YSaC, Vol. 1123: Habemus waves!
2011 November 16
Two Holy Wetsuits
Clearing out old used inventory
Henderson Yellow Youth XL fullsuit (PICKED UP ALREADY)
Quiksilver Mens Large… has holes. (PICKED UP ALREADY)
Rip Curl Mens XL Fullsuit… has holes
Rip Curl Spring Junior size 14… has holes.
Who knew? Wetsuits can protect against cold water AND Satan! I’ve always wanted to see the Pope engaging in watersports. And now, with the new Holy Wetsuit line, he can! Made of neoprene that has been blessed by the Sisters of Perpetual Pipelines, the Holy Wetsuit allows the Pontiff to carve it up in some cranking waves.
Thanks, Chelsea!
I think I blacked out there for a moment, drmk. Thanks … I think?
[totally innocent] What? [/totally innocent]*
*I can’t really get away with that one, can I?
Habemus sinus hostilis
Lola, you’re not the only one. My mind went to a very dark place after reading that sentence.
After mine recovered (or at least regained consciousness), it ran, whimpering, into the corner and wants to stay there.
*mimblewhimble*
*wibble*
“Mimblewhimple”?
Is that woolen shredding attire for nuns?
Buoy that sister can long-board!
That’s a B.
Heh heh. Pope, wetsuit, and “dark place”. Heh heh.
Hello, Acme Brain Bleach? Would you please send a tanker truck over to 31416 Ferret Lane? But this is an emergency.
And lo, did the Lord Jesus return from His surfing to find Mary cleaning out His closet.
“Woman!” the Lord exclaimed, “why dost thou tosseth my favorite holy garb?”
“Sweet Jesus!” Mary shouted, “thou has outworn and outgrown thy wetsuits, Son, tis time to get thee about thy Father’s business!”
And Jesus was vexed. He wished only for sand and surf, having no desire to follow in His Father’s footsteps.
But Mary persisted and one by one the holy wetsuits were purchased. When it was all over, Jesus had 20 pieces of silver to show for His sacrifice and He was pleased.
So pleased, in fact, that He couldn’t wait to show His friend, Judas.
“Behold, Judas, for I have 20 pieces of silver to spend in the marketplace!”
And Judas was jealous.
He was oh so very, very jealous…
This wins ALL the internets!
And lo, it came to pass that Jesus was Bored and Vexed with all the calls for “Walk on water!”.
And so, Jesus wandereth to the Supermarket and bought a Great Mass of Custard. And he took the custard, made it to be viscous, and poured it into the pool in the towne square. However, his robes became dirty with the powder and the milk of the cow … and so the prophet donned his Holy Wetsuit and he walked upon the custard. The moneylenders set aside their tasks and marveled at the Man Upon The Custard in the Holy Wetsuit and were amazed.
Our Father, who art in Hawaii,
soggy be thy name.
Your vacation come,
your suit is done,
on earth as it is in ocean.
Give us this day our daily sale,
and forgive us our crappy products
as we also have forgiven our suppliers.
And lead us not into bankruptcy,
but deliver us from holes.
Amen.
Where am I going and why am I in this hand-basket?
I’ll bake some extra coffee slices, since the blasphemy section of the corner will be full today.
I’ll bring red hots and twizzlers.
Oh man, my mouth started watering just thinking of Red Hots.
Pie Jesu domine,
*waves crash*
dona eis requiem.
Surf’s up, Dude!
Sis, move over. The AC doesn’t work on this side of the hand basket.
Pie Jesu domine,
[waves crash]
dona eis requiem.
::WIPEOUT::
et benedictus Surfaris
from Psalms of 1 Cowabunga 60
Holy water sold separately.
Don’t you mean holey water?
I think it’s wholly water. Meaning, all of it.
Ah, j’comprende!
There being 1.338*10^6 cubic kilometers of water in the Earth’s hydrosphere, that’s likely to burst a holey or two in a wet suit, duud!
I once had a scooba minister come to my door to preach me the word of Frog. Personally, I thought he was all wet.
“Scooba”. I heart me some Taco.
I’m envisioning the epic Cecil B. DeMille film, “The Hang Ten Commandments”. Charleton Heston would be replaced with Keanu Reeves and Yul Brynner by Pauly Shore.
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s righteous board.”
Tubular.
Totally.
And God saw every thing that He had made, and behold, it was gnarly.
The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not, like, harsh my, like, mellow, dude. Duuuuuude. Dude. Wait, what?
Adam and Moses’ Excellent Adventure
Told in great detail in the Book of Gnarly. “…and god said, ‘Surf’s up!’ and it was good.
…and, doth clearly once again, Sparky cannot count.
I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting a USED wetsuit, much less one with holes in it. And what kind of holes are we talking about here? Big, small, awkwardly located? Even if they were free they wouldn’t be much of a deal. And just imagine the wet Sparky smell that must accompany them.
*shudder*
No thanks, I’ll pass.
Speaking of passing….Lola? I need an extra dose of Excedrin Migraine in my flask today, thankyouverymuch.
*backs up semi*
I’m restocking my own, so I have plenty to share, CJ. Hang on while I get the forklift.
In a perfect world, the title of the post can only be read in Burt Ward’s voice, and followed by the word “Batman!”
If the suits are wet, they must be getting ready to do duel with The Piddler.
“The Killer Goldfish of Caerbannog.”
PHILIPPE: We have the Holy Wet Suit.
JACQUES: Yes, of course! The Holy Wet Suit of Sea Hunt! ‘Tis one of the sacred relics brother Jean-Michel carries with him! Brother Jean-Michel! Bring up the Holy Wet Suit!
JACQUES: How does it, um– how does it work?
PHILIPPE: I know not, my liege.
JACQUES: Consult the Book of SCUBA!
BROTHER JEAN-MICHEL: SCUBA, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
BROTHER PIERRE-YVES: And Saint Bridges raised the Wet Suit up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy Wet Suit that, with it, Thou mayest drown Thine enemies in briny seas in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the tuna and salmon and carp and anchovies and orangutans and vintage breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu–
JEAN-MICHEL: Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER PIERRE-YVES: And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take down the Holy zipper. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, holdest thou thy breath within the Holy Wet Suit of Sea Hunt dive towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.’
JEAN-MICHEL: Amen.
CALYPSO CREW: Amen.
JACQUES: Right! One!… Two!… Five!
JEAN-MICHEL: Three, sir!
JACQUES: Three!
Lloyd Bridges just rolled over in his grave a little to adjust his regulator.
Shut up and go change your wet suit!
😀
*wags*
Holy Monty Python, Batman!!
Holes in your wetsuit? Are there aquatic versions of moths? Piranhas, maybe…?
There are holy versions of moths. They’re called angels by some people.
I’m still trying not to visualize the LOCATION of those holes, or why said holes might possibly be IN certain locations.
*passes brain bleach*
My favorite brand of brain bleach is Jack Daniels.
Well, one also has to NOT imagine the Urban Dictionary definition of “water sports” either . . .
Luckily I have braised beef short ribs to attend my mental focus, otherwise it would be attempting to assume a Möbius fœtal position under the stuf in the back of the closet of The Corner . . .
Amazing Waves
How sweet the spray!
I wonder if Criagslist
Could help meeeee?
I need a holy wetsuit
And some sanctifed sex wax
Then I can hang
With Brother
Spi-cooooo-liiiiii.
Mr. Zog approves.
We’re all going to Hell for this one.
But I hear the music is great there.
Yes, and they have awesome buffets.
“Surfing on a lake of fire, rocking out.”
At least these aren’t wicked and depraved wetsuits. With holy suits you won’t have to worry about drowning.
Well, maybe they’ll come with the harps and halos already attached.
Here’s a question that I suspect has no good answer:
If you’re going to the trouble of editing your CL post to let people know that certain items are now unavailable, but other are still for sale, why not just remove the sold items rather than adding a note saying “(PICKED UP ALREADY)”??? What if I really wanted the Yellow Youth XL one? Now you’re just teasing me. : (
Tease Tease Tease Tease Tease
Tease Tease Tease Tease Tease
Tease Tease Tease Tease Tease
FOR SALE 3 yellow junoir gof tees
It’s holy, but is it piss-free?
OK – Lets kick this up a notch:
another-spotting-of-jesus-on-dogs-arse
*puts on gravity boots to hang upside down*
Jen, here’s your punchity punch punch! Thanks for playing!
Good Morning, Chicken of the Sea!
I gots a punchity punch! And I was sick and missed it!!! Man, I can’t wait till I have enough to buy some truckbees all of my own!!!