YSaC, Vol. 877: Spell my name.
Hook on Phonics – $400
In good condicion and a wonderful teaching tool
Apparently there’s a couple of things Hooked on Phonics can’t teach you … one being how to spell condition, and the other math — since the most expensive thing I can find on the Hooked on Phonics website is only listed at $391.96 list (currently on sale for $291.96).
Or maybe this is Captain Hook on phonics … in which case your child would learn to misspell things like “Arrrr, matey” and other piratey bits of wisdom.
There’s simply no replacement for a good, experienced teacher. Thank goodness you can find those on Craigslist, too:
child between 5-10? need help wit homework? contack me! (fayettville TN-huntsville AL)
hello my name is destiny [lastname]! does your child need help with homework? comnntact me im happy to help!
What? You’re not willing to let your offspring become Destiny’s Child?*
And sadly, this young scholar is just out of Destiny’s age range:
toutering
looking for tenanted person have experience in tottering my 11 years daughter hour or too a day in English and math if interest please reply
It’s unusual to find someone who only specializes in tottering. Usually they’re equally as skilled in teetering.
Thanks, William, Callie, and Caleb!
*Sorry.
toutering has my admiration – smart enough to know their weakness in English and math can only impede their daughter, and willing to pay for expert help. I just hope toutering is smart enough to avoid a destiny type…….
It’s nice to see that Elizebeth the Craftmatic Ghost has gotten out of bed and is looking for work. I guess ghosts, like Santa, gotta pay the bills.
Hoocked on fonnicks werks fer me.
I reddy to tooter yous chile’. They lerns to reed, real good.
I often become a tooter after I eat chile… er, chili.
I only get gas if I eat Germanic countries.
Better a tooter than a pooter.
By the age of eleven most children have passed the tottering age. Maybe Sparky wants his kids to be prepared for old age. Grampdaddy could probably give tottering lessons.
I can give toddy-ing lessons, too. “First, you muddle the sugar in the bottom of the mug….”
Somewhat OT, but I thought about Hammy quite a bit yesterday. It was “Wear Your Pajamas to School Day” and, not wishing to get arrested for wearing my usual bedtime attire, I wore a pair of red fleece pants with dalmatians printed on them. These were, of course, a great hit with the first graders. However, I had to deal with incessant requests to “pet the puppies”.
*No puppies were petted in the creation of this announcement*
How do you muddle sugar?
Remember “Confuse a Cat”? Exactly.
Buy her a drink?
Meaning “to mix or stir” as in a cocktail, chocolate, etc. I remember my Dad making some kind of mixed drink many years ago that started out by mixing sugar with bitters and then adding some liquor to it. Have absolutely no recollection of the liquor involved and/or the drink.
“Muddle” may or may not have anything to do with any kind of toddy, unless one were to use my favorite recipe: Muddle a teaspoon of sugar with a teaspoon of lemon juice in the bottom of a mug. Pour out, rinse mug, add ice and healthy measure of well-chilled vodka. Repeat as necessary. Enjoy.
Arrr, matey, Cap’n Hook learned me to not be a slagging bilge rat, to give good time to the Holy Stone, and never reveal the island where all t’ gold be buried. ‘Tis worth 400 of your flimsy dollars, I say.
But I only have firm dollars. I store them in the freezer because my mom always told me to make sure I had cold, hard cash available.
Paint it gold and we might strike a bargain, matey!
How much if I pay in parrot feathers?
How many do you have? I mean, uh, Arrr, what’s the haul on that booty?
I like the second spelling of “contact”. “Comnntact.” They messed it up in ways I never would have imagined.
I prefer dot comnntact.
It’s like a letter journey!
🙂
I thought Hook on Phonics was a literacy tool that used prostitutes to teach basic phonetics.
*slightly OT, but the “your baby can read” commercial is playing as I type, very strange timing.
Hook on Phonics – wonderful teaching tool.
Useful for training ladies of the evening who failed that old Hooked on Phonics Program.
Can’t read, can’t spell, but…there’s high earning potential now.
Maybe it’s a charity: If you read a book to a hooker, you’ll have to pay for your time doing so, but if you teach a hooker to read, she can get off the street and on the phone reading sex scenario scripts. Her life will be better, safer, and warmer! Share this heartwarming possibility by sponsoring a lady of the evening through Hook on Phonics today!
Great, Lola! – I made an immediate mind-jump to the “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” series, and from there to:
If you read a book to a hooker, then
(turn page)
She’ll want to read it herself.
(turn page)
If you let her read it herself, then
(turn page)
She’ll want to know the ‘Big Words’.
(turn page)
If you tell her the ‘Big Words’, then
(turn page)
She’ll say, “Wow, that’s a mouthful!”.
(turn page)
If you give her a mouthful, then
(turn page)
Hunh, where did the line go? – It was here just a moment ago.
Just thought I would share. There was no author listed….
My wife is a hooker,
Of this she’s mighty proud,
And the stories of her exploits,
Are legends in our town.
She’s shameless with her talents,
She’ll go hooking anywhere,
And if people want to watch her,
She really doesn’t care.
It seems to be a family thing,
Her mother taught her how.
Seems her grandma was a hooker,
and my daughter’s hooking now.
She goes to Hookers’ meetings,
to learn the new techniques.
She starts hooking in a frenzy,
and won’t talk to me for weeks.
She doesn’t do the housework,
She doesn’t make the beds,
No she doesn’t have time for that,
She’d rather hook instead.
My wife, she is a hooker,
and I curse that awful day,
when she first picked up the hook and yarn,
and learned how to Crochet!!
I have a niece named Destiny, but I know she’s not the second poster for 2 reasons. 1. She’s not in TN or AL. 2. She call spell contact.
Oh my. I live in Huntsville among the rocket scientists and engineers, and I’m telling you now, there’s no way this chick is actually a tutor. I’m betting she’s a lady of the evening looking to swipe some kid’s Hooked on Phonics.
Hook on Phonics is the perfect follow up for You Babby Can Read.
The real problem is, That Destiny Can Breed.
Kelli – referring to the poster, not your niece – I wish not to cast aspersions upon anyone who is, surely, as charming and literate as you! 🙂
Or your niece.
Eye C nuttin wrowg hear.
Don’t feel bad. I was going to make the Destiny’s Child joke. You saved me the trouble.
[snarkish gibberish]Account OverdrawnIs a tenanted person someone who has tenants on their person? Maybe some lice or a goa’uld? Not sure why either of those would make you totter – maybe Sparkles is looking for someone to enjoy some fermented malt beverages with her after the tutoring sessions are over.
It seems to me that if you had, say, some very heavy tenants on your left side but none on your right side, you might totter in an effort to keep your balance.
Maybe they’re looking for David Tennant 😀
Who isn’t looking for David Tennant? I know if I had a Tennant on my left side I’d probably totter. Quite heavily.
Oh, yeah.
I thought that meant they were inhabited, maybe by *poltergiest (spirits). Or lawyers and landlords. Either is good.
Wow, tis the season of busy Saturdays. This might be a record low even for a weekend.
I spent the day playing Barbies with a four year old. Odd observation: Barbie has been redesigned to have “normal” proportions and flat, wide feet. She now looks like Paris Hilton with a bit more booty. I don’t find this to be much better than the previously unattainable figure.
Seriously–less than 40 comments? Talk about slow, especially when we’ve been known to get over 400!
Hardly worth bothering to wrap up! Not that I have time for that. Had a Holiday Parade in town today, not able to cross the city from 9 AM until 2 PM. At 8 AM I dropped my car off at the dealership a few blocks away, and couldn’t get back to pick it up until 2:00. Have a family birthday tomorrow, had to wait until this evening to shop and still need so much. No time tomorrow. I wonder if I can create a bunch of silly responses and have them load throughout the day? 8)
I didn’t get here until now, 8:00 PM PST.
Let’s try this
one
more
time.
Yes!
Welcome back abwh! Internet troubles?
Quick, someone start an interesting topic, I’m out of internets and I just drank a huge cup of coffee!
Today In History
December 11, 1936
Edward VIII’s abdication as King of Great Britain became effective; he gave up the throne in order to marry American divorcee Wallis Simpson.
Hmm, I’d have to do some research to discuss this subject. Fried coffee-brain plus internet research equals: Hey look, another cheeseburger site, this one is full of funny pictures of belly buttonlint. Wake me when they round it out to 100.
Canadian Fact of the day…
Gene Cornish of Ottawa was the lead guitarist of the successful 1960s band The Rascals. Known for such hits as “Groovin'”, “A Beautiful Morning”, and “People Got to be Free”, the New York-based band, including Cornish, were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1997.
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”
THE MAN WHO COMES AROUND
As sung by Will Osborne & His Slide Music, 1940
1. There’s a man who comes to our house ever’ single day.
Pappy comes home and the man goes away.
I asked the man his name and, queer as it may sound,
He told me he was just the man who comes around.
The man who comes around, the man who comes around,
He told me he was just the man who comes around.
2. [CHILD’S VOICE] The man who comes to my house he comes to bring the milk.
He walks right in the kitchen and talks as smooth as silk.
I always have to hold his horsie out by the gate,
‘Cause he always stays so long, the horsie hates to wait.
CHORUS: There’s a man who comes to our house ev’ry single day.
Papa comes home and the man goes away.
Papa does the work and Mama gets the pay.
The man comes around when Papa goes away.
3. The man who comes to my house isn’t such a dope.
He rings the bell and says, “I hope, I hope, I hope.”
I know that he’s a salesman by the way he steps inside.
He never sells a single thing but walks out satisfied. CHORUS
4. [ELMER FUDD VOICE] Greetings …(?) I’m never gonna be
A carpenter or a plumber, no siree.
I’ll never be a doctor with an office downtown.
I’m gonna be just the man who comes around. CHORUS
5. [POSH BRITISH VOICE] The chap who’s coming to my house had better watch his footing
For if he isn’t careful, he’s going to get a booting.
He comes and goes so quickly, the neighbors all declare
That he must be surely the little man who wasn’t there. CHORUS
6. The man who comes to my house comes to fix the phone.
He brings his tools with him but he always comes alone.
And just before he leaves the house, I guess I ought to mention,
He goes upstairs to Mammy’s room and fixes her extension. CHORUS
Tell us which is worse…
Surprise pop quizzes
Homework on the weekend
I’m going with homework on the weekend. But then again I never studied for quizzes I already knew about. This might explain why my parents were less than thrilled with my report cards.
“Within ten to twenty years’ time we could have a robot that will completely eliminate all routine operations around the house and remove the drudgery from human life.”
– mechanical engineering professor M.W. Thring, 1964.
Oh! good one, you made me remember another site I love, Paleofuture.
The duffel bag got its name from the Belgian town of Duffel, where the coarse, thick-napped woolen fabric used for the bags was manufactured.
-Litarider. -Litarider. . . Shatner. I think I. Have something. For you. Punchity. Punch. Punch!
G’Night, Huntsville Hookers!
8( Nobody knows the redux I post,
Nobody knows my sorrow. . .
I don’t have anything to tout. I am not a touter. I will not be toutering. This is because I am a nice, sincere, cute, fluffy, cuddly, smart little fox. (you should give me money)