotic….like Egypt. The fundamentalist Christians will see it as a sign of the apocalypse and the the eGyptians will find it too much fun to protest in.
WIN-WIN!
Double punched today! Oh crap, where’s my pith helmet?
She only punches us because she loves us so much and sometimes we just make her crazy.
Your pith helmet ith over there in the corner. We really need to get you a privathy curtain or thomething.
Thank you, Igor, that will be all.
I don’t really have any fresh snark for this, as the “asshat,” “disingenuous,” and “unrealistic expectations” tags have basically covered my initial thoughts. Time was when the sense of entitlement as shown by these from strangers still surprised me, but now I’m just *sigh* “Another one.” At this point, a lack of selfishness and no sense of entitlement are what surprise me.
PS: Sorry if that sounds a little too serious. I think my snark is still coated in ice from the last storm …
[Beating back the cynicism OT]
My neighbors lent me their snow-blower yesterday when they saw me flailing at 30 yards of driveway covered in 3′ of snow with a shovel. Not only did they lend it to me, but when he heard the engine bog down as it was running out of gas, he came over and filled it up with more gas simply because it was the neighborly thing to do. This was after his wife had spent 20 minutes helping me “un-plow” my driveway opening so I could get my car in.
3 days before, the neighbor on the other side of me snow-blowed my driveway and sidewalk while I was in the bathroom that morning. By the time I’d gotten myself together in the bathroom for work, he’d finished and was heading out. I had to run, half dressed, out of the house to thank him. He knew we didn’t have a snow-blower yet so he figured while he was out early, he might as well take care of the people flanking him.
This weekend is bake-a-palooza. Both neighbors are getting cookies, chocolate banana cake, applesauce Cinnamon bread, and a batard of hearty bread as a thank-you for their help over the past few weeks of snow. My philosophy has always been repay a kindness and then return the favor when you can. Someday I’ll have a snow-blower to handle that second part.
Hopefully that will beat back some of your cynicism and let you get on with your day in a more positive light.[/OT]
Hehe, snow-blower. *Chortle*
A batard of hearty bread? Taco, it’s not nice to just give away your illegitimate offspring, no matter what they are made of. 8)
My parents used to do things like that when it snowed and now that they are older and a bit rickety, people do it for them. Even I appreciate it, knowing they don’t have to exert themselves so much.
Why do I imagine you jerry-rigging the snowblower to make coffee while you’re, er, blowing, Taco?
[corey]
Batard
Baking is srs bsns!
[/corey]
Oh, you just know that’s going to be taken out of context later.
Oh, I knew that! But with your … relaxed approach to speeling, I wanted to have a little fun.
“A torpedo-shaped __(NOUN)___ of ___(NOUN)___, 6 to 12 inches in length.”
My mind went to “hoisted on your own batard”
William Shakespeare just twitched in his grave….
😉
You want to envision ol’ Will spinning like a lathe in his grave? Watch this: Tales for the L33T
Let it get past the hard-to-read/black-text-on-grey-background intro before you give up on it.
NSFW/language warnings
There’s a lot of these sort of listings in the Barter section of my local CraigsList. Apparently “barter” translates into “give me free stuff” in some language I am not familiar with.
Barter: To give one party something without value in exchange for goods or services desired. See also: Entitlement.
* waits for snark to thaw out*
Anyone need a sammich while we wait?
Only if it’s from the future.
And comes with pie.
But not a real green pie. That’s cruel.
I made some pie with this vintage Crisco — anyone want the first piece?
Oh, oh, I don’t!
It comes with “pie’s”…. That’s so different!
What local beekeeper wouldn’t want random wild bees? Oh wait, any decent ones.
Actually, there’s no real difference b/t raised bees and wild bees assuming they’re healthy (easy to tell for an experienced beekeeper) and not Africanized (also easy to tell).
Many beekeepers will come out and remove bees for the healthy queens.
[bee corey] bees [/bee corey]
True, but 95% of the time when people have “bees” they turn out to be wasps or hornets. Apparently telling the difference between a bee and something other than a bee is more difficult than it should be… especially given the ease at which the differences can be seen.
Most bee keepers in my area charge a fee to come out and look at the “bees”, a fee they refund if it turns out the yellow winged insects actually are bees that they can harvest. Most of the time it’s just a quick $50 for the bee keeper to come out and say “It’s hornets, not bees” and leave.
Almost as hard to tell as a lion is to a not. a. lion. Whew! Those are nearly IMPOSSIBLE to distinguish!
No kidding. I would just have assumed it was a minority of people… until two of my friends did it. I was speachless… I always assumed the difference between bees and hornets was something that you learned growing up and just knew. Apparently it’s not as universal a skill as it SHOULD be.
So now we need a not.a.bee tag?
Taco: If it flies around while making a buzzing noise and has a stinger, all I know is STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM IT.
To be unable to speak due to one’s mouth being stuffed with peaches.
Also, interesting note: speech has ee, but speak has ea.
Not if you’re me! Vowals nead to be moure flexable.
It was the random and “bees” that I meant to emphasize, but I wrote that quickly because I didn’t want to be late for French class where we have decided that there is no French equivilant of “space pants” which made me kind of sad because I really wanted to be able to use that particular cheesy pick-up line in French since Mila can say it in Japanese because a kind Scottish captain was able to translate it for her and I really like run-on sentences when I am tired from doing about three days of quizzes and homework in two hours because I will be working all weekend again and the quizzes and assignments are all due on Saturday because the course they are from is a hybrid class which assumes that students have an inexhaustable supply of time to spend on-line and have nothing to do but classwork for that class since it is obviously more important than the other classes and since we’re students we have loads of free time, it’s not like any of us have to work to pay our rent since we’re all obviously taken care of by our mommies and daddies or at least that’s what the instructor seems to think but getting back to the original point, as Taco said, a good deal of the time, the “bees’ are not bees and I’m sick of Sparkies expecting some one to come do all their work for them.
That was a long sentence.
And this is why we have ‘stress leave’.
*Hugs* to you kelli (and no random bath bees) – I’m so thankful I no longer have to deal with competing assignments and unrealistic expectations from teachers, and I am also sad that there is no French term for space pants. Do their astronauts wear fetching coulottes, perhaps?
I always loved that approach to teaching: “My class is the only one that matters, and I’m going to give you a metric ****ton of work. That you have to work or sleep or give anyone else’s class attention is of no interest to me.” I worked close to full time my last two years of undergrad, and close to it in grad school, and was always grateful that I was not trying to do that and raise a family as well, even with help.
Drmk, as you’re a professor, are we just a bunch of lazy whiners, or are there egomaniacal sadists who give a lot of work just because they can? I inquire seriously. (Any other professors/higher education instructors are also welcome to comment.)
When I was at school, they told us at the start of second year “you are not going mad, we are conspiring to make this year extra difficult. Sometimes, all your assignments will come at once, sometimes they will be evenly spaced. This is to see how you cope with pressure”. Evil sadists… Kind of useful for the Real World, I guess, but hella annoying!
Huh, “pantalons extra-atmosphérique” will not satisfy?
Mina no tame no uchū pantsu!
Okay, no more triple espresso slices for kelli.
Actually, I don’t drink coffee or soda. I occasionally drink hot chocolate with hazelnut or a nice hot earl grey tea, but that’s about it caffeine-wise.
::holds up scorecard:: 9
I took off a point for uneven distribution of commas. But overall, very well done. Once of the best performances of the season. And to bring such poise at such a high level of competition – truly kelli has shown herself a master of the field.
Considerably OT, but I thought you
weirdosgood people would enjoy the fruits of my labour.Live long and puncture?
“Amok Snow Time”
More like “Live long and aaaarrrrggghhhh….”
Kirk told Spock red just wasn’t his color, but did he listen? Nooo!
OT – Death Taco
Niiiiiiiiicccccceeeeeee!
Mmmm, deathy.
So … who’s been eaten you lately?
What tense is that?
Want…
Since screws are too expensive, I’ll just fix them with larger nails.
Hmm, it seems a large stuffed hawk has taken residence in my niche and I won’t need to repair said holes as I am no longer in need of a neutral color beige black iron thingie which should be vertical.
That’s some damn fine colaberation. Now how about some pie?
How are we all going to fit under one helmet?
You get your very own punch, little bear, since all the others are “only” honorable mentions. Your puns stand alone.
Note: doors seem to be sticking again in FF. For a week or two they were unsetting with every refresh.
In IE as well, at least today.
Between doors sticking and 502 Bad Gateways, which do you prefer? Because we seem to have gotten rid of the latter.
Doors sticking is a good thing. What I meant was that once I click the +1, it disappears for good (unless I do a full clear cache, etc.). For the past couple weeks, the +1 has been coming back every time I refresh. Which lets me vote many times for the ones that deserve it, but it feels a little like cheating.
Mandatory Lunch Meeting + Extra Busy Lobby /Traffic Accident (Not Involving Me) = Lack of Snark Opportunities. Bleah. Glad you could all fill in for me. 8) Fun read when I finally got home.
Wow, that’s a bunch of punches. I hope I don’t lose track and have to start over.
Camille, here is your Punchity Punch Punch. Wear it in good health!
Taco, Dave, Ferret, Innana, Taco, and Mindee! Punchity Punch Punch Punch Punch Punch!
Owie ow ow! Damn ferret.
G’Night, St. Petersburg!