YSaC, Vol. 704: I want your sex … sort of.
This post is behind a cut because it acknowledges the existence of sex … sort of.
YOU MAY NOT TOUCH!!! – w4m – 35
please help me find a man to fill out my fantasy!
i am a luxury women five feet five inches with dd boobs wanting a man to fill out my fantasy. hubby is gone for two weeks so i need to ASAP! the deal is that you will come too my house and get my off but YOU MAY NOT TOUCH. i dont’ believe in masterbation so i wont’ be touching me neither and you MUST NOT TOUCH ME OR YOUR” SELF.
this is not for sex this is just for good clean orgams with no touching or masterbating.
COME AND GET IT BOYS!!!!
Huh. You know, I’m no expert on sex, but I always thought there was touching involved. Is our luxury women looking for psychic sex?
Her: “That’s right, baby, think me faster. Ooooh, I love it when you think me like that. Think me harder, baby. Harder!”
Him: “I’m already thinking about physics! I can’t think much harder!”
Maybe it’s just me, but that’s not working for me. (I mean, physics is hot and all, but … ) Is this like the Baptist who didn’t believe in oral sex?
Thanks, The Fool!
She wants a man to come to her house and get “my off,” but not to touch her. Hmm, oh I get it now! She wants him to clean her oven, obviously.
No, no, no! She wants him to come over and coat her down with insect repellent spray.
Why would she want her goose sprayed with insect repellant?
Seals in the juices and keeps those pesky oven
friesflies at bay.No, she never wants to clean her oven again! Oh, wait, that’s EASY OFF, which this apparently WON’T be, lol!
If you’re not touching, I don’t think you’re doing it right. However, I have heard of those women who have the condition where they have spontaneous orgasms. Maybe she just needs a little third party concentration to get her to the goal line? Really, I think… oh yes! YES! OH GOD!
Damn, gotta go change now.
:tsk,tsk:
It’s sad what years of caffeine abuse will do to a fella.
Since he’s serving himself the caffeine, does that qualify as “self-abuse”?
I’m technically not touching myself when I drink coffee, though.
If you’re not touching, I don’t think you’re doing it right.
😉
I think we’ve become Mobius Stripped.
I think you’d eventually get tired.*
*are we “there” yet?
Are whips and chains considered “touching”?
Depends on how they’re used.
Will it require an attack roll, or are you thinking a ranged touch attack?
Its an attack roll kinda thing, but its a +9″ whip…
Riding crops under four feet in length can be used free action if you have at least one feat in Domination.
This vegetable based D20 mod is getting kinda kinky…
I’m confused – she wants a total stranger to come over and not touch her, not touch himself, and she won’t touch him? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot What kind of lame-ass fantasy life does this woman have? Does she go to the library and stand just a little to close to people, too?
It’s a trap!
She fantasizes being in a room full of naked, writhing people who aren’t touching each other. I can only wonder what kind of parental damage she accrued during her childhood.
Alternately, she’s a physicist who knows that the electron fields around atoms prevents them from actually ever touching. So in a way, it’s impossible to truly touch anything.
Not sure about the naked part – I noticed that at no point in the ad does she specify whether or not they would be clothed when together. Curiouser and curiouser.
Or even in the same room at the same time.
Gosh, if only there were an invention that would allow her to look at pictures or videos of naked people without touching them…
Or put up an ad looking for someone to come over to her house so she couldn’t touch them or be touched by them.
Wait…
And what if all of these inventions could be connected together … by wires, or waves in the air! Just imagine!
Even better – people who don’t know how to do this successfully would be collated and their failures displayed, and other people, on their respective wire-connected inventions could make fun of how much those people suck. THAT would be the apotheosis.
This is all starting to sound vaguely familiar. Are we talking about plumbing here? ‘Cause there are lots of pipes in plumbing.
“THAT would be the apotheosis.”
Doubly so on the perinox
Capn, I’m never, ever playing Scrabble with you.
I wouldn’t even play Yahtzee with him.
If he talks like he writes, I’m not sure I could play Chutes and Ladders with him.
I might play Checkers with him.
I would also play Battleship.
**crickets**
Well, I’m certainly not going to play “Come over, Don’t touch, Hardly look, Oh, Oh, Oooooooh, I’m melting…..” with him.
Oops, sorry – that melting part was from the ‘Wizard of Oz’, wasn’t it – wrong genre. My bad…
Actually, I could use a challenge in Scrabble…Cap’n, do you have the Scrabble facebook app?
Dear Bridgete, I do not.
Scrabble has some odd memories for me. Was one thing around my immediate family growing up–we knew we needed reference materials first.
But, among others, with slightly less twisted educational and experiential lives, just got too weird. Rather like Trivial Pursuit is spoiled by having a better-than average memory, and have lived through many of the events (something which spoils “That 70’s Show for me).
My sister refused to play with me anymore after I triple word scored with Zoophyte.
That was like 12 years ago.
Damn…I really could use a challenge. I win against everyone else. Ah well.
I’d play Doctor with him. 😉 Big words turn me on.
Just one condition though….he’s not allowed to touch me. Or himself. I won’t be touching myself either. And no sex. Just good, clean, wholesome orgams.
Wow, I wish I had known about this back when I was in Catholic School. I wouldn’t have had to wear those late bloomers for so many years.
“Look, but no touching!” is the abstinence platform the Catholic Church is going with I think.
So… does this mean that hawt prawn is now considered ok, as long as you don’t spank little Jesus?
Excuse me Taco, I’m confused. Come again?
Not for at least another hour.
Hmmmm, most of the good catholic girls I knew were “early bloomers”, which kinda explained why they were good. Except, of course, Mrs. Grampdaddy who remains pure as the driven snow – and we had a lot of that in Upstate NY, when we lived there. Not so much now – snow that is.
I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say.
Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…
I’d have guessed they were Shallots.
Given today’s turn of topic, carrots might be more (un)appropriate.
Cucumbers?
Butternut squash?
Okra?
Parsnips?
White Hominy?
I’ve got a stone… we could make soup!
Uh… do we really want to eat these vegetables? I mean… they…
*Tacosplode!*
What’s so bad about a bunch of phallic-shaped vegetables being plunged into a big, round pot filled with water, getting swirled around and around until they just burst apart?
…
I’ll just go sit quietly in the corner.
Well, eww… TM. Did you see the post? They aren’t supposed to be touched that way.
“Catholic Girls” by Frank Zappa. ‘Bout says it all, don’t it?
She wants to ASAP? And my off? Holy crap, this 5X5 women is insatiable I tell you!
If it’s 5X5 women, that would make her twenty five women. Like a hive. The poor basta who answers this will probably end up being digested in the basement to feed the colony.
Dis is why Bacontini get himself a 6 sided woman. Yes, de octogons, dey are sexy and not part of de hive mind.
But wait, aren’t the structures of hives primarily octagonal*?
*I am using the YSaC definition here, not the… outside world’s definition.
that’s only when we’re talking wasps….
Mudsy: Taco, Windrose and I were talking catholic girls – no white, anglo-saxon, protestants mentioned. How did you get to wasps?
You should consider yourself lucky that I didn’t starts talking about JAPS.
Shalom!
No stings attached?
Bees knees (with red circles).
Entrepreneur alert! Psychic Sex Hot line………
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you!”
So, it’s obscene phone calling, except in this case, the recipients want it to occur?
It would be unnerving.
:ring,ring:
“Um, hello?”
“Yeah,this is the Psychic Sex Hotline. You was having dirty thoughts, so we called you. Let me finish entering your financial details and we’ll get started.”
“But…”
“Don’t worry, you have a good time. Might want to lock your office door next Tuesday, though. You’re wife’s going to be bringing you that lunch you’ll forget.”
For some reason, I am imagining this call placed by someone with an offshore-outsourced accent, e.g., a woman in Bangalore with a Hindi-crossed-with-English accent. Effective, efficient, inexpensive, but with ESL turns-of-phrase that stick in the call recipient’s head long after.
I had a business like that once. But then I realized, I already knew what was going to happen. Just wasn’t profitable for me anymore.
Yeah, I totally saw that gag coming.
I already knew that you would!
I ‘can see’, that you have one more zinger to throw on this.
I forsaw what you did there.
So did we just have a clean, no-touching ‘Event’?
I don’t think we’ve gotten there until somebody tells us to get a room.
Astrognash sits down on a classy green couch in the Snark Lounge, and stares intently at TacoMagic and
Antonio BanderasLimeLolly. He thinks at them, ‘Get a room.‘ as he nonchalantly sips milk from a glass mug he received upon a journey to The Melting Pot on a birthday several years ago.**Hooray for Narrative! And psychic snark!**
Okay, you have a plastic Oscar replica AND a Melting Pot mug? How do you get these things? I want!
There was this really cool heap of stuff outside the Ontario Civic Center…
Well, actually, for the Melting Pot mug, I believe all one has to do is eat at said restaurant and alert them that it is your Born On Date. They will then let you keep the glass mug they set out for you to drink with, as well as take your photo with your dinner party.
Although that may only have been because I was a relatively young child.
No fair! I was there ON my birthday last year! And they knew about it because they asked what the occasion was when I made the reservations! Of course, that was my 26th, so I wasn’t drinking anything from a mug. Everything I drank was served in a martini glass, I guess they don’t let you take those home. But still…no fair! *pouts*
Was this about the solid aluminum miniature martini glass* that you had a vision about on your 19th birthday?
*not better than a giant Lego helmet!
I like the concept of a Physics Sexxx Hot Line better.
So baby, I use Newtons escape velocity equation (Ug = (-Gm1m2)/r) in order to launch a satellite from my body into orbit around yours. I even correct for air drag using a third order differential equation modeling the atmospheric density of my body vs. distance from the core. Velocity peaks and the satellite is ejected.
Oh… blow it out your equal and opposition reaction.
All that friction talk has given me the vapors. Why do I crave a fig newton right now? Babby, you had me at velocity.
Where’s my Ritalin?
Oh, that reminds me, I had cereal this morning, and forgot to get a beverage and take my Concerta…
**scurries off in a rather squirrel-like manner**
I feel like I owe Taco $9.99 for the minute it took me to read that.
And he owes you $42.99 for the hour of nightmares you’re going to have tonight.
How much does he owe her for the years of therapy, though?
A big Rubbermaid tub of vintage cereals and dumpstered cheesy poofs.
… over 40 boy band posters?
If they’re over 40, are they still considered a “boy” band?
We are victims of YSaC syntax.
What’s an orgam? Is that something made out of folded paper? How good and clean does that paper have to be? Any kind of white paper, or a special sterile kind?
Also … you don’t believe in masturbation, but you do think it’s OK for any random guy to come over to your house while your husband is away, and somehow get off but nobody’s going to touch each other? And that’s still OK? What the hell kind of moral/ethical convolutions got you to that point? I totally want to know the
justificationlogic that got you to where you were composing and posting this ad.Ever been Catholic?
Just sayin’.
P.S. I’d apologize for that, but as a recovering Catholic I still have a lot of
well placedmisplaced anger.Nah, Episcopalian. We’re allowed to have a little more fun. 8)
:raises hand:
Raised near a nest of Southern Baptists where everything and anything remotely fun was a rocket sled to hell. (The church was literally across the street from us.) Thank Whomever is in charge of such things that my own parents have a rather laissez faire attitude when it comes to religion.
I grew up around German Baptists. Imagine the no-fun aspect but without the Southern “Amen” enthusiasm. And with anal-retentiveness.
Fortunately, there are multiple clergy in my family, and they all like to dance, play games, watch films unsuitable for children, have a drink, and will occasionally say things they shouldn’t. Human, but still pretty exemplary – and fun to be around. It’s a nice balance to the uptight types who can be mistaken for popsicles (cold, and with sticks in a certain place).
I think “Rocket Sled to Hell” is band name du jour.
Hi.Shalom. I’m Jewish.Yes, but the real question in this context is how frum you are, Astro.
Lola, you don’t need to believe in masturbation. It isn’t like the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus – scientists have proven without a doubt that it exists.
*wonders if this needs a [corey] / [end corey] notation*
Grampdaddy, I am fully aware that it exists and like anything proveable, doesn’t need belief. However, our nitwitted OP … seems to have taken the stance that if she doesn’t like something, then she doesn’t believe it and it doesn’t exist! I wonder if she still plays hide-and-seek by covering her eyes and thinking that because she can’t see the other players, they can’t see her. The logical sophistication is approximately equivalent.
Dear Lola, I’ve only read about it 🙂 – all the scientific studies (of course). I don’t know anyone with direct knowledge of the subject. That would be shocking – simply shocking, I say! I also don’t drink water because I’ve heard that fish copulate in it.
“I’ve got a feeling,
I think it’s fine.
Thought it was your hand,
Turned out it’s mine.”
By the way, my original comment should have had a smiley in it – but you knew, of course, that I was joking…
Autodidacticism on scientific subjects is commendable, Grampdaddy. I admire your commitment to self-enlightenment! 8)
http://www.kokigami.com/
Two words:
‘Paper Cut’
*Hobbles away, whimpering*
Damn – meant to clear up the confusion about ‘orgam’ earlier. It is the combination of a pipe organ and intense sexual satisfaction. When done correctly, the instrument produces high-pitched squeals accompanied by heel-drumming and exhortations to play bass notes “Deeper, Deeper”. For further information, see: “Tube-cleaning” or “Pulling out all the stops”. (Pulling out may be contra-indicated).
If she wants psychic sex, why does he even need to be in the same country as her? As a matter of fact, since she’s such a strong telepath, she could be doing it all day long in front of her husband.. He’d never know. And if he did, she could just wipe the memory from his mind. Actually this goes right down to why does she need to post in Craig’s List at all. Can’t she just broadcast telepathic sex to the world?
Perhaps she’s got telekinetic powers as well, and she’s just going to move some rubbery objects around without touching herself.. SO many unanswered questions!
I’d kinda like the memory of reading that erased.
So. Many. Unpleasant. Images.
So, in order to have safe psychic sex, do you have to wear a diaphram on your head?
It’d be like a little hat. A gross little hat.
A tinfoil one maybe. I hear that’s useful from all my friends who constantly get mind-probed by aliens on UFO’s.
I’ve got one of those! There are these really great plans you can find online!
I would recoment one of these, just to be safe.
SJ & Taco – you are both getting a little scary for Monday morning.
There wasn’t any coffee waiting in the pot this morning. I went an hour and a half without the leveling effect of my dark goddess’s kiss.
Here’s an extra pot, extra black, extra thick (NEVER let the non-coffee drinkers make the coffee). Tuck it away for emergencies. It gets better with time.
*Slices off a hunk of coffee and sprinkles with sugar*
*Crunch Crunch Crunch*
Ohh, extra chunky!
A latex yarmulke? Bad image, very bad image. May require boiling chicken soup/brain bleach.
I doubt if ‘masterbation’ believes in her much, either. But at least she has standards – no sex for clean ‘orgams’ (personally, I’d pay any price to get my orgams clean). I’m intrigued by the concept of ‘luxury women’ – do they come equipped with leather interiors and air conditioning?
Burled walnut inlay and Bose speakers surround sound. She’s a super calassay lady.
Can I get my Luxury Woman with an MP3 jack and individual climate control? How many cup holders does she come with?
What?
“On Star, how may I help you?”
very minty….. IPOD doc’s only
I can’t escape the notion that luxury here is just a euphemism for obscenely large.
You know, like a luxury yacht.
It’s spelled “Raymond Luxury Yacht”, but it’s pronounced “Throat Wobbler Mangrove”!
:clicks stopwatch:
And there’s the MP reference I was waiting for. Bit slower than usual.
Sorry, had to wait for
IssacIsaacIzzy to show up.My suspicions are that it equates to “more money than taste,” for examples of which I refer you to the Hills’ home decor in “Goodfellas.” Or any large home in NJ, really.
I think luxury refers to the fact that she’ll be using fine Corinthian leather.
Maybe she’s an alien. Remember Steven Gutenberg in the swimming pool in “Cocoon”?
I think her fantasy is going to turn into a burst bubble in the worst way. Luxury woman is seeking a mentalistic voyeur?
*do not make a fat joke*
*unable to resist*
It’s like a horrifying episode of ‘World’s Largest Woman’, not X-rated but with major “ick”.
I think I need something a little stronger than coffee this morning.
You’re luxury woman is so fat, her event horizon prevents your touch event!
*Crickets*
Ever heard the one about the gamma burst that walked into the bar?
*Dragged off stage*
Oh c’mon people! Is nobody going to correct my misuse of ‘you’re’?
*Walks to the corner to pout*
I got hear two late this morning. To much banter to catch up on.
Consider you’re event horizon chastised TM….
Taco! How dare you use the wrong “your/you’re” in civilized conversation? Don’t you know where you are?
There. All better now?
Yes, thank you Bridgete. I crave the discipline.
Hmm… that got weird fast.
What, of all the people to forget the time-dilation effects are proportionate to one’s proximity to the event horizon …
You know you need the Schwartzsheild Accessory Table to properly tabulate the HP.
We don’t need an Arnold Schwarzenegger Accessory Table. We just need Laurence Fishburne.
Taco, ewe don’t knead to bee showing anyone yore event horizon. Yule shock the lurkers and scare them away.
YOU SHALL NOT
PASSTOUCH!*Balrog tries to grope Taco but falls into the deep abyss as the feathered tightrope gives way*
*Balrog playfully snaps Taco with his whip on the way down*
That turned out 40% more gay than I anticipated.
Also, I don’t think any of you will be able to watch the Balrog scene ever again without thinking of this. You’re welcome.
Only 40%? You might need to check your CatMath, Gandolf.
(Like watching an eldery gay Englishman being whipped by a flaming, amorphorous figure with horns didn’t already ruin it for me.)
I did intend a certain level of Gay, so I’m thinking my 40% is accurate. But, just to be sure:
Lets see here, Gay = Post + Gay’
Recursive Gay equation substituted in… add Philidelphia. Move all the dishes from the top shelf to the lower shelf… eat the remaining bacon… shred the toilet paper and blame the dog… naptime!
And lets see the answer is… Fanciful Sparkplugs.
You see, clear as day.
“Fanciful Sparkplugs” sounds like a Christopher St. gay bar, where half of it is macho/butchy/leather (sparkplugs) and half of it is unicorn-themed decor (fanciful). In other words, 100% gay.
The sad thing is, only my subconscious was aware of the Philadelphia connection.
Conscious mind: “I need a random city!”
Subconscious: “I’ve got just the random city for you! No connection to being gay AT ALL! By the way, here’s how it’s spelled! (bwehehe)”
And wasn’t there a movie called Philadelphia? Nothing gay about that, it was probably about steel workers or something like that. I can’t remember.
I had fanciful sparkplugs in my Wankel some years back …
And did you spin your own rotor?
Many times; really impressed my friends.
I am SO proud of you!
Thankyou, Taco, for ruining Fellowship for me. On the bright side, I’ve just put a new idea away in my idea jar, for a comic book which is a spoof of LotR, but with all of the regulars here.
I think I know what’s going on here. Have you ever seen that terrible movie Demolition Man? Where Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock engage in cyber sex? There’s no touching involved there, unless you count the headgear they don. So clearly this luxury woman is from the future and wants a man to give her good helmet.
Reference to my favorite movie, ADORE! (Spaceballs, not Demolition Man).
Upon seeing the man disrobe, I can only imagine her response would be, “Ah, I see your schwartz is as big as mine. Now let’s see how well you can handle it!”
Later, during the virtual act, he may call someone on the phone in a state of panic, declaring, “It’s luxury woman! She’s gone from suck to blow!”
The little bit I know of Demolition Man comes from The Lexus and the Olive Tree. What a joy to read. I can’t believe I wasted all of last summer on that thing. I hate you, Thomas L. Friedman.
Spaceballs FTW!
WHAT?!? You went over my helmet?
Yo! I’m surrounded by
asshozomb….*opens industrial-sized vat of brain bleach*
Here y’all….hope it’s enough..
*backs out of room slowly*
That’s not the Rule 34 Productions surplus brain bleach, is it?
That’s the best kind…or at least the most necessary, generally speaking.
In spite of the conceptual issues here, I’m still intrigued as to how she managed to remember apostrophes are necessary yet misplace them both times.
Yeah, but whose gonna notice a thing like that? Nobodies’.
It’s the random quotation mark in YOUR” SELF that I find odd.
She was so excited to find that key next to the key that makes the eyes in smiley faces that she had to try it out a few times, both with and without the shift key, to see what happened. I suspect she was disappointed with the results.
Come and get it boys?
What did I miss?
Probably … nothing.
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I’ve got her boys! The boss is on a roll!
Taco…I know women our age who don’t know the words to Disney songs from our childhood as well as you seem to.*
*Yes, we are about the same age. You mentioned it during my lurking days, so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to be the lurker who popped in just to say, “Hey! Me too!”
We only had 5 channels growing up, so my sister and I were starved of TV choices (And living 5 miles from the closest kid my age, I didn’t have anything better to do). However, we did have a VCR and an extensive library of Disney movies.
Also, my sister was meaner in a fight than I was, so I usually let her run the VCR. The end result is that I can pretty much recite any Disney song word for word, provided that it’s from a “Disney Classic” (which coveres everything animated up to Brother Bear if memory serves)
Ah, that makes sense. And I think you’re right about the “classics” designation, although I haven’t seen any of the ones after Pocahontas. Well, wait…where is Mulan on the timeline?
Maybe she’s serving dinner as well.
*picturing a large steel triangle hanging from a tree*
Chuck-it-up wagon style!
Her pièce de résistance is ringing the triangle without touching it.
Oh… how tantric of you Happy Feet!
Anyone else think “ringing the triangle” should be a euphemism?
Just me?
I’ll just be hoping back down into the gutter, then.
Tonight at the 40 Watt: Rocket Sled to Hell, performing their latest single, “Ringing the Triangle” (note: Banned in Boston).
Hope all you want, SJ, but I don’t think there’s any recovery from this post.
Anyone ever heard of the theremin? Pretty sure it’s the main instrument in RStH; it’s an actual instrument played without any physical contact. Seriously. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ptq_N-gjEpI&feature=related
Thanks for the new monicker, mudslicker! It’s an honor to receive one.
Lola and I had an in depth discussion on the theremin a few months ago, actually.
I also helped build one in my high school circuitry course for our mid-term.
PenCon,
+elebentybillion adores and internets for theremin reference. 🙂
I wasn’t thinking of them as a theremin-based band, per se, but think it’s a brilliant idea.
No way! A theremin-versed community is one I can definitely -vibe- with. And Lola, I was hoping someone would come up with PenCon. It insinuates so much more nerdiness than does PC–which is, basically, way too political for me.
You’re welcome. And now I am imagining a penguin convention. Not one of actual penguins, of course, but people dressed up as such (“That’s supposed to be an emperor penguin costume? It looks like a killer whale,” etc.) and attending talks and films and buying and selling penguin-related stuff. And talking about them very, very avidly and very, very seriously.
If the cast of Happy Feet was there, along with Morgan Freeman, I’d go. Danny DeVito might keep me away, though.
Where do I sign up for PenCon? Can’t afford Comic Con San Diego this year, so I have an opening on my social calendar. 8)
Honey, this would be a good place to plug the Tom Swift 100th Anniversary con, also in San Diego, that we’ll be attending the week before Comic-Con.
Well, Sweetness, I would, except you beat me to it. Isn’t there a url we should throw out now?
Capital suggestion!
http://www.tomswiftenterprises.com/
True story: My mother and I made matching penguin costumes for Halloween one year. I was sixteen. It went over well with my peers.
This year’s PenCon will be held in [location] on May elebentieth. I hope you all can make it! There will be Japanese Wall Mount Pinball Machines for all to enjoy.
Last penguin convention i was invited to had too many people dressed as Linux boxes . . .
I have yearned for coffee; I have ached for coffee, I’ve craved, desired, shuddered, longed, cozened, even pined while o’er a fjord (wishing it had been a half-a-pint-of-wine and not all those tiny,stout, norse beers).
But, never, ever, not once at all have I been so bad off that “this” was the solution.
Which is as germane to the OT as Sparkie is to reality. nanna-nanna-bu-bu!
Hey, look, the post I made at 1123 on 21 June!
Saw it, read it.. wasn’t sure of the direction. If you were depressed, I was going to offer you that wine. If you were pensive.. I would have offered you a notebook. But I thought you were craving coffee… and I didn’t have any left in the carafe. Sorry 🙁
There is nothing a random man just watching me can do that an off-balance washing machine can’t do better
Damn straight!
Everytime my washer gets off-balance, I have to sit on it to hold it down. That’s the only time doing laundry gives me a smile.
But, the question is whether she considers sitting on an off-balance washing machine a “self-induced event.”
Hey. Wait. I know I replied to something about a “self-induced event”. Where’d it go?
Good question.
I inserted a comment, slightly off-topic on coffee, and it vanished, too.
Should not have heard that snippet with “all you Zombies, show your fac
What’s really weird is I know I replied to LimeLolly’s comment, and this is the right place, but the comment seems to have changed. And since I read the comment, I’m assuming it should have been past the editable stage. Ah well.
Zombies are to blame. They can change comments without touchi
It is a clear, warm summer evening. The two women lurk in the parking lot, checking out the men’s “packages” as they enter the building. In order to protect their privacy, the names of the two women have been changed.
“Limel…” umm, “Lemoncandy”: “OMG!, Look at the size of the bundle that one’s got! You think he’ll try to stuff it all in?
“Ke…” (nuts, use a different name!) Ah, um, – “StemtoSternCarnation”: Nah, it would never fit – he must have over a dozen towels there. Oooh, but look over there – that one has a bedspread and a comforter, and he’s headed for the ‘oversize load’ machines. This just might be my turn to get lucky!”
“Lemoncandy”: “I can’t wait any longer, I’ve got to find a great big hard one that’s ready to spin….”
(Both enter the ‘Laundromat of Iniquity’ and begin to explore the forbidden machines. They become damp with the humidity pouring from the dryers…)
“StemtoSternCarnation” – “I’m taking this one – it’s filled with pillows, is ready to spin, and then has an extra rinse scheduled! I’m SO glad I decided to come tonight! Look Lemon, that one is about to tear itself off the floor, and it’s all yours!”
We leave the ladies with delighted screams of “Ooh, Downy! Softer! Softer! Aggh!, I’ve got to have more Downy! Ummm, deep down softness…., Bleach me, baby!” ringing in our ears.
*quietly leaves room to go “sort laundry”*
OMG! It’s a Not.A.Grampdaddy.!
Where?! Where?!
Right there, running down that dark alley in the Nixon mask!
My *fantasy* come true.
Except, I prefer Bounce…
Lemonc…. Ah, Limelolly – I prefer a Bounce on a regular basis, too. Nothing like a good Bounce to take out the wrinkles.
I love that Grampdaddy comes up with this stuff on a regular basis, and yet is allowed to teach unsuspecting primary schoolers. Heh!
Shhhh! Shhhh! Don’t tell anybody!
“From the mouths of babes” . . .
“… the investigators gather their evidence.”
You shouldn’t have used Downy, Not.A.Grampdaddy. Because the part of my psyche fondly referred to as Steph’s Inner Fangirl put an E between the N and the Y and ended up with Robert Downey Jr. That made a reeeeeeeeally… strange… laundromat scene.
I’m going to go sit over here now.
*Hubby comes home early from trip*
Hubby – “Honey, I’m … What is this? Are you…Are you not touching someone else?”
*Psychic Sex Moron jumps up from couch, looking very shocked.Anonymous Craigslist Idiot hops up from recliner located across the room.*
PSM – “Darling, it’s not what it doesn’t look like! He means nothing to me! You know you’re the only man I’ve ever not touched!”
Hubby – *overly dramatic “How I wish I could belive that. Or understand it.”
PSM – “It’s that doll I bought on eBay! It’s…it’s cursed! Possessed! It’s making me do awful things…” *Breaks down weeping* “I…I want you to wave to me, darling, wave to me like you used to! Wave to me like you never have before!”
ACI – “I’ll just let myself out, then.”
Man, we’re getting all 1420’s drama in here!
I disagree. I say it’s more 1570’s drama. From what I’ve read, it seems like Elizabeth I was the only one from the Fall of Rome to Now who kept her hands to herself.
There is some doubt that the “Virgin Queen” actually kept her hands to herself. But due to the sketchy information of that era, we’ll never know if any or all of her flotilla of admirers managed to Dethrone the Queen.
Hehe… you said flotilla
I miss The Tudors already. *sigh*
In the next episode she gets stoned for flashing her ankles at an unmarried man.
Don’t toy with me sarajean. There is no next episode. *sniffle*
[corey-ish] After her wicked stepsister Bloody Mary died, she ruled for decades during what is termed “The Golden Age” and she never had to ride in a pumpkin ever again. [/corey-ish]
Exactly, one of the longest-reigning monarchs for the UK until Vicky wanders along.
Liked the “visitation of Wives past” they worked into that last episode as a plot device.
That doll! She does love her water sports…
My fellow-YSaC-reader friend and I decided (somehow?) that she was the mortal prison of the Korean Joan of Arc, and that it was our duty to free her. To do so, I took a picture of the ad with my phone and sent it to him. She now gets swapped every couple of days.
Where we come up with these things, I have no idea…
It’s the doll! The Power of The Doll compels you!
Or it’s just really funny. You pick.
Ooh, ooh, was driving along minding my own business (like I always do), having gone to the bank when I noticed a house as I drove home. Front porch was very clean, and very empty. Except for one thing.
There was a doll, sitting on the front porch.
Now, the thing that caught my eye was that there was nothing there. no birds, no plants, looked like even the bugs were scared off. Which was a downright spooky thing to notice.
(Even if that’s just the foreclosure deamon lurking on the porch creating a lifeless zone–equally spooky, if for less macabre reasons.)
That’s a new way to get back at the bank for forclosing.
“Ok, we’ll leave the house spotless and in good repair. But, you’ll have real problems if you try to move this haunted sex doll. Enjoy.”
Captain, if you see any Not.A.Lions., a Lacawates Valtrus-Suka, or a lifesize cutout of Bea Arthur, lock all your doors, and start holding a seance. Ask for Rod Serling.
So, if there’s no touching, can she still be considered “master of her domain?”
Disturbing. Very disturbing. Why am I picturing Gilbert Gottfried standing an inch away from her face yelling, “I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU!”over and over again while luxury woman just sits there…and does nothing I guess???
Sounds like the arguments I would have with my sister on those eternal road trips every vacation began and ended with.
“She’s touching me!”
“No I’m not!”
“Yes you are, you’re on my side of the seat! That’s the same thing!”
“No it’s not! I’m not anywhere near the line!”
“What’s this! It’s your shoe! You put it on my side on purpose!”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“Mom! She’s breathing my air!”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
Thank goodness we finally got that van with the two bench seats or one of us probably would have ended up dead in a ditch somewhere.
That sounds like whatever happens whenever I sit on the same couch as my sister.
Now, bear in mind, we actually do have (mostly because of this) a rule that when it’s just us two, we are to keep to our own half of the couch.
We were fine when we were not confined into a tiny area together. At one point Dad had to use a piece of duct tape to divide up the back seat of the Pinto, which is when we devolved to the “She’s breathing my air!” stage.
(I read that and feel really old now.)
OMG — do you live at my house SJ? I didn’t even know it.
I’m thinking about using tape to break up the upstairs from the downstairs (works well except we have a catwalk across the family room. This is usually where the “you’re breathing my air” or “you’re thinking about looking at me” takes place.).
“You’re thinking about looking at me” and similar utterances make me glad I am an only child, even at my advanced decreptitude.
Ah, Lola. I knew there’s a reason I like you. Only children unite!*
*Okay. I have half-sisters, with whom I have a great relationship, but neither one ever lived with me. Our dad didn’t have shared custody (which, thinking back, was probably ridiculous; he was, and still is, an excellent father), so they didn’t even have a room at the house. So, basically, I grew up in an only-child house, and have trouble thinking of myself as anything else, until I mention “my sister” and people say “huh?”
Bridgete – only children unite!
… ‘Cause otherwise, we’re on our own. 😉
Totally OT, but I just heard The Zombies on the radio & thought of all of you. I think you’ve gotten my brai
Let us know when you hear Hypno Dog on radio station 97.never!
ALL HAI……
Train of thought…
Zombie Song –> Re: Your Brains –> Now my earworm…
All we wanna do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable,
I mean no-one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we wanna do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here,
Maybe we should compromise.
Open up the door,
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains.
😀
Now I’ve got a mixture of “Feeding my Frankenstein” and “Zombie on Your Lawn” rattling around in my brain.
Well I ain’t undead, I’m just a bit rotten,
I’m a little hungry, and looking at your noggin,
I’m a hungry man
But I don’t want batter
I’ll open up your head
And eat your gray matter!
Eating all your brains
before the dawn
Eat your Cerebellum
Till you’re Medulla’s gone!
Feed my Zombie Lawn!
Meet my mower
He’s a Vampire!
Feed my Zombie Lawn!
Hungry for brains
And it’s mulching time!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30V-92zSkJA
I love myself.
I want you to love me.
When I’m feeling down,
I want you above me.
I don’t touch myself.
When I think of you, I don’t touch myself.
errrmmm, should I say, “thank you”?
“COME AND GET IT BOYS!!!!”
For some reason this line made me think of Granny Clampett.
So now you can all have that image rattling around in your head for a while.
You’re welcome.
Clampett? But I just met it.
Can you Clampett without touching it? Therin lies the rub.
(um, wait, that’s out too.)
I have to share this with you people, as it seems to be the coolest business practice I’ve seen from an online store recently.
I ordered something off Ebay earlier this week from one of the Ebay based stores that flood the site anymore. Got a good price and the seller had very positive feedback. Not only did the seller keep me updated on the status of the order (Let me know when it was packaged, and then shipped, as well as a tracking number) BUT they also took a picture of my package prior to shipping and emailed it to me! Granted it’s something you could easily fake, but really most people scamming you wouldn’t go to the effort.
Holy crap! If more small internet companies did this it would be no bad thing. Not only do I have a small reason to believe that there is actually a package coming (you never know with Ebay), but I’ll also know what to look for when it arrives.
OT: Geez, I take a weekend off to attend a Crawdad Festival (motto “suck heads and pinch tails”) and return to find I’ve missed some important YSaC moments. To wit:
700th Post: Yay!
Capn’s Birthday: Belated salutations, kind sir, and may your flowing verbiage continue to grace YSaC for years to come!
Father’s Day: Truly a wonderful day to remember the important men in our lives. Grandpa Eyebrows enjoyed a homemade blackberry pie and ice cream, and Mr. Eyebrows enjoyed homemade Bloody Marys. Both men noted that they had raised their respective progeny with the correct perspectives in life.
As for today’s post, a cold martini appears to be in order. Maybe two. And not psychic ones.
Where was this festival? I missed our local one in NW Louisiana, and… okay… I had not really been paying attention… but well, I hate cooking my own mudbugs.
This one would have been a rather long drive for you, LL. It was in Northern California. The most popular booth (next to the crawdads) was selling fried alligator and jambalaya. The crawdads were excellent and good-sized. I make better jambalaya and have had MUCH better in your neck of the woods. Our friends had the smoked turkey legs booth, and they are heaven on a drumstick!
Dang, you were in Isleton this weekend? You could have thrown a rock and hit me.
That would have been one helluva throw. It moved this year from Isleton up north to Red Bluff. They had a lot of the same things and tried to keep the same atmosphere, but Red Bluff is not.a.delta.town and there’s a different crowd further north. Not sure how it will do in years to come. I fear the flavor of Isleton and the history that went into the festival will be lost.
Edit: Would have been fun to toss a crawdad at ya, tho! 🙂
OK – there has been much discussion and use of the word ‘masturbation’ here today. What I would like to know is this: Is there a higher level to which one can strive, such as ‘PhD-urbation?
If there is… will you be taking the classes?
and that was your straight line… in case you missed it.
How’s your allergies?
Nah, I’m a drop-out. Bad enough paying off Sallie-Mae loans for a skill I can use…
Oh, and allergies? – I’m sneezing my head off.
(and that’s YOUR straight line. :>) )
I psychically saw that. Ask your doctor about Nixonex.
*for those times you sneeze your di…..head off.*
I’d be much, much, much, mouch more worried about the machinations of the defense of the dissertation.
The wrinting in blue book form not so much as the marginalia
The requirements of defense/demonstration before a committee almost as daunting as the invitations (“Pardon me, Professor, I need a Chair for my committee…”)
Are you saying there would be ‘show and tell’?
The worst part is that in my field, a thesis or dissertation must demonstrate new knowledge to the field.
“So… what can you show us that’s new?”
*Drops pants*
“Nope, sorry, seen it.”
Don’t know if Accident will ever come back for his/her punch, but I’ll keep it for that day. Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Upstate New York!
*Starts shaking*
No YSaC to go with coffee. Body going into withdrawal syndrome.
Taco – You just can’t win this week. I can help you make coffee (that I don’t drink), but YSaC ……………….
Am I the first to notice this? But she never said she wouldn’t touch him.
I’m a guy without a phd in medicine, so pardon me if I’m a bit unimaginative, but: how can it get her off to get him off?
Maybe it’s just me, but masturbation isn’t really a thing to believe in*. It’s an action, something you can do. I mean I’ve seen some needy people in my life, but I’m quite sure none of them is actually worshipping a wet pussy or an erected dick.
*What is it with those people anyway, who say they don’t believe in something that actually exists, but believe in a fictional old guy in the clouds who was bored one day and then set up this oversized trainset?
Doesn’t exist? Prove it. And you know what else doesn’t exist? Your tolerance.
yeah, sorry. can’t be bothered…