YSaC, Vol. 884: We hate geeses to pieces!
Here at YSaC, we’re still working hard to solve the unemployment crisis, one jeoarb at a time.* So if any of you out there are suffering in this recession, have a gander at these golden opportunities.
JON OFFER!!!!
A WORK FROM HOME NEEDED
Wait, what does “have a gander” mean, anyway? Are you supposed to take a goose with you to look at whatever it is?
Photo & Scrapbook Gig
We are looking for someone to organize our photos, scan old ones and digitize others into a photo library as well as scrapebook old memorabilia.
if interested please send email on your experience; great gig for photo student.
I mean, it’s not as though there’s any particular USE for a goose when you’re contemplating anything, really. It’s not as though they are particularly good literary or art critics.
SEEKING IMMEDIATELY IMPOVERISHED INVENTIVE GRAPHIC ARTIST/ARCHITECT
Published WRITER / CONCEPTUAL artist with complete storyboard, AMAZING words (exquisite/obsolete),
seeks linguistic acrobat with high tech skills, medium-brow taste (for populists), graphic aesthete to transform
provided content/images into a WOW website — but mantra: subtlety’s all. If, in the interests of timeline, expense, or formatting you find it necessary to edit my vision, you must be able to break the news gently. Experience/ownership of Photoshop, InDesign, Dreamweaver, ancillary programs helpful to mandatory. Must thrive sleep-deprived, have a fiercely zany disposition, near-pathological dedication to ellipsis, exactitude. Here’s your chance at a fast turn-over/small dollar job changing ambiguous vision into digital reality. Know music? A plus. Compose? A plus.Must be ready to pivot on dime. Hardly more than a dime’s worth of trade unless you’re curious. Who posted this?
Piston? Poetess? No commerce maven/maiden. Hurry pls. Email storm of interest to XXXXXXXXXXXX.com.Persuade recipient in service to sirens of art.
Let’s see if the internet can be any help. As far as I can tell “Gander” is an American or possibly English phrase that definitely originated in either the 18th, 19th, or 20th centuries, and has its origin in geese’s (Yes, I had to look up the plural possessive of “goose,” too.) habit of being incorrigible barnyard rubberneckers, literally craning their rubbery necks about to look at everything going on. So “take a gander” means to look at inquisitively.
Huh, who knew?
Wait, “pathological dedication to ellipsis?” Maybe I should actually be responding in some way to the actual Craigslist posts for today.
Naah.
Thanks for the links, EZ, Kellen, and Camden!
*Note: Not actually working hard.
I need a Jon. Wait!
I mean, I’d like to work from home. WAIT!
I mean, I like to scrapbook and I thrive sleep-deprived. This must be the job for me. What?
Is that anything like “praying to the porcelain goddess?”
I just like geese…preferably ganders….that’s why I’m here.
Also the gander was seen as not doing anything worthwhile, whereas the goose at least laid eggs. 8)
Scrapebooking. Scrape is a word that gives me physical discomfort. Scrapbooking is a hobby that I really don’t get. I think I shall adopt scrapebooking and use it to mean something that irritates me.
I prefer scapegoating.
I set my creative sights on an individual or a group and them blame them for anything that might go wrong. Hot glue gun not needed.
*sadly puts away hotglue gun and industrial stapler*
No, don’t put them away, LL. I’m sure we can find something to do with them.
; )
Or scrapegoating.
Which everyone knows is one way to remove those nasty ticks.
Hotglue gun can be useful.
I really hate it when it’s time for scrapegrouting, that stuff just gets everywhere.
You should try goatscaping.
They seem to enjoy the massages and pedicures, but they are NOT happy about the waxing and plucking.
[corey]Goats are actually “happier” than sheep for shearing.
However, unlike sheep, goats are a lot more kicky/crabby/stabby/pointy than about any other creature that was not an unholy mix of nap-deprived toddler, fussy cats, and basket of irritated puppies.
Mohair is a multiple-use product with a solid commercial value. It’s just not as soft, nor as naturally imbued with lanolin, as the best sheepswool. But, mohair is better than the least-best sheepswool.
[/corey]
I honestly did not think anyone would be able to come up with a corey for goat-waxing. Kudos, Cap’n!
I am so adding “waxing my goat” to both my list of euphemisms for masturbation and my list of excuses for getting out of doing stuff.
That sounds like it might be two copies of the same list, eerily smiling puppy.
Well, not “waxing” but shearing, with a great heavy electric razor. Which is complicated, it takes at least two arms to hold a calm goat still; the additional arms for shearing complicate the issue.
Waxing a goat just sounds like something to encourage it to kick, bite, scratch, stab, butt more.
Goats are not large-brained, so being herded into small groups confuses them. Being held confuses them. Sound of the shears confuses them. But, once you get the long, shaggy, not-exactly-sweaty, fur coming off, the goat will relax into the experience (unlike a sheep, which is still trying to hide in the hole in the skirtingboard in Wainscot).
My community is blessed by a major university in a rather rural setting. There are a large number of otherwise urbane folk with “Green Acres” dellusions. They get these notions in their heads of a “nice house in the country.” Which was hoing to be, maybe, a couple acres, tops. But, the only ones available are noy in desirable places. So, the RE agent takes them to some 5-6 acre spreads, and the area captivates. But, the only place available is 9, 10, 11 acres. But, they have the money and buy it anyway.
All is good, until the tax bill shows up for 10.6 acres. Ouch, ouchity, ouch, ouch, bad-words, ow, more bad words, ouchy. But wait, you can get an “ag exemption” for agricultural use for your property. So, you put a fence up around the house, and you find some low-maintenance livestock for the other 9 acres or so. Cattle are expensive; game animals are hard work; fowl are insane for work and shed and coops and all. Which leaves . . . goats. Oh, and to go with the tax break, there are “mohair incentives” for “producers.”
So, many folk not far from my house “raise” goats. Enough that a vet specializing in goat care moved into the area (she was a very nice client, and pleasure to work with). You learn much about goats like this. Too much, certainly. But, I also know from ganders and geese in a similar fashion; yet, finding a way for all this knowledge to pay the bills . . . <sigh>
Mudsy — That’s one of my favorite hobbies also. I like to find the person who is the most removed from the situation and figure out why they are to blame for what might go wrong or already went wrong.
The perfect petri dish conditions for implementing this hobby are within an academic setting. Unless you have a husband.*
*I kid Mr. mudsy. 🙂
Scrapebooking:
The act of taking bets on paint removal.
Jon went to his scrapebookie to put $50 on “Lester Chipmaster” to win the 2010 Stripper bowl*
*Not to be confused with a stripper pole.
I’m sad now – my butt doesn’t have a mantra.
How about, “If you can read this, you should know that it’s armed.”
Mine would be…”If you can read this, you’re obviously across the street in the cafe”.
I think I’d make mine, “If you ever wondered what happened to Mr. Whipple, squeeze and find out.”
“How do you like my walking? Call 55KISSTHIS and let me know!”
Hey, maybe that’s what all the butt-word pants are about… In fine print under the big “JUICY” [side note: Seriously? I’m not entirely sure I want my butt to be labeled “juicy”. How is that an attractive description? Anyways…] it says “Call 1-800-SLUTWALK and tell me how I’m doing!”
I feel bad for whoever has to take those calls, though.
Hello and welcome to Butt-Phone!
If you’re calling because you would like to label your butt “JUICY” press 1!
If you’re calling because you would like to find butts labeled “JUICY” press 2!
If you’re calling to complain that a “JUICY” butt may be falsely labeled, press 3!
If you want to check and see if your butt qualifies as “JUICY” please hold the phone up to your butt and press 4 now!
Por espanol, usar dos!
Cancel that last one:
Por espanol, usar cinco!
Pour le français, appuyez sur six!
Speaka da foreign, pressa da dis one: 7
Most of the phone systems here use parque rather than pulse; a number have shifted to cinco over dos, too–which may be to not press a button twice, but the one labled 5.
Don’t you mean parka?
(The logic goes thusly:
If Parquet=Parkay, then Parque=Parka)
Well, it’s pronounced “par-kay” on the menu systems around here.
Butter.
It’s time for another episode of Reading Between the Lines. I’m your host, Squint Leastwood. Today we will examine the verbal meanderings of three feckless Sparkies from very different backgrounds either seeking employment, or seeking to employ. Let’s take a look and Read Between the Lines, shall we?
Sparky the First: Jon has an offer for you. He’s offering to do some unspecified work from home. Presumably his home, though if you offer to let him work, don’t be surprised if he shows up at your doorstep with a suitcase and a case of beer.
Sparky II: Electric Bookaloo: We love scrapbooking! That is, we love the concept of scrapbooking but have absolutely no time/aptitude for it, so we want someone to do it for us. Preferably a student who can count this as work experience so we don’t have to pay them much. Or at all. But we still want skilled work here.
Tertiary Sparky: I’m a hapless WOW addict and former English and Drama major, which I failed because I’m a WOW addict. Therefore I would like to demonstrate what would have been my lettered skills in these arenas by posting this overwrought ad looking for someone with a technical flair to go with his or her wacky sense of humour, eye for visual design, and strong desire to work long, thankless and endlessly criticized hours for as little money as I can get away with paying you in the hopes that you place infinitely greater value on experience than remuneration. I also change my mind a lot. I mean, like, a lot, so expect your near-complete designs to be scrapped at a moment’s notice as new inspiration strikes me, and then expect me to complain about how long it’s taking you to finish. I like ellipses … like … a lot. Please pepper them liberally throughout the many design changes you will be making. Music is good, please write some music for me. Something deep and epic yet zany and quizzical, like O Fortuna meets Spongebob Squarepants as performed by Leeroy Jenkins. I’m going to end this now with an E-Mail address wrapped in an enigmatic assortment of random questions and words that worldly philosophers could spend years trying to derive meaning from. But hurry, I expect my inbox to be absolutely inundated with responses, so the quicker you respond the more likely I will be to read your CV before I tire of poring through the morass of missives and just hire the lowest bidder.
There, everything is much clearer now. Please join us again next time as we explore the hidden meaning behind a request for a laundry hamper, an offer of a half-eaten bag of Doritos, and a pair of leotards with a mysterious stain. I have been your host for the evening, Squint Leastwood. Goodnight.
Huh. I am tempted to quit my job and do the scrapebooking gig. But they have to make up their minds, is it scrapbook or scrapebook? There’s a world of difference. Now if you’ll pardon me, I have to go scrape some bird cage bottoms.
“So, what do you do?”
“I paint.”
“Wonderful! Oil on canvas? Watercolour on paper?”
“Bird poop on construction paper.”
“You’d be surprised on how many brands of edible paint there are for birds! Check out this color wheel I made!”
“Um… ew.”
“Num-nums. NUM-NUMS. Birdie num-nums.”
“Taste this one – It’s raspberries!”
“Please leave or I will call the police.”
“And the schnozeberries taste like schnozeberries!”
“…with razzleberry dressing…”
Invention is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
93… 99… 103… 105…. waitaminute…
Invention follows Cat Math rules.
Necessity is the mother of invention, according to DNA tests.
Who’s the father? I demand a paternity test!
Well it’s gotta be either perspiration, electricity, evaporation, or butterscotch ripple.
Word on the street is that Necessity and Perspiration were going at it like rabbits for a while there.
As long as it’s not perspiration and butterscotch ripple. That’s just disgusting.
If Necessity is the mother of invention, then (according to Thing Two)
Laziness is the jobless, delinquent-on-child-support, absentee father…
Jarb Auffer:
Looking four a award winning artist whose down on his luck. Perferably with there own studio gallery with critically acclaimed werks. Must be able to work for nearly nothing, or entirely nothing. Grate opportunity for an artist working on there portfoilo! Have the privledge of wurking for a new, forward thinking cumpany on the edge of the trendy waive!
Must be open to constructive and deconstructive critizism. Must be able to altar works to conform to our uniquie and total vishion of the cutting edge of edgy!
All the free water you can drink!
If intesteristed, don’t call or text me. Instead male a sample of you’re wark to me.
Love and French Dips! Hehe! *wink*
Simon “Sparkcase” Simon Bolregard!
And yes, that did indeed hurt to write.
That one mispelling in their relly grates on the nervs.
Harrumph. Some people are just so unoriginal.
**winks at Taco**
Teehee!
I don’t think I’m interested in any of your male samples, Taco….
At least try a few spoonfulls of Mr. Winkey. He’s our most
disturbingpopular flavor!Unfortunately, I don’t come in Bacon. That flavor was already taken.
I am, however, available in Sauerkraut, Collard Greens, and Coleslaw.
Oh, and chicken.
Am I the only one surprised that an email address was not redacted by the Ostrimu (BBUH)? Wanders off to get a new gmail address, maybe elipsesaddict is available.
They must have missed it.
Time to send abuse to pcove.
Meh, I’m too lazy. I’ll just claim I did…
Meh, I’ll just let somebody else take credit for my phantom e-abuse mail.
Sounds too much like work to email them and I’m on vacation.
I’ve got nothing better to do; I’ll pretend you sent an abusive email and I’ll take credit for it.
Awesome. Thanks LRC.
You can make my pretend abuse as scathing as you want, just remember to swap your name in when you tell the story.
I’m too lazy to pretend to take credit for sending email abuse, I’ll post an ad on Craigslist for someone else to do it.
Can I take credit for that ad? You’ll probably not actually post the ad, so I’m fine with taking credit for the fake ad.
Can you submit the fake ad to YSaC for me so I can take credit for it? I’m too
lazybusy right now.Can you..
…finish your post to YSaC for you? No, I’m sorry, I need to work on my own YSaC posts right now. Nice use of ellipsis, though.
” ”
?
₪
fish
Ooo, word association game!
fish → filet
filet – crochet
Crochet –> Crotchet
(Darn it, sarajean. You ruined my original post, which was “Chick-Fil-A… mmmmm!!!”)
Crotchet → Cratchet → God bless us, every one!
Cratchet –> Ratchet
๏.๏ I see what you did there…
Ratchet -> Nuts
I love XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. But I never know how many are enough. The more I use, the more it seems I need the next time. It’s like an addiction. I am going to need another X key on this keyboard!
Nuts –> Sweet & Salty Nuts
Sweet & Salty Nuts –> Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls
Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls -> Schwetty Balls
Schwetty Balls –> Schwetty Gonschwami
Gonschwami → ganache
Ganache –> Gazpacho
Gazpacho → Mindfield
ganache → bridges
Souper!
Souper! –> Swedish Chef
Swedish Chef –> Bunsen burner
Bunsen Burner –> Explosion
Explosion-> quiet shirt time
What?
Explosion –> BOOM!!!! (hehehe…*)*Hey, look, an ellipsis!
Darn it, christina!
quiet shirt time –> t-shit
t-shit -> descover
descover –> desk cover
Last night I had a dream about YSaC (because I’m just that exciting of a person).
In my dream the website had been changed to a hodgepodge of animated gifs, autoplay tunes, random frames, sparkly bits, and those fun cursor chasers. It’s the first time I’ve ever woken up angry with a website.
YSaC I’m still peeved at you for changing in my dream, so give me some space. And don’t do it again.
How dare the website do that in your dream. Now I’m upset at it too. Should we create some sort of petition to stop it from doing it again in your, or anyone’s, dreams?
Damn dreamstalking website changers!
*shakes fist in air*
I was excited until I realized you said hodgepodge and not hedgehog. Now I’m also incensed on your behalf.
I dreamt about hedgehogs last night. A giant hedgehog made of blueberry cotton candy ate my car. And I was this close to finishing the Kentucky Derby, too.
Blueberry cotton candy incense?
It’s hard to tell with hedgehogs, but it didn’t look mad. Looked kinda hungry.
Ah, I see you had a vision of this site’s previous incarnation: You Suck at Geocities.
You just won the internest.*
*The Ostrimu guards the web eggs there, so I’m told.
That’s better than You Suck at Google Earth.
“She’s gone from suck to blow.”
“I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes! But she gives great helmet”
😉
No, Sir! I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again, Sir!
Good!
I’m a mog. Half man, half dog. I am my own best friend!
I don’t think there could be a more appropriate time or avatar for that quote.
I mean, it’s not like they disabled the COMMENTS section or anything! Now that would be a nightmare.
It’s hard for me to get that excited about an ellipsis. I mean, look at it.
. . .
It just isn’t something to get all pathological about.
I know, right? I mean an ellipsis? Who cares about the ellipsis?
Now, a question mark, oh hell yeah I can get all pathological about a question mark, can’t you?
Well, can’t you?
I don’t know…
A question mark is cool and all…
But…
I just…
Don’t really know…
Semicolons, man. They’re like colons without the commitment.
Oh, I’m a huge fan of the semi-colon.* Such elegance and versatility.
*This may actually be true.
I do love me a properly placed semi-colon. I don’t think Sparky 3 and I would get on that well since I deliberately rein in my ellipsis use. There are days that I just try to vomit ellipses everywhere but, seeing as I do not wish to abuse my friends in that way, I end up cleaning up most of them.
I do love that Sparky 3 admits that they have “ambiguous vision.” I expect the phrase “I’ll know it when I see it” is uttered frequently.
Add another vote for semicolons. Though not in a pathological way. I don’t stalk them or anything.
“No, no, not at all like that.”
“So, um … what, then?”
“I don’t know! I’ll just know it when I see it. You know like how censors can’t rigidly define pornography, they just know it when they see it? Like that.”
“So, you want naked people.”
“Ooh, yeah, that’s a great idea! Put in some naked people.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, yes, make with the naked people.”
“But what does that have to do with World of Warcraft?”
“What? No, no, World of Wang.”
“I think there has been a fundamental breakdown in communication here.”
Finally a place to show off my level 85 Testes Paladin!
Please refrain from using the terms “show off” and “testes” in the same sentence so early in the day.
Or ever, really.
I realize it’s too early in the day for
penispecil-talk, but I had to relate the following…<<<look ellipsessesssesWhat follows is a true story, except the names have been changed because I can't remember most of them and this was over an hour ago:
The girls where I work – all three of us – have an annual Christmas luncheon at The Cheesecake Factory every year.
Today was our day, and we invited a girl who used to work with and is still a close friend.
So, Brandy, Candy, Dandy, and I sit down to lunch and quickly begin discussing the merits of lunchtime pizza vs. salads, and so on.
Our server, Steve, comes over and joins the discussion…<<<again with the ellipseeses
"Well, I like the Let's-Save-The-Rainforest-And-Hug-A-Tree pizza, but definitely without the caramelized onions on top. I’m soooo on the fence about those”.
I looked, we all looked, at Steve…and his strangely goth/Beiber/Edward hair.
Crickets chirped.
“On the fence? About onions?” I said, incredulously.”You’re ambiguous when it comes to onions?” (thinking to myself that his life must be simple if onions create a conundrum)
“Um yeah,” he nervously tittered.
“Ooooohkayyy”
We all had a good laugh after he left. However, it was hot in the restaurant and the next time Steve came around we told him it was stifling and could they do something about it. He assured us they would turn the a/c down.
Every time he came to the table after that he’d bring food, tea, boxes, etc. and tell us that he was very sorry about the heat and they were trying to get it to cool down in here.
The last trip to the table to return the check and credit card slip for signature Steve, I guess, felt like he really knew us. He was ready to share his innermost feelings. Ready to throw off convention and get down with the old ladies.
“Thank you, ladies, and have a great holiday. I hope you can cool off when you leave here. Me, when I walk out that front door I’ll be ripping clothes off right and left.”
Crickets chirp as we stare at Steve.
“Umm..yeah, don’t think I’ll be doing that”, I said.
“Oh, well I have a t-shirt on under this and shorts under my pants and…”
“Okay, Steve, that’s enough…TMI, TMI,” I said as Hickory, Dickory, and Dock burst into uncontrollable laughter.
So, anywho…what was my point? Oh, right I have not point. I often have no point, part of my charm. 🙂
Aw, that’s cute. They look like little Christmas ornaments: One’s red and one’s blue.
It’s the patch of courage and the patch of justice. Amazingly they’re perfectly sized to fit “Pecil: The T-shirt Paladin”.
You probably don’t want to see his spell list.
I have been reading a couple of recently-purchased books and have found the word “egotestical” in both of them. I am trying to figure out WHAT the author is trying to express.
Or maybe the author simply can’t be arsed to spell correctly.
Egotestical: Someone who thinks they have huge balls.
….What? It would be cool to have big bucky balls…
Solar or Lunar ellipsis?
Lunar. Tomorrow.
It’s the Earth’s synodic period.
I’ve heard that the Earth has synchronized with the moon.
No, the moon synchronized with the Earth. It finds the Earth entirely untrustworthy so it’s always facing the planet in case it tries to shoot more of those damn rockets at it.
[lunar eclipse corey]If you are able (inclination, sleep requirements, weather conditions) the best time for a single look is supposed to be about 0317 EST Tuesday morning, as that will be the middle of the eclipse.
The red shadow of the Earth will start occulusion about 0133, with totality at 0241.
Pretty cool stuff, especially for being on the perinox (winter solistice).
[/corey]
Capn – how’s it looking for 0330? That’s my wake-up time, and even I can’t believe I get up that early.
I hope I can wake up before I go look at it. Last time I got up at an ungodly hour to see an astronomical event was when Mars was close to Earth. I have no recollection of it, but I’m told that, upon being dragged out to see it, I said, “Big whoop.” and crawled back to bed.
I was the one who convinced the family to get up and look at a little red dot in the sky.
Given that the high number of trees around my house makes any sort of stargazing all but impossible, I think I’ll stay under my nice down comforter and warm pile of cats until a more civilized hour. Then I can just Google it.
I’ve seen two lunar eclipses in my day*. One we got on video and took like 400 pictures of.
Seeing as there is a 30% chance of it being overcast in my area tonight, I think I’ll risk the extra sleep.
*Wednesday.
Only 30% chance of clouds? I might get up for that. Here, though, it’s been overcast and generally pouring rain nearly every night for the last month (and scattered showers through the day). I’m not complaining (much), though, since the weather stays warmer when we have cloud cover and our central heating is out.
Those are Eastern times, CJ.
Shadow nibbles at the moon about half-past midnight in our Central Time zone. Then fully covered at twnety of bar close. and staying covered for 72 minutes. That NASA-recommended time would be 0217 for us.
Supposed to go to “mostly cloudy” down here where the warm front is pushing Gulf air on the cool surface air. So, there’s a strong chance for seafog as far north as Waller Co.
I have to be at work by 2:45 am. And it will be snowing. So no chance of me seeing it. Ah well.
Well it just started snowing here, and Doppler says it’s not gonna stop until Thursday, so no eclipse for me.
We might have our first White Christmas here in like, ever.
Could the first one be a somewhat coded message since CL got rid of their adult services? Or is my mind just stuck in the gutter?
Yes
Yes
It’s a trap!
OH GOD YES.
Wait, what were we talking about?
If that’s the case, that is one lazy-ass-Sparky. Most jons at least put in the effort of cruising the seedy areas of town to pick up a working lady. At the very least he could call an escort service.
Or be calassy and memorize purses and license plates.
I’ve never memorized a purse before. Are we talking contents or brand?
I couldn’t tell you the contents of my own purse if you held a loaded lacawates valtrus-suka to my head, much less the contents of someone else’s purse.
All I know is that on the rare occasion that I do clean out my purse it’s akin to an archaelogical dig.
Once, some 15 years after the Hot Wheels crazed child loaded up my purse with said wonders, I found one in the bottom of the purse whilst cleaning it out. Attached to it was a peppermint candy of the same era and the rare, but highly sought after, stick of Fruit Stripe gum.
I’m something of a magpie, if I see an interesting bit of random trash I’ll pick it up and stick it in my purse. I’m also addicted to vending machines, so there’s probably a few of those little plastic capsules drifting through the debris in there as well.
I’ve got lots of Legos in my… wait a minute!
You ladies almost got me there. But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on this Taco.
Is 3:17 AM Tuesday morning early enough?
You’ve got lots of Legos in your murse? :-p
Touché, sir.
You have to get up at a slightly early, yet still rather reasonable hour to pull one over on this Taco.
EDIT: That was aimed at Astro, not EB.
So I’ll just pull one over on you when I wake up for school tomorrow at 5:30, then?
**since tomorrow’s gonna be a party day (Blah in Math, Cookies in English+movie of Lord of the Flies, Bojangles in Music Theory, Pizza and festivities in Band) I may just not go back to bed after the eclipse… hmm… this is starting to look better and better… hmmm…. eclipse…. ellipse… esclipse… ellispe… ecllipses… ecllipsis… I think I’m making myself dizzy.**
EDIT: I’m not sure I feel comfortable with you aiming things at me, Taco.
I actually posted a pic of the contents on my purse on FB. I am looking to get/design a new one so I laid everything out to get measurements and an idea of the pockets I would need.
When I lost my purse back in the spring, I thought of designing a replacement, but ended up just buying something completely different that what I had been using. Overall, I like it, except for the dearth of pockets. Everything needs more pockets.
Yeah, I know this is yesterday’s post, but still:
“What does it haves in it’s pocketses….I wonders…”
Mr. LRC is out of work, and he would like a work from home, but his name is not Jon. Also, he’s not recently impoverished, more like lately down on his luck. I’m not sure any of these opportunities would be right for him. Guess he’ll have to keep looking. *sigh*
I’ve got a lot of free artistic and web design projects he could do! They don’t pay anything but think of all the experience he’ll be getting! I’ll even let him keep the stuff I don’t like for his portfolio! I seem to be shouting again! Help! I can’t stop shouting! WHY AM I SHOUTING?!
If he’s a good cartoonist, he can totally draw my webcomic for me and I’ll just take the credit. We’ll swap it for imaginary, abusive emails.
Oh, yes, he loves to design crappy web sites for folks who don’t know any better than to use lots of flash, especially if you won’t pay him. Please expect him to do 6 months worth of work in a week, too.
He’s a rotten cartoonist and he can spell; nobody would ever believe you drew the web comic.
I’m a rotten cartoonist too! But I can’t spell.
Between the two of us we could be a rotten cartoonist who has the occasional good day of spelling!
And he doesn’t have to get all fancy with the flash. He can just use Yahoo website creator! I’ve heard great things about it from my cousin’s, friend’s brother who’s a self taught internets hacker!
I used to make some godawful websites when I first learned about HTML code (I was 10, and technically not allowed to have these websites under the hosts’ TOUs anyway, so…). Especially the first Christmas during which I had one, and had not yet discovered that a green page and red text are not, in fact, festive so much as an eyesore.
And of course, there were flashy images and self-playing midis.
By the time I learned how to design a website, we were where we are now: Where my limited skills and hard work entering code don’t look more professional than what any monkey can slap together in a generic WYSIWYG editor.
It also doesn’t help that I’ve yet to find a topic on which I can successfully* create a website that more than 5 people want to come to.
*Does it really have that many consonants in a row? Firefox says yes, but it looks funny from where I’m sitting.
Spell it however you think it looks the best.
*Right click -> Add to dictionary*
Words will never look worng again!
Taco’s offering spelling advice.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
:falls out of chair:
There’s one thing that I’ve learned from nearly 30 years of receiving advice:
Everyone loves to offer advice, but rarely is any of it good advice. Therefore it is expected, nay required by society to spew forth torrents of ill-conceived, potentially hazardous advice at every opportunity.
It is by this standard that I now live.
Remember kids, that little red switch on the back of your computer that says 115 is the hyper speed switch. Flip it over to get more speed from your computer!*
*Don’t try this at home… if you plan on telling your parents that I told you to do it.
If I told my parents I blew up our computer because some random Tex-Mex entree/magician on the internet told me to, I think I’d be in even worse trouble than if I said I’d done it of my own accord.
Good advice is as follows:
Always heed the warning labels.
Fixed that for you 🙂
Best warning label ever:
During my first year of making big piles of ordnance go boom, I was looking at the wrapped bricks of C4 as we were placing them one day. “Warning: DO NOT EAT”
Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause that was my first inclination upon opening the box of PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES!!!
Well, obviously they’d gone back in time after seeing that scene in Iron Man 2 where the c4* is impersonating mashed potatoes.
*At least, that’s what I think it was.
The scary part is not that there is a “DO NOT EAT” warning on the C4. The scary part is that someone at some point ate a hunk of it and precipitated the need for the warning.
Naturally its consumption resulted in a sudden and violent distension of their belly, followed by plumes of smoke emanating from their mouth as they pounded their chest with a fist and excused themselves.
([corey] Yes, I know C4 needs an electrical circuit to detonate and doesn’t explode on impact or even when burnt. Just assume our hapless C4 muncher swallowed a lantern battery as an appetizer. [/corey])
Bombdude, you just know someone tried to eat the C4, and that’s why they had to put that warning on it.
This is the world we live in, folks.
[corey] Actually, it comes from the Viet Nam era. Back then, when it was a different (not so poisonous) composition, in the colder weather, it was difficult to mold properly, so they would break off a hunk and chew on it to warm it up and make it more malleable. However, these days, that’s enough to poison you. We got the call from the base hospital one day, asking for the composition and ingredients, so they’d know what to treat.
Also, for the Smiley Puppy, C4 doesn’t solely require electricity to detonate. It requires a sensitive HE (high explosive) detonator (blasting cap) to set it off. That can be an electric blasting cap, or a powder-time-fuse blasting cap. They did this to make it safer to carry into combat. It requires 3 components, heat, shock and friction. So you can shoot it, and it will splatter, but not detonate. You can burn it, and start your fire to heat your MRE (no, I’ve never done this 😉 ) but it won’t detonate. Don’t light some on fire and try to stomp it out though…<<< oh look! ellipses! {/corey]
Whew! That was a big one…
Wait a minute, so was Astro the architect for Taco’s dream last night?
(*Wow this thread got long; this response looks out of place. Also, autocorrect wants to change “*Wow” to “owEow”, which I suppose is an appropriate response to the C4 corey.)
Didn’t realize there was more to C4 than just a couple of stripped wires and an electric signal set to a timer. Although electric blasting caps do look kinda like speaker wire with a thick metal cathode at the end.
I have heard stories about heating MREs over a nice C4 fire though, which kind of struck me as odd. I guess Sterno is hard to come by in the field… (My turn at ellipses!)
A “work from home” WHAT?
I know several gentlemen named Jon (and a few more who could fake it convincingly) and I know they could GET the job but I don’t know that they could DO the job (seeing as we don’t know what the job IS).
Hrm. I appear to be fighting off a mutated case of TacoShouting.
See above conversation…
*snergle*
EB,
Almost like building a pie, isn’t it?
Sometimes, people are like pies. They have a third, deeper layer that’s just the same as the first.
I’m officially adding you to my girl-crush list, EB.
I’d add her to my stalking list, but she’s already there.
*Furtive look*
Awww, I have stalkers… How… sweet?
🙂
Happens to me twice a month right after pay day.
I thought that said IMMEDIATELY IMPROVISED…..
😉
I wouldn’t mind having my own personal MacGuyver, but you
haven’t caughtdon’t see me posting an ad on CraigsList for one.Actually, I did.
Sadly, having such knowledge does not pay very well–but none of these three, ah, “ads” mentions any sort of pay, either. They barely mention even getting credit–some sort of stepsister reflex looking for fairy godmother-less Cinderellas.
But, it’s ok; I’m jamming listening to The Trishas on youtube.
Gaspity!
502 Bad Gateway error to report: 13:44 Mountain time, when trying to submit a comment. Refreshing fixed, and my comment was even still nicely in the comment box for me to submit again.
I got one of those too, probably around the same time. I’m betting that’s the gateway’s preferred quiet shirt time.
Windrose, I’m sorry to inform you that I’ve received this ad in the sidebar:
Astro, Thank you for letting me make this Public Service Announcement: Friends, before you buy poison or scare products to get rid of poor defenseless birdies, call 1-800-WINDROSE so that we can rescue and relocate these wild birds. We will remove the birds, the guano, and the nests full of sweet little babies. For no extra charge, we will give you a beautiful, hand-painted scrapebook page so you can remember this wonderful event. Thanks, friends, for letting me help you!
I swear that sounds like something you’d mail-order to the middle of a sierra from an Acme catalog.
And it would arrive in a giant wooden crate with Bird-B-Gone stenciled on the side in great big letters.
Acme Inc. does not condone the use of Bird-Be-Gone to get rid of birds. Bird-Be-Gone is a gag gift, and is designed to backfire when used by coyotes. Bird-Be-Gone is a product manufactured by Acme Inc., a subsidiary of Looney Bros, Inc. All buyers of Bird-Be-Gone sign a waiver that releases Acme Inc. from any suits that may follow if the Bird-Be-Gone is used inappropriately. Thank you.
Why DOES the Coyote keep ordering things from ACME if none of it works? Why doesn’t he order a chicken or turkey sandwich if he has the money?
More importantly, what on earth must his bills looks like?
christina has been found box-worthy. Hooray!
That is not quite the structure of the sentence as I first read it, so I’ll just congratulate Christina for the intended reason.
Are you going to recycle her punchity?
We’re really following through with this whole “Go Green” thing, aren’t we?
Christina deserves a fresh punchity!
I’m not worthy! I don’t mind a recycled punch, it might pack less of a sting the second time around.
502 Bad Gateway!
Nginx!
Bad Gateway! *w-tch!*
Oh wait…
502 Bad Gateway
nginx
5:31 PM E{S|D*}T
*Whichever one we’re in this part of the year.
I simplify it and leave out the middle letter, expecting most people to look at the clock and sorta base their planning off *it* rather than having to think about a contrived and outmoded seasonal change.
Mostly, I figure people ignore that middle letter anyway and go with whatever their clock currently claims.
I always ignore the middle finger. 8)
Oh wait, maybe I should get some Bird-B-Gone to deal with that.
Me too, first ever, 502 Bad Gateway; 1630 CST 20 Dec 10; IE 8 on XP Pro SPIII
So, we’ve started doing old ads now?
Hi!
Only on the weekends, to give the Llama-Nun and Ostrimu (BBUT) some well-deserved rest.
I seem to remember Taco saying he likes to scrape dollars off of prostitutes.
I think he said he likes to scrape the molars of prostitutes, because he wants to be a dentist someday but can’t afford the schooling.
He’s just a misfit, isn’t he?
He is not just a nitwit.
He’s such a dear of a reindeer.
Mr. AR is also looking for work right now, but I’m pretty sure that continued unemployment would be better than answering any of these ads.
In other news, he also got hooked for one of these “I’ll send you lots of money and you send me the change!” scams. They sent the check and everything. Does anyone really fall for those?
Wait, he went through with it or just got them to send the check and that was the end of it? I do still hear of the occasional people falling for advance fee and 419 scams, but it’s usually elderly or really, really naive people who blow their life savings and end up destitute because of them.
The sad part is that because these schemes are still going around, it’s obviously still fooling enough people to make it very profitable.
Mr. AR put up an ad for tutoring services on a local listserv. He got an email back from someone saying she(?) wanted him to tutor her son, with very few details. He emailed back with specific questions, but kept getting vague replies. He asked her to call him, and she asked for his mailing address to send the check. She never called, but he got a large check in the mail with a note about sending back the extra to pay the nanny, or something like that. He shredded the check, and hasn’t heard from her since.
Good — at least he made “her” waste a little time and effort. I’d like to believe that as time wears on these scams are getting less and less effective as more people are clued into the scams — but then scammers will just find some new scheme and wear that down to a cliche.
Mindfield, that Nigerian Prince you talked to yesterday is on line 4 for you.
Tell him I’m still waiting for him to send me that picture of him in a Dora the Explorer loincloth and a poofy chef’s hat with the words “Treble” and “Bass” written below each of his nipples and the word “Power” below his navel. Once I have that for my “People of the Buttery Kingdom” art exhibit, I will send him the fees necessary to wire the money to me.
I was selling a car some years ago, and got the ubiquitous email about “I own an import/export business. I would like to buy your car, and I’ll pay you 50% more than what you are asking, and send you double that, and you send the rest to this person I owe money to for some other business. Just send it Western Union to this Nigerian address.” I went along with it long enough to get the Wells Fargo cashiers check. Just as a memento.
I’ve gotten numerous offers and bids for stuff I’ve sold on eBay, CL or Kijiji. They don’t always mention Nigeria in their initial message but as soon as I respond and they talk about shipping stuff there, the conversation gets binned. I swear, nobody is ever going to do legitimate business with anyone in Nigeria. It has become inextricably synonymous with “scam.”
Ah ha! A couple three weeks ago, I put an ad on C/L to sell my 20-year-old livestock trailer. I got an email response from a fellow interested in buying it. Sight unseen. Full asking price via a “Certified Bank Check” directly to my account. And have it shipped to Louisiana. From California. Uh huh.
I forwarded the email to Mr. Eyebrows at work and asked him 1) how did Louisiana end up in Nigeria? and 2) do they not make livestock trailers east of the Mississippi? *tongue in cheek* (Those poor people…after having dealt with Katrina and all.) Since he deals with situations like this from the citizens of his town from time to time (usually after they have fallen for it), you can imagine his response.
The trailer is still sitting in our driveway.
Well, let’s see… Ellipsis is the title of the school’s literary magazine…
Hey, I should sign up my English teacher as a joke!
christina, you are getting a shiney, new Punchity Punch Punch! 8)
G’Night, DreamWorks!