YSaC, Vol. 671: And it’s only 30 minutes drive from R’lyeh!
This may be the least suckingist thing we have ever posted. But it’s too awesome not to share with the world.
$1900 / 2br – WALLS DRIP WITH BLOOD, OVERPOWERING STENCH OF DEATH +nice view
Walls drip with blood, overpowering stench of death. High (14′) ceilings, MBR with sleeping loft, private library (books not included), 3 custom tile baths. Screams of the tormented & undead echo through the hills & waft thru the patio doors at night. Commercial kitchen with stainless freestanding sink & commercial range. Weird Gorgoroth thing in basement will suck the souls out of children & bury them in jars under the house, unless you leave peanut butter out for it to eat at night. Amazing top of hills view with patio doors in almost every room. Laundry machines, refrigerator, appliances all included in rent. Norwegian Satanic grindcore zombies frequently appear on the patio, but are easily frightened away with flashlights if they bother you.
* cats are OK – purrr
* dogs are OK – wooof
Just…. wow.
Thanks for sending this along, David!
This.Is.Awesome. My dolly will simply adore her new home! I can see a perfect spot for my sheep-throne, and the magical couch will go over here, and…oh, this is so exciting!
She’ll love it so much, she’ll tie you up and spank you.
Talk about excitement!
And the jars, do not forget the jars . . .
Does it use the baby jars?
Weird Gorgoroth thing in basement will suck the souls out of children & bury them in jars under the house, unless
Which explains why used babby jars are up in price to 18 Mo as of yesterday
CJ, you may have something there.
This looks alot like a new short-run Fox TV series.
Plot:
Dolly hooks up with Gorgoroth founder Infernus until they have a falling out when Infernus wants her to move into the closet with him, which makes her very angry.
Infernus throws a red table at Dolly and Dolly smacks Infernus with an unblubler which they find to their mutual satisfaction and reconnect.
CJ sits on the patio in her sheep-throne reading to the zombies from the empty library untill her flashlight runs out…
Meanwhile, Dolly and Infernus ‘discover’ how babby is formed and Infernus no longer wants anything to do with her.
Infernus sits on the magical couch and suddenly forms an all accordian band.
CJ learns gerberts are ok – soyyylent
and begins to make a killing on CL.
I had a ‘hardcore’ Goth chick and her Goth friend (might have been emo, I can’t tell them apart really) pull up beside me in their hardcore Toyota Tercel at a traffic light on Monday. They pulled ahead of me and I noticed, written in large, black, Gothic font, the following decal in the back window: “Legion of Doom”.
I laughed so hard I nearly threw up.
For those who don’t understand why: Legion of Doom.
Not really sure what made me think of that.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA. I actually met The Legion of Doom, btw. Unmasked. (EDIT: I should clarify that this was at a comic convention, and they were getting “snackies” between staging play fights in the main hall).
I pulled into the RoFo (Royal Farms=a 7/11esque chain store) at the end of my street yesterday (classy location to live at, I know). Next to me was a guy giving me the “eyes”. He was in a 96 Celica with faded out red paint. As I got out, I saw the hood.
In hand painted lettering: a large “forked tail” like squiggle, with “WWSD?” and “What Would Satan Do?” underneath (as if you need clarification). I could not stop laughin. I think he was offended.
I ate lunch with Skeletor and a Stormtrooper once. I’m bringing my friggin camera next time I go to Gen Con.
It would have been more awesome had I worn my Willy Wonka costume.
I am pretty sure I met the exact “Black Spidey” from the previous ad. We were front and center for a costume contest, and as he took the stage, an extremely awkward hush came over the crowd. Even the mc didn’t know what to say to the obviously free-balling attendee in front of him.
Note I said Front. And. Center. I was sooo glad I packed my eye bleach!!!
“…had I worn my Willy Wonka costume.”
And now I have a man crush on you, TM.
I just wish I had Gene Wilder’s hair. Instead I’ve got a nice shiny skin cap surrounded by straight, dark brown hair. I either wig it, or people mistake me for attempting the newer, lesser Wonka.
Oh, and the hardest damn thing to find is something similar to that vest he wears. The velvet suit jacket is bad enough, but that damn vest took forever.
Willy Wonka?
No, I think it says Rompe Monte on Satan’s banner there.
So which one was Cheetah and which one was Giganta? You would think Lex would have sprung for something a little nicer than a Tercel for the Legion to use for grocery store runs and such. Even the evildoers need milk and tp you know.
I think they must of been Lex’s nieces. They looked neither diabolical nor super villainy. They looked more vacant, with a splash of black.
Addendum:
My evil organization would totally have either a huge gas guzzling SUV (Take that Captain Planet!), or a hearse.
Either that or we’d make like Dr. Strangelove and ride a bomb to the store.
Just don’t forget your pre-flight checks:
“Survival kit contents check. In them you’ll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.”
That’s awesome!!! Someone needs to make that decal in a comic-book-y font…
Let’s try:
well, that was useless.
How about
Flashlights for zombies. Why didn’t I think of that? Now where did I leave my flas
Don’t do it, it’s a trap! The flashlight does noth
“Flashlights for Zombies” is today’s new band na
“Contact Ms. C. Thulu for an appointment to view the building”.
In other words, Windrose.
Love it.
THAT’S what the empty baby jars are for! Now the gorgoroth in the basement can restock and be ready to suck the souls out of more children. Excellent!
I know of a freezer with a lock on it that can keep them mostly slushy.
Tonight only! “Slushy Babies” opening for “Books not Included” wish special guest Gorgoroth!
Were you joking, or were you aware that there actually IS a band named Gorgoroth?
Ha! I did NOT know that. Now I do. Bonus points for inadvertent real band reference???
We’ll have the doll over there shortly to provide you with your complimentary spanking and water sport… *eyes tear up*
Wahhhhh!
*Runs from the room*
Combined with this ad, today’s “Don’t Suck” box implies that Nadya *is* Gorgoroth …
The blood from the walls can be channeled out to the veggie patch, and a few vanilla candles will remove the stench in no time. The basement is perfect for storing the gerberts and babbys in jars.
Important to note: it says “patio doors in almost every room.” That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re actually attached to an opening that leads to the patio though, does it? I’m catching on to this Sparky speak. I bet there are piles of patio doors, for sale free if you take them. Added bonus – some may drip blood – also free!
Or, as I’ve been confused with many times over my lifetime, doors that opened on to…nothing. Just doors. You know, in case YOU wanted to put in the effort to build that patio on. Or in case, you know, you wanted to put up a sign that said “Bathrooms, through doors” and watch hilarity ensue.
Given the amount of low density fiber board (particle board) they left visible in the ceiling there, I’d imagine that patio doors were simply the cheapest door available and installed them as both external and internal doors.
Talk about evil. I bet they even used haunted particle board and patio doors of doom!
With the random, free blood dripping you would think they would have gone with a different paint scheme for the walls. White seems like it would be harder to clean.
I wonder what they use to clean those walls, they’re still really white even after all the blood. Maybe the poultergeist is new. After spraying blood everywhere he feels really bad and then cleans up.
Well when it comes to evil forces taking over my home, I do prefer mine with just a hint of OCD.
Really? I prefer mine with a hint of cilantro.
Did anyone every get the “Highlights” magazines when you were a kid? I feel like I am in one of those “find these items” pages and I am very excited because I found the cowboy hat!
Really, what is a cowboy hat doing in the “altar” (or whatever the heck it is with a crucifix on top) photo?
I really want to know.
I don’t know about you, but Rompe Monte is my favorite card game. Better even than two card.
It’s an altar-slash-coat and hat rack…the cowboy hat is actually hanging on a pair of bedazzled deer hooves.
Maybe they were trying to set a curse on Garth Brooks?
A pox on you, singer of “The Thunder Rolls”!!!
Party on, Garth!
This house is evil. Ee-ville, like the fru-its of the de-ville.
Ee-ville.
“I’ve got friends in low places,
Where the blood flows,
And a flashlight chases zombies away
Cats and dogs – ok
(Wooof purrr)”
“I’m not much for living faces
Think I’ll slip on down
to the CURSED places
Ohhhhh, I’ve got frrrriiiends
In low low low low lowwwwwww (like six feet under) loowwww
plaaaaacesssss”
Actually, I prefer the classic Van Halen song, “Rooming with the Devil.” Because clearly that is what you would be doing by living here.
Are *chinchillas OK – coooooo ?
What about *lemurs – frink?
Or *rabbits – bock bock bock bock?
Or *not.a.lions – grrrrrrrrrrr?
That view photo kind of looks like it could have been taken in my hometown. If so, this could explain rather a lot … *hums “Blue Velvet”*
Pfft, that shrine or whatever is not hardcore goth or scary. C’mon, I live in a neighborhood with stores for Santeria supplies.* You’re gonna have to get up earlier in the morning than this to impress the neighborhood orixas.
*For real. Right next to the drycleaner and the semi-convenient store.
You see a shrine, I see an Onyx Golem with a Mr. T and Carmen Miranda complex.
True: I read this comment and my brain thought Carmen Electra, not Carmen Miranda. Scary, hilarious, or both?
*refills smug with coffeeverystrong*
I like the idea of a dry cleaner next to that store.
“Stubborn goat blood won’t come out of your sacrificial robes? Chicken feathers all over your good worship slacks? Come in during Santeria Saturday!”
“Clothes so clean, you’ll think we did it with magic!”
There’s a fried chicken place on that block, too, which doesn’t bear thinking about. It’s a weird part of the neighborhood. I looked at an apartment there, but didn’t take it (not because of the santeros, but because the landlords had freakishly retentive rules). I think the people-watching could be interesting, though.
Oh, Lola.
You grew up in Lumberton?
I’m not sure if that answers or opens more questions.
It does explain the flask though.
*My flask has an etch of an not.a.deer.*
Cath. D. instead of I. Ross. as Dorothy?
Hhhmmm, possibilities.
**better brush up on my French
Lumberton? Er, no …
Call the realtor; her number’s in the book. The Necronomicon, that is.
Ia! Ia! Cthulu fthagn!
In this case, the Necrotelecomnicon may be a better choice.
Is necrotelecomm when your phone or TV go dead?
Necrotelecom:
When zombies call (or text).
“Let your dead fingers do the walking?”
“Let your dead fingers do the walking?”
Their spokesghoul: The Addams Family’s Thing.
Zombies don’t text well.
It always comes out looking like Taco’s mug typing.
hb4qa9hnws!
All hail Bruce Campbell!
Klaatu Verata, what?
Klaatu Verata Nicotine. 8) Even the aliens have a hard time quitting.
The second time in 5 minutes that I’ve seen a R’lyeh reference. Someone just tried to establish a Waymarking (Geocaching) location for it.
I need to get off the ‘net.
Fun fact:
Historically (I’ve kept track) GeoHashing coordinates in my graticule have a 78% chance of being on a farm. It’s actually a nice change of pace when the coordinates end up in a Walmart parking lot.
At the bar of the damned:
Hey there.
Oh, hi.
Come here often?
Nah, first time.
Me too. What do you do?
I possess a porcelain doll with a sexually sadistic nature. I interact with people physically, along with psychically, which can be brutally painful, but always ends with tremendous carnal pleasure.
Wow.
What about you?
I haunt a 2 bedroom house with a nice view. I suck the souls out of children & bury them in jars under the house.
Cool.
Yeah, unless they give me peanut butter.
Wait, what? Like bloody peanut butter or peanut butter of the damned?
Nope. Just peanut butter.
Is it at least crunchy peanut butter?
You’re sick. That s*$t’s nasty.
I gotta go…
End times and pickup lines at the Innsmouth Inn.
Zombie Pickup Lines:
“You must be smart because your brains taste great!”
“If being tasty was a crime, you’re brains would be locked up!”
“I’d like to rearrange the alphabet and put your brains and me together.”
“If I said you had a beautiful brain would you put it in my mouth?”
“Let me take a load off your mind by eating it.”
“Braaaaaiiiiinsss.”
Is there any wonder why they never have dates?
ooh ooh…I’ve got my bag of ice ready for my punching!
Taco: can i borrow your Vaseline so I can get my head through the doorway?
Hehe…..
That’s what he said.
Well, never mind then*.
*ewww-ness factor*
Sorry, my brain has been very HHNF this week.
You mean stuck in a squirrel costume and duct-taping Graham on parts unknown in Soviet Russia? Like that?
[real estate corey] Spärki lists this a two bedroom unit, but also with three baths, then teases us with a “loft” over the “MBR”*.
So, which is it? The “master” bedroom plus a loft; two regular bedrooms and a loft; or what? Wondering if those “custom tile” baths are indoors or out, and “half” baths besides.
“Commercial kitchen”? It this a former garret restaurant?
Commercial kitchens are not for the faint of heart or foodies, either. Commercial dishwasher is a rack that slides from a rinsing hose station to a steam box. It does not have automatic cycles or a “delay” button for the middle of the night. Commercial kitchens have a floor drain with a removable grate over the strainer so you can clean the oorts and leavings out at the end of the shift. Not for the weak-of-wallet either, not with 20-30,000 cfm exhaust hoods running, gas-fired griddles, always-on ovens and the like consuming NG by the therm. (Can you tell I’ve had this conversation before?)
[/corey]
______________
*MBR=AmEx, probably comes with more than a loft
MBR=Monthly buisness Review probably depends on if it is a “retreat”
MBR=Master Boot Record, well, that just don;t make no sense.
MBR=Master Bed Room is probably meant; as Master Bath Room with a loft would be quite strange, even when you are strange, strange
[LoTR-Corey]Gorgoroth… that’s not a monster. It’s a plain in central Mordor.[/LoTR-Corey]
I hear it’s nice there in the summer since the fall of Sauron, though.
I don’t know. Last time I was there I got a massive orc hoard all over my best swimsuit.
Really? When was the last time you went? The Health Board went in in ’08, and they’ve made some major improvements. The staff haven’t even brutally massacred any hobbits for years.
Hey, just noticed “grindcore zombies”?
Would that be the musical genre ‘grindcore’ or the Transformers Grindcore out on the patio?
Or is that an undead Shia Labeouf crooning in norwegian–
Walls would run read after the amok time with a chainsaw if so . . .
*sounds of vocalist warming up*
To the tune of Carolina in The Morning:
Nothing could be finer than to wake in ol’ R’lyeh
In the morning!
Yog-Sothoth will cuddle up while Hastur keeps the Shoggie pups
From Spawning!
Where the cultist’s innards
Wind around my door,
Depicting scary stories
I shut my eyes once more.
Strolling with my honey while he sucks the souls from whiney
nerds and gamers,
Hoping that the stars are right so we can get some sleep tonight
Til dawning.
If I had a Lovecraft Book for only a day,
I’d read it quick, then lock it away!
Nothing could be finer than to wake in ol’ R’lyeh
In the morning! (BIG FINISH!)
**Dancing women in bathing suit things with those feathery snake-looking things about their shoulders and elaborate feather headdresses come out and do big kicks and glorious arms motions to a sort of Jazz number and 42 zombie ninjas in Groucho Marx glasses emerge in a puff of smoke, and do the Charleston, but with JAZZ HANDS.**
Or wait, was that not the kind of big finish you were going for?
I spy The Flying Spaghetti Monster…
-bows- All hail his noodley honor!
http://www.goominet.com/unspeakable-vault/
I admittedly own a copy of The Gospel of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Most interesting work I’ve read in a long time. Not sure what that says about me.
You know sooner or later there’s bound to be the one roommate that ruins it all.
“Hey guys, great news! You know that overwhelming stench of death? All fixed. It turns out ha ha ha… Turns out there was a dead snake in the love seat…”
Today’s Score (Day 1):
One misspelling (Poultergeist for Poltergeist) -10.0 (judges ruling that misspelling was not an intentional play on words – see: urban dictionary definition of “poultergeist”)
One instance of your/you’re confusion -10.00
Total: -20.00
You missed the “must of”.
How has no one stumbled upon a Craigslist ad for Zombie Removing Flashlights yet? It sounds like the start to a much less awesome Bill Murray movie.
Who ya gonna call?
If there’s something strange
In your neighborhood
Whatcha gotta buy?
NEW FLASHLIGHTS!
A weird Gorgoroth?
It’s misunderstood.
It won’t eat the kids,
FOR PEAAAANUT BUTTER!
I miss out on all the good snark these days! I’ve been super busy with work so I haven’t had time to keep up, but I have been reading. Thanks guys, for keeping me laughing and looking like a crazy person 🙂
Tell the truth… one of you guys wrote this. It’s so perfectly snarktastic, I just know it was you.
Of course that could be the rum talking too.
I wish I could take credit for it…but alas…’twas not I.
Hi there, I’m the person who submitted the ad :).
Yes, it is real. Los Angeles, California does have some unusual characters :). I was nostalgic for my old home in Los Angeles and was checking out the real estate prices on craigslist when I saw this, and immediately said, “My God, this HAS to go on YouSuckAtCraigslist!”
But I hesitated for a long time before submitting it, because, well, it really is a great ad. It will attract those who would appreciate the property and scare those to death who would not.
The house is in the eastern Hollywood Hills in an outstandingly expensive area of Los Angeles, California. Rent, alas, is reasonable for the area.
Glad everyone enjoyed the submission … I’m glad I sent it in, and I’m pleased you made an exception for an ad that really didn’t “suck” in the traditional sense.
David
So, Mudsy, Any last words before I punch you? No? Not.A.Lion got your tongue? 8) Punchity punch punch!
G’Night, Arkham!
I was prepared. I put on my Michelin man costume.
G’Night Rompe Monte!
Unfortunately, I don’t think this qualifies as sucking. This is awesome. 😀
Hence the “possibly awesome” tag.
*Beckons Illonax toward today’s post.*