I need a witness for court-DUI
I was going to post this under a JOB for actors/actress. I need someone (preferably 21-30) to testify for me that I drank 2 beers at dinner before I left and drove home. $100
I might not even need you to testify just be available to.
Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that this guy’s moral compass points towards a Miller Lite sign?
(This was posted under tv/film/video/radio jobs.)
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Just like our friends who sell “herbs” on CL, this can never fail!
And, if for some reason it does, you’ll be famous! Every major news network will pick up the story of Sparky and his plan to hire an actor to be a witness for him.
Why is it that Sparky has so few friends to be witnesses for him…or are they better friends than he thinks?
TESTIFY!!!!
Tonight on Traffic Court, the role of Sparky will be played by Witt Less, with a guest appearance by Dr. Ima Pharce, MSW as The Witness. The part of the two beers will be played by Bacontini.
Seriously, don’t trust those guys selling herbs. I thought $20 was pricey for some tiny bag of herbs, but he said they were exotic so I bought some. I made a stew and added the herbs, it tasted terrible!
I know! I don’t make Hawaiian food, so the Maui Wow stuff didn’t interest me. I don’t make Canaidiana food either, so I didn’t have any use for the BC Buds. And the Thai stick didn’t work when I made chicken satay. I still had to use skewers. The Acupulco Gold made my chimichangas taste terrible. Waste of perfectly good Mexican food. Also, it oddly made me want more food after I’d eaten it.
What?
I never actually did that in college (prefer liquid infusion of chemicals – more tasty and social), just knew pleeeeennttyyyyy of people who did. And some who still do. And who will discuss it at length if you let them. And even if you don’t.
Weird, this was supposed to go under christina. Well, whatever.
But I bet you ate it all anyway.
Ha, I was going to add something about not being able to sto eating but I figured; a) folks might not get the joke or b) those who got the joke would think I knew a bit too much about the effects of “herbs.”
I’ll just quote Chef from South Park: “There’s a time and a place for everything, children, and it’s called college.”
Dear Cleetus McSparky,
Hello. My name is Astrognash, and I think I could work with you. I occasionally* like to think of myself as a thespian, and my prior experience in acting amounts to reading the dialogue of the prosecution’s lawyer** in the book Dovey Coe in 8th Grade English, reading the parts of Mercutio and Romeo in the play Romeo and Juliet in 9th Grade English, and lying to my sister back when she believed everything I told her. (I had her thinking that cancer was an evil being that ate you from the inside out if you ever touched your brother’s stuff.) So, my plan is to testify that you drank two beers at dinner before driving home, along with a couple bottles of whiskey, and a bacontini.
Sincerely,
Astrognash
*Never
**I even did what I thought was a classic sleazy southern lawyer voice.
I managed to convince my sister that if you ate candy that was past the expiration date, it had no calories. She believed it for over a year, until Mom set her straight.
The best part is she’s almost two years older than I am.
I apparently terrified my sister by telling her that the freckle on her shoulder was the head of the nail god used to nail her arm back on because it fell off before she was born. I, um, didn’t realize that she took me seriously and was afraid for *ages* that it would fall off again.
Without siblings, I just had all the weird stuff my mom told me. I once asked her if I could unbutton my belly button. She said yes, but I shouldn’t because I’d explode. For years after, I would check it to make sure it was securely fastened. Funniest part is I have an innie, so it’s not like there was anything to “unbutton” in the first place.
Actually, cancer is the number one killer disease.
That was some fractured syntax. Thank you.
Seriously funny… or funnily serious.
However inappropriate it was, I still laughed. I’ll go to my room now.
[Odd coincidence corey] For various professional reasons, just got through a long, tedious, CDC screed on the efficacy of increased cancer screening as a Public Health issue.
Short version: Sounds good, is a great sound bite; but is terrible public policy. This latter from the fact that increased early screening skews all of the incidence numbers, not one of which is in an improved way.
Details to all this are quite droll, somewhat tedious, and run contrary to the required “public face” that current custom requires.
[/corey]
I think Sparky has been watching too many quirky comedies on Netflix. In what possible parallel universe would this not blow up in Sparky’s face?
Everyone knows that the 21-30 demographic is incapable of uttering false information about alcohol-related shenanigans! Hey, Sparks? FYI? It’s always only two beers once law enforcement gets involved and it never works.
EDIT: Sprinkle [corey] and [/corey] liberally, and add two beers as you see fit.
Doing Catmath with beer in the equation could be potentially problematic.
Well, it sounds like he’s USING catmath to get from howevermany beers to two…
I don’t know, “add two beers as you see fit” sounds less like math and more like good advice.
Depends on whether the catulator likes the beer you have out.
(Which can be problematic even when arithmetic is not involved.)
Since that becomes
no! You’ve had elebenty anchovies already, you’ll have gas for a week; and no, that’s MY beer; hey, quit stepping on the pizza, I know where those paws just were; ok, logarithm for f(x) where, EEEE! no, MY cheese; (sub)x where, HEY, those pizza-bones have garlic-salt, that’s right, too much “nose” for you, blinking your eyes, right; hey, get your face out of my beer
or some such.
OMG … Marvin Gaye needs me!!
I’m ready to be a backup sing…er, sure… two beers… last night…rural road…speed limit…got it.
When do I come to the studio, I mean, court?
Let’s see, I get $100 and a chance to do time for perjury? Where do I sign up?
Uhhhhhhhhhhh, maybe I’m more tired than I thought. I could have sworn I posted two comments this morning, but I see only one. Have I lost my mind? Wait, don’t answer that part.
My alcohol levels are low….must get off work and replenish. With just two beers, of course.
Edit: meaning there would be 3 comments total from me, not two. Weird.
Uh, guys, is something weird goin on? THIS is showing up in my “Talk Amonst Yourselves” sidebar:
“Warning: printf() [function.printf]: Too few arguments in /home/leighvh/webapps/wp/wp-content/plugins/recent-comments-with-avatars/comments.php on line 134
on YSaC, Vol. 758: Can I get a witless?
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by shinsei designs, YouSuckatCraigslist. YouSuckatCraigslist said: YSaC, Vol. 758: Can I get a …”
It’s in there with the regular comments, just sitting there. What IS that????
I think it’s the trackback/pingback thing you see at the bottom of the page but before the Leave a Reply box.
Speaking of the bottom of the page, I just discovered at the very, very bottom of the page, there’s a tiny little smiley face.
That made my day.
The bottom of *my* page doesn’t have a smiley face, tiny or otherwise. YSaC just likes you better. [pout]
Are you sure? I saw it right under the “switch to our mobile site” link.
I have nothing under that link except the bottom status bar which says “Done”. But then, my reply box also frequently overlaps the sidebar so I know that all is not working quite as one might hope on my browser. Still, it serves to deliver me the fresh and brilliant YSaC snark so I don’t mind if it does like you better… I’m not greedy. I’ll just make my own smileys.
😀 😀 😀 😀
They never run out.
😀 😀 😀 😀
I can pretend… they came… from the bottom of the page. *sniff*
😀 😀 😀 :'( 😀
It shows up using IE but not Chrome.
I see it too. I use Firefox, if that makes a difference?
FireFox 3.6.8 on Win 7, here.
Oddly, my IE on this computer *does* display it. Well, there goes a perfectly good pout wasted.
Ahh, the mysteries of browsers. Worse than wimmin, I tells ya.
FF 3.6.8 for Mac, here, FWIW.
FF 3.6.8 for Mac, here, FWIW.
Catmath equation or future subject line for a spambot singles ad? Solve for MIFFY.
No smiley on Flock, yes on Firefox and Chrome.
I have it on my Mac (OSX 10.6.4) Chrome (5.0.375.126). It’s a 🙂 face rolled 90° right.
None for me, FF 3.6.8 under XP SP3 on Wintel.
Except for this one: 🙂 :{|
No smiles on Blazer, but Blazer isn’t much to smile about. January (when my contract is up and I can get an EVO with 4Q service) seems so far away…sigh.
Here are some smiles for those in need:
🙂 😉 😀 8)
The “Talk amongst yourself” box doesn’t like trackbacks/pingbacks. Then again, neither do I, because it’s usually sites that are stealing our content.
There seems to be a bot that people seem to think works (probably ’cause a web site said so) for getting tweet/pingback content into Comment sections across the interwebs.
I have yet to see one actually work. They all seem to trash the stylesheet, no matter the one used. They “flag” as nuisance-ware. That not being a well-defined category, it will get dumped as a malware activity report. Especially by automated systems.
Which requires some human person to act like a grown up and go look. I know what happens if it is this g’rup; unknown what happens under the gaze of PHB or the like.
Friends, and you are my friends, testify with me now!!
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for hoppiness, because they will be swilled.
Blessed are the parched, because they will be shown barely.
Blessed are the pure mountain waters, because they will be anointed by Clothespin Jeebus.
Blessed are the boilermakers, because they will be called sons of female dogs.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for drunkenness, because the sodomy of prison is theirs.
*Money? I would be crazy to take money for this! (Please call 1-976-buymeacaddy to make donations, or you will die a horrible death in 5 minutes)
Shown barely? You mean naked? Ewww.
One speeling error does not a sermon make!
Verily, should that not read “unmake”?
I so, so hope that the person who replies to this is law enforcement …
Yeah, and not the dyslexic cop because I really wouldn’t care to see a witness recount an IUD…
Oh goodness, I barely even wanted the nurse there when I was getting mine put in, I don’t want to think about “witnesses”.
What, TMI?
Why, sure! I’d LOVE to perjure myself for a lousy one hundred bucks and to help some cretin walk free who might then get plastered whilst celebrating and then run somebody over on the way home.*
*Is, very likely, not true.
Sparky went a Courtin’
Sparky went to court and he did lie, uh-huh
Sparky went to court and he did lie, uh-huh
Sparky went to court and he did lie
With a perjured witness by his side, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
He strode right up to the courthouse door, uh-huh
He strode right up to the courthouse door, uh-huh
He strode right up to the courthouse door
Said he drank two on tap, before he drove a Ford, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
He said, “Mr. Judge do you believe me?” uh-huh
He said, “Mr. Judge do you believe me?” uh-huh
He said, “Mr. Judge do you believe me?”
If you do so happy I will be, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
“Not a fat chance in hell”, uh-huh
“Not a fat chance in hell”, uh-huh
“Not a fat chance in hell”,
“Maybe if your witness was Jerry Falwell,” uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
Sparky, he went downtown, uh-huh
Sparky, he went downtown, uh-huh
Sparky, he went downtown
Bubba made him dress in a slinky gown, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
Where shall the wedding be? uh-huh
Where shall the wedding be? uh-huh
Where shall the wedding be?
Way down in Cali where the qays are free, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
The first to come in was a cardboard Bea, uh-huh
The first to come in was a cardboard Bea, uh-huh
The first to come in was a cardboard Bea
With a big ass fidder warch on her knee, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
The wedding gift was a couch with snakes, uh-huh
The wedding gift was a couch with snakes, uh-huh
The wedding gift was a couch with snakes
It gobbled down the witness fake, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
Having little bit of beer is safe, uh-huh
Having little bit of beer is safe, uh-huh
Having little bit of beer is safe
If you have to much you’ll go to Sing Sing yourself, uh-huh uh-huh, oh yeah.
Needs more cowbell! Elelbenty fake doors HC!
In the Tom & Jerry cartoon, I recall the uh-huh part being something like “crambone!”
No idea what that means, but I’m glad you didn’t say “hambone!”
“I need another geetar string!” *yank*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xGC9mNwTwQ
This is my own horn. I am going to toot it now. 8)
http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=5125#comment-58771
The tooted horn. It is awesome. 🙂
Edit: Whew! I was at least able to change one of my nnBlues back to EclecticBlue… Don’t worry, Not.A.Secret.Identity!
Awesome! I missed most of the day due to work, and all of last night due to “ladies night” (which ended with Christina getting lost on a country road, alone at 1am with one bar of cell service, praying her tires would survive). Now I don’t have to go back and read everything I missed.
YSaC recaps make the world that much more epic–thanks Windrose 😀
I was amazingly awesome, Windrose. Have any of the rest of you seen the recap of LOST? Four seasons in eight minutes or something like that? A friend sat me down and made me watch it, and afterwards I told her it felt like my brain had gotten food poisoning. Well, in my head that recap yesterday used the same style and voice. But without the mental food poisoning.
Thanks, Katy, and yes, you were amazingly awesome!
I thought I double checked my post before I sent it.
I meant to say, of course, that the post yesterday, *it* was amazingly awesome.
Note to self: tea, THEN internet.
However, I appreciate the compliment anyway.
1 part snark, 1 part sincerity, shaken, not stirred, and served dry.
A good recipe.
You know, I’ve been to a lot of restaurants that serve gighugic beers. Sparky never said I couldn’t tell the court he had two half gallon tankards of beer. Seems like an easy way to make $100 to me.
Best idea yet.
$100 is a lot of beer money
[flat-out rant]
Once again, the “CL is anonymous, so I can get away with anything” phenomenon raises its ugly head.
Gee Sparq, you’re up for a misdemeanor, like as not. A ticket, a couple-hundred dollars ticket. Maybe some urine testing and Public Service hours.
But, Subornation of Perjury is not, it’s a FELONY. A serious one in just about every state. Means at least a year in the a$$-pounding penitentiary, and a fine in the $1000 to $10,000 range.
Oh, and the dim bulb that answers your ad? Gee, Perjury is a Felony. Criminal Conspiracy is also a felony. Across state lines, it’s a federal felony–just the sort of thing to liven up a dull AUSA’s docket.
Especially Perjury aforethought, this is considered a major crime, as it is a blow at the cornerstone of American jurisprudence. Our justice system relies upon, requires even, that sworn testimony is, in fact, truthful. The panel seated as jury has enough on their plate, they have enough facts to sift through ans decide in an impartial way. The very thought, the concept, that every stated fact might be false introduces a level of complexity that would make a Chinese crossword seem simple.
So, just about everyone in the Judicial branch (and that includes Modesto, Sparq) will gang up on perjury line a dropped c-note at the unemployment office.
On second thought, you go right ahead, Sparq, you’ll meet your Tobias Fünke, who you clearly need. Mayhaps you’ll be lucky and your co-conspirator will join you in the showers.
[/rant]
Thanks Capn. I couldn’t rant properly about the perjury, being too focused on the following:
[Personal corey] My cousin was riding his bike to work one morning a few years ago, and was hit when a drunk driver blew through a red light at 50 mph in a 35 mph zone. The guy’s license was already suspended for DUIs (as he was drunk at 9 am, I suppose this may be assumed). My cousin survived, barely, but he now has permanent brain damage affecting his ability to remember the steps involved in completing any sort of task. This means he can no longer work. So…you won’t be getting very much on-point snark from me today. [/corey]
Love you both.
The thing that unhinges me the most about drunk drivers and the pain they cause is that it is all SO EASILY PREVENTABLE. When I was dating my hubby, I told him that if he ever drove drunk, even the three blocks between the bar and his abode-at-the-time, I would turn him in myself.
[responsible citizen corey] Well, it’s also a double-edged sword. In Texas, your DL is defaced, and you can lose property on arrest, not as a consequence of conviction, which raises my 4th Amendment hackles a bit.
Especially since no one can demonstrate that the ‘abuse’ reduces crime in a reasonable or demonstrable way. (Which is reflected in the sad statistic that something like a 1/3 of DWI stops are of people with a pending DWI, so they are driving on suspended licenses.)
Living in a University town, I am horrified by the number of people who liquor-up before going to the bars. Some of that is the (foolish to me) age restrictions on drinking. Some of that, though seems to be part of a culture that says that it is better to be insensate or near-insensate at all times.
Which is frightening in and of itself. The worst part being, not that they are dangerous and inexperienced, but that they are just “training up” to become “high functioning” in the most dangerous DUI cohort, 36-47. Said group having the duality of multiple offense while having families and jobs and the like.
The plethora of laws we have is not working. I suspect that part of that is that we have too many laws. That, with the maze of picayune and arcane regulations, especially the ones with no possible method of enforcement (even under Draconian conditions) that scofflawry almost should be expected.
But, I am biased, I know and admit it. Those who most needed to be “punished” for their DWI sins have not been; those who only needed to be “scared straight” have been crushed by the pile-on effects of “first offense” rules.
But, I fear I am a lone voice in the wilderness, heard only by the grit in the wind and with the permanence of yesterday’s clouds.
[/corey]
Love you too, Moira. ♥
I’ve often thought the county in South America that I no longer remember the name of was spot on in having one punishment for drunk driving. Execution. None of this fooling around with suspended license and getting another chance to kill more innocent people. One violation, it’s over.
That said, I drove drunk once in my life. And went to a liquor store to buy more booze. Once I sobered up, I was so scared at what I had done, I stopped drinking completely for years. I am very willing to be the designated driver when my honey goes to a beer tasting event.
And I think I mentioned in the forums that my birthday is not a very lucky day for me. You all know what happened on 09/11/2001. Well, on 09/11/1974, my 20th birthday, a drunk driver ran a red light and hit the side of my mom’s car. I was in the passenger seat. No one was badly hurt, physically. Anyway, not to drag this out much more, the drunk driver was AWOL from the Navy base and trying to get back before anyone noticed he was gone. I bet that looked good on his record!
Adding to this, I’ve known four kids (ages 17 to 20) who were killed by drunk drivers. In all three cases (two were killed by the same driver) the drunk driver served no more than 2 years. Here in Texas I’d likely do the same amount of time for not paying parking tickets. It doesn’t make sense to me.
Christina is sadly correct about Texas.
Until the charge is Intoxication Vehicular [crime] (which means somebody went bleeding to medical care), the convictions all have a huge range of penalties.
Judge sees a parent, employed, otherwise responsible, found guilty of a ‘simple’ DWi, they tend to follow their humanity and not toss the entire book at them. Even with previous arrests or even previous convictions.
Which then makes crimes like Intoxication Vehicular Assault or Intoxication Vehicular Manslaughter seem rather draconian to juries. The jurors are all “used” to their friends and relatives having to pony up $5-9000, serve a couple hundred CS hours, be on probation for the year, maybe do 20-30 weekends in jail. All of the “sudden” IVA or IVM are major felonies with 23 month minimum sentences and $10k fines. Which makes voire dire more complicated. Especially since, in Texas, the jury makes the sentence recommendation.
Which means it’s ‘better’ to be a single parent who got caught, than a drunken frat punk, juries can have less sympathy. (Local exemplar of this got 12 years not too long ago.)
Give me that crown for le Roi du Monde for a week or so, I’d make some changes. Not sure they’d be of any help at all, but changes they’d be.
But, maybe, just maybe, I’ve been a witness to too many traffic accidents and had to sit in one to many courtrooms.
Figures. I can’t log into this website from work, but from Budapest? No problem!
Oooh, Magyar-flavored snark! Bet it has a lot of paprika.
*craving for smoked hot paprika*
Yes, lots of paprika on everything. Alas, I can’t think of anything snarky to add to the commentary so far. I think I’m out of practice.
Hmm, good Hungarian smoked paprika on a pork chop with some thin-sliced potatoes gratin–if not quite fit for the King of the Magyar, then good enough for a tinseled magpie.
I’m partial to the stews, myself. Of course, I like making stew so that may have something to do with it.
I should go buy another rabbit. It is very tasty as a paprikás. (Sour cream, yum.)
I’d rather offer $200 for a judge.
You can’t get a good Judge for under $40000 these days. Probably more if it’s a ’69 4 speed with Ram Air.
Actually, a “Judge” is reasonably easy to come by, and in various kinds of ‘dress.’
MSRP is in the $450-650 range.
What seems trickier to find, though, is the leather to carry one around, even in judicial attire.
(Note, Taurus is a Brazilian-based company, and that my reflect their opinions on how Judicars arm themselves–large-bore automatics seem to be the choice here locally.)
The thing that worries me is that Sparky here either doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word “gig”, or he actually expects this to happen on a regular basis, hence calling it “a JOB”.
See above, this is probably not Sparq’s first DWI stop, let alone arrest.
Saturday Recap
A slow start as always on the weekends, Meredith felt herbs could never fail, and Windrose wrote an episode of Traffic Court. Christina and Lola recalled college recipes and HamCan and Christina had the munchies.
Astrognash applied for the job, based on his acting experience, while Sarajean, Moira, and Bridgete shared the joys of silly things kids believe. Dan gave a visual report on cancer, Smedley, LimeLolly, and Cap’nMac graded it on the curve.
Sarajean mused on the likelihood of this changing Sparky’s face and life expectancy. Abwh explained a corey regarding young people, Laurelhach, EB, and Christina ordered more beers. Cap’n complained about sharing his beer with his catulator.
LimeLolly saw a vision of Marvin Gaye, kellie needed the money, and Meredith noticed weird things happening on YsaC. Even weirder than the ad of the day! Astro found smiles and started a scavenger hunt using remote browsers and code. We had a Miffy sighting.
HamCan gave his sermon on the dismount, Smedley corrected him, and Cap’nMac got the last word. Lola, HamCan, and Bridgete hoped a dyslexic cop would give Sparky an IUD, but Kae wanted the money.
HamCan burst into song, Windrose appreciated it, Christina was thankful, and Lou Stool asked for another geetar string, which HC supplied.
Windrose unveiled the first recap, and was encouraged by EB, Christina, Laurelhach, and KatyCat. Windrose teased KatyCat with her own string. She returned the compliment, unused.
Christina and Bridgete wanted bigger beer glasses. Keelhaulrose needed the money.
The snark slipped away while Cap’n, Bridgete, Moira, Windrose, and Christina recalled the serious issue behind today’s post. Drunk drivers not only take lives, they seldom take personal responsibility for the crimes, are repeat offenders, and aren’t given heavy enough punishments. We may have to start YsaC-ADD, YsaC Against Drunk Drivers.
Camille joined us from Budapest! Lola and Cap’n longed for the romance of foreign parts. Camille hasn’t used her snark in too long, but was greatly missed and fondly received. A rare appearance by Danny DelVecchio started a little gun slinging with Cap’n and Sarajean. KatyCat wondered what made Sparky think this was just a gig, and Cap’n arrested the thread. Windrose will be back shortly with the punch.
I know I couldn’t do this when the comments go over 200! 8)
Actually, YADD is a brilliant idea.
And you continue to be awesome, Windrose!
Bianchi Sound! So glad the goddess has returned to the Don’t Suck Box. Just wish you could show up here to know about it. 8) Punchity punch punch!
G’Night, Maui!