YSaC, Vol. 280: It’s not just Craigslist, apparently …
… people suck at other online classifieds, too. Witness this post on Kijiji, a Canadian classifieds:
GREAT DEAL, MUST SELL ASAP
Price: $250.00Visits: 226
14 YEAR OLD DEAF WHITE CAT. SPAYED AND SHOTS ARE UP TO DATE. 2 DIFFERENT COLOR EYES. WARNING: ONLY LIKES TO BE PET ON THE HEAD, DO NOT TOUCH HER BODY. GREAT DEAL, ONLY SELLING BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE HER AS MUCH AS I USED TO. VERY SMART AND SNEAKY CAT, WOULD BE A GREAT ADDITION TO SINGLE MEN’S HOMES. SHE IS VERY POLITE. GIVE HER A CHANCE. ALSO YOU CAN RENAME HER BECAUSE SHE IS DEAF. ONLY REPLY IF YOU WILL FEED HER SOFT STUFF.
*bangs head against computer*
Apparently this person is used to shouting at their deaf cat — that would explain the all-caps posting. As for the rest of it … apparently the cat is very polite AND very sneaky. She’s politely sneaky. Unless you touch her body, in which case she apparently turns into a whirling dervish of epic proportions.
And does this person really think they’re going to get $250 for a 14-year-old cat? And that that’s a “great deal”? At that age, their warranty has pretty much expired. Yeah, sure, cats can live into their 20s sometimes, but that’s the exception. At 14, you’re pretty much dealing with a geriatric cat. (Suddenly, in my head, the cat has the voice of Abe Simpson.)
There’s a bit of a disconnect between “MUST SELL!” and “Only selling because I don’t like her as much as I used to.” I mean, both are asshat-worthy, but tell a different story.
You know, I don’t like my brother as much as I used to, either. I wonder if I could sell him? Oh, but he’s not deaf, so you couldn’t rename him. And he doesn’t eat only soft stuff.*
*Full disclosure: I don’t actually have a brother, but if I did, I’m sure this guy would seriously consider selling him.
Meanwhile, over in the motherland, England has a website called gumtree.com, which contained this post:
Looking for platonic friendship (prefibaly couples) for interesting debates etc. Age: 47
Location: West Yorkshire
The Wife!
My personality is now that of a front fastening, backward fitting one. With a bilateral defect of some sort running through the middle left centre of my concussed mind. Which in effect leads me to thinking I’m rather erratic and a slightly confused individual.A pendulum swinger perhaps? Painfully shy to extrovert in 60 seconds! A little to the right. No, sorry left. Oops! I meant right. No left, or was that a right? Dam! Anyway you’ve just missed me.
Seeking friends of a distinctive nature for a platonic friendship, and imaginary company…lolOnce you get past my coma image you will find me to be a ‘very passionate’, sometimes secretive and a very intense individual to say the least!
Meet me somewhere between here and there! But defiantly not in the middle.
The Husband!
Testing! Testing! 123…….. darling is this thing switched on?
This is planet Earth I assume……..please do forgive me as I turned Left at Pluto and not Right as instructed by my prat-nav. Lol. Coughs in a rather loud and unusual manner before being rudely interrupted by the editor (the wife).
“What the heck are you talking about you silly pratt!” “Just try and be serious here so people reading our small concise profile will have a better understanding of what we are trying to say!”
Husband’s voice: “Sorry dear!” I was trying to break the bad news to the earth creatures in a mild and gentle manner.” (Bang!)
The space craft that they were both traveling in comes to a grinding thud, as it hits the solid concrete floor in the middle of a local Whacky Warehouse. The shiny metal hatch of the small craft slowly starts to open, allowing the aliens to exit the craft into their new and undiscovered world.
As they climb down from the now crumpled craft. Charley Chalk (the clown) is standing and looking dumb struck as ever. As he try’s to make sense of what just happened. “What the devil is going on here!” Say’s Charlie Chalk. Are you two dummies or what?”
Aliens: “Sorry we on a crash course to Alpha Centuri 9 and decided crash here instead.”
An alarm clock is heard buzzing!……………Bloomin heck is that the time I’d better hand you back to front to the wife! …..Ay?
*********************************************************
Now to the serious stuff!
We are seeking other couples for PLATONIC friendship only!
we are also interested in meeting people with a very out of the ordanary life style E.G. Recluses, people with unusual phobias, loners, and people that are generally like us. With one foot in this world and one foot out. We do not like the norm as far as everyday life goes either. Please understand that we will take people as we find them and treat them with all due respect at all time even when having fun. Thankyou!
They look like a perfectly normal couple, except for those drapes that are engaged in a life-or-death struggle with the wallpaper and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT CREATURE THEY HAVE STUFFED ON THEIR WALL? Is that a vole? A capybara? A weasel? Why would you stuff a weasel and put it on your wall?
So rest assured, folks, it’s not just the USA that’s doomed, it’s humanity in general. That makes me feel better worse like going to have a nap.
Thanks to Robyn for the Canadian kitty and Henry in London for the alien couple!
I think I could be friends with the second ad. Just not at their house.
what in the crap was the second posting? they want a friend. oh sure, they are a real catch. but one problem with their little plan. they want to befriend a hermit? really? REALLY? Makes me wonder that if a hermit is in hiding, maybe he doesn’t want friends?
As for Alien Cat, looks like he belongs to our eccentric (ie: really odd) Brits.
Seeking out loners and hermits to make friends is like trying to get an anarchist to join your political party. ; )
The first ad makes me want to cry.
The second ad makes me want to cry.
But for different reasons.
Poor kitty! I hope someone nice saw the post and adopted her and renamed her Miss Adorable Beautiful Kitty!!! Poor thing.
i consider myself pretty jaded and cold, but that first posting was one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen. The person getting rid of their elderly 14 year old (72 human age) weird-eyed, deaf cat because they were losing interest in it. I think this is an example of the haphazardly way people treat their pets.
I really hope that when the poster becomes old and their body starts to fail, his or her family ditch her in a nursing home and never visit her again. Karmic justice.
Sorry that was a little more “crazy rant” than i was going for.
*steps off soapbox*
I’m with you, CF. Stupid humans. I need to go cuddle my geriatric cat now.
Financially, a 14-year-old cat is not a “GREAT DEAL” or even a non-capitalized great deal unless they actually _pay you_ to take the cat. My cats are fifteen and I think I spend more than $250 a year just buying them special food, never mind the vet bills.
Obviously, for most of us it’s not about the finances. I’m just saying.
Re: the 2nd ad – So nice to see David Brent again! He’s truly “mental”!
Random Person – I spend about $350 a year on my kittens’ food. However, I’m starting them off right in hopes that down the line, they won’t have all those problems (those vet bills!) and that they’ll be happier, healthier pets – who always give me lots of love. How could I ever give them any less. AND HOW COULD THIS PERSON LIKE THEIR CAT LESS? My guess is kitty has some potty issues and the owner can’t be arsed to deal with it. I think that cat will likely be better off with someone who might actually show it some affection. Poor kitty.
Oh, and deaf? If my kitties aren’t deaf, they sure do a pretty good impression of it for all the times they ignore my instructions!
I was thinking you could probably rename any cat, deaf or not. Mine usually come when I call (unless they don’t feel like it) but I’m pretty sure they don’t know their names. I think they just respond to the tone of voice and overall sound. But like yours, they don’t seem to hear me when I tell them to stop misbehaving!
Wow, you only spend about $350 a year on your cat’s food? I spend $100 every 6 *weeks* on my dog’s food. He has allergies and is on a special grain free organic raw diet. He’s allergic to wheat, corn, chicken, and turkey. We also avoid beef, pork and lamb as they are common allergins as well. Alternative protiens such as rabbit, phesant, venison, duck, and bison are more expensive.
I don’t mind the expense, he’s totally worth it. I’m in it for the long haul. I’ve had him since he was 6 weeks old and will have him until his time on earth is over.
Yep, I plan to have my kitties for their entire lives (or mine, who knows, they may outlive me!) I also feed them the grain free organic raw diet (Stella & Cheweys!) but since they only weigh 8 pounds each, I don’t have to feed them as much as you would your dog.
pfft!
I spend 75+ dollars a week on animal consumables. Cat food for 3, Dog food for 2 Chihuahuas, wee wee pads, litter. These are small animals too, not big ones.
Then there’s the treats. Bonito flakes, 30 bucks a bag, duck breast jerky with glucosamine $$, etc. I cook for them once a week too.
You clearly aren’t spending enough.
wait, he doesnt like the cat anymore but only willing to sell it someone who will cater to its soft food needs? poor kitty
Hey. I was thinking, does anyone know the Canadian-US conversion rate?
Because if this post was Canadian, maybe 250.00 dollars is less in Canada than it seems to myself as a sexy, fiscally-responsible, American.
It fluctuates, but something for which you would be charged $250 in the States would be fairly close to the same price in Canada. (If you were to exchange your money in order to buy this cat you’d pay about 80% of $250, at the current exchange rate.)
About the quaint British interior, I beleive that the weird animal is actually alive and peeking through a specially adapted hole in the wall…
About the quaint British interior, I beleive that the weird animal is actually alive and peeking through a specially adapted hole in the wall…
(oops, sorry for the double post…)
I keep wondering, also, did this person have the cat its whole life, or did he adopt it recently? Could you really want to get rid of a cat because you liked it less, after 14 years? Um, and what exactly about this cat is it that makes it suitable for a single man’s home? I can see that this particular cat probably wouldn’t do well with kids, but why a single guy rather than a woman or couple?
Thats actually the two things that i thought too.
Maybe he recently recieved/rescued the cat and just wants to find it a good home. But “ONLY SELLING BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE HER AS MUCH AS I USED TO” seems to say “i’ve had this cat for 14 years but i’m tired of this old deaf cat, i’m getting one of those small cute LOLcats.
And what makes it better for single men than single women. My guess is the cat is old and deaf, but it can make awesome baked spaghetti and wash laundry without turning the socks pink.
Here’s a thought, maybe his girlfriend is making him get rid of the cat. She probably loves kittens but hates a weird-eyed, tired, deaf cat that scratches her when she touches its back.
It’s a fox and they’re both crazy.
It’s a sad sight when an evil genius has to sell his beloved Mr Bigglesworth just to pay rent for his secret underground lair. Seriously – if you re-read the ad imagining that Dr Evil has fallen on hard times, it almost doubles the comedy (and explains the caps lock).
I think the couple in the second ad should consider themselves lucky to have found each other… it’s hard enough to find a spouse to understand you when you’re that crazy, much less find another couple to deal with the two of you!
(I’m speaking with some sympathy here… I consider myself pretty darn crazy, but even I’m not sure I could be friends with these folks!)
I’m with everyone else about the tragic cat post. My cat is 10 years old now….. and I’ll be honest she’s nowhere near as fun as she used to be but I signed up for life. As a matter of fact, I have made preparations for her to live with my parents if my husband and I die. Kittens become cats and cats become cranky old ladies…… that’s life.
Also, what is with the crazy rehoming fee? I can understand wanting to charge $10 so that your pet doesn’t get taken to an animal testing facility, but $250??? Really?
I laughed so hard I cried. That poor cat.
who wouldn’t pay extra for different color eyes!
I have been wondering if gumtree adds could appear here – that place is full of all sorts of crazy. Almost died laughing at the strangely smiling fox!
The cat ad, and especially the comment that follows had me in tears laughing. I’m sure you like to hear “success” stories about this blog, so here goes: I recently had a very serious “man-to-man” conversation with my girlfriend’s father, and I had just read this post, and for some reason it popped into my mind. I started laughing hysterically and now her dad thinks I don’t respect him.
“Unless you touch her body, in which case she apparently turns into a whirling dervish of epic proportions.”…I’m still laughing
I really really wish I hadn’t discovered this site during down time at work. I’m also really greatful that my office is slightly removed from the main one, it’s easier to cover up laughing when no-one can see your shoulders shaking.
Poor deaf cat
That first picture in the second ad is totally Brent Spiner!
Ah, England! The land where couples get together to plan the playful decapitation of lonely singles. Really. They do. I mean, obviously.
Why do so many people write “defiantly” when they mean “definitely”?
People who do that are defiantly idiots.