YSaC, Vol. 597: Fiat magnus lux operari!
2010 March 6
Big worker light – $15
I have a big spot light thing, it worked when the handyman was here……I think it needs a light bulb……he left it behind. call ###-####
I love the semantic ambiguity in that title.
Is it a light for a worker who is big?
Is it a worker light, that happens to be big?
Is it a big light that works hard?
Is it a big worker who is nonetheless extremely underweight?
Is it…
Wait a minute! You’re selling a light that your handyman left behind?
Asshat.
Thanks for the link, Ciera!
I’m taking up this practice from now on.
“Jacket-75$: ladies size 2 jacket. Very nice. J.Crew. Sister left at may house last visit”
“Keys-20$: Keys to 2007 Honda Civic. Think of it as a game–you find the car they belong to, it’s yours!!! Left by a guy a friend of a friend brought to my house during a party. She never went out with him again.”
&
I work at a hotel, so think of all the extra revenue I could bring in every month. My boss and I have joked about setting up an E-Bay “shop” for all the discarded cell phone chargers, books, and hats people leave.
“Working Handcuffs-50$: Real working handcuffs. Very Sturdy. Left behind in hotel room, never picked up. Does not include keys.”
Yeah, what is it about dumb people that they either leave out all relevant details, or are somehow compelled to keep providing details, even when those details make them look criminal or like assholes?
that they either leave out all relevant details, or are somehow compelled to keep providing details, even when those details make them look criminal
Uhm, in an earlier life in LE, this was a way one sorted the “needs a ride” from the “leave where you found them.”
The magistere of the agency seems to have an impact on just what sorts of admissions against interest will spontaneously occur, too.
I was about to ask out of curiosity which hotel you work at, but then I realized you might not want the whole Internet knowing that. Just tell me it’s not on Route 40….
Creepy. I work a hotel too and my boss and I have had a similar discussion….
I work at a credit union and have the same problem, there’s a box filled with cell phones, sunglasses, prescription glasses, and keys under my desk. The checkbooks, credit cards, and driver’s licenses are kept in another box that can be locked up at night. Most of the things I can understand leaving, but keys? How did these people get home?
(I’ve also got a cane and a baseball bat that were left by persons unknown and all manner of containers from people who have used our coin sorter. I could open a junk shop.)
Here is what the advertiser obviously left out of the ad, for the sake of brevity:
Handyman was deported, doesn’t need light any more.
or
Tried to contact Big Worker, but he left his cell phone at a hotel, and that’s the only number I had.
or
What? You’d do the same thing in this economy! Don’t judge me! Also my neighbor has kittens you can take for free.
I was thinking, “Hated the job this guy did. Ripped me off, so now I’m selling the stuff he left behind. That’ll show him!!”
That happened to a friend of mine. A builder was supposed to be doing some work on her house and gave the guy $$$ to get building supplies and he never came back. She had no qualms keeping the nice, extra-long ladder that he left behind. Very useful (she owns her brownstone) so she’s not selling it.
Disclaimer: Not for the delicate! When the folks who own our home decided to have it painted, as usual they hired the cheapest they could find, someone recommended by or actually a family member. The guy had his kids here while he worked, ripped off the rain gutters and never put them back up, left buckets of paint and a bag of plaster repair stuff, and never once asked to use the bathroom. We don’t have a dog. The evidence we found in the back yard could not have been left by a cat. Ew! So we did end up with a couple gallons of paint in case we want to touch up, but nothing so nice as a ladder.
We have a nice set of sawhorses left by a guy that was supposed to do some work on our house. He showed up maybe twice and spent most of the time jabbering on in a Boomhauer-ish voice, about what, I could not translate. After that he kept calling off with the craziest excuses, including being attacked by African ants. At least the saw horses are useful, and unlike some other contractor failures, we didn’t lose any money on the deal.
I know the feeling. The contractor that was working on the demolition and rebuilding of the back part of my house underbid the work and then “ran out of money” partway through. He kept saying he was going to come back and finish it at some point….that was over a year ago. I’ve used a lot of the stuff he left behind to continue on with the work, and I’ll be damned if I’m giving any of it back since he skipped out in the middle of the job. I’m especially fond of the scaffolding and the dedicated drywall screwdriver (like a power drill, only just for drywall screws. Works like a charm!)
Not.A.Light.On.
Maybe the poster bashed the handyman in the head, causing the lightbulb to break. His photo only shows the one side.
ot just a thievin’ creep. give the big guy his light back..
So…. when was the handyman there?
Maybe he never left! He’s buried in the back yard! The light is haunted, and will only work once the murderer has been brought to justice! (I seem to have some exclamation points left over from yesterday)
That’s ok!!! Extra exclamation points just mean you are real and fun!!!!
That might be a pretty good premise for a mildly lame spooky-CSI movie: because the flashlight is haunted, it reveals things when you shine it on a crime scene.
I can’t see dead people! Where’s that CSI light…
He’s under the REAL wood table behind the white squiggly lines in the study with a candlestick (one light source obviating another in realativstic fashion, obviously).
I’m hoping the handyman that comes over tomorrow will leave some items that I can sell! Our bathroom ceiling majorly cracked open tonight, and the “emergency line” dude was pissed off that I called…if he has anything to do with the handyman, his shit’s getting sold.
You know, a friend of mine is an ER doctor and apparently clients’ homes and hotel rooms aren’t the ONLY places where people leave flashlights…
I’ve heard about some of those. Steve-O? What say you?
Well, I have dealt with more than a few objects in that area. Apparently, women have a tendency to clamp down and not let go sometimes. I dont run into that very often, because our dispatchers are pretty good at discerning what is actually an emergency, and what is not. The threat of dying of embarrasment doesn’t constitute criteria for an ambulance ride.
I like my Maglite, but not that way.
*disclaimer: this story is nauseating*
True story: my friend works security for our hospitals as well as the shipyard, and always has the best. stories. ever. He never tells names unless we need fuel for heckling a friend. However. A few months back he told me an appetizing tale about a middle-aged woman on meth who had to have a conditioner bottle removed from her rump. She claimed she had fallen on it in the shower. ALL LIES!1! He said it was obvious that she hadn’t bathed in quite awhile. And it wasn’t the only object up there. And her ‘boyfriend’ and his cheaply-dressed ‘daughter and friend’ had driven her there. In his Monte Carlo on 22″s. and the doctors needed to ‘hurry up’ because she had a ‘date’. Can this get any clearer? wanna know the best part? The bestest part that made it worth hearing and re-telling at every gathering I’ve ever been to?
She was the judge in a case from the state+me vs. my daughter’s father 9 years ago. She let him off scot free after berating me for making a victim of myself in front of about 50 jury members, witnesses, attorneys, family and friends.
Her ‘boyfriend’? *read: pimp* My daughter’s father.
A judge on meth? I’m waiting for the surprising part. 😛
HHNF: You warned us, but I still managed to throw up in my mouth a little. Dude. I. Am. Sorry you had to go through that … and be judged by … That. Person. Who clearly isn’t fit to do anything that requires responsibility, including render legal decisions.
*simmers brain in bleach, trying to get “it wasn’t the only object up there” out*
As for the … objects … there are stores that sell that kind of thing. They’re made for it. And therefore less likely to get stuck. Ugggghhhhhhh.
*puts dinner back in fridge, no longer hungry*
Yes, Lola, there are devices and products specifically made for that purpose. But trashy + lazy + inability to comprehend reality (e.g., the operation of the sphincter muscle) = objects stuck up rectum. There’s about nothing that any public awareness campaign can do to change that, unfortunately.
Lola, seeing her name in the paper made it worth it. I feel vindicated in the eyes of all who harshly judged me. In true HHNF form, I had to forward the story to all who had said rotten things. Misery is a lonely mistress 🙂
Sorry for the temporary bulemia.
Graham, I do recall you trying to get public awareness in school on the Sticker In the….post. You did what you could.
Graham, I think I had a moment of hysterical blindness whilst imagining the public awareness campaign for “don’t stick items not expressly made for that purpose up your rectum.” 8)
I’m going to go to bed now, and, hopefully, not dream.
Later edit for HHNF: What, she was outed to the community for this? Brilliant. There’s a saying, “If you sit long enough by the side of the river, eventually the corpses of your enemies float by.” I’ve had the joy of watching that happen a couple of times – sounds like you did, too.
PS: I need to diet anyway, no apology needed!
Lola, her name wasn’t on the article, but I made sure to include it. It matched her age and location, too, so no one could say it was a vicious farce. That and the fact that she ‘resigned’ from her post almost immediately following a personal leave due to surgery.
HHNF: Your screen name has never made more sense. It’s good to see that you kept a sense of humor through that.
You really should be taking bids on the movie rights. It would be the ultimate payback if you actually made a bunch of money off of those asshats.
Hey Kids, Deadpool here. I love killing people and making jokes. But one thing I don’t joke about is foreign objects getting stuck in rectums. Household objects are not made to be shoved up your rectum. If you feel the urge, use only objects specifically designed for the job. You know what I’m talking about. A few minutes at the adult toy store can save you hours in the hospital, and thousands of dollars in medical bills. And that’s no joke.
The More You Know…
Oh, Bianchi, my sense of humor came from that.
Humor prevents one from becoming a tragic figure even when they are involved in tragic events.-Someone, I’m Sure of It.
Ghandi said, ‘If I lacked a sense of humor, I would have long ago commited suicide.’
I thought Ghandi said, “I cannot haz cheezburger. If I didn’t lol I would an hero.”
And this is why I love you more than chocolate ice cream.
That’s funny, cause I love you with chocolate ice cream.
I love you with minty shells
and even when you’re Ryan Reynolds *and that’s saying something*
Get thee to a roomery.
HHNF: That’s a definite demonstration of the theory I once heard: “Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” There are two ways you could come out of that sort of situation, and you chose the one with the best result long-term.
Holy shit Graham, that Ghandi line just about made me wet myself.
HHNF- “Humor prevents one from becoming a tragic figure even when they are involved in tragic events.” I believe that is called the Hawkeye Pierce Theory.
It is really strange being in people’s homes and seeing the very most personal aspects of their lives. “Humanity is doomed” should be the title of my career memoirs.
As long as you do not wind up a gnome in their attics and the checks do not bounce . . .
As for most personal aspects, Steve-O, that reminds me of a friend who is a newspaper reporter and who covered police calls … one of the woman officers told her that they were at a house busting someone for drugs and they asked a female resident if they had any other drugs about the place. The woman bent over the back of the couch to get the rest of the stash, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any pants under her longish (but not long enough) t-shirt, and negating the need for a body cavity search.
OH, yeah….they leave them in rental cars, too!
That’s what we’re talking about, right?
The lightbulb in the light may not be the only one that’s not working.
What gets me is: if I were a handyman, and for some reason couldn’t find my “big spot light thing,” I’d need to replace it. And chances are, I’d at least look on my local Craigslist. At which point, this asschapeau’s message would pop up, and… well…
This guy, who the poster says is a Big Worker, already knows where you live. This seems like a Bad Idea (tm.)
already knows where you live
And, when BW shows up and asks where their $50 work light is, hearing “Well I got $15 and a dozen ‘-‘ for it” might not leave them with warm happy feelings . . .
Big Worker® Beer is spectacular. But you know what is even better? Big Worker® Light has all the flavor and almost none of the calories. As a matter of fact, when you factor in all of the calories you will burn during the act of emesis, Big Worker® Light actually provides negative calories.
Big Worker® Light, for when you need to lose a few pounds and want to look manly in the process.
(+elebentyfinity interwebz, I love it, Ed)
Fess Lilling! Graists Tate!
Big Worker® Light
No, no, no, no, the abomination which is diet beer must always be speelt “L-I-T-E” lest it be mistaken for having some other sort of use beyond rapid, pointless, bladder inflation.
Pleas forgive my corey-passion here, but beer has been, and presently remains, one of the few reliable things in my life. Life is far too short for bad beer; demand better! (And, yes, I’ve done enough ligting design and engineering to reflexively use terms like lamp, luniare, and fixture in far-too pedantic ways .)
I hate to burst your carbon dioxide bubbles, but: Coors Light, Yuengling Light, Natural Light, Bud Light, Bud Ice Light, Weinhard’s Amber Light, Keystone Light, Icehouse Light, Leinenkugel Light, Leinenkugel Amber Light, Michelob Golden Draft Light, Miller Genuine Draft Light, Miller High Life Light, Old Milwaukee Light, Pabst Extra Light, …I could go on and on.
Actually few beers are spelled L-I-T-E. Miller Lite which was originally Meister Brau Lite and became Lite Beer from Miller when Miller acquired Meister Brau is one obvious exception. Having lost a Trademark case against G. Heileman, Schlitz, and a few other parties; Miller doesn’t have exclusive rights to the mis-spelling. But I think most other brewers recognize the stupidity of the mis-spelling so voluntarily spell the word correctly.
(now how’s that for Corey?)
*raises pint glass (Guinness, sorry, definitely not a light/lite beer) to toast your Corey points*
All of those are what Stone Brewing CEO Greg Koch refers to as “industrial adjunct beers.” I don’t consider them “beer” at all. 🙂
Real beer doesn’t need to be served “ice cold” in order to be palatable; it has FLAVOR!
Though not a light beer drinker myself, I give you props for mentioning Yuengling and Leinenkugel, the respctive hometown favorites of me and my husband.
Guinness is my poison of choice, as well. As far as I know, the Irish don’t make any light “beers”–although Kaliber is an NA from Guinness.
I drink beer on very rare occasions, like facing a possible eviction maybe, but I love Hair of the Dog microbrewery beers, like Adam and Ruth. Yes, those are the names of the beers. 8)
The Northwest is a great place to experience microbrews and good wines. I am not sure what it is that is so appealing to microbrewers up here…. Any guesses?
It’s definitely a microbrew haven. That part I don’t understand, but instead just enjoy. The wine makes more sense – the latitude is optimum for grape growing, and central WA has good terroir (lit. land) for viticulture/oenology. Someone, somewhere, discovered a natural advantage and ran with it. The merlots from Washington are considered to be among the most luxurious in the world.
Eh, /corey. Didn’t realize that was where I was headed, but it happened.
Nice Coreygasm there, Ed.
Here in Vermontland, the best beers are local. Magic Hat has a pretty fun factory store, but I’d almost rather pick up a growler from the local pub & brew, which has some kick-ass standards and terrific seasonal selection.
Ah, Vermontland. I do not miss my Baltimore days of Natty Boh, nor even do I miss Shiner Bock.
Isaac, when I lived upstate, and sometimes down here as well, I enjoyed lots of Vt-originating micros, Magic Hat among them. There’s a grocery in my neighborhood that has recently begun stocking micros, so I can get it (MH) a little more often now. One of the NYS ones that isn’t half bad is Ommegang, which is inspired by Belgian brewing, a la Chimay.
I still like Guinness best, though one of the local micros is Brooklyn Brewery and in winter they have Chocolate Stout. Stout + chocolate = heaven. There’s an English brand, Young’s, which has a double chocolate stout that is also nice, though probably not technically a micro (but, then, neither is Guinness).
My son is partial to Night Light.
Bass is a good beer too. Also, I love the NW red wines. I have been drinking two bottles of just Cab-Sav for quite some time, and am not even close to getting through the whole selection at the grocery store.
2 bottles a week that is. Edit comment wasn’t working for me.
Steve-O, Lola, I’ve heard it’s the water.
Actually, Windrose, “It’s the Water” was a slogan for Olympia beer, which is defo not a micro, not even Oly Dark. So, that could be the case that it is in fact the water that makes the micros so good, but if so, Olympia is not the best example of it.
I’ve always been annoyed by the deliberate mis-spelling in advertising and company names.
Kind of like: Kash for Klunkers – oh wait, that’s an Obamagic thing, so that’s good right?
Jack — as far as I know, the Cash for Clunkers program was never spelled with Ks. In fact, if you do a google search for that particular misspelling, Google returns with “Do you mean Cash for Clunkers?”
I’m actually right there with you on “cute” misspellings (Playskool? Really?) but I’m also a pedant enough that I prefer that anger towards misspellings be directed towards the right place. Cash for Clunkers is not the right place.
/corey
Here Here to my fellow Guinness drinkers!!!
I’d have to drink with Lola. mmmm…Guinness. But I’m back in the land of Dogfish Head, and you can color me happy! If you haven’t had the honor…find some. And drink it.
I will have to toss my quarter into the shot glass here. Beer that is calorically challenged is like beer that is alcoholically challenged. I might as well just have some iced tea.
Guinness is amazing! Also, you want any alcohol content, you need calories. While carbs and most other nutrients are only 4 cal/g, alcohol is an impressive 7 cal/g…more than any nutrient besides fat.
BUT! Guinness is much lower cal than what I’m currently sucking down, Woodchuck cider.
I am not a huge beer person, but guinness is amazing.
I own a parking lot. Can I sell the cars that the people left there? (Hartster runs up to cars that just have pulled into a space, opens up the doors, and tosses the people out one-handed, typing a Craigslist ad with the other hand….)
(As a true story, there’s a shopping center near me with a three-hour parking limit. Problem is, the towing company assigned to the center gets, uh, ambitious, and starts towing the cars even before the three-hour time limit. End result, is so solly, but we have your car and you want it, pay the towing fee.)
I have a large caliber automatic shooty-type thingy…. does not work now. Worked perfectly when the handyman WAS here. I think it needs new bullets….
Also would like to hire someone to dig a short, deep trench in my yard – can’t be seen – work after dark – you’ll never see me again.
Wow that’s an… um… big one. Too bad it doesn’t work anymore.
Sorry, everyone. Somebody had to go there. 😛
Is the “spot light thing” hidden in the picture behind Wile E. Coyote’s ACME Titan Rocket Motorcycle Booster Pack? Because that’s all I’m seeing…
Also, I believe I get some punch and a portion of a taco today! Yippee!
Bianchi, yes you do! That will look nice on your Goddess wall. 8)
I hope I don’t have to take down any Jonas Brothers posters to make room.
Big Worker’s friends are going to be very disappointed when they go jacklighting this weekend. They might not end up with anything to hang from the swing set.
OMG!!! The handyman WAS killed! The proof is in the anagram: Irk Throb Wiggle. Obviously his last moments. Plus I think that’s his arm behind the gross floral print. oooo…I wonder if CSI is hiring.
Uhm. Why do we now have a Mirror Universe version of Steve-O? 8)
He looks totally normal to me, Rosewind. What are you talking about?
I switched because if you say Steve-O fast enough, enough times in a row, it sounds like Oh-Steve. There’s an innuendo in there.
I sometimes have problems comprehending the dishonesty of some people. Or am I the one out of step?
For example, a few years ago when I moved house, the movers needed crates to pack my large art pieces. At the new location, one of the guys used his claw-foot hammer to open the crates and after they got everything done and had left, I found his obviously expensive hammer had been left behind. I called the moving company 3 times over the next few days to remind them the hammer was there and the guy could come pick it up at his convenience. He never did and I still have the hammer (it was much better than the one I already had – which I freecycled). But I could never have kep it without making an effort to return it to the owner.
On a second glance, that looks less like a flashlight than a fleshlight.
Unfortunately, this is a cheap chinese product, you can buy one new at any truck stop for $20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND it includes the car and wall charger!
(I have this light, thank you; in the bottom of the motorhome…)
That’s pretty brazen. Don’t things fall off of the backs of trucks anymore?
Yes. Stuff still falls off the backs of trucks, wagons, bicycles…. just don’t pick up anything that falls from the back of an elephant.
Foul demons of double posting, I rebuke you!
This person ran out of his/her own broken stuff to sell on craigslist and is now selling other people’s broken stuff on craigslist. Maybe the handyman left it behind because it was broke.
You mean like the people who want you to pay them to cut down a tree in their yard and haul it away for them? 8)
Actually, that’s Lady Macbeth’s “Out, out damn spot”light.
limelolly and Irregular Fractal, thanks for playing, here’s your lovely parting gift: Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Light Brigade!