You Suck at Craigslist

free to good home

---

free chow mix year old to good home grate with kids and other pets moving and cant take him give me a call with any ? thanks for looking ### ### #### thatnks

And by “thanks for looking,” we mean “thanks for looking for the dog.” Because we have no idea where he is.

Thanks for the post, Stephanie!

I put my hair in your pocket – w4m – 25

---

Saturday night at a bar on [street] I looked at you through a few groups of people. I think your shirt had PJ Harvey on it, but it was mostly covered by your brown coat. I thought about asking you to my car to share a cigarette, I thought it’d be intimate. Maybe we’d talk about what we did for a living or maybe I’d touch your hand. We didn’t speak to each other because I retreated a bit away from everyone to be more comfortable. You walked by me on your way to the men’s room and removed your coat. When you placed it on the hook, I pulled a nail file out of my bag and sawed a lock of hair off to put in your pocket. Hope you found it.

Oooh, so close there, Sparkette. It’s obvious that these star-crossed lovers are just not meant to be, because I’m sure that the guy noticed her but thought, “Hmmm, I’d really like to go to an enclosed space and share carcinogenic toxins with her, but it’s a shame that there’s a big chunk of her hair missing. Oh hey, what’s this in my pocket? Oh cool, my pet vole will love this as bedding.”

Thanks, Alison!

Recently, I purchased a treadmill. I don’t actually like running, but it beats the heck out of actually having to pay attention to what I eat. And you know what? Treadmills really are great exercise. Those suckers are heavy.

What’s even more terrifying is that even after five years of writing for this blog, I still bought it off of Craigslist. But not from this person:

Nordic track treadmill – $150

---

Rarely used!!!! In good conditions 🙂

It may be in good conditions, but one of those conditions is not actually the condition of being a treadmill. On the other hand, I’d still rather have that one than this one:

treadmill for sale-genitally used – $400

I am getting ready to move and am not going to have space for this any more. It has been genitally used however it is in good shape. It folds up against the wall to have a smaller foot print in the room. I am unable to haul and it is not really light so be sure to bring someone with a truck! Cash only…first come first serve….if it is on here it is NOT taken!
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

Treadmill. You’re doing it wrong.

Thanks for the posts, Bev and Chance!

Ducky dragon

---

I have a bread dragon and he comes with his lamp and his cage and his two feeding blows and his name is ducky and he is also comes with is log and he is a good boy he is friendly and his fee askin for 76 or 65 and I had him since he was 7 months and please don’t flag and if u want more pictures of him just email me thank you my name is Jen

Bread dragon?

Bread dragon?

I got your bread dragon right here!

(You’re just lucky I didn’t go with Ducky from “Sixteen Candles”.)

Thanks, Ralph!

church pew sectional / cult leader starter kit – $150

---

This is a 3 piece, dark stain finish, woo bench sectional. Possibly constructed out of church style pews….so u know its comphy. And yet without sacrificing that creepy look, that you’ve been going for. Getting tired of always trying to impress your house guests? Now u can start scarring the s**t out of them. U can change your whole lifestyle. All u need is this epicly creepy sectional, a robe, and a mustashe and you’ve got yourself a game changer. Practice your new pickup lines like, does this rag smell funny to you??? Enuf said. I’m asking $150 or best offer. Delivery is available. Email, call, or text for measurements, or to make an offer. ###-###-####. Thanks.

Much as I’d like to use this comphy woo bench sectional to scar the s**t out of my friends, I’m afraid I can’t, because that sentence doesn’t actually make any sense whatsoever.

Woo.

OK, let’s assume I really do want to start a cult. I wonder what else I can find on Craigslist that might be helpful with that.

Fiberglass Baptistry (Location, but misspelled)

---

Little Giant Manufacturing model G-2. See it at ########## Church

That seems like a good idea, but I think I should try to find the B-2 model instead. After all, it has more than triple the capacity. If I really want to step up my creepy cult leader game, a mere 350 gallons just isn’t going to cut it. Although I am tempted to buy it as the world’s most interesting Jell-O mold.

Thanks to my newest acolytes, Jason and Amanda, for the post. All hail Saltines!

“Tonight, on Learning to Photograph Wild Animals, we’re going to discuss the difficulties of photographing some of the fastest animals in the world. Cheetahs. Leopards. Maseratis. Turtles. We’ll discuss lenses, exposure times…”
“Excuse me.”
“Yes?”
“Turtles??”

3 free snapping turtles with travel tank

---

U DONT HAVE TO TAKE ALL THREE IM BARELY HOME N I CANT TAKE CARE OF THEM MUST GO ASAP

“As I was saying – some of the fastest animals in the world.”

(Thanks for sending this, Camille!)