You Suck at Craigslist

Hey there! Who’s looking for an exciting career as a sidekick? Why, with just a little effort, you could be right up there with Robin, Tonto, or even Clarence Thomas!

Here’s a few ads to get you started:

Seeking Sexy Side Kick

---

Hello, I am a male frustrated by how much humanity sucks. Every day I strive a bit to fight against the suck that is person kind. I do a whole lot of working all the time and while I have a really cool business partner, I am looking for a very attractive and motivated and intelligent female who has an interest in life and how things work and a will to learn. This gig pays more than you know but there is no direct monetary gain to be had. Indirectly I think you may learn a ton in the process. Plainly I am looking for someone who wants to hang out on a friendship level and learn a lot of things they would not normal learn. Mostly on how to create something that didn’t exist or fix something that is broken. Little bits and pieces that improve the world and yourself.

Persons applying must be female and attractive and intelligent.

I require a picture. people without them are obviously not the personality type I am looking for and will be ignored. Males will be ignored. People who look like they suck will be ignored.

Thanks!

Not creepy enough? How about THIS wall o’ crazy?

Assistant to a highly delusional, bipolar, multiple personality “CEO”

---

I’m a soon-to-be billionaire CEO of an unnamed startup. We have offices all over the world (as we allow people to work from home since we’re too broke to afford a non-zero rent space anywhere). Our startup focuses of solving the world’s most challenging problems with a small community of self-organized members i.e. we solve problems I like to work on but I’m too naive so I find people better and get them to work “for the community” (read “for free”). Usually these problems are exceptionally challenging and engaging and the reward is the work itself (seems to work for the people…).

In any case, I’ve realized recently that I’m very disorganized, extremely distracted, and require someone to help me get my shit together. It seems that someone who’s exactly opposite to me can help balance out the universe.

Criteria for the preferred candidate:
+ Female
+ Brain is still highly functioning and hasn’t fried from chemical overdose
+ Accepting of jokes that inadvertently will insult and generalize so they can and will be any of the ‘ist’s: sexist, mysognist, racist, …
+ If female and intelligent and strong-willed: I will definitely try to sleep with you and begin a relationship. Either resist and be continually part of a highly sexually tense environment until I find a girlfriend or give-in and become my girlfriend. Either way it’s fine with me.
+ Must understand contradictory tasks and reconcile them through heated debate or extraordinary intelligence.
+ Have thick skin or develop one very quickly
+ Display positive emotions even during turbulent times
+ Extremely honest with me about how you’re feeling and your expectations
+ Accepting that sometimes you might not get paid on time
+ Fiercely loyal to the team and the company (but this alone doesn’t keep the job)
+ We think of problems as antelope in the Serengeti so they are capable of running away, developing strategies, and overall evolving as we get close to them. We’re predators that have to be able to skillfully hunt and kill the prey/problem even as it continues to evolve for survival. The best case scenario is to systematically solve the problem and measure the system to determine failures to address at a later date. If you get this crude analogy, you’re already ahead of the game.
+ We have distinct and sometimes tangential businesses to drive revenue + keep my insane ADHD at bay. I love problem solving so anything I get my head thinking about I want to do, you must push back to maintain absolute laser focus for my main priorities.
+ Have a great command of the English language

What I’ll provide you:
+ My personal belief is to push everyone around me to the ultimate limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will provide you with tasks and goals that will require you to push past any perceived boundaries and grow faster than expected. This is not a menial secretary job, this is a high-functioning job to provide structure for me and through me the company. You will have a very large impact on the organization’s success.

Please send me a response with a phone number. If you hear back, you have my attention.

Too long, didn’t read? Got just the one for you:

MAD SCIENTIST SEEKS SEXY YOUNG LIVE IN ASSISTANT

---

I AM THE BRAIN, where is my Pinky?

Thanks sd, Elizabeth, and Daniel!

This was posted in “Biotech/Science Jobs.”

I could use some help

---

This is not a job listing but please do not flag I really do need some
help.

I am a Doctor of Naturopathy and i have a list of non botanical substances I need for herbal preparations. I don’t know what most of them are nor do i know where to find them so I’m hoping someone serfing this section of craigslist might be able to help me.

obviously because these substances will be used for herbal preparations they must be safe for human consumption. well here is the list let me know if you can help me

Acid sodium phosphate: Na H2 PO4 (monosodium Phosphate)
Alcohol: C2 H5 OH grain alcohol
Almond Oil
Anhydrous lanolin: pure sheep wool fat that contains no water
Benzoic acid: C6 H5 COOH, a whit crystalline organic acid.
Boric acid: H3 BO2 also called boracic acid
Calcium chloride: Ca Cl2, chloride of lime
Calcium hydroxide: Ca (OH)2, slaked lime, made by action of water on calcium oxid
Chloroform: chloric ether
Coumarin: an extract of tonka beans
Disodic phosphate: (Na HPO4)
Disodic sulphate: (Na2, SO4) neutral sodium sulphat
Eucalyptus Oil
Eugenol: an extract of cloves
Flowers of camphor: powdered camphor which has been prepared by sublimation (Refined)
Glycerin(e): C3 H5 (OH)2, made by hydrolysis of fats and oils, a solvent and preservative
Linseed Oil: oil of flax seed
Magnesium silicate: (talc) H2 Mg3 (Si O3)4
Menthol crystals
Oil of cajeput
Oil of copaiba
Oil of pine
Oil of turpentine
Phosphoric acid: H3 PO4
Potassium chloride: K2 SO4
Sodium chloride: Na Cl, common table salt
Sodium phosphate
Sodium sulphate: Na2 SO4 glauber’s salt

Thank you

Well, Doctor Sparky, I’ve got news for you. Most of these aren’t herbs. But I’m definitely looking forward to trying some of your crunchy granola headache remedy with chloroform in it. Good thing you’re looking for someone serfing on Craigslist – those serfs are used to being oppressed, I’m sure they’ll gobble it right down.

Thanks for the post, Kathleen!

1999 Oldsmobile. cutlas – $750

---

1999 oldsmobile cutlass odometer: 140000 automatic transmission title : clean
The car is forking. Good the boby is little. Missing. 140 000 miles I’m. Asking. 750 OBO for any info.call show contact info

What can we learn about this car?

• It has an automatic transmission title.
• It’s clean
• It’s forking. Which is fine, I don’t mind an open source car, as long as all the forks are properly committed to GitHub.
• Good the Boby is little. “Good the Boby” is clearly an appellation of respect, like “Robert the Bruce” or “Nicky the Fish.”
• The car is missing. Oh dear. This one is probably a deal breaker.
• The owner is offering 750 Obos for information as to the whereabouts of their car.
• The owner is apparently hosting a call-in show for people to send their contact info.

Wouldn’t it make more sense for people to call the show to tell Sparky where his car is?

Thanks, SD!

Hammer Stapler / Tacker – $15

---

Stanley hammer stapler for tacking roofing felt, flooring paper or installing insulation. Includes a patricidal box of 3/8″ staples. Asking $15

Now, at first glance, this seems perfectly normal. A staple hammer would be an absolutely realistic choice for murdering your father. (Note: do not murder your father) However, if you read this more carefully, it turns out it’s the staples themselves that are patricidal. I didn’t even know staples HAD fathers.

Thanks for this terrifying episode, Taylor!

Hoo boy – who ever thought naming an animal an “axolotl” was a good idea?

Aloxolts

---

Hi craiglisters looking to downsize my animals ill trade for snakes burm or retic pythons, tegu, boas , or what you may have or rehome, my loss is your gain
So i have my entire collection of aloxolts 15+ in all, from two week old babys to almost adults. There in enclosures and eating blood worms, shrimp pellets and more. I have these ty
I am rehoming for 20$ each they are 40$+ or more in stores depending what ones.
Ill rehome everything for 300$ and thats a great deal it was going to be my breeding project in the future and i have to much going on i spent much more on it all than im asking so no low ballers if you take more then two its 15$ each
Thankyou have a nice day

Two anoloxts with setup

---

I have a albino and a wild caught anolotxs young. Come with full setup 10 g tank, glass top, sand, rock decorations plants etc. Has a submergable 50$ filter.

100$ takes all, or trade for snakes.

Yep, that was pretty much inevitable. I think we’re going to have to invoke the YSaC dog rule (Can’t spell it? Can’t own it!) for an entire species here.

Even if it IS worth a ton of points on a triple word score.

Thanks for the post, Ralph!

You Should be Ashamed of Your Selves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

Almost every one that has been posting on Craigslist in childcare should be ashamed of them selves!!!!! This is a place where people should be posting there ads and get more customers or they should be able to get on to get quality daycare. If you didn’t notice there hasn’t been that much trafic on here. Maybe they found someone but I’m about to go to a different place, and I just feel bad for the owner of Craigslist because they are trying to bring you a succesful business to bring you free ads, and it’s people like the people that gossip and tell others that they don’t even know that they should commit suicide. Who knows were the people have been in there lives they might just do it, and I don’t know about you but the RAPTURE is coming and I don’t want to be here for the seven years after that. If you know a little bit about the BIBLE I would wise up, get your-self saved and start treating people like you are supposed to!!!!!
PS. Bring on those e-mails because watch out Devil get behind me, because GOD is in front of me leading the way to get people saved, and we WILL run you over!!!!!

Let me get this straight. You and God are going to run me over? I suppose it’s a better concept than “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,” but not by much. I shall have to get in touch with the owner of Craigslist, and see if we can do a better job of providing quality daycare. Or at least ads for quality daycare. Or maybe quality ads. For daycare. Or something.

Now I’m confused. Perhaps I should tell others that they should commit suicide. But probably not.

Thanks for the post, MF!