YSaC, Vol. 534: Craigslist posting, with stupid.
In the grand tradition of “Still Life With Sunflowers,”
“Maya With Doll,”
and countless other fine works of art, may we present:
Loveseat with Dead Snake – $125
Hi. I have a light brown plaid loveseat for sale. I used to refer to it as a sofa until my boyfriend corrected me. I think it’s around 20 or so years old. It is very comfortable. One of my favorite things in the apartment. The thing is the snake crawled into it and died. We can’t find it anywhere in it, without breaking it or really damaging the fabric. It was a male (I think) boa, three years old, about 3 feet long, and hasn’t been seen for weeks, maybe a month. So the mystery has been solved. The loveseat must go. Please email if you’re interested. I will reply.. $125 obo.
This work, I believe, is from Robert Rauschenberg’s “Holy Crap, Get That Away From Me” period.
Thanks for the link, Kim!
This seems…oddly familiar.
I was thinking that, maybe we’re having a flashback from Item not as described?
D’oh! We barely have time to keep up with our OWN site, let alone keep up with our colleagues. Oh well. Please enjoy this encore presentation.
ah who cares, it’s still good for a post hangover chuckle. And yes, I was seriously hung over yesterday, hence my total absence.
Besides, OUR comments are much better than THEIR comments. *neener neener*
oh without a doubt Windrose.
But of course! Our comments make this encore more than worth it. Plus the commentary here is top-notch!
INAD announced on its site that it is going away. the items were much worse – piles of crush concrete, ruined motor homes, etc…than here on YSAC, and the comments not as pithy. yet, it will be missed for its ironic tone.
YSAC has a great deal more snark.
i do not want a couch with a dead or otherwise anytypeofsnake, thank you so very much.
Is D’oh a contraction? For what? I must know!
Steve-O, not a contraction. This is a word from the African Bushmen language, like in the movie The Gods Must Be Crazy. The apostrophe indicates a click that is not easy for Europeans and Americans to make, so we just put a little emphasis on the D. 8) In Bushman, D’Oh means I’ll give you 5 necklaces and a cow for your daughter. This is such a bad deal, it has come to be an expression of the realization you did something you wish you hadn’t.
I haven’t seen that site so this is new to me. =D Looks like I’ll have to check it out though.
Well, if Werner Herzog can direct a remake, who is going to look down on YSAC for doing the same?
Oh, I totally understand. Who’d want to damage the fabric of a 20 year old loveseat just to find your pet? Rotting snake won’t do much to it…it’s not like your aunt died on the thing.
Also, why is this the only conclusion? “Snakes lost. Haven’t seen it for weeks. Oh, it MUST be in the couch. And now we shall charge for the pleasure of knowing there’s a carcass in your living room furniture”.
“So the mystery has been solved.”
Does that mean the loveseat has started to smell? And that’s why “The loveseat must go”?
So, then, should the ad, for clarity and truthfulness, read:
“We’ve got this loveseat that’s started to stink, and no snake. You do the math. We’re effin’ lazy, so please pay us $125 OBO and haul it away. Not new. Comfortable.”?
Bloody hell, that’s some cheek, you cheap, lazy bastards!
But Lola, ball pythons can sell for $180 each! You really are getting a good deal here. Especially if there are babies. 8)
Not knowing much about snakes, I had to go Googling:
“One advantage of a boa constrictor as a pet is that it can go without food and water for weeks.”
Er.. hmm. Plus, you’re not even sure it’s a male. Let’s consider the alternative:
“Live births in my colony have numbered from four… to forty-nine with a mean of 31.3 per litter.”
And I thought bedbugs were the worst possibility with used furniture.
So the correct headline could, instead, be:
“Loveseat with nest of dozens of snakes – $125.”
This just gets worse and worse, which is frankly kind of awesome.
I laughed so hard at this I scared off a cat.
“Come sit with me on my new loveseat, baby. Close your eyes and let’s cuddle.”
“Oh, sweetie.. hold me tight…. mmmmm…. hey, not THAT tight… mmnngggggghNGGGGHH.”
Brilliant lost_compass – that would make a great movie sequel to Snakes on a Plane…….
“Snakes in a Loveseat” sounds pretty good to me. It has to be better than Snakes on a Train.
Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes in this motherfuckin’ loveseat!
Let’s sell the motherfucker on craigslist!
or, the TV edit version: “I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this monday-to-friday loveseat!”
*IN* this loveseat. IN. [oops]
Is that a boa in your pocket, or you just happy to see me?
It’s like a cross between furniture and a whack-a-mole game. Fun for the whole family!
“Mom, the snakes are coming out of the love seat again!”
“Now honey, you know that’s why Santa brought you that claw hammer.”
Ron
Thank you for doing the research, Chief. I mean, Perry. I mean, Mr. White. 8)
I’m a collector of rare and one of a kind pieces.
I MUST have this to add to my collection.
well it’s certainly one of a kind, thanks heavens.
But I must have it, to hang next to my Still Life with Finches!* (*this is totally a real art piece, and for years when I was single but had birds, I used to think that was the title for my life. Happy to say things are different now!)
not sure what’s happening, but it seems to be eating my posts today. I just replied to you Quinn but it didn’t appear, then I tried again and I got the “duplicate comment” message. Odd
and now the post has appeared, curiouser and curiouser.
Dev, did you drink from the little bottle, or eat some of the mushroom? The answer to that will explain what’s happening to your posts. 8)
well the other day I drank from a rather large bottle, maybe I’m still suffering the after effects?
Snake-ridden furniture. This would have been impossible to invent.
Well, looky here: my nightmares are coming true and turning themselves into CL ads…
Perfect for children tired of the lame Jack in a Box toy, it’s new (possibly dead) Snake in a Loveseat. Hours of fun. Antivenom not included. Possible side effects include strangulation, learning parseltongue or a sudden desire to play the flute.
Mimi, please present your card for punching. Congratulations!
Yay, thank you! Up to two now. *grins from ear to ear*
This will go perfectly with my “chair with dead hamster” and “cabinet with dead chinchilla”. I am going for the “irresponsible pet owner” motif for my living room. I am pitching the idea to Ikea, so no one steal it!
At Ikea, Loveseat with Dead Snake is Søfahsnåkel.
IKEA is an acronym, like NATO, and therefore should be in all caps.
/pedant
But +1 for the awesome fake Swedish.
Oddly enough, NATO was working on a Loveseat with Dead Snake weapon at the end of the cold war for use against, you guessed it, SOVIET RUSSIA.
It Kan’t Easily Assemble?
Is it just me, or does ‘my snake in your loveseat’ sound like another horrible, horrible, rap euphamism? Listen for it on your local rap station, K-RAP!
At least they know it’s not.a.lion.
If someone actually *buys* this, it would need the “humanity is doomed” tag as well.
That little portion of humanity, at least.
I vote “Loveseat Snake” as band-name-of-the-day for the double entendre.
I hope someone takes it, just so she’ll be kicking herself in a week when the snake crawls out from under the fridge to be fed. heehee.
Assuming the snake is actually in the loveseat, what was it chasing? Mice? Rats? Squirrels? Small children?
She’s not just stupid. She’s sloppy. If she was a quick-thinking lass, she’d have phrased it so:
“Loveseat for sale. Comfortable. Genuine snakeskin accents! Death in the family necessitates quick sale. Don’t let this deal pass you by!”
It’s all in how you spin it.
Coco, not the first time I wish I could give someone more than one vote. 8) You do work in advertising, don’t you? Or politics.
Aw, shucks. You made me blush!
Sadly, I’m neither in politics nor advertising. Does being a student of the absurd count for anything?
bra–vo. :::opera clap:::
Where did this person go? She was rocking it!
WOW. This poster has a much MUCH better grasp of the written language than the average CL poster. She even managed to correctly spell “used to.” The number of people who leave off the “d” on “used to” and “supposed to” and the like causes me no end of woe and gnashing of teeth.
Were it not for the logic fail (missing snake = dead snake in loveseat) I think I might love this person.
Do you think hundreds of years from now, archeologists would be perplexed by a snake carcass in a loveseat frame?
“Uh, Jim. Look at this weird snake cage, why did people do this?”
Damnit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not an ophiologist!
I thought it was “Damnit Janet” …. never mind, wrong movie.
Here’s the smell to prove that I’m no joker
There’s three ways that snakes can go
Alive, dead, or loveseat croaker
Oh S-N-A-K-E
I miss you so
*sniffle* I miss all these people! Waaaaaa! Why do people have to go away? Is it something I said? Is it the dead snake loveseat in the Snark Lounge?
Why, yes, it is time for my medications. Why do you ask?
I’m off to an SCA War today, just a day trip, so everyone behave and clean up the corners when you are done with them.
I think it is fairly likely that we have a dead snake in the loveseat in the snark lounge. That and Aunt stains. However we have many live snakes that are often sent to the corner. Which is where I am going. But I am bringing a folding chair with me.
Harkening back to the similar post of Aunt stains, it occurred to me that if those people had only had an Aunt closet that sofa would have remained
Aunt stain free.
This Sparkette is a regular Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: “I have it, Watson!”
Watson: “Yes, Holmes? What is it?”
Sherlock: “Based on the odor emanating from somewhere beneath the cushions, I would say there is a snake in the loveseat!”
Watson: “A snake?”
Sherlock: “A snake.”
Watson: “A snake!”
Sherlock: “Indeed.”
Watson: “In the loveseat, you say?”
Sherlock: “In the loveseat, Watson.”
Watson: “In the loveseat!”
Sherlock: “Quite.”
Watson: “A snake in the loveseat!”
Sherlock: “A dead one.”
Watson: “A dead one?”
Sherlock: A dead one.”
Watson: “Fascinating! A dead snake!”
Sherlock: “In the loveseat.”
Watson: “A dead snake in the loveseat!”
Sherlock: “Indubitably.”
Watson: “Tell me, Holmes, how did you know?”
Sherlock: “It’s elementary, my dear Watson. First, there is the smell, of course, and the fact that the snake, which I believe to be a male of about three feet in length, hasn’t been seen for several weeks, perhaps even a month. I suspect the snake found the springs rather attractive and tried to mate with them, but got caught and was unable to extricate itself.”
Watson: “Brilliant, Holmes! You’ve done it again!”
Sherlock: “Also, there’s 3 feet of snake moult on the cushion.”
No, no, no. The snake moult costs extra.
That deserves more doors than I could ever throw. Infinity Doors to you MF.
It was elementary, my dear Lola. You see, there’s no chance the snake escaped the apartment as snakes lack the opposable thumb to open the door. He would also have been too large to fit through the screen mesh in the windows.
Boas, although apt swimmers, do not typically seek out large bodies of water, so he would have avoided the bathroom and not gone down the toilet or the tub drain.
*pulls out a pipe and fills it with bubble-solution. Starts to puff on it as she wanders around the crime scene* All the food in the kitchen is accounted for, so Snakey did not hide in the refrigerator or the freezer. Plus, the utter lack of sleeping or frozen snake points to a lack of such storage.
The only possible explanation for the snake’s disappearance is the peculiar odor of dead snake wafting from the loveseat whenever someone sits down. It’s as simple as that.
*bubble bubble*
Edit: Damn it, MF! I got distracted by a toddler and you beat me to the Holmes joke!
Those toddlers are tricky. Are you sure MF didn’t pay the child to distract you?
Tricky toddlers take time to train, truth to tell.
*opens door to bawks, walks in, turns on light and looks around*
My goodness, there was a party in here yesterday!
*brings in cleaning supplies and throws open the curtains*
*proceeds to sweep up the broken pecils, crumpled sheet music and pizza boxes left on the floor into a large garbage bag*
*opens the doors to the auntie closet and puts away the Scrabble game, Sound of Music dvd and roll of duct tape on the shelves and shoves the french horn in the bottom drawer*
What the he__?
*reaches up and pulls the lederhosen off the ceiling fan, puts them in the garbage bag and sets it outside the door*
There, that’s better. Hopefully, it will be nice and quiet in here today. I think I’ll just take a little snooze.
*settles down on the brown plaid loveseat by the window*
Oh my, this is quite comfy.
*closes eyes*
“broken pecils”
That must have been SOME party. Should I be in the corner?
It’s always a hell of a party in the baux. Especially when Julie Andrews is involved.
Archie, you shouldn’t have to clean the box when it’s your day to shine! Don’t we pay the lurkers to do that?
You pay the lurkers?! Why am I commenting then!? I’m still unemployed.
We pay them in internets and obos, and if they help with the coffee slices, they can have one every week.
Oh, I’ll stick with commenting then. I enjoy it much more than any OBO.
No worries, Windy! I had a lovely day in the box. And I’m ready for your punch any time.
*holds champagne glass up out of the reach of Windy’s swing*
I like chocolate.
I like snakes. I also like chocolate. Now by Sparkette logic, the natural conclusion is that I like chocolate covered snakes. I will pass on dead loveseat snake especially since there is nothing to point to the snake being chocolate covered.
Some dumbass snake goes sniffin’ about for dustbunnies and we get to hear all about the results.
Strange times indeed.
that “Maya with Doll” painting rather disturbs me
:ditto that:
Congratulations on your new digs, Silva
I’m having a housewarming party next month myself*
*Ok, so it’s the 15th annual house party, but still….
Thanks for giving me a clue so I can congrats Silva too. Yay Silva! I also think that painting is creepy. On the topic of the still life, I just saw a sign with Vincent Van Gogh on it that said “Way to Gogh!.” It was for graduation cards. I totally follow the logic that a man who chopped off his ear and then killed himself should be congratulating new grads on their accomplishments.
So, is “Pulling the snake out of the couch” in the Walrus Sutra? ‘Cause I can’t seem to find it.
Don’t…smell…that…loveseat!
Hey, it’s a bargean, for a little about of money you either get a loveseat with a dead snake in it, or a loveseat with (possible) dozens of live snakes. I mean, people play the lottery for worse odds then that!
Gamblers seem to dislike snake eyes for some reason.
Must investigate!
Sorry Archie! I was so tired last night I went to be without punching out. It happens. Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Morning, NATO!
That’s ok, Windy. The punch this morning (plus coffee) got me up and going for the day. And, on the upside, look at all the overtime you clocked in by not punching out. 🙂 You can probably get payment in birdseed.