YSaC, Vol. 484: Hypno-dog.
***PET Photography***
Wouldn’t you love to have some nice memorable photographs of your pets to keep or send to others? Here’s the deal. If you have any photos of your pet, I can make them into some amazing artwork. There are way to many background and scenery to list. You can even suggest your own and I can probably make it. What I need is a very CLEAR , good quality and if possible high resolution photo of the pet you would like to see. I will make your portrait and return to you. All I ask is a “reasonable” fee for my time. Please respond to this e-mail for any addtional information that you may have. Or send phone # and I will contact you. I can, only if needed, come to you and take the pictures myself. These are not Amateur photos that I produce. Below is an Example of my work. Remember, I can make almost any kind of scenery or background that you like.
Lamar
So, this isn’t really pet photography so much as it is pet Photoshop. Bad pet Photoshop. With a disembodied head. Does he charge extra for the disembodied head? Is he insinuating that he is someone’s baby, just like the Satanic Pomeranians he’s slapped randomly onto a different layer? Why is there a disembodied head in this artwork, Lamar? And why is he looking at me?
I have a number in mind for the “reasonable” fee I’d be willing to pay Lamar for his time. That number is between zero and, well, zero. Actually, is it possible to charge Lamar for wasting my time? Or for the shock therapy I’m going to need to get the image of him peering at me out of my head?
Lamar wants me to respond with any additional information I may have. Okay, Lamar, here’s some information: haphazardly combining pictures of Satanic Pomeranians and butterflies with stock backgrounds using what I’m sure is an illegal copy of Photoshop is not art.
Oh, and there’s a filter to remove that glare from the Satanic Pomeranian’s eyes.
Thanks, Leslie, for the submission!
At least Lamar quit while he was a head. Putting myself in the corner for the bad pun right now.
Ooo, I like her! Can she stay?
Welcome, Kelli. I have a feeling you’re going to fit in here juuuuust fine…..
In Soviet Russia, disembodied head in a field is yours.
Would Satanic Pomeranians be a good band name?
Yes. That was one of my immediate thoughts.
I think I might start a band just to use that name. Not that I have any musician friends right now (besides one girl who owns, but cant play, an ocarina). I would need to borrow some musicians from this crowd, I think.
I could produce a series of bad albums using the other band names that have resulted from other YSaC entries.
Who’s in?
Triangle here.
I can play Ode to Joy on a guitar, although extremely slow and fumbly.
I’m a great vocalist and a mediocre bass player. Don’t think I can handle the commute, though.
I’m a skilled violist, but I think I’ll play flute.
Ed-No worries! You can be bass. Skill has no place in our amazing band! And we’ll just splice in recordings of you and use a hologram if you don’t want to commute.
drmk and I own a bass, and know approximately how to hold it.
I own a 17 year old boy who can play trumpet and guitar!
I played (read as “attempted to play but sucked at”) clarinet for two years in middle school, I could dust mine off and join the band.
Jami, Dan, excellent! Windrose…which is he less competent at? I hope it’s trumpet, because we don’t have one of those yet!
Oh, sorry! He’s competent at both. But I can borrow his trumpet! I really blow at brass.
I also have a six year old nephew who likes to “play” guitar and “sing.” He likes to use tamborines and bang on drums too if needed. I’m sure my sister wouldn’t mind if we borrowed him.
I call the jaw harp and banjo!
I can also play a mean “jug” but it’s hard to do with the jaw harp. I’ll need to have a jug solo part in every song.
I’m thinking of learning to play the Theremin as well. I am sure my banjo/jaw harp/jug/Theremin combo will add a much-needed zest to the Satanic Pomeranians. Am I hired?
I can play the kazoo
Has anyone got the singing saw yet? How about the spoons?
Our first CD should be named My Babies. Come to think of it, this guy might make some good money when we use his sample “art” as our album cover.
The second single should be called “example photo”
I was thinking more of a disaster movie, but made in cheap Photoshop aesthetic. You know, satanic pomeranians invading a world of flourescent grass, Comic Sans titles and badly layered butterflies. Sort of “Invasion-of-the-body-snatchers-meets-Sound-of-music-meets-Istockphoto-watermark” style.
Then again band could make the original score.
I’m sure it would be in the least creative.
The disembodied head is my favorite part of the entire picture. I wonder if that is the guy making this fine “art.”
Also, why is that Pomerania wearing a necklace? Do the Satanic Pomeranians mug people and steal their jewelry? God I hope so, it would back up my theory that those dogs are pure evil under all that fluff.
P.S. Ed is right, Satanic Pomeranians would be a great name for a band.
Heh. Your typo makes me picture a far-off land called Pomerania, populated entirely by small fluffy dogs with a bad case of red-eye.
Psst! Count: Pomerania had 2.4 million inhabitants in 1939. And only a few of them were small fluffy dogs. I think. 8)
I fail at geography. Makes sense that pomeranian dogs were named after a country (like Bernese mountain dogs or Persian cats) but I’ve never heard of Pomerania. :”>
Pomerania is/was Germany/Polandish, if memory serves (it’s Friday and I’m too lazy to open another tab for Wikipedia).
Holy crap, I didn’t even notice the typo. I commented just before I went to bed this morning and I guess my brain wasn’t functioning properly.
I’ve finally decided that re: the jewelry, they are Thug Life Poms, and that is their Bling.
When he talked about putting the pets onto different backgrounds, I thought he meant actually making it look like the dog or cat is sitting in a field, forest, truck stop men’s room, etc. This is what the phrase “making a pet portrait” implies to me–not just plunking the entire photo down against a backdrop.
At least he only asks for a “reasonable” fee for his time (so five minutes at $8.50/hr would be…?). I saw a chick online who did “pet portraits” that were obviously just people’s dog and cat photos with the background edited out, run through a Photoshop filter so they looked like line drawings. And she was charging $100 for them!
..about $0.43
Oh. I think I’ll pass.
Send me your very best, high resolution photos of your pets, and I will muck them up beyond your wildest imagination. And only charge you a reasonable fee. And you get your photos back! Don’t make me drive there and take the photos for you!
“Don’t make me drive there and take the photos for you!”
Are you suggesting the head in the field is a subtle threat?
Subtle, to the same degree that these works of art are not Amateur.
I think the only person who would find this artwork amazing is a blind man. Even that’s a stretch.
But if I already have photographs of my pets, then … I already have photographs of my pets. I don’t think Lamar knows what the word “photograph” means. Or “amateur.” Or “reasonable.” Or … you know what, there are way too many idea and word to list.
Dear Lamar:
I’m afraid I’ll have to pass and go with the kid who owns Bo Jangles instead! I’m only being reasonable.
http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=3299
He could also to the advertising, posters, flyers, booklets and programmes for the guy who does religious plays with animals in his mom’s trailer.
Not gonna lie, that guy and his Meemaw were the first thing that came to mind when I read this ad.
As a graphic designer I am shocked and insulted and … oh who am I kidding, I’m LMAO! I give him credit for his mad shadowing skillz but minus points for the awful path he drew around his head. The dog’s eyes, of course, needed to be filtered, the dog’s photos could have used color balancing, and the shine on the head could have used some attention. The font … oh, don’t tell me he outlined it and applied a 3-D affect to it. The frame around the whole thing seems unnecessary and crops too close to the title. As for the composition, the title all around just is too crowded and needs a little more room to breathe. But this is your lucky day – for a “reasonable” fee for my time I can take his portrait of your pet(s) and fix it.
The eternal headache for professionals in graphic design – an amateur can purchase a computer and Photoshop and charge money for their work and POOF suddenly they are more than an amateur.
Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If this floats your boat, it’s his lucky day!
I certainly don’t want that guy to have my babies. This ad has only succeeded in warni— ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-DOGS
I completely agree. I wouldn’t trust my pre– ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-DOGS…
Is “ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-DOGS” going to be the first single released by Satanic Pomeranians?
Don’t be silly Mimi, dogs can’t – ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-DOGS
What are you people going on abou…HYPNO-DOGS. MUST. SERVE. THE. HYPNO-DOGS.
Mimi- Yes. I think it will be. Are you musical? Want to be in a band? Actually, I don’t care if you’re musical. YOU’RE IN.
ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-DOGS.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
(I was a violinist for twelve years, but I think I’d rather be an audience member/groupie for the Satanic Pomeranians. As long as I’m not too poor to follow them around in a van.)
Sometimes you folks just go too –HYPNODOGS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED AND PHOTOSHOPED.
Say, could someone photoshop another P in there for me? Thanks.
I play piano (a bit) and flute (poorly) but count me in!
I am guessing that this wasn’t even created with Photoshop. More likely it was created with a digital scrapbooking program. This is nowhere near a pet portrait, only really bad digital scrapbooking.
I’m snickering over this at work and my coworker looks over and says “What is that? Possessed Pomeranians?” That, and So Many Kinds of Wrong.
When I was first reading this, I was making the (incorrect for YSAC, or CL in general, I know) assumption that the person who was writing was doing so competently (the first few lines with proper spelling, capitalization, and punctuation fooled me), and then I got to “There are way to many background” and I thought it was supposed to be “there are ways to many backgrounds” and that he was going to take you on a tour of them so you could have your dogs photographed on multiple backgrounds of your choice, or maybe it was some kind of spiritual experience relating to The Way (whatever that is and wherever it goes). Then I realized it was supposed to be “There are way too many backgrounds.” Boring! I wanted an experience of this guy chauffering me around with the demon dogs and discussing theology. With a taser in my pocket, of course.
Boy did you think too hard on that one.
Nope, she thought to hard, it was a stop on the tour.
Right next to Rock. At one point we were between Rock and Hard place.
As for thinking too hard about random things, that’s just what my brain does on Fridays before it’s properly caffeinated.
Funny, that’s usually a Tuesday for me.
Mimi: Wow. I didn’t quiet get this last night. This morning, DING! LOL Amazing what sleep and caffeine, in that order, can do for a person.
I had the same initial reaction:
“Looks good, written in real English. A bit informal, but makes sense. … Whoops, never mind, just another CL weirdo with a computer and no ability to self-edit.”
I recommend you keep the taser in your hand. And use it at the slightest provocation. That’s what I do with MY babies and disembodied heads, and I have not been possessed one single time.
Ok, that REALLY reminded me of this ad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4LTTmRa698&feature=related
Maybe it’s just me, but waking up suddenly and having a gun within reach does not strike me as a good idea, especially for people like me who are hostile and confused upon waking.
arallyn – such an amazing advert ..and surely all that metal under the mattress would be uncomfortable? I think a guard alien Pomeranian would be much simpler (and it could keep you warm on cold nights)
What I really want a taser for is the subway (finally get back at the gropers), but going on a car ride with this dude seems an appropriate situation in which to arm oneself with the device.
I can’t stop laughing at Lamar’s disembodied head glaring at me. I think his eyes are following me.
That’s a technique employed by professional artists called “total frontality.” That’s how we know Lamar isn’t just an Amateur.
The Head.
That head is really, really scary. It made me think of that one CS Lewis novel (third in a trilogy?) where people kept talking about the head’s orders and you think they are talking about the Head of Department or something British like that, but it turns out to be an actual severed head that is kept alive by a combination of scientific and occult means and it scared the whoopty-doo out of me the first time I read it.
Or “Ignore the man behind the curtain” and the Wizard of Oz, who also haunted my six-year-old nightmares. (In case you forgot.)
Or various and sundry other scary severed heads of my acquaintance.
EDIT: Yay! My first embedded URL. Thank you, Jami_no_e, for the tips in the forum.
I love those books! It is part of a trilogy, the first is called (I think) ‘Out of the Silent Planet’. The third one really freaks me out though.
“That head is really, really scary. It made me think of that one CS Lewis novel (third in a trilogy?) where people kept talking about the head’s orders and you think they are talking about the Head of Department or something British like that, but it turns out to be an actual severed head that is kept alive by a combination of scientific and occult means and it scared the whoopty-doo out of me the first time I read it.”
Cled, you aren’t the only one. I read that in college (not as a child) and 15 years later “Alcasan” still can have me staring into the dark at night.
You’re welcome! Glad I could help.
The Wizard of Oz totally haunted my dreams when I was younger too.
I was fortunate enough to be spared the sight of the freaky Wizard of Oz head for many, many years, because I ran screaming for my bedroom and hid under the covers the rest of the night at the first hint of the flying monkeys.
Would love to see what Lamar could do with flying monkeys. Then again, maybe not.
Was it necessary for the… uh, artist to print “example photo” on this offering? Was anyone considering right-clicking on it and saving it as their own?
If it wasn’t labeled, people might think he accidentally put up a picture that his 4-year-old nephew with bad vison did.
That is the part that makes me feel a little sorry for Lamar. It looks like he really, honestly thinks that is an excellent piece and that he is on his way to a lucrative professional career.
Reminds me of when I wrote stories in junior high and marked each page “Unpublished manuscript. Not for distribution.” As though someone would have wanted to.
P.S. Is this a new edit add-in, drmk? It seems to work much better than when we first got edits. Thanks.
I’m offended and insulted by this ad. First, the title is clearly ***PET Photography***, yet, we find out that we are expected to take the photos and this schmendrick just puts them into a vomit-inducing collage, then he has the nerve to charge for this “service.” The implication being that I am too incompetent to take a picture with my pets and I in the same shot, and too blind to recognize pure crap in the form of a five-minute Photoshop job.
Ten points for “schmendrick”.
Yiddishism FTW.
Someone has to represent among all these goyim.
“Someone has to represent among all these goyim.”
This shiksa agrees.
Yiddish is possibly the best language ever for expressiveness of primal feelings. Particularly when combined with hand gestures and facial expressions. When Pakistani cabbies in NYC are calling people who cut them off “You putz!” it is because that person is indeed a putz and no other word will do.
Took a lot of schmaltz to post that ad, and then he has to schlep the photos from the mail box to the computer. Oy! What a goniff.
Schmatz und chutzpah, both. Also, a goniff and a schmuck. It’s less of a schlep for him if you email the photos, but then he’d probably kvetch because the quality wouldn’t be as good, you know, as your scanned, mailed photographs. I think it’s schlock and not worth bubkes. Who is this pisher, anyway? Nothing but tsuris he would give you. Feh.
@Graham:
Is Petzl a Yiddish word? If not, it should be!
Ja, es bedeutet “small penis” auf Englisch.
Now I’m thinking of the possibly-even-worse genre: ***PETZL Photography***
I suspect this refers to the unfortunate photos which all-too-often populate the “m4w” entries from those with no boundaries, sense of decorum, or grasp of reality.
ROFL, Lola.
If you’re looking to cash in, you better post your ad fast before someone beats you to the punch. Make sure you emphasize that you’re not an amateur.
“PETZL PHOTOGRAPHY : your petzl’ lov’it!!”
This raises sooo many questions:
Is the disembodied head one of “My Babies”? Whose baby is he?
OR is there a scary bodiless man giving birth to babies that look like demon dogs?
And, who told our friend Lamar that his “art” was amazing?
The Hypno-Dogs told him. The Hypno-Dogs are the All-Seeing Eye.
I would be willing to bet Lamar is not even his real name. He probably stole it from the billboard company, thinking it would give his graphic design-ness more street cred.
His real name: Lamer.
Or…is it something more sinister? Lamar could be a thinly disguised version of Lamia.
Perhaps the demon has taken on the guise of a simpleminded Photoshop Failer and has enlisted two hounds of hell to assist her in her evil mission to lure in and devour unsuspecting fools who think butterflies and disembodied heads are high art!
But it could just be that Lamar is Lamer. Whichever.
Why do I get the impression that someone owes some money to the little Satanic dog on the left? He reminds me of a guy I borrowed money from in college. At 100% interest.
I used to work in an art gallery and everyday as I walked to work, I would pass another huuuuge gallery full of paintings of dogs in neon colours. And everyday I thought to myself, “Its the world’s largest collection of ugly pictures of dogs!” Lamar’s ad has reminded me of this gallery. The gallery is no longer there, having had to shut it’s doors due to the poor economy. I wonder if Lamar used to work there……
*whistle* Improper use of an apostrophe, ten yard penalty, second down.
Be nice.
Sowwy. 🙁
I mean, it was only really worth a five-yard penalty.
I’m on my phone… Give me a break…. 🙁
People, you’re overlooking the most important part! Lamar adds beveled edges. You can’t just add beveled edges, that’s a PROFESSIONAL TOUCH. Totally triples the amount of money it’s worth!
At first, I thought, “Hey, that’s not too bad.” There ARE crazy pet lovers/scrap bookers who would enjoy this type of thing. Now, why anyone would pay for it, is another question. Then we get to the floating head, my brain just stopped right there. It made me think of those “find the hidden object” pictures, as seeing “the head” is so clearly visible, I freaked and couldn’t look at the photo anymore, in fear of what else might be.. lurking in the photo..
Hello new desktop wallpaper!
I think we should all band together as a group and start PETP: People for the Ethical Treatment of Photoshop. We can have protests, and make signs. It would be so fun!
Hmmm … I like the idea, but … since people pronounce PETA as pet-ah or peet-ah, do you think it’s entirely wise to have an organization that could be pronounced “pet-pee”? Or “pee-tip”? I think both possibilities are stinky.
You make a valid point Lola… Hmmm. How about PABUP: People Against Bad Useage of Photoshop? Or PACPA: People Against Crappy Photoshop Art.
I’m liking PACPA, myself.
Alrighty then, PECAP it is. We shall hold our first meeting at the anual YSaC get-togheter. Our first order of business will be electing leaders and then we will move on to mocking bad photoshoping. Snacks of Goldfish, cookies, scones, muffins, tea and coffee will be provided. Please bring your laptops.
Er, what does PECAP stand for? You didn’t mention that one above.
Still, I’m bringing Goldfish and a laptop (not mine, I don’t have one).
Ack, I meant PACPA not PECAP… My proof reading and typing skills fail today.
http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/
Yes, I know, I need a twelve step program because I read daily way too many blogs. But this one is relevant to this discussion. 8)
Doesn’t matter what we call ourselves, our cause is just!!! We must assail this scourge of vile photoshoppery! We few, we tasteful few, we band of YSAC commenters, on this day, we fight!
Or something like that.
Lola, I am inspired! I also feel like I should be dressed for some sort of battle, posibly while wearing a kilt or a scanty loin cloth/ leather get-up.
Jami, wear whatever you like. Though I really don’t want to see anyone wearing a Snuggie/Slanket out of the house, if no one minds …
You’re right, in fact we should have some sort of dress code. Nothing too serious, just things like “no Snuggies/Slankets” and “no Crocs.” Oh, we should make shirts! YSaC for PACPA! I’ll get on the design imediately. All sugestions are welcome.
Does our dress code REQUIRE clothing? Because I’m all about a no-pants policy.
No pants is perfectly acceptable.
The dress code/ policy should go as such:
-Prohibited items are as follow: Snuggies and/ or Slankets, Crocs, and any other item deemed unacceptable at any time.
-Pants are optional.
-YSaC merchandise is encouraged.
-Clothing covered in pet hair is also encourage. However, pet butt dandruff is discouraged (but not against the rules).
-Failure to comply with the dress code is punishable. Punishments may include, but are not limited to: removal of snack privileges at all PACPA functions for no less than 2 gatherings, ridicule by fellow PACPA members, and Internet photos of the offender wearing prohibited garments.
Please feel free to make suggestions to the dress policy.
You know, completely off-topic here but there was a photo on People of Walmart the other day of a lady wearing a Snuggie AND Crocs together. In public.
A no-pants policy is fine by me, but I definitely think we ought to outline rules governing the suitable use of Snuggies and/or Crocs, and make very clear the penalties for violation of the dress code terms.
I’m thinking of punishments involving crocodiles and muriatic acid. Thoughts?
If I’m not leaving the house for 24+ hours, and don’t intend to move much, can I wear a snuggie?
I don’t have one, but COULD I?
Wait, when was this? I only check that site out every few days but I usually go through everything I’ve missed. Obviously I missed something terrible.
I think that snuggies would make excellent and absorbent rags. They look WAY more absorbent than ShamWows.
Igor- No.
What is the discontent with Crocs? I feel like I am missing an obvious earlier refrence. Help…
As far as I know, you’re not missing anything. I just really dislike crocs and think they should be banned from life.
Plus, they get caught in escalator steps and cause untold tragedy to whole families. Or is that just an urban myth?
Crocs are a blight on society if worn by people other than nurses, etc., where they would be justifiable for comfort, etc. They are fug.
Snuggies are for people who haven’t figured out that one can wear a cardigan or zip hoodie and a blanket at the same time. Same for Slankets, which is possibly the most hideous portmanteau name for something ever.
Crocs and a Snuggie together? That’s a concept that makes me want to cry from offended aesthetics.
/rant
By the way Lola, the word “Slanket” is hillarious and sounds like it should be describing something else.
Once again, no Igor. sigh.
Sleeping or eating Goldfish, I ‘spect. Or perhaps his parents have enforced non-virtual personal interaction.
Enh, he was just on Facebook. I think I sorta skeeved him out the other day, though, so I didn’t say anything to him. I’m wondering why he hasn’t stopped by yet today.
It’s gross, Lola! Hellllpppp….!!
No, I’ve been working with my school admins a lot lately on something…. Important to me.
Needless to say, I’m still working on getting meetings, and discussing it with my parents, etc.
Have fun with that.
You are a weird bird, Igor. I’m sorry if I really did skeeve you out with my take on life.
Will you be less disgusted with me (assuming you were before) if I give you goldfish?
Igor – and other Pratchett fans – check out NT Live on 30th January 2010 they are broadcasting to cinemas “world wide”a live theatre production of Nation ! http://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/ntlive
I saw their first experiment (Phaedre) and it was stunning – excellent coverage of the whole stage, more like a movie than a live play, and without the hassle of travelling into London and most likely not being able to get a seat anywhere near the stage.
-Does not remember being skeeved out-
-Is not sure what there is to be skeeved out about in terms of peoples’ opinions-
-Nods off again-
Schmeh, you were just being weird after I said some stuffs that normally creep others out. Tis cool if you don’t remember, though 😛
The crookedness of the dog + the crookedness of the yellow butterfly = my eyes trying to shift the butterfly into a jaunty bowtie for the dog.
Satanic Pomeranians do NOT wear bowties!
Personally, I think he deliberately added the satanic glow. They make the stuffed pomeranians appear much more lifelike. Do you have any idea how expensive good-quality glass eyes can be? It’s hard when you’re an amateur taxidermist on a budget.
Loyal subjects,
To prove your undying devotion, bring me the following items:
1 rotisserie chicken
2 roasted pheasants
the head of Garfield the cat
Your master,
Zorra
That’s ridiculous! Where am I going to get a pheasant at this time of—ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-DOG. OBEY, OBEY, OBEY…
Hey, you can’t just waltz in here and order us ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-DOG.
When I first read this, I automatically assumed PET meant Positron Emission Tomography. After reading the first few sentences (and not scrolling down far enough to see the pictures) I was really excited about the prospect of someone uber-creative making artwork out of PET scans of people’s pets.
Then I scrolled down. And all my dreams were shattered. But if any pet owners are interested, I’m starting up a new pet portrait company. All I need is a PET machine and large quantities of radioactive isotopes. Oh, and someone to be in charge of holding the Satanic Pomeranians still for their photographs.
But I’m accepting pre-orders so cal for more details.
Wow, and anyone know why my font is so big? It makes me feel important, but I don’t know what I did…
Heh. I’d improperly closed a tag earlier in the page. Fixed now.
And…I’m no longer important. Bummer.
I didn’t have time to read all the comments yet, but I just wanted to be clear…Lamar is not offering amateur photography. THIS is profes… well…… ummmm…………What would it be exactly?
Can anyone confirm that the purple light effect on right Satanic Pomeranian is proof of paranormal activity?