YSaC, Vol 581: No wabbit’s gonna catch ME nappin’!
need your rapping done
Is your holiday season too hectic to rap all the presents you bot for your family and friend, or do you just want to get your rapping done with out having to do any of it . Well then I’m your girl. I’ll do all your rapping for a low price. If your interested please E-mail me.
That entirely depends on how you’re going to rap them, as far as I’m concerned.
Early Sugar Hill Gang style, with attendant stilted delivery?
“If you need presents rapped then I’m your girl,
I’m magic on the mic.
I can rap a doll, I can rap a car, I can even rap a bike!”
Run-DMCesque partner rapping?
“The holiday season, is way too hectic!”
“The stores are filled, with lights electric!”
“We’re here to rap…””…presents!”
“For all you…””…peasants!”
“So we’re posting here on Craigslist!”
Public Enemy style run-on militancy?
“Santa! Brings you a gift! But he don’t rap it in the attic where the crap it don’t fit!”
(Flavor Flav: “YEAH BOYEE!”)
Snoop Dogg west coast incomprehensibility?
“Twas the twenty fourth in Compton, and all through the hizouse,
While I’m rapping no one’s stirring, not a f***ing mizouse.”
Jay-Z-esque naturalistic rapping?
“If you got presents I feel bad for you, son, I got 99 gifts, but I rapped every one.”
Or am I just being too literal?
Thanks for the link, Lexi!
I’m more concerned about this bot that’s doing your christmas shopping for you. They’ll just give everyone viagra and credit reports.
And send your bank account information to Nigeria.
Are you saying Nigerian e-mails, from a king who moonlights as an attorney btw, offering me 30% of $15M are not legit??
And I swear the following is a direct quote from one I got today: “I have proof of his sickness for your consumption.” Talk about aack-inducing! Not to mention a deal-breaker. I mean, up to that point I was soooooooo convinced all I’d have to give them was the elebenty-hundred dollars (and all my bank information) up front and I could kiss this job good-bye!
I’d prefer Eminem:
I’m sorry, Santa, I never meant to diss you.
I never meant to make you cry, so
Tonight, I’m rapping in the closet! One more present.
My holiday season can’t be that hectic. I only have one family and one friend, apparently.
Your have been having a hectic season because you have bot that family and friend hundreds of presents.
Those presents need rapping. This girl will rap them for you. Once they’re all rapped, you’ll receive them back, and wrap them.
You only have one family and friend, but they deserve presents that have been rapped AND wrapped, because that is how much you care.
I have two relatives (if you don’t count my husband) and no friends. I sent my bot to shop and it never came back. Now I am botless too.
Wait. Isn’t botting illegal?
Not in Vegos.
Isn’t botting illegal?
Requires a “corey” to ‘splain
an’ wouldn’t fit a refrain
so I ain’t gonna ‘splain
I prefer the Jaggerz version myself:
Hey girl, I bet you
There’s someone out to get you.
You’ll find him anywhere
On a bus, in a bar, in a grocery store.
He’ll say “Excuse me, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
Rap, rap, rap, they call him the Rapper.
Rap, rap, rap, you know what he’s after.
So, he starts his rappin’
Hoping something will happen.
He’ll say he needs you,
A companion, a girl he can talk to.
He’s made up his mind.
He needs someone to sock it to.
Rap, rap, rap, they call him the Rapper.
Rap, rap, rap, you know what he’s after.
He’s made an impression,
So he makes a suggestion.
“Come up to my place
For some coffee or tea or me.”
He’s got you where he wants you.
Girl, you’ve gotta face reality.
Rap, rap, rap, they call him the Rapper.
Rap, rap, rap, you know what he’s after.
Email me…KTHNX
Oh, and I’m beginning to suspect that dan watches Robot Chicken.
No idea why…
I’ve seen it once or twice, but we don’t watch much TV.
The coincidence of your title today is rather remarkable then.
TacoMm – I just noticed you’re stuttering.
Are you kidding? That was on Dr. Demento twenty years ago…
[SYLVESTER]
All right, Fuddthy, thith’ll be a take, thee?
[ELMER]
Kill da wabbit! Kill da wabbit! Kill da wabbit!
[SYLVESTER]
Thufferin’ thuccotash! That thoundth worthe than a tweety bird in a blender! You gotta get with the timeth, Elmer! Here, try it like thith!
[ELMER]
Hey, scwewy wabbit, don’t you mess with me!
I’m a super wabbit kiwwer! I’m bad, you see!
I’m Elmer Fudd, I own a mansion and a yacht
And aww the widdle wadies dig what I got!
I’m armed to the teeth and I can’t be beat!
I’m a cwazy ol’ mudda for wabbit meat!
Aww the wabbits I catch, they pay me cash
So hey, scwewy wabbit, better cover your a–
I’m wappin’! I’m wappin’!
No wabbit’s gonna catch me nappin’!
I think that befowe I get much thinner
I’ll be takin’ you home with me for dinner!
See, I have this wecuwwing fantasy
Of using you in one of my wecipies!
You let aww this success go stwaight to your head
But it’s fattened you up, so I’ll be well fed!
You’we a dwied-up, scwewy ol’, fat Welsh wabbit
With a two-thousand-dowwar-a-day cawwot habit!
I’m wappin’! I’m wappin’!
And nothin’s gonna catch me nappin’!
You’we gonna wish you were a specimen in the zoo
‘Cause it’s aww over, wabbit! I’m comin’ for you!
I wear a huntin’-type cammies and I cawwy a gun
And I’ll bwow your bwains out just for fun!
You can hide anywhere, you can hide in the sewer
But you’we gonna wind up on the end of my skewer!
You think you’we hot, but much hotter you’ll be
When you’we a batter-dipped, wabbit-fwied fwicassee!
I’m wappin’! I’m wappin’!
And nothin’s gonna catch me–ooh! Ohh!
Ooh, dawn you!
Siwwy wabbit!
[SYLVESTER]
Well, thufferin’ thuccotash! How’d HE get in here?
[BUGS’ CHEERING SECTION]
Bricka-bracka-firecracka!
Bricka-bracka-firecracka!
Bricka-bracka-firecracka!
Bricka-bracka-firecracka!
Bricka-bracka-firecracka! Sis-boom-bah!
Bugs Bunny! Bugs Bunny! Rah-rah-rah!
[BUGS]
Ehh, what’s up, doc? So ya think you’re the Pope?
Or is your brain fried out on ginseng dope?
What’s the secret here, Fuddsy? Have ya got some serum
That makes you all short and fat and gruesome?
Ya chased me through the woods for fifty years
Shootin’ everythin’ with floppy ears!
Chasin’ after me has caused a big sensation:
The Elmer Fudd method of vegetation!
I’m goin’ to the Rabbit Club to quaff a few
So here’s the last thing I’m gonna say to you:
Take your mansion and your broken-down yacht
And kiss my smelly ol’ wabbit shot!
Ehh, ain’t I a stinker? Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! What a maroon!
[SYLVESTER]
Gee, Fuddthy, you wanna try thith again when you’re feelin’ better, then?
[ELMER]
Oh, shut up, you wotten ol’ ***** cat! I’ll get you too, dawn you! If it’s the wast stwaw…
“Wappin'” by Darrell Hammond and Christopher Snell is on the “Dr. Dementos 20th Anniversary Collection” album.
He is just trying to resolve the M/m controversy which has been raging
The capital has precedence in most of the recent ones, though…
Personally, I prefer the Beastie Boys’ “No Sleep ‘Til Christmas.”
I’m thinking more like The Waitresses “Christmas Rapping.” And why is this ad around now? Did you save it, Dan, or is she just getting a jump on the St. Patrick’s Day wrapping frenzy?
Yo Dan, this stuff is funny, and I like ya rhymes,
And I’m not callin’ you out, but this was on my mind,
Public Enemy isn’t what I’d call a style guide,
But mixin’ where and wear? Man, even they got pride.
I stand by my usage. “Where” in this case refers to the attic, where the crap don’t fit.
George…that is Not.A.Corey!
Season too hectic?! Gotta wrap it all!
Too much you bot! Gotta wrap it all!
Wanna be your girl, Linda to your Paul!
You’ll be a right mack daddy! Won’t have to wrap at all!
Email. Peace.
If she “raps” as terribly as she spells, my Christmas packages will look as if I wrapped them myself, soooo… I think I’ll just save the money and do it myself. In December.
I think you’ve uncovered the real reason she’s doing this: she wants to get her hands on other people’s packages.
Love the commentary!
If she could rap for me, I could become the Milli Vanilli of the rap world.
That’s it! She can lip-synch to:
“The toy truck you bought is blue
Ooh ooh ooh I’ll wrap it for you.
Out of Scotch tape and glue?
Ooh ooh ooh I’ll wrap it for you.”
While everyone else is thinking about the rapping, I’m wondering about the bot. If I had a rapping bot* I wouldn’t need your services.
* Rapping Bot would be a good name for a Electronica-Hip Hop fusion band.
As he lands on my roof with the shingles in squalor
he takes a look at the house and knows it ain’t worth a dollar.
But he’s been out deliverin’ toys for so long
that even his missus thinks that his a$$ is gone.
He said he’d go to the store for a loaf like my father–
sometimes Mrs. Claus don’t know why she bothers.
Every year the toys approach a limit of crap
now the missus looks on Craigslist for a girl who can rap.
Chorus:
Been livin’ most his life,
Livin’ in a North Pole paradise.
Elves makin’ fuzzy dice,
Livin’ in a North Pole paradise.
Spend hours scrapin ice
living in a North Pole paradise.
say “like white on snow”
not “like white on rice”
livin’ in a North Pole paradise
rooftop after rooftop
toy after toy
like Sam Beckett in the mirror
he can only say, “oh boy!”
*thinks would you seriously entrust the presents that you’d carefully chosen and bought with your hard earned cash to this rapper?* answers on a postcard to How To Get Idiots To Give You Stuffe.
That was my thought too. Apparently that’s a common professional scam:
1. Offer free/cheap gift wrapping service where customers drop off items to be wrapped.
2. Replace valuable items with random crap that is of approximately the same weight and density, and wrap the crap.
3. Sell the valuable items.
(Erm, this comment is for educational purposes only. Don’t scam people out of their Christmas presents. If you do, it’s not my fault if you get arrested/tarred and feathered/force-fed fruitcake.)
Hey since you all are hanging out at a forum ran by a llama nun and ostrich, where birds, Not.a.Lions, a random cartoon character with too many mMs, numerous cats, and many other snarky/odd characters hang out, I’d say all of you could use help both rapping AND wrapping your Christmas presents to your friend and family.
Erm… *studies own avatar*… Heh.
Ostrich? All this time I thought Dan was Not.an.Emu.
Meh… ostrich, emu, lion, tiger… who can tell the difference??
I thought we generally went with Ostrimu?
Bavec – I love your Avatar. I have a black and white just like that. When she is looking up at me like that I know she is saying FOOD. NOW.
Thank you!! He is quite a handful. But I love him. 🙂
My grey and white has pretty much exactly the same facial markings as that cat. he’s currently attacking my bf’s dirty clothes bin. Can’t say I blame him; it probably smells like a dead mouse, anyway.
See…this is where generation gap sits staring at her computer screen and thinks “WTF are these people talking about??”
I’m with you CJ . . . there are many times references go sailing right over the top of my silvery tresses. Ah well. I guess I would have been considered a country geek for wearing my cowboy boots to school. And my avatar, even now, would be a four-legged animal . . . one named Sunny, about 15 hands high with beautiful brown eyes and a black mane and tail. One of these days, I’ll take a picture of her and see if she will fit in that little square.
Btw, nice to be back home and settling into routine again. Been on a trip to the East Coast. If I’d known there was such a market for snow, I would have brought some back. However, my mission was to see my very first grandbaby. She is most adorable (if you will permit me a smidge of gush)! I did miss my daily dose of snarky humor and pithy wittiness, tho. I see you all carried on in grand style, as usual. I missed you!
Welcome back! Perhaps you are in need of a girl to rap babby presents?
Welcome back, Arched!! Ooooh…grandbabies! I have six, and all gooshiness is allowed when we’re talkin’ grandbabies.
Congratulations!
If your interested please E-mail me.
Why does this person want me to E-mail them about my interested? If it’s my interested, then it has nothing to do with her.
Yes, I have been known to go into stores and tell the manager their signs are punctuated incorrectly. Drive’s me nut’s, it doe’s!
I was correcting a sign on a bus t’other day when the driver told me off for ‘graffiti-ing’. After I spent about five minutes patiently explaining why the apostrophe was incorrect, he got bored/scared and left me alone. I feel it was a win for grammar.
I wish I had the balls to do that! I’d probably be more like this lady, except in the dead of night.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/engineroomblog/2438242125/
The woman who wrote “Eats Shoots and Leaves” and “Talk to the Hand” discusses doing this. The author photo in TttH shows her correcting a movie poster for “Two Weeks Notice” with a Sharpie and a surreptitious expression.
Dan and I do that. On my walk into work there’s a bar that has a white board outside; they keep advertising “Ladie’s night” or “So-and-so DJ’s”. I always erase the extraneous apostrophe.
I keep threatening to bring a red white board marker home with me so that I can circle it and write, “-5 — Please see me” on the board.
I bought a (self-published) book from a friend a couple of weeks ago. It’s just a quick read but at the end of it, I had high-lighted 17 errors, mostly misplaced apostrophes (it’s where he meant its, audiences where he meant audience’s etc). The book was supposedly edited (he gives credit to an editor) but I begged him to *please* let me edit his next book. I believe I used the term “competent editor”.
I feel your pain. Every day I drive by an apartment complex with a sign that advertises “Ranch’s Atrium’s Townhouses” for rent and it makes me stabby.
“Atrium’s” I can almost forgive, but “Ranch’s”?! When they got “Townhouses” right? Cripes.
I’m just happy they spelled it with the second “p”. This ad could have been MUCH worse.
Wow. Jazzy Jeff must be hard up for work.
Your all just too smart with all you’re sarcasm (sigh!). Did you hire the sarcasm teacher?
I was about to comment that you’ve got “your” and “you’re” backwards until I noticed the sarcasm teacher bit. Now I’m thinking that GASP you did it on purpose. xD *feels accomplished*
I’m really, really hoping you did it on purpose because my inner Grammar Nazi is exhausted today.
OMG, of course I did it on purpose. But I’m still laughing at your comment. (Or would you prefer you’re?). Do you know how hard I have to think to right something incorrectly? It’s so much harder than doing it write! (Sarcasm meter is on.)
At least we’d all ace the sarcasm final exam.
I’m sorry, you seem to have used “too” correctly there. Please go back and try again.
I must say that Dan’s intro is not only awesome, but much more worthy of stereo-blasting than most rap I’ve heard.
you’re so right, he’s totally outdone anything my poor brain can come up with today.
I like rapped things, and I cannot lie
You other Ysac’ers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with paper and tape
and a rapped thing in your face
Your raps done
Baby got rap by Sir Tapes-a-lot
“Oh-my-God. Her gift is SO big.”
I miss you guys!
we’ve missed you too, in fact I think HHNF had been in serious withdrawal.
Graham and Archie back on the same day! We missed you too!
Aww… I had HHNF withdrawals, too. 🙁 And general being-around-witty-people withdrawals.
Merlin’s hairy bollocks I missed you!!1!
*does happy dance*
Hopefully now that I have teh Intarnets I’ll be able to check in on a regular basis!
You’d better. Once a Goonie, always a Goonie.
😀
Next on ‘As The List Turns’:
Graham and Archie mysteriously reappear on the same day. Was it coincidence? A scandalous affair in the tropics? A secret spy mission to Soviet Russia? Pancakes?
Tune in next time to find out!
I believe it’s called “Hiking the Appalachian Trail.”
At another thought, I thing I prefer Rodney Dangerfield, aka “Rapping Rodney”:
I went Xmas tree shopping til p.m. three
(no respect, no respect)
The lot guy swung his axe at me!
(no respect, no respect)
Then I saw the guy at the North Pole
(no respect, no respect)
He told me I’d get all the coal!
(no respect, no respect)
It’s just Rappin’ Rodney
Posting on Craigslist
He’ll wrap your presents
gave that bow a twist
It’s just Rappin’ Rodney
up ’til late
Poor old Rappin’ Rodney
He’s out of tape!
And on another thought, isn’t “You bot” a naughty Cindy Lauper song? In that case, “presents you bot” may be the gift that keeps on giving.
I feel like punching Archie and Graham just for the heck of it! 8) Welcome back, teammates. But the real punch goes to Camile, and well deserved, I might add.
Thanks, Windrose!
If you think you’re taken care of I got news for you, son,
I wrapped 99 presents but your gift ain’t one.
Wow, you have so many hidden talents, it makes my head spin. Writing, literature…. rapping according to multiple stylists? Just wow. Love this site.
Sadly, I am so un-hip that I can’t even attempt to atempt a rap parody. So,instead, here is my age-appropriate generational representation to this post….
……”She raps you, yeah,yeah,yeah….
……She raps you, yeah,yeah,yeah…..
……She raps you, yeah,yeah,yeah,yeahhhhhhh!”
……(ahem,…that’s it…sorry..)
I’m only ‘hip’ in that I own an intact pelvis.
As to hop, I’m familiar with the Washington state hops just the least little bit.
I am definitely going to have to use that “intact pelvis” line at some point.
I saw Intact Pelvis at the Holiday Inn Lounge…worst Elvis.impersonator.ever…
I feel so responsible for some of the comments here today. 8/
And I feel so irresponsible for them.
Once upon an evening snowy, while I noticed wind was blowy,
Over many and quaint and curious presents I previously had got.
While I heard my poodle yapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
Someone outside was rapping while I was on my chamber pot,
“Their timing sucks.” I muttered, sitting on my chamber pot.
So I sent out my little ‘bot.
My robot went a wheeling, its rollers really squealing,
I’d buy some time to finish up so I would not be caught.
And still I heard the rapping as I finished up my crapping,
The dog continued yapping as the paperwork was wrought.
The door creaked open, opened by my little ‘bot.
Twas a girl, at least I thought.
I heard the rustle of some paper, and of course a master taper,
I new the sound of wrapping as I covered up my chamber pot.
Thinking of the trapping of the girl which did the wrapping,
Looking, thinking, mapping, how this girl would wind up caught.
Maybe with a lasso carried by my little ‘bot.
But then she rapped my little ‘bot.
My little ‘bot was dizzy as the girl continued, busy.
The small machine fell over as though it had been shot.
My robot turned to napping as the girl continued wrapping,
And continued rapping to my snoring little ‘bot.
I finally found my voice and asked her, “What is this you’ve wrought?”
I’m Rapper Girl. I kid you not!
OT – I drove through Somers this winter. It was three degrees. How many years of college would it take a Floridian to get three degrees?
Yesterday I drove through Glacier. It was minus twenty seven degrees. How many years of college would I have to take just to get to zero degrees?
This Floridian had 80 degrees on Friday.