YSaC, Vol. 536: Die Harmonica der Welt
How’s your brain today? Not hurting? Beth sends us a way to fix that:
I will record the music of sports and here is an example of my plan to mix
music and sports:Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo Dooooo (Crunch-Crunch) (Crunch-Crunch)
Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo Dooooo (Swat-Swat) (Swat-Swat)The Crunch-Crunch will be a football tackle you know how it sound when there is a tackle.
The Swat-Swat will be a tennis racket being hit by the ball with a tennis player swat swatting at the ball.I do need someone with videoconferencing technology because my primary partners are in Denmark. If you can play the harmonica that would earn you “brownie points” in “my book” and might even give you job security for this job. Videoconferencing and harmonica would be perfect thank you for reading watch for my cd limited release in USA although primary release in Denmark is self-titled as “Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat.”
When I read that first chunk of onomatopoeia, all I can hear is the Blue Danube Waltz. Sing it with me!
“Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. CRUNCH CRUNCH, CRUNCH CRUNCH!
Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. Swat Swat, Swat Swat!”
Still though.. I know there are dozens of unemployed people with strong backgrounds in videoconferencing and harmonica, so I think it’s great that the economy is picking up enough to once again provide them with opportunities.
By itself, this post would be a small masterpiece of Craigslist suckitude, but wait! There’s a part two:
Thank you for the response time to my original advertisement that promoted the recruitement of videoconferencer/harmonica and the question on revenue-sharing. Now I will answer:
The revenue-sharing commission structure of “Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat” will be based on formula to combine US/Denmark pay scale deducted from broadband usage time from videoconferencer.
“Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat” harmonica commissions to be counted not on per-second rate but interest/sales revenue-based program counted in tune, as in g minor, g major, flat sharp- all must stay in g. Payscale program is also “to be determined” and “at my discretion” as appropriate deductions categorized outside range of g in “Musik af
Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat.”
According to Alexander Scriabin, G Major is a very orange sort of key. Of course, Scriabin also believed that when his final work was completed and performed, it would bring about the end of the world, so perhaps we shouldn’t put too much stock in his beliefs.
Still, he doesn’t seem much crazier than this guy.
You do this to us on a Monday? The FIRST Monday of 2010? Oh, the humanity. PS–Ron, come get your first card punch! Hooray!
I must not have been awake when I checked in this morning. I could have sworn Ron was the lucky person who didn’t suck. Oh well.
I think that was from yesterday.
This can’t possible be genuine, can it? Is this person seriously advertising for a harmonica playing teleconferencing expert? If so, I’d like to sing my response for him/her.
a one and a two and a:
giggle, giggle, giggle, snort, snort!
giggle, snort, giggle!
giggle, giggle, cough, choke, splutter!
It’s even better in real life with my cat singing harmonies!*
*and by “singing harmonies” I mean yowling miserably in the background because I locked him out of the bathroom so he can no longer meow threateningly at the cat in the mirror.
The Blue Danube is now definitely ensconced in my head … there are worse earworms than that for a Monday.
Moving along, I love this portion:
“The revenue-sharing commission structure of “Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat” will be based on formula to combine US/Denmark pay scale deducted from broadband usage time from videoconferencer.
‘Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat’ harmonica commissions to be counted not on per-second rate but interest/sales revenue-based program counted in tune, as in g minor, g major, flat sharp- all must stay in g. Payscale program is also ‘to be determined’ and ‘at my discretion’ as appropriate deductions categorized outside range of g in ‘Musik af
Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat.'”
Were anyone foolish enough to take the guy up on it, I can just imagine the years of Jarndyce v. Jarndyce-type litigation that could ensue. Arguments over whether the person playing the harmonica was or wasn’t in tune, and also whether the soi-disant composer’s “discretion” regarding “appropriate deductions” were in fact appropriate could clog small-claims venues for decades to come …
Or, if you really wanted to be a jerk, perform, pretend you’re doing it for free, and then copyright the music yourself. When doofus here finally gets around to doing that (after sharing his “tune” on CL for anyone who cares ot read), you’ve blocked him. 😛
If I remember right, a harmonica can’t be out of key. You need a different harmonica for each key. That’s why the heavy dude from Blues Traveler had the bandolier straps.
You, sir, have never been to a blues jam. Regardless of what key the harmonica is in, there are plenty of ways to play one out of key.
I think John Popper had a bandolier so that he could look like a slightly less hairy Chewbacca.
I thought marching bands were the music of sports…..
[Post Ex Post Facto]No, no, no, Sports are the sideshow.[/Post Ex Post Facto]
Unfortunately, not a bit of Strauss in my head. Merely Ludwig van Beethoven’s Ninth. Which begs the question: Did Alex post this?
“It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now to give it the perfect ending was a bit of the old Ludwig van.
Then, brothers, it came.
O bliss, bliss and heaven,
oh it was gorgeousness and georgeosity made flesh.
The trombones [I mean harmonicas!] crunched redgold under my bed, and
behind my gulliver the trumpets [harmonicas I said!]
three-wise, silver-flamed and there by the door the timps rolling through my guts and out again,
crunched like candy thunder.”
O my brothers, let the ultra-violence of the tennis rackets *swat swat* begin!
Happy New Year everyone! crunch! crunch!
Bring on that crazy.
I just saw my avatar and thought I’d mention that Misty had to be put down on New Year’s Day. It was sudden and so sad. My little beatnik is at peace now.
And, no – I won’t be selling her body as an art installation or contacting anyone on CL to create a “professional” and “beautiful” portrait. Just to put that out there.
Oh Colleen. What a sad start to the year. Much sympathy.
I’m so sorry, Colleen. You have my condolences.
I’m so sorry to hear that. My sympathies.
so sorry to hear that Colleen, will be thinking of you.
Oh, Colleen, I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.
Sorry to hear about Misty. I just went to pet Hunter (my Avatar) in Misty’s honor.
My sincere empathy to you Colleen. It’s really hard to lose a beloved fuzz-ball. My heart goes out to you.
Oh no, I’m so sorry. It’s so sad when we lose our kitties. *hugs*
I’m sorry about your kitty. I’ll give my kitties extra belly rubs in Misty’s honor.
That’s a hard thing to go through. I am so sorry to hear it happened.
I am so very sorry, Colleen. I lost my Oscar several years ago. It’s very, very hard. Thank you for sharing the sad news with us.
Aw, thank you to everyone! Your kind words to my off-topic news has brightened my day. I can safely say that “you all don’t suck” at kind commenting!! ((hugs))
I’m very sorry you lost your little friend.
Late to the list, but oh Colleen, I can so sympathize. I had to put down one of my kitties a few weeks ago, and it still haunts me that I didn’t do enough to save her. Poor thing, but she is at peace now. A huge cyber hug to you! ((HUGS))
my sympathies, Colleen and Windrose…so difficult to lose our babies, but such a gift to have had them at all.
Sorry to hear that Colleen. Losing a fur-kid is always terrible. My condolences to you.
“Payscale program is also ‘to be determined’ and ‘at my discretion’…” = You won’t get paid. Sucker.
Well, if one is looking for a business partner who isn’t interested in getting paid and who has that perfect combination of videoconferencing and harmonica skills, I suppose CL is the perfect place to find him or her.
It’s kind of like zombies – all the crazy people eventually end up in one spot.
congrats on not sucking Coco, I’m sure windrose will be along to punch your card later.
Oh! I don’t suck! Here’s my card, Windrose. Please to punch for me?
*waves card emblazoned with rooster at typewriter*
*punch* Way to go, Coco! You are one of the top contenders!
as an aside, my mug arrived a couple of days ago, so I now have the rooster on typewriter staring out at me as I have my morning coffee.
I can just see this guy running around the sidelines, recording his “music of sports”. Sometime early in his project he must have taken a hockey puck to the forehead.
I will record the music of holidays and pets and here is an example of my plan to mix holiday music and pets:
Woof woof woof
Woof woof woof
Woof woof
Woof woof woof
Woof woof woof
Woof-woof woof woof
Woof-woof woof woof woof woof woof
Woof!
The “Woof” is the sound of a dog-voice or “woof” you know the sound when the dog barks.
The tune will be jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way.
I need someone with a station wagon and some tennis balls because my “dogs” like to “go” to “the park”
If you have a veterinarian’s license this will earn you “kiss ass” points in my “opinion.” It may even earn you a job that pays you less than you are making now with a degree like that. Pay scale is “arbitrary” and subject to “dog’s discretion” and my “ever-changing mood.”
Thank you for reading watch for my cd limited release in USA although primary release in my mom’s basement is titled as “Jingle Dogs.”
The biggest problem that I have with this post is that they weren’t even using Danish words!! Looks way more German to me.
I can set up teleconferences and play harmonica, but I won’t deal with Danes. Norwegians, maybe, but Danes? No way.
I agree. You can’t trust those Danes, what with the regicide by ear poison, the random deaths, insanity, and occasional hauntings.
I might be thinking of something else.
Thtop it.
I really resent these comments!
Sorry, cd – I have nothing against actual Danes, but how often do you get a chance to inject a Hamlet reference into everyday conversation?
Yes, cd, I too am not against actual Danes. I love all of the northern European peoples.
Personally I think Danes are great.
There is Nothing like a Dane! Nothing in the WORLD! There is nothing you can name that is anything like a Dane!
Danes are just GREAT!
Darn, I prefer my payscale to be in B flat, not G. Guess I’m out of luck.
I’d like to audition for this job, which may or may not give me job security. However, I feel very strongly opposed to the key of G, and will record every song in C sharp. I understand that I will not recieve pay as a result, but the opportunity just sounds too good.
Greetings from the future!
I’m not sure how your letter got from the 1970s to me in 2010 (yes, 2010!) but I’m sure glad it did.
You see, here in 2010 (Yes, 2010!) we have these things called “computers” and they sure are amazing. With them you can do all sorts of astounding things. For instance, you could get a “laptop” “computer” (smaller than your average teletype machine!) (Amazing, I know!) and get a “program” (coded instructions for the “computer”) that would let you record right in your own home! I’m not kidding! What’s more, you could even get “samples” (recordings that someone else did) of things such as the football “Crunch” and tennis “swat” and put them into your recordings. There are even “samples” of “harmonica,” so you don’t have to share you windfall profits with some greedy harmonica player and his bandolier! This is not a joke. You can really do this in 2010 (Yes, 2010!)
Your best bet would be to have yourself cryogenically frozen (or just your head, if finances are tight) and come back in 30-40 years to do your project. Trust me- no one will steal your idea before then.
I’m waiting for the Music and Sports Agency (MASA) to be formed under the Department of Commerce. The way I understand it, I would then have a relatively simple transfer from my current responsibilities with a different agency and department. Now to get busy learning the sister arts of teleconferencing and harmonica-ing. If I’m not mistaken, there’s some sort of tuition assistance available for those programs–but only when combined.
http://studentaid.ed.gov/PORTALSWebApp/students/english/SmartGrants.jsp
Ed, I think it will eventually become the Music and Sports Agency International (MASAI) and include lion hunting while jumping in the air and chanting.
Lion hunting and also not. a. lion. hunting, just to be inclusive.
Harmonica and videoconferencing. Only key of G billable. Crunch! Swat! … This is pure, classic YSaC looniness. Thanks for the good laugh on a January Monday.
The ad(s) MUST be fake, but amusing none the less. Worthy of its spot alongside the other genuinely crazy on YSaC.
In a related news story, Vienna police were called to the Zentralfriedhof to investigate strange whirring noises, which turned out to just be Johann Strauss spinning in his grave.
Well, at least we’ve finally determined JUST how obscure a musical reference in the title has to be before no one comments on it.
(Paul Hindemith – Die Harmonie der Welt)
Hey, I only read this post just now, and the title cracked me up. But my comment was just going to be on the Crunch Crunch, Swat Swat theme. It made me think of a page from a Dr. Seuss book . . . well, probably One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. “Brush brush brush! Comb comb comb! Everyone who loves to brush and comb / should have a pet like this at home!” [drawing of a poodle wearing a long curly wig.] But there is NO WAY I am going to come up with a charming rhyme for Crunch Crunch Swat Swat.