YSaC, Vol. 1492: Wordhippo fails again
Old used soap (Used)
I’m very fearful of the chemicals that they use in today’s cleaning products for the human genitalia. In old times, there were less mean stuff that dried out my lions. Now I am in search of LEVER 2000 series 1992. I do not object to something similar if you know what I mean. I just want something or someone to clean all of my 2000 parts without threatening my existence. It has been scientifically proven that 75% of your dust is your dead shredded skin cannibalism. It is so forth natural to bullshit scientist. They say this is okay, as they fill your head full of Benadryl and Zyrtec. I’m not buying that taco. Who’s coming with me. I need your soapy lather goodness. Trust me I know your MOM!!!! SHE WOULD NEVER LET YOU SUFFER FLESH EATING CIRCUMSTANCES. Also I’m a very educated investor. I can give you a job. I have a cat named PRETTY. She needs an affectionate home with people that can make her feel beautiful. I’ve wasted all my tears, I keep holding on.
Today, I shall attempt to grapple with this particular pile of batshit crazy using the magic of poetry.
First, a cinquain:
Fearful
Modern cleaners
Make my privates arid
I look for ancient lever soap
Pretty
Next, I shall attempt to distill the essence of this post into a Haiku:
My cat is pretty
I’m not buying that taco
I keep holding on
What about some Ogden Nash style doggerel?
A man who washes in Lever,
Leaves women a-queever.
But if your cat is named pretty
It’s a pity.
How about a sonnet?
The modern soap I use is full of fear
And shredded skin upon me doth oer-lie.
I think of LEVER and I shed a tear
In olden times my lion was not dry.
Science hath shown our dust doth eat itself
But science too is naught but bull ca-ca.
So pray investigate your highest shelf
And while you’re at it say hi to your ma.
Seek my advice if money you would save,
My pretty cat can join you in your cave.
Or perhaps a limerick?
There once was a poster on Craigslist
Who..
Dammit.
Thanks for the post, Lyndsay! (And in case you were wondering, this was posted under “gigs”)
Thanks for the tip! I cannot begin to describe the problems I’ve had drying out my lions. I already have enough trouble finding gazelles to distract them while I sneak up from behind with a bucket of soapy lemon water…
Digi, by any chance did you get those “lions” on CL? And do they have stripes?
I find that pressing my lions between the pages of a substantially sized KJ bible dries them out perfectly AND ensures that the smites will be taken care of as well.
Wonder why I am having so much trouble selling this taco?
Maybe I’m charging too much? I’ll try to stand back and let the customer approach me.
13th Amendment, probably . . .
Trying calling it a “rehoming fee”.
Maybe you’re standing on the wrong…
*Corner!*
It’s not taco tuesday, obviously.
This, kids, is your brain on Lever 2000.
My brain is on Benedryl and Zyrtec, thank you very much. Now, where did I put my breakfast burrito? (Because the taco, well, you know.)
Back in 1992, Lever 2000 was the soap of the future. But in 2013 it just looks dated. I remember using it, and having to keep a checklist of all my 2,000 parts just to make sure I scrubbed them all. Especially the human genitalia. But nowadays I’m pretty sure there’s an app that does that for you.
I never date soap.
It’s too hard to raise the bar.
LEVER in the tub.
Ow. I didn’t get that at first reading. Ow. I didn’t know how lucky I was then. Ow.
Well, you got me there, Sparky. I’m almost positive that my mother is against cannibalism.
And my mother died and was cremated exactly 5 years ago.
Am I the only one that misread that as “FLESH EATING CIRCUMCISIONS”?
Yes, PB. Only you.
I think I’ve found today’s Phrase of the Day.
I have not a phrase Sharp enough to compete with that, but then, I’ve wasted all my Simply Red references.
Soapy Lather Goodness is:
A Professional Service, $40 extra, same as in Town;
and
IF’s Palmolives* cover band.
_________________________________________
Considered The Snow Whites, but, they are a much more obscure scat band, and not given to rhyme thereby.
Whoa! 75% of dust is cannibalism of skin?
Well, I guess the lotion is already in the basket then.
I’m not buying that, Taco.
Neither is Sparky . . .
One Brazillion Points for camille! 8) I was so hoping someone would get to say that.
Yabbut if it’s cannibalized, how does it become dust? Unless we’re talking about the dreaded intestinal dust. I’m not buying it either. At least 50% of dust is dried out lions. The rest is Benadryl and Zyrtec.
“I’m very fearful of the chemicals that they use in today’s cleaning products for the human genitalia.” I can’t find that aisle in my Walmart. I use Lever 2000 ( honestly!) but I never thought to try in on human genitalia. But I don’t want to get too “icky” down there, you know. Maybe I’ll visit the feminine shelves; I just get so embarassed.
Shredded Skin Cannibalism is the name of my Insane Clown Posse cover band!
Holy Iambic Pentameter Trochee, Batman! That was the best commentary you have ever submitted, dan!
😀
Indeed, I’m almost speechless in awe of that beautiful sonnet.
Sparky wouldn’t have to waste all his tears if he was just more careful about not getting soap in his eyes.
I don’t think that’s what he’s interested in washing.
There once was a poster on Craigslist
Who’s dried lions with which they were pissed
A soapy lather goodness
Be mean chemical fuelless
Sought to clean off their genital cyst.
Act 0, Scene √-1 The Void betwixt Cleanliness and Tex-Mex
[exeunt sanity; Sparky entré sinister]
Forsooth, in tortured rage suppress-ed,
yet not stilled nor silence-ed–
O foul generative bits, such nether loins,
foul funk reek-t,
Agin which no modern laving suffice
And, so seek cleansers of Yore.
Ere privates freed of dusty leavings
of base Dermis canibalizing,
Be set upon solemn frothy task,
To yet find lathered loins a’cleanse-ed be.
A most fine cat, my Pretty.
No soap, radio.
I got 1999 parts, but a lion ain’t one.
In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
Columbus sailed the ocean blue
He washed his lions with monkey poo
and too, his genitalia.
In nineteen hundred and ninety-two
We don’t use any more monkey poo
My lions are dry, my skin is too
and too, my genitalia.
In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
The YSaC Volume where you are too
My lions are PRETTY and so are you
But not my genitalia.
You etc. don’t know what you’re talking about.
-Bullshit Scientist
I call bullshit scientist. You don’t know my mom. There have been many circumstances where my mom has cooked me flesh to eat.
Usually with rice and gravy. My Mom makes awesome flesh gravy.
Grilled tenderlions?
“Flesh Eating Circumstances” is the Broadway musical version of the saga of the downfall of the Donner party.
I’m still struggling to get past the squick of ‘old used soap’.
Talk about your dried up lions…. eww.
What’s wrong with lion jerky?
I’m very fearful of the chemicals that they use in today’s cleaning products for the human genitalia.
I don’t put chemicals on my gemicals. They’re not human, they’re vulpine genitalia.
In old times, there were less mean stuff that dried out my lions.
Like lye soap?
Ther must be 1992 ways to love your LEVER!
I just want something or someone to clean all of my 2000 parts without threatening my existence.
What’s wrong with a vixen with her teeth at my throat as she washes my 2000 parts? Huh?
It has been scientifically proven that 75% of your dust is your dead shredded skin cannibalism.
It has been scientifically proven that 100% of your dust is dust. Warning: Drying agent. Do not eat.
I’ve never Benadryl, but I have been known to drill something or someone now and then.
I’m not buying that taco.
That’s because I’ve already bought the whole enchilada.
I can give you a job.
I got yer job right HERE!
I have a cat named PRETTY.
That’s just her first name. Her last name is SAD, because she’s stuck with you. And you’re right. She does need an affectionate home.
I’ve wasted all my tears, I keep holding on.
Quit crying about it and just let it go.
Sheesh!
Three dry lions
Three dry lions
See their skin flake
See their skin flake
They used to get dry with a shake and the sun
Now they get dry with a blow dryer gun
They suffer split ends when their mane-do is done
These three dry lions
Dan, even if you’d used the medium of modern dance to explain that load of LEVER-ty I’d still be none the wiser.
There once was a poster on Craigslist,
Who naturally bullshitted a scientist.
They say this is okay,
As they soap him today,
But his lions are dried by a catalyst.
Sparky, Sparky, Sparky; it’s Not.A.Lion!
Just sit right back and hear a tale
A tale of a cannibal
Who loves used soap
My lions I do grope
Cat and your mom say don’t waste your tears
On flesh eating fears
Dusty tacos pull the lever
On dusty zyrtec fever
It’s scientific no brainer
My dirty soap post could get no profainer
C “”J, arallyn, remember that today is Hump Day, not Stabby Day. And every day is Punchity Punch Punch Day!
Good Morning, Soap Fans!