YSaC, Vol. 1037: I thought they just hung around airports and got sucked into jet engines!
2011 July 19
Sofa Bed – ninja proof
I have a sofa bed that I need to get rid of TODAY. Ever since I bough it, ninjas have been EVERYWHERE! Green and burgundy stripes. Bought 1 year ago factory reject (some staples are showing in the back, and, you know…ninjas), slept on with mattress pad so no cooties.
Call or text only NO EMAIL. NO DELIVERY.
I can text a pic if you need one.
GET THIS COUCH OUT OF MY LIFE.
And by “ninjas” she means “bedbugs.”
Thanks, Clay!
I think Sparky’s nuts. Everyone knows ninjas don’t care about sofa beds. It’s mirrors that they congregate around.
Why are we talking about Sparkie’s nuts again?
I’ll be in the corner.
No, not the corner! Because, Y’know… Ninjas..
The green and burgundy striped ninja was brought to the United States on bedding from Japan in the late nineties. Since it has no natural predators in North America, it has proliferated out of control in many areas, including Sparkyland. Attempts to control its spread by using parasitic cooties have so far failed.
Green and burgandy striped, eh? That’s no ninja. It’s Freddy Krueger.
“It looks like a small ninja.”
“That’s no ninja, it’s a sofa.”
“Can’t be, it’s too stealthy to be a sofa.”
Green and burgundy striped? All the ninjas I know have better taste than to haunt an ugly couch.
“some staples are showing in the back, and, you know…ninjas”
Bwahahahahahaha!
The office furniture is made from ninjas, NINJAS!
A sofa bed with a ninja infestation?
No, thank you.
I just sprayed for trolls and ninjas. (Orkin was having a two-for-one special.)
And I find that Ninja Off candles (available at finer stores everywhere) are a way to keep them at bay in between Orkin visits. I burn them in every room. If I don’t, Mini Monkey has bites all over her, they just eat her up.
For trolls, I like to hang those strips. Just gotta make sure you don’t get YOURSELF caught in them. That’s how we lost Great Grandma Monkey.
I used to use those sticky tapes but they kept filling up with pixies and elves. Now I just use a fogger once a month.
Fogger, eh? So that’s what my neighbors who are getting high all the time are doing? Fumigating? I didn’t realize we had such a problem with ninjas and trolls in my building.
It’s organic pest control – the trolls and ninjas get the munchies, leave to find snacks, and forget how to get back into the apartment.
” didn’t realize we had such a problem with ninjas and trolls in my building.” Lola
See how well the fogging works?
Ninjas are like that though, just because you never see them doesn’t mean you don’t have an infestation.
I recommend having an inspector check regularly for Ninjas. Trained professionals know the warning signs and can help set you up with exterminators in the case of a one of these hidden infestations.
We keep talking about exterminators and it is making me think of Dale Gribble and his exterminating truck with the huge dead bug laid up on top. Everthing YSaCL is relating back to King of the Hill this week. Hum. Wonder what that means.
If you’re ever unsure about a possible ninja infestation, just check this handy reference guide.
(No, Hammy, not that kind of “handy”!)
“Remember, don’t go ninjin’ nobody what don’t need ninjin”.
Once you go ninja, you’ll never be seen again.
I want to reply with “I’m Your Ninja” but I’m afraid to.
You know…ninjas.
Do you have feelings of dread in your house?
Are you seeing shadowy figures?
Have you recently purchased a hideous piece of furniture – presumably after a night of binge drinking?
Have no fear, Ninja-Busters is here!
We will rid your home, and couches, of this nuisance once and for all!
Remember, for all your ninja infestations call Ninja-Busters!
No job is too big, no fee is too big.
Who you gonna call? Ninja-Busters!!
“Don’t cross the streams!”
“I am the Gatekeeper. Are you the … Hey, where’d you go?”
Everyone is worried about beds, chairs, couches, and armouieayres that are ninja proof. That’s all well and good, but what happens when you’re attacked by a gaggle of zomb-
Don’t underestimate ninj-
I remember the day the ninjas moved in. We brought home the new couch, and when I say new, I mean it only had one owner before we found it on CL. That’s practically still in the box! But the next morning, there was this guy in black, just sitting on the couch, drinking tea and reading manga. He nodded hello, and went back to reading. By noon, there were three! Then two more showed up, and had to sit up on the back of the couch. I didn’t think the couch could take too many more. So we called the animal shelter, but they only take domesticated critters. Luckily, the wildlife preserve came and captured all the ninjas, and found the queen ninja in the cushions. Our troubles are over!
We have some problems with Ninjas in the spring, but was set out traps with fresh shogun and that usually clears them right up by summer.
Good thing you got rid of them so quickly. It can be a real mess when they stay long enough that they leave a lot of their empty bento boxes and kabuki props around (ninja kabuki is kind of a niche thing … watching acting you can’t see isn’t for everyone).
I hope the queen ninja didn’t lay any eggs or you might have an infestation of mini-ninjas come spring.
Smiley Puppy, welcome back now get in the box. There’s a good boy!
“Sofa-bedlam”
Gobe’s morning wasn’t fit for human experience without coffee. That was likely common with most people, he thought, but some mornings were more unfit than others, and lately, Gobe wouldn’t wish his pre-coffee mornings on a pitbull that had locked its jaws on his scrotum just for kicks. It wasn’t his job or his girlfriend or any particular events in his daily life, he thought to himself as he finished pouring his coffee and exited the kitchen. No, those things were fine. Quite average, really, but lately he was looking forward to that kind of mundanity.
Gobe entered his living room and stopped as he spied his couch. It was green with burgundy stripes. He had no idea what he was thinking. Granted, it was a factory second and dirt cheap, and at the time he really did need a couch as he was sick of sitting on his armless kitchen chairs. Sure, it had a few exposed staples around the back where the machinery that assembled it failed to properly secure the upholstery. But almost immediately after getting it home, he regretted his purchase profoundly.
“Out!” Gobe shouted at the couch, his arm extended with a finger pointing directly to his front door. Between the two cushions, peeking out from the back, two beady eyes shifted quickly to him but otherwise remained motionless, hoping he wasn’t addressing them. “Out!” Gobe repeated more forcefully this time and making no mistake about whom he was addressing. The eyes looked down, dejected. The cushions then erupted as a figure, clad head-to-toe in black, emerged from beneath, the only thing visible being its eyes. Stepping out from the couch, it then tiptoed stealthily but quickly out the front door, its katana quietly swaying on its back.
No, most of his life was pretty ordinary. His real problem were all these goddamn ninjas. The couch was infested with them, and rather than escape to freedom during the delivery process, they waited until the furniture was comfortably installed in his home before spreading out and colonizing his otherwise humble abode. He was sick to death of them. Sure, they were quiet and crafty, but he could hear them in the middle of the night, stealthily making themselves sandwiches, getting drinks, taking showers, whispering the day’s gossip, sitting in his recliner reading the paper with a small booklight, periodically lifting their masks up from the neck to pop a bon-bon — and every time he tried to catch them in the act, they would scatter to the winds the moment he flicked the light switch on.
He tried laying traps, but they always seemed to be able to tell bait food from regular food. He tried leaving a trail of confections out the back door leading to a deep, concealed pit, but that just led to him waking up the next morning to a wolf who was done with the appetizer and was ready for the main course. He even tried spraying every corner of his house with dragonfruit juice because he had heard ninjas hate that, but he just awoke the next morning with eerily clean walls and floors that smelled vaguely of saliva. Evidently, ninjas love dragonfruit.
It had become clear to Gobe that he needed to enlist the help of a professional. After scoping out an appropriate agency, he picked up his phone, then closed his eyes and sighed. “Out, goddamnit!” he yelled. The phone’s base clattered to the floor as his ersatz end table scurried away. Before he gave himself the leisure to wonder what happened to the real table, he dialed the number of the exterminator and booked an appointment at his earliest convenience — which, much to Gobe’s relief, was just two hours hence. On the exterminator’s advice, he left the house and took a trip to the local mall to kill some time while the exterminator went about the business of making his home pestilence-free.
A couple of hours later, he made his way back to his home and parked in the driveway. The exterminator was just exiting the front door.
“It’s all taken care of,” the exterminator nodded gravely.
“So they’re all gone?” Gobe asked.
“All gone. Those ninjas won’t be bothering you anymore.”
Gobe released a deep sigh of relief. “Thank you. You don’t know how much of a pain they were.”
The exterminator nodded again, then whistled behind him. “Let’s go, men!”
From his front door poured a stream of grizzled pirates, each greeting him with grunts and yarrs. Some of them had visibly fresh wounds from the extermination process, but it was just as clear that they did their job with relish and gusto, and they did it very well.
Gobe paid the exterminator in cash, and was glad to do so, before returning to his home to finally relax once again in the ninja-free ambiance. He stood in his living room. There were clear signs of struggle, but it looked as though the exterminator did the best he could to clean up, so at least there was that. His ugly green and maroon couch had a couple of fresh rips in the upholstery, but frankly he was about ready to toss that thing in the trash anyway for all the problems it has caused. The important thing though, was that his house was quiet. Eerily, but blessedly quiet. Everything was where it was supposed to be. Even his end table had mysteriously reappeared, his phone perched properly on top. All was pretty much as it should be.
Gobe went to turn on the lamp beside his recliner. It made an odd-sounding click. It felt … hairy. Gobe sighed, flung his arm out and pointed to the front door. “GET! OUT!” he yelled.
“Yarr,” said the lamp despondently as it tromped toward the front door.
“And leave the lampshade!” he called after it.
“Yarr,” the pirate repeated as it removed the shade from its head and dropped it on the floor before exiting his house.
“Goddamnit!” Bode cursed.
Who you gonna call?
Poor Gobe. (or Bode)
He’s going to need some robots to get rid of the pirates.
I was wondering who Bode was, too.
Oh no… not the robots!!!
Doh! Mixed up the name at the end there. I don’t know why I had “Bode” on the brain. I think I used that name in another story. Oh well, I fixed it on the blog anyway.
Gobe can probably get rid of the pirates with robots, and then get rid of the robots by forcing them to watch the Murdoch case and telling them to try and make sense of it. Then he just has to clean up all the robot bits after they self-destruct. I hear ninjas are awesome housekeepers.
In other news IntenseDebate doesn’t think I have a blog anymore so it won’t let me moderate comments frm the ID panel, yet I can do it from my WordPress dashboard. I can’t figure it out either. Stupid thing.
[ot]I’ve been suffering a really bad case of grown-up-itis lately. Work’s been keeping me too busy to come by and read your awesome snark, or even to add my own little view of the topic du jour. Hopefully after my deadline tomorrow I’ll have a few more minutes during the day to come by and actually lounge in the lounge.
^^ What he said… me too…
But before I return to the daily grind, I thought I’d add this. I wish I could say I was making it up. I pasted the text of the article because my local newspaper doesn’t keep articles available for too long.
‘Ninja’ spotted in Sunland Park yard (8:09 a.m.)
by Daniel Borunda / El Paso Times
Posted: 07/13/2011 08:09:50 AM MDT
Sunland Park police are keeping an eye out for a “ninja” prowling around a neighborhood in the middle of the night.
At 3 a.m. Thursday, a woman and her husband were awakened by dogs barking in the Edgemont neighborhood, said the woman’s father, Alan Turnello. The couple saw a man in a black ninja costume in their front yard holding a sword. When the husband went outside to confront him, the ninja vanished.
The ninja “didn’t say anything,” Turnello said. “He ran off attempting to hide behind things that were too small for him to hide behind. He (Turnello’s son-in-law) doesn’t know if this guy is crazy or maybe he really thinks he is a ninja.”
Sunland Park city spokesman Arturo Alba said police responded to the call of a suspicious person but were unable to find the prowler.
El Paso, eh? Gotta be heat-induced hallucinations.
This. Is. Hilarious. I’ve just read it to a coworker, and we discussed ” doesn’t know if this guy is crazy or maybe he really thinks he is a ninja.”
… There’s a difference?
I mean, I am sure there a guys who actually study ninja skills in some kind of authentic way and in an actual historically-based tradition, and might actually be good at what they learned, but if the dogs are barking and the people in the house can see you … then, Being a Ninja: You’re Doing It Wrong is what seems to be happening here.
“” doesn’t know if this guy is crazy or maybe he really thinks he is a ninja.”
… There’s a difference?”
My thoughts precisely.
Heh. I read about that one. There are some real crazies between Las Cruces and El Paso.
Hello neighbor!
I’m about a mile away from where the incident took place; I keep hoping he’ll show up at my house. I have the camera ready and everything. (But it’ll be no good if he doesn’t “try to hide behind things that are too small to hide behind.”)
A house full of royal ninjas would be sofa king cool!
Man, I just now got that. You is boss.
That was my first thought reading this ad. I should check YSACL earlier.
“You know… ninjas”. Best. Excuse. Ever.
Right? Totally stealing that for my excuse for … well, anything.
Why were you late to work?
What was wrong with the subway?
Why did you forget your mother’s birthday?
Why are we breaking up?
What do you mean, it’s not my baby?
Ouch…Lola, get outta my head!!
As a completely unknown member of the nearly-invisible minority of ninja-americans, I bristle in unbrage at this on-going defamation and grievous, unforgivable insult to my clan’s honor.
[evil, cursing, glance]
[shifty hand motion]
[head fake]
***puff of smoke***
.
Yeah, you need to get your boys in hand before they totally ruin y’alls rep. Just saying. 🙂
Don’t most guys only get their boys in hand if said boys are itchy or need readjusting?
A boy in the hand is worth two…
I’ll be in the corner.
OT: The rubber ducky is giving me a look of displeasure. I must not be working hard enough for him. I had my first talk with my new boss. The more things change. . . Maybe I am just a really poor employee. Sigh.
Don’t go assuming or, gasp, taking responsibility for someone who may just be having a bad day. Or may be a huge ass-hat and impossible to please. Remember Don Miguel Ruiz’s 2nd agreement: Don’t take things personally. http://www.miguelruiz.com/
Of course if you are prejudiced against rubber duckies I have a problem with you and you are a horrible person THAT HAS NO SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Srsly, hugs.
{{{{Wind “$” rose}}}}
Aw, (((HUGS))), Windy. The fact that you’ve been consistently employed as an adult and at that job for some time leads me to believe that the issue may, in fact, not be you or your work quality.
Ditto what Lola said. And since it’s a new boss, maybe he/she is feeling the need to be tough without any real basis. Hugs and best wishes for better days at work.
You guys know why I love you, right? Cause you always have my back. The funny part was, new Ms. Boss asked me to take care of an issue that was at the top of my to-do list for today. So it worked out. I worked with her 10 years ago before we both promoted, and she’s always hyper. But I think it will be good for me to have her pushing me to do more. I have been working on an attitude of, It Won’t Be Easy, But We Can DO It! So it will be good. 8) ((HUGS)) back everyone, and FM, I LOVE Rubber Duckies! That’s why I have one on my desk at work. But he seemed to be looking askance at me after my interview this morning. LOL
So does this mean I no longer need to plan a roadtrip in your direction?
:sadly puts away the Boss Straightener:
Aw, LL that’s so sweet! Just put it away for a while. When I retire, you can come on out! 8)
Mindee, I can tell your day in the box didn’t do you any harm. Not even on the slide or the trampoline. Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, shinobi!
Sparky’s sofa bed
green- burgundy striped ninjas
craigslist eviction.
I’m confused, though – the headline says it’s ninja proof, but then the text says that the bed has to go because the ninjas came with it. Shouldn’t the problem be that Sparky is a ninja and every time he tries to sit or sleep on the sofabed, it throws him across the room?
(Or maybe the problem is that I’m silly enough to expect the headline of a YSAC ad to match the text of the ad… that’s probably it.)
Maybe Sparky means that sofa is the proof that ninjas exist?
I like the idea of a ninja-throwing couch.
Could’ve just thrown the couch out on the street, but I suppose it would have been difficult to move with the ninjas on top of it.