YSaC, Vol. 666: The power of Craigslist compels you.
This one is actually from eBay, but people suck there as well so I thought I could include it here. It’s after the jump because it’s a little bit graphic.
(Sorry for the late post…drmk’s at a conference, and I just noticed she can’t count to 14 – Dan)
(Oops. Sorry. -drmk)
Haunted Seductrist Sadistic Ruthless Porcelain Doll
Last chance to own this beautiful haunted doll! *BEWARE
This is a larger (about 16 inches high), beautiful, bisque porcelain doll. The doll was found 7 years ago, in an abandoned barn where ritualistic satanism was performed on a regular basis. She is haunted by a demon whose sexually sadistic nature tends to be very rough, sometimes outright ruthless. This doll can actually interact with you physically, along with psychically, which can be brutally painful, but always ends with tremendous carnal pleasure. She has a specific trigger, which awakens her every time, and tells her you’re ready. I’ll tell you by email, just ask. She has several severe sexual fetishes, which include asphyxiation, water sports, and media fetishes to both latex and leather. I can’t go into detail here, but this doll is sexually barbarous, and wickedly exhausting. She is active in other ways as well, she undresses and moves herself often, moans, screams, and sometimes changes the tv channels to xxx rated shows, even if you don’t subscribe to any. She will become dangerously angry if you try to lock her away, or put her somewhere she can’t see people, so please use extreme caution. Must be at least 18 years old and mentally competent to bid. I’ll ship anywhere.
I mean, who wouldn’t want a sexually sadistic porcelain doll that’s potentially possessed by Satan? I bet you that your mother-in-law would visit a LOT less if you had this doll around … or possibly more; I guess it depends on your mother-in-law’s particular proclivities, doesn’t it?
Thanks for the submission, Paul!
My friend Chuck is VERY interested…
Hey! I see a resemblance.
Chucky XI: Cross-Dressed to Kill
Doesn’t Chucky already have a girlfriend?? Oh man, is that bad news!
OT: Some guy thought Chucky 2 was a great first date with me. It was the last and only date.
Ugh, I feel for you. I got taken to Saw.
(Great movie, but fiendishly clever disemboweling does not a great date movie make.)
Exactly.. it makes going out to eat afterward pretty… disconcerting to say the least.
I am not a horror or chick flick on the first date kinda gal. Means the guy absolutely did not pay attention to the things I shared about myself. So therefore, he is a moron. Luckily, I married a guy that does a reasonable imitation of listening. 🙂
If that was the only date you’ve ever had, better make another pitcher of margaritas . . .
Nyet good Cap’n, nor was it the worse I’ve ever had.
But it is Friday and I’m on vacation next week, so fill ‘er up!
First actual date with TacoMa’am was “James Bond: Die Another Day” We started snarkin on the movie about halfway through… it was awesome in a horrible date movie kinda way.
*holds out gallon mug for drink*
What the heck.
I’m on vacation next week too.
Another Christmas present out of the way!!!
You always get me the nicest things, Colleen.
It’s the perfect companion to last year’s antique Crisco.
I apologize ahead of time for the following:
I’ve got a Demon doll covered in Crisco and nowhere to shove it.
*waves hand in the air*
Oooh, pick me, pick me! I can tell you where to put it!
OK, I’m kinda freaked out by my powers of prophecy.
http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=4575#comment-41300
I must use my powers for good…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In reply to my reply to the comment you linked:
I wonder if I could transfer the demon soul to my Real Doll. That would make things way more interesting at home.
You’re welcome Bianchi.
Gee, Lars, that’s going to change how the movie ends . . .
I wonder if that will be the sequel?
Oh wow, hestitate to even type it lest the holly-weird embrace the suck of it for real…nut i have this compulsions nad cannot stop my fingers.
Scene: Graveyard
Zoom into headstone over Binaca’s grave. Slow hold on name and plot
The ground trembles, the sod breaking up from below, to reveal
Bianca’s Arm!
The fingers clench in rage and become a fist
Music swells
Roll Opening credits
Bianca: Rage on Ice
“Must be . . . mentally competent”
Now we know why they have to get rid of it.
How exactly would one test a buyer’s mental competentcy before selling them a HAUNTED TOY? Is there some kind of questionnaire that is sent out before you bid?
Question 1 – Are you attempting to purchase a HAUNTED TOY?
Question 2 – Did you answer “No” to Question #1 in hopes of passing this test?
Question 3 – Really? You know it’s a DOLL, right?
Question 4 – If you made it this far, you deserve to waste your money on a HAUNTED TOY.
Sadly, this is but one of many of these dolls this person has listed…
*crawls back under covers*
CJ,
I’m curious. Do they actually sell?
I just did an eBay search for “Haunted Porcelain Doll” and there are 22 of the danged things on there.
I weep for humanity.
sweetbiscuit: Most have zero bids, a handful have as many as 11.
Thanks SJ. I just had a look. I’m not weeping for humanity – I’m scared of it! Did you read the info on the doll with 11 bids? I’m most CL posters seem sane!
I’ve read a couple; it seems the higher the starting price is, the more “creative” the description gets.
I’ll guess that the “competent” bidders have a note saying so from their doctor . . .
Oh so many places I could go with this. But, for the sake of keeping this site PG-13…ish I’ll just pick apart a few lines:
Lets start with the last one:
Must be at least 18 years old and mentally competent to bid.
I think the poster just excluded himself from being able own this. Maybe that’s why he’s selling it.
…haunted doll!
Haunted dolls don’t let you take their picture, everyone knows that. I’m beginning to question the legitimacy of this haunting.
…and sometimes changes the tv channels to xxx rated shows, even if you don’t subscribe to any…
Nice save there sparky. “There always seem to be xxx rated shows on my TV when I get home. Not that I subscribe to any. None at all. No magazines or DVDs either. Honest.”
She will become dangerously angry if you try to lock her away, or put her somewhere she can’t see people, so please use extreme caution. | I’ll ship anywhere.
So… she’s ok with being put in a box then?
TM, they ship using the S&M Haunted Doll Courier Service. Delivery gimp arrives with the doll handcuffed to its arm.
It all makes horrible, horrible sense now.
*Cowers under his desk*
TM, I hope you’ve made room for the rest of us.
My cowokers and I figured out that we could probably fit 7 or 8 adults under my desk, if someone gets shoved into the corner. Hopefully TM’s desk is as big as his massive link 😉
Hide all you want; resistance is futile and you will be horrified!
I’m not sure if it exists anymore, but for a very long time, there was a company in my hometown called S&M Trucking. They would totally ship it.
Used to be an “S&M Body Shop” in town, but they closed before I could send the photo to the National Lampoon (yes, this was before arpanet).
*BEWARE<ABSOLUTELY NOT FOR BEGINNERS<EXPERIENCED ONLY*
Damn.
I sooo wanted a beginner version for one who wants to become addicted to haunted porcelain dolls.
*ALL HAIL THE PSYCHO-DOLLS*
I imagine the beginner’s version only likes some light spanking and a little handcuff action while flicking the lights off and on.
Spacebug, I’m sure there’s a “Haunted Satanic Dolls for Beginners/Dummies” out there, packaged with a starter doll. Keep looking …
So…This “doll” has all sorts of fetishes, but doesn’t like being locked up? Is it claustrophobic as well as being possessed by the spawn of the damned? You would think those two things would be mutually exclusive.
Hey, that’s extremely narrow minded of you, SJ; fetishistic Satan sex dolls with a Napoleon complex have feelings too. I bet she’s crying into her domino mask right now looking at her cat of nine-tails with nobody to whip, feeling all lonely and dejected.
Some people just have no sensitivity.
/matt
Perhaps they need more….discipline.
Yes, I have a deep and shameful prejudice against possessed playthings.
Oooh, “Possessed Playthings Prejudice” would make an excellent band name! (And a dandy tongue-twister.)
Also, she’s ruthless and sadistic, but waits for the equivalent of “Simon Says” before she revs up?
She must be from the polite side of Hell.
Wait — didn’t I see this on “Twilight Zone — The Director’s Cut”?
No, I’ve got it: the American Girl series, Burkettville edition.
Blair Witch Barbie.
Band name of the day FTW
Blair Witch Barbies
(O the horror the horror of the stage lighting . . . )
Epic. Win.
That would be only Barbie I would willingly buy.
Ouch! How badly was the director cut? Will he make another movie? *starts to sharpen her knife collection*
I think it was “Creepshow – The Extended Edition”, right between Stephen King covered in space fungus and the bug thing.
Talking Tina doll from Twilight Zone was actually creepier looking.
For a second I thought that said “Talking Tina from Twilight was actually creepier looking.”
That would actually have been an improvement.
There is no improving that episode.
Reminds me of this:
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/songdetails/Creepy%20Doll
Dunno, but this is a different take on a “possessed” doll:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWMXZv_B-9w
I picture the process of discovering the doll’s secret word working like You Bet Your Life, but instead of a toy duck resembling Groucho Marx with $100, you would be physically and psychically raped by a doll.
They’re so similar they might as well be the same.
Do they both involve a duck?
‘Cause I don’t see that listed on the doll’s List ‘O Fetishes.
Unless that falls under “water sports”.
Well, if the doll weighs the same as a duck, doesn’t that mean she’s evil? Or, wait…that’s to check if someone’s a witch, I think the evil doll check is a chicken.
*checks Big Book of Witchcraft*
This says “pygmy marmoset”, but I think you can substitute a bantam chicken if you’re out of those.
Sarajean, I so want to see the conversion/substitution tables in that book! “1 black pullet OR …”
*hides book*
Sorry, I’m not letting this thing out of my sight. I had to dance in a grove of birch trees during a full moon wearing the only the blood of an unbaptized two-headed goat to get it. Those eBay sellers are getting so damn peculiar…
Hey, you were at my party. Could have sworn I saw you there.
Not just peculiar, but particular, too.
Oh, and do not forget it is against Springfield law to put marmosets in your trousers, except for the purposes of wagering.
It’s also against written law to put squirrels in your pants explicitly for the purpose of betting.
Gambling Porpoise would be an awesome band name.
Gamboling Porpoise have no shot at ever being spelt right, naturally
What if ONE of the two goat heads was accidentally baptized? I seem to be in a questionable mood this evening.
It’s the sighing of all those tiny leather snuggies . . .
I think we found new keywords for “Every Man’s Battle”.
Translation: I haven’t been able to sell this run-of-the-mill porcelain doll to the doll-collector market for anything like what I think it ought to be worth. I will therefore make up an idiotic back story about an abandoned barn and a cult of Satanists so that I can convince some lonely, gullible loser to believe that he can either 1) have carnal relations with this thing or 2) get access to free pron, if he overpays me for an item he otherwise wouldn’t look twice at.
I was getting that vibe myself.
Mostly because he didn’t even TRY to make it look like one of the “ghost doll” pictures where the film is all over exposed and wonky.
I mean if you’re going to con people, at least put in the effort.
Gee, if only there was some sort of global system of interconnected computer networks out there that had readily accessible pron already, then the buyer wouldn’t have to purchase a kinky doll that would violate him repeatedly.
Probably some sub set of Rule 34, that there’s a version for sale as well as for free . . .
“Put in the effort”? Actually, all of the “haunted” listings look about the same (tho- all the effort to make those long long long long long long long long long long long listings does suggest compulsion).
I’m very much afraid to search for porcelain dolls without specifying haunted and compare the sellers. (In all fairness, I’m not tough enough to search for “not haunted” dolls, either–could be an icky market to sell to.)
There’s a lot more non-haunted, 16802, than haunted. The only difference I can see is that the non-haunted auctions don’t blather on for a thousand paragraphs about how the doll “feels”.
*giggles*
I found a porcelain Scotty!
Did you find any that were, ah, “pre-haunted” as in available, but not yet possessed?
I’m afraid to use the obvious search terms, even on eBay.
I totally want to know how they know the doll, found in an abandoned barn, was used in Satanic rituals. Shouldn’t it look more like something you’d buy at Hot Topic, or at the very least Emily the Strange? This one just looks like the action figure of some stuck-up madam from “Deadwood” or something (albeit, one who will do a few kinky things for some extra nuggets of gold). I’m disappointed that at minimum she doesn’t have a shaved head or Kiss-like makeup or some fetish objects pictured with her. If this person is serious (and not trying to take advantage of the gullible), I fear the haunted item in this situation is their own brain. Somewhere, Anton LaVey and Kenneth Anger are weeping.
It’s always the quiet dolls who dress conservatively…
The Evil is contained in the petticoat. I bet she went to Catholic school.
Satan’s Petticoat.
Friday’s band name?
We’ve really been hitting the band names pretty hard tonight. I don’t think the llamanun will be able to respect us in the morning.
Tonight only, at the 40 Watt!
Satan’s Petticoat, opening for Blair Witch Barbie!
(That looks…odd.)
Odd, or oddly apropos?
Today’s post finally came online during a drinky-poo lunch meeting. I’m having trouble getting up to speed. I should leave the band naming to better heads today.
Satanic Tressy seems to be less ruthless and haunted than Sparky’s excuse to get his rocks off by posting sweaty CL ads.
Well, at least they could have known about the “water sports” fetish. That might have been obvious in a number of ways.
I’m beginning to suspect that “Water Sports” doesn’t mean Polo and free style diving.
*Squints eyes*
Why don’t you try Googling that and see what happens.
Oh, better yet, check the Urban Dictionary!
Ok!
*Click*
*Eyes tear up and lip quivers*
I smell therapy.
Really? I’ve always wondered what therapy smells like. A couch?
Therapy smells like: peppermint, latex and sweaty socks
Well, he said he was a therapist.
Electro-shock therapy smells like burning feathers.
Er… Or so I hear.
“Electro-shock therapy smells like burning feathers…”
And taste like chicken.
Well, there is that aspect of demonic possession that is the degredation of what looks to be ordinary, or innocent, or otherwise unsullied.
But, you have also echoed my thought, of what sort of divining rods do you takes to the estate/garage/sheriff’s austion to find these items?
Was the seller trolling obscure news stories in newspaper morgues?
Mmmmmmm, porcelain bisque…
I found it gritty, yet refined.
A doll. That’s into water sports.
This begs some questions.
Wouldn’t the chlorine from the pool bleach her dress and hat?
Are her hands even big enough to hold a water polo ball?
I doubt she can even swim.
OK “beg the question” does not mean make one wonder.
It’s a logical term, meaning the answer does not correlate to the question. At least here in El Paso.
Ok, you got me.
Speaking of begging – Say hi to your mom.
Unworthy of you, A. Lion. Not up to YSAC practice!
You may be right. I’ll go to my corner and think about what I’ve done.
If you need some additional discipline, I know where you can find someone who’s into that sort of thing. She’s a real doll.
*Ba-dum ching*
Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Remember to tip your waitresses!
Corey/Matt! Hi!
Hi, Lola.
*shakes flask*
It’s full, want some?
I think you need to use a bigger Sarcasm Stick, Lola.
Wanna borrow mine?
*Holds up ten pound sledge*
Wait ’til he can feel the alcohol. 8) You don’t want to break in newbs too harshly.
So that’s where the Joke hammer went…
I always seem to forget who had it last. Coincidence I’m sure.
Guess I should say “bye”, huh?
Just don’t feed the commenters. It’s best to keep them afraid of humanity lest they become partially domesticated and dependent on the interaction.
Only if you want us to joke about you behind your back after you’re gone. Far, far better to stick around and defend yourself when we snark to your face. Own that snark and give it back to us (yes, I realize that’s somewhat contradictory; humor me).
Yup, I’ve got a whole entourage of people who follow my post’s just to point out when I misuse the apostrophe.
I know it’s done with love. And if it isn’t done with love at least I have my delusions.
Strangely enough, my mother informed me the other day that she found a porcelain doll in the closet of my old bedroom. She asked me if I still wanted it, but after this post… I think I’ll pass or reenact Joan of Arc. Maybe I should send a proper Blessing kit to my mother too.
I did the Joan of Arc thing with a Barbie in high school, those things go up scary-fast.
*Grabs his blow torch and heads out*
*Beep Beep Boop*
“Yeah, Sis? Do you still have that tub of naked barbies? No reason really. Hey, while I have you on the phone, I thought I’d come over for a visit.”
Be sure to round up any impressionable youngsters in the neighborhood. Just call it a “safety demonstration”.
cue ♪ ♪ *Bette Davis Eyes*
Her skin a porcelain bisque
And has satanic ties
So if you’ll take the risk
She wants you for her prize
She moves herself and moans
So if you’re sane and bold
Seductrist you can hold
She wants you for her prize
And she’ll beat you
She’ll exhaust you
Any fetish to please you
She’s barbarous
And you’ll know what trigger it
Takes to make her mine hors
She asphyxiates with thighs
She wants you for her prize
She watches xxx shows
It brings the demon out
She’ll smack you to the floor
She wants you for her prize
She’ll be brutally painful
For your carnal desire
Until you’re ritualized
She wants you for her prize
She’ll haunt you
When she wants you
Off your feet to lay leather on you
She’s ferocious
And she knows just what it
Takes to make you hurt thus
She’s just sixteen inches high
She wants you for her prize
I just realized it’s post #666! How appropos! I can’t help but wonder if the Llamanun planned it that way.
Yes. Yes she did.
*Gasp!*
explains the red text, too
You want me to believe she can’t count to 14 but knows when it’s 666? Okay.
I really believe that doll is haunted and possessed.
When you have the picture onscreen, the eyes follow you wherever you move. I swear, I refreshed the screen, and it was SMILING. Ack!!
Honey, how many margaritas have you had?
Not enough… I’m still typoing legibibily, aeren’t I?
Try using your mug to type.
9i5r mqaik3a t5yh8i ntga 2wqa6 yhqa4red3we4 59o 4r3eaqqed.
(Translation: It makes things way harder to read.)
mklaYHnel;ajysyysysysyshfheje
translation (I see dead people)
*looks in pocket*
Me too! I see Lincoln, and Washington,and Roosevelt, and a buffalo! I’m not sure if the buffalo is dead or not, though. I also see a Trident gum wrapper.
*sniffs*
Strawberry, I think.
Am I the only one who thinks that doll looks a little bit like Miss Kitty?
I always wondered about her…
All of you who are making fun of me will suffer both physically and psychically. Then you will die of tremendous carnal pleasure.
No! No! Depressy calls killing everyone! It was my idea. You go somewhere else. Go kill on Facebook. Or Twitter. Those people deserve it. I call murderous rampage on this site!
Just leave those MySpace kids alone.
Those losers in the trailer-park-of-the-web have enough problems.
Threatening to kill us with “tremendous carnal pleasure” isn’t exactly a disincentive.
Wait, isn’t there a f/b Page for that?
(there’s one for sparkly male vampire and sparkly boy that has more f/b fans than the bella version)
(said in Bill Cosby voice)
No. Really. Who IS this?
Should we form a line or are you doing this alphabetically?
I need to know, I got hotel reservations for next week.
*changes handle to Zewindrose*
No, no, no; you don’t want and ‘end’ of the line, they get attention first.
13th character is better for half-way
be
mwindrose
Oh! Good idea. My email is MyWindrose, that should be fine. 8)
Taco! A.Lion (and your conehead)! We’re due a grouppunchity from Windrose. Thank you for including me in your triad de snark.
Thanks also to Dan/drmk for properly accenting and emphasizing (aka editing for accuracy) my reply.
I’ll stop now, before Keyboard Cat is called in to play me off.
*refills flask to prep for punching*
Here’s the pitch, and it’s a long hard punchity punch punch to the outside! Taco tags the runner at third, then throws to Lola, who punches wildly and takes A.Lion out at home. Whew! Not bad for an opener!
Roll with me on this, and consider the following nightmare scenario:
The backstory is more than just desperate seller puffupery. Ol’ Ruth needs to be kept out where she can see people.. because behind her eyes are Seller-installed cameras to catch Buyer performing “trigger dances” for the doll.
“Of course she won’t do anything if you just leave her. You have to show her you’re ready”
“Oh, it might take some time for her to wake up, but just keep trying.. and make sure she can see you and everything you do around her!”
Buyer takes ol’ Ruth home and does.. disgusting things in front of her. Finding Ruth unresponsive, he goes about his bidness. He does other disgusting things while she sits out on his waterbed – lest she become violently angry at being put away – all in the hopes of awakening this mythical being.
…And Buyer relaxes at home with a scone and a tea, enjoying the free perverso-disgusto-show he has from his legions of porcelain doll spy cameras.
It’s amazing nobody thought of it before. It’s the perfect plan.
You just stepped out of a Blue Police-box, didn’t you?
OT: Meredith (if you’re here today/this late), did your avatar used to be Brak? One of my coworkers pulled up Space Ghost, and Brak came on the screen, and I thought “Meredith!”
…But I could have just been pulling random associations out of my ….ass….ociator.
I’m a little freaked out because this doll looks exactly like a former roommate of mine, right down to the vacant stare.
I wanted to find that on eBay to show my wife… But try doing a search on eBay for “haunted doll…”
There’s freaking hundreds of ’em!!!
Add in various misspellings of porcelain (like porclean; proclain; porslean) plus haunted and doll–this will reduce th enumber of hits.
That doll needs a 21st century makeover. . . and I’m just the man for the job.
I find that a little … unsettling.
How do you give an ancient spirit a makeover?
I was thinking the clothes and such.
Might de-sinisterize it a bit if she was rolling in some apple-bottom jeans and boots with the fur.
No problem for Ash Williams and his chainsaw
Actually, I would buy it to give *to* my mother-in-law. Spice up her stupid doll collection.
That’s it for me, Folks! G’Night, Helsinki!
Has anyone noticed the volume # at the top of the ysac entry? 666? This should convince you of the power of this doll that just describing it on this blog of unbelievers would cause this so-called coincidence.
Hmm… the doll’s hair DOES look a bit disheveled…
Believe it or not so-called “haunted” dolls are a pretty popular (and disingenuous) item on eBay, since they don’t violate any of eBay’s policies.
“… and mentally competent to bid.”
You you disqualify yourself by bidding?
I don’t think the seller is mentally competent enough to know what to do with this doll… Go for the big bucks, bro! Get one of those life-like, life-size, Japanese sex dolls… Then hold an exorcism. You may need to seance before you exorcise to convince her this procedure will be much more gratifying for her sexually sinister nature. Once she is transferred into the new doll, she’ll be worth more than her weight in gold! Especially if she can animate it the same way one of them would animate a possessed person. Make sure you tie her bonds tight before you ship her, you don’t want her flailing about making a scene attracting attention. If she makes cloy noises, use a ball gag. If she keeps looking at you with derision, use a blind fold. Now she’s ready for the box. If she looks too comfortable in the box, add more packing material. Last, but now least- stick a post it note to her forehead with her safe word. This will guarantee and facilitate a smooth payment transaction. Japan sex doll base price: >/< $30000 depending on accessories. (outfits, voice response, tactile facial expressions, etc) Japan sex doll price possessed with an underworld spirit with certain sexual proclivities and safe word- Priceless…. Now start the bidding! Some person of peculiar perversion will be its new owner – it could be you!