YSaC, Vol. 454: Can I leave my asschapeau on?
AFRICAN FISH – 50 (DREXEL HIL)
Goood mourning –
I am seeking an angle to come to my house and bring me two 20 oz wawa coffees with cream and NO sugar. Any apple fritters would be a big plus. A slow soft wet and deep blow job after the coffe followed by spooning untill we both fall asleep would be the perfict ending to our first meeting. Open to long term comitment with right lsdy, but you must have increadable tits to hold on to and a great big ass to use for my pillow. Sound nice? Hit me back with your stats and a pic and tell me how long it will take you to get here, and this may be your dream date come true. Please noone over 5’4″ and keep your wig on.
Bob
Andrew sent this ad in with the following commentary/translation:
“I found this little gem whilst trying to cheer myself up a bit this morning — juxtaposing why I’m single to people who actually deserve to be so.”
“Our friend Bob here appears to be an diabetic ichthyologist from the Sudan, recovering from the death of a loved one. He apparently needs some coffee, some apple fritters, and oral release to complete his magnum opus on the psychosocial dynamics of the koi pond in his condo in DREXEL HIL(L). Pity, really — the editors at Nature have been calling him for weeks. Do you know an angle with increadable tits for him? The world of science rests on your shoulders. Perfict, thanks. Remember your wig.”
Andrew, there isn’t a single thing I can add to this, except … how on earth does reading something like this make you feel better about being single? Anyway, I just want you to know that the application of the “still single?” tag is on Bob’s behalf, not yours.
Edited to add: Apparently this showed up on Date Wrecks a couple of days ago, also submitted by Andrew. Jami, we need to coordinate these things!
“…a great big ass to use for my pillow.”
Not a great move on burrito night.
I think Ass-Pillow would be a good band name.
My avatar is my cat Firefly using her sister Fearless as a pillow, but it’s more like a thigh- or belly-pillow than an ass-pillow.
When cats do that, it’s cute. When this guy asks to do that, it’s creepy.
It falls into the same category as a lick on the face or rolling onto the back and asking for a bellyrub; it elicits “aww”s when an animal does it but elicits restraining orders when men do it.
And it’s even creepier when a guy in an animal costume does it (unless you’re into that too).
-Snorts-
Thanks for the advice with the wimmenz, ladies. 😛
And are we thinking from a friend or someone you’re dating here? Because the lick on the face may just be accidental… Will I still get a restraining order or just a knee to the crotch? 😉
jackie31337, the closest I’ve come to that was a fella who wanted me to call him “Fluffy” while we were…close. Things went downhill pretty fast after that.
Igor, accidents can be forgiven. If I start feeling like a human lollipop, the knee comes up.
It really can be difficult to find the right lsdy. Even with such large criteria. And never have I been more thankful that I am over 5’4″ with ish hair.
Too bad you don’t qualify because your age doesn’t fit the requirements of
True, I’ll never again see the young side of
I think I’m approach the age of from the other side … thankfully in this case as he sounds unreal …
I wonder if both those coffees are for him, or if he’s planning on sharing. If he is sharing, I wonder if the lucky lsdy that replies to this ad is allowed to have sugar in her(?) coffee or if that is strictly forbidden.
Also, I imagine it would be hard to fall asleep after all that coffee so this meeting in itself might be a pretty long term commitment.
It might seem small compared to all of the other ridiculousness in this post, but I laughed out loud at the “Sound nice?” part. Um, no, it doesn’t sound nice AT ALL, you big freak!
That was my favorite part too! No, it most certainly doesn’t!
I don’t know what this guy’s definition of “nice” is, but having some random stranger’s face pressed into my backside while his cheesy feet are rubbing against the back of the head (and probably giving me athlete’s foot in the ear or something) is not even on the same planet as “nice”.
You ladies are clearly spoiled.
I’m just saying.
Not to be obtuse, but I’d also love to find the right angle. A cute one would be nice.
Education is good, but number of degrees unimportant.
I hope to find someone complementary.
You didn’t specify whether you’re looking for a straight angle or not.
Good point! As long as we can get adjacent, and soon, I’m pretty open.
Except for bisected angles. I draw the line there.
Oooh, nice! I got that and now feel a little geeky.
This is just wrong,wrong,wrong! For starters, is this considerate fellow going to drink 40 ounces of coffee? I can only assume that since he wants both the same way and makes no mention of the “angle’s” preferences. That’s about a third of a gallon. Of gas station coffee. Not even the good stuff from Starbuck’s, but the cruddy stuff that has probably been sitting on a hot plate for a while and tastes like battery acid. And is he going to drink all of that before the bj? Because that stuff goes through you like drano. He doesn’t even offer to pay for it or the fritters.
He does get some points for at least mentioning spooning and preferring short women of ample proportions(which I am), but those are quickly lost under a sheer mountian of utter asshattery. You want to use me as an ass-pillow? But I have to keep my wig on AND bring you refreshments? Gee, I’ll have to pass, but I’m sure the girls will come a-runnin’. Bringing coffee and apple fritters, of course.
He is definitely a candidate for long term “comitment”, probably from too much “lsdy” back in the day.
Yeah, but isn’t it tempting? I would so consider going for it if he had wanted biscotti instead of an apple fritter.
Or hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Those things are terrific! If he stacked enough on his ‘wawa’ he might get a response.
sarajean – you seem to be hinting that longer is better…….
If you’ve seen the hole in the center of a Krispy Kreme then you’ll know exactly what I’m implying 🙂
I would also like to suggest that he couldn’t fit more than one or two without…ahem…’over-extending’ himself.
Ouch!
The scariest part when reading ads like this? You just know that, somewhere out there, someone will answer it. Some short curvy woman is reading it saying “I didn’t have anything better to do today, so I’m going to go buy coffee and fritters for some stranger, give him a BJ, then fall asleep spooning with his head on my ass.” Also, I think I see the height limit reasoning – it’s a bitch to get your head down on a 6′ woman’s pillow ass while spooning. A 5’4″ woman makes it easier to simultaneously spoon and ass pillow.
He doesn’t mention if he has a pillow ass, though, I mean turnabout is fair play and all. I’m guessing he doesn’t. If you respond to this ad, you don’t get coffee, fritters, or an ass pillow. It’s all for him only. Selfish bastard.
So if 69 is double oral sex… is 96 double ass-pillowing?
I’m a short, curvy woman and I can think of about a hundred things I’d rather do that take some asshat stranger tasty snacks and then service him sexually. Like recaulk the tub, clip the cats’ claws, or post on YSaC, for example.
Oh, hi there! While you give me oral sex without me doing you anything in return, at the same time as baking me snacks, would you mind trimming my tiny rabbit’s nails? They’ll only scratch you a little bit! Thanks!
yeah. i am definitely with you there. after i got done reading the post, i couldnt stop laughing. i kinda like asschapeau also.
“Keep your wig on” sounds like something you say when someone’s getting impatient.
“Hold on, angle, keep your wig on, I’m nearly done with the second coffe!”
And Wawa? Really? I’ve always thought it was like the disappointment sound effect on a bad sitcom. “Wa-wa-wa-WAHHHH.”
It’s a chain of gas stations.
Oh, I knew that, I was just making fun of the name.
I always get a giggle from Washington Mutual shortening its name to WaMu. I would not feel comfortable banking at a place that sounds like a toddler named it.
Sarajean, I completely agree… I thought that they had thrown babies out the windows during the stock market crash and for some superstitious reason, had decided to name their company the sound the babies had made on the way down.
I had no idea what a Wawa was until the first time I ever came to New Jersey. Driving directions given to me included the line “Turn at the jug handle after the Wawa.” It also didn’t help that I was driving an 18 wheeler while trying to sort out this massive WTF.
I HATE NJ jug handles! There’s always some a-hole trying to cut me off mid-amphora.
And I usually find myself snickerimg when my mom tells me, “Dad and I had your brother Steve stop in at the WaWa to get us coffee and crumb cake before Mass yesterday”.
“What mom, no apple fritters before Communion?”
This was posted on datewrecks.com a few days ago…
Heh. Oops. I’m sure Jami won’t mind the duplication.
I mean, it’s the internet. There is bound to be some crossover, right?
We do need to coordinate another tagteam post again soon! I’ll keep my eyes open for something juicy.
Does she need to be shorter than 5’4″ so he can hold her chest while laying on her rear? How can he figure out the math for that and not spell “lady?”
Oh, freaks can be real clever and hard-working when it comes to getting a fetish fulfilled.
Don’t tell our seeeecrreeeetttts! -Moans and buries head under pillow-
I know you meant to say “asspillow,” Igor!
He’s a high-functioning sexual autistic. He can determine the exact height and geometry of any potential BJ angle and coffe delivery dream date, but he can’t spel for crp.
“Sexual Autistic” would make a great band name. It ranks right up there with Panty Splinters.
How about “Wig Fritters”?
“Wig Fritters” is making me think of a B-52s tribute band.
I’d be tempted to take my wig off, just to be defiant. Although I’d definitely have to bring the apple fritters, if that were the case. Things would get ugly with no wig and no fritters.
My first thought on reading this was “F***ing hell, guys like this are out there and my mother wonders why I’m still single.” What I’m wondering is why ones like this are the only sort I’m able to meet most of the time (the ones that aren’t like this – usually already taken).
Subtext here: Spend your own money for my caffeine and sugar (but not in the coffee) fix. Allow me to use you for my pleasure [there’s no mention of reciprocation of oral favors] and express interest in your physical features only. Be short and (seemingly) bald or otherwise in need of detachable hair that I don’t want you to remove (not even the merkin, if you have one, apparently).
Dream date? Is he f***ing kidding? No date is better than this date. I’d rather sit home by myself, if for no other reason than I know I can have satisfaction if I want it – and without having to stop for coffee.
-Reads post-
Guys like this make me look good.
Now THAT is saying something.
So, do you wish for some…. reciprocation? 😉
actually, i was thinking how much fun a root canal would be rather than a ‘date’ with this skeeve. sign me, very short lsdy. and i’d rather have scones than fritters. other than that, he sounds, eh…
I’ve just had tooth implant surgery using a torque wrench and drill and it was far, far preferable to answering to this jerk. Fortunately given the reference to Wawa he’s in USA and I’m in UK so its never going to happen. Back to trigonometry by the fire.
Every time a bell rings, an angle gets its wings! Especially if they’re loaded up with liquid caffeine from the WaWa!
Until I read this I thought he typo’ed ‘angler’ in reference to whatever an “African Fish” is. But since nothing else in this post is related, I guess it could go either way.
Oh, I’m positive he’s looking for an angel to come and bring him some WaWa joe.
More than likely he’ll have to settle for a fish—with a wig on—who robs him of all his earthly fritters while he thinks he’s taking his spooning nap on a pillow of butt.
I need to be Grammar Slapped for that last sentence…
“Could go either way.” Hur hur hur.
Butt seriously, when I first read it for some reason I thought it was a woman writing the ad. Silly me.
Yep, Celeste, this was on DateWrecks. It’s so bad it’s invaded my TWO favorite websites.
And as opossed to yesterday, I have NO way of making this one sound innocent….
And will someone PLEASE tell me if I’m missing a dirty proverb? “African Fish”???
On a vaguely related note, a member brought a plate of freshly baked brownies to my branch today. She did it voluntarily, without the promise of sexual services, so take that, creepy fish guy! (Although she probably could have recieved ‘services’ if she asked, these are truly magnificent brownies. Made from scratch,just the right mix of cakey and gooey and still warm. With three kinds of chocolate chips.)
Thanks a lot, I just ate part of my monitor while reading that.
It was like my tongue was having an orgasm. I’m sad that they are gone. She also brings in chocolate chip cookies, made with peanut butter and dried cranberries, that are still warm. If it wasn’t illegal I would kidnap her and chain her to my stove.
Why would you care if it’s legal or not? 😛
My friend and I have a term for this type of food experience: mouth orgasm. (Did I just type that at work?) Which we shorten to MO, pronounced em-oh (not “emo”). e.g., “Was it good?” “MO!” “I see!” etc.
why can’t customers bring that sort of stuff to my branch?? Our customers give us the store brand shortbread cookies – good but not like what that deliciousness sounds like!
Hell sarajean, forget sexual services, I would have re-tiled her bathroom for brownies THAT good!
JcT, I love the new & improved avatar. Tuffy looks eminently capable of a grammar slap to end them all.
Oh, she is, she IS. Just try saying something like “Me and Lola are fixin’ to go get us some brownies from sarajean’s friend.”
The look she’ll give you will make you slap YOURSELF!
Thanks! 🙂
“Goood mourning-” the kind of mourning that occurs when your lazy-ass fritter-loving boyfriend wakes up from his “pillow” and finds his “African fish” has been detached by his lsdy. Or am I coming at it from the wrong angle?
What about Alonzo? Now THAT was a good Mourning.
Unless you’re a Syracuse fan
Mourning doves are quite good as well. I’ve heard they taste like chicken.
Is this a repeat on this site? I can’t find it in the archives – but I swear I saw this before, really. Did I see it on another site? Oh God, I hope so, if not I have no other way to explain these empty venti containers and my missing wig.
I just figured out I saw this ad on datewrecks before. I am so relieved – I really thought I was going crazy. Now, where ‘s my wig?
You were supposed to leave it on, no pillow butt for you.
As far as making oneself feel better by reading this stuff goes, I find the thought process goes something like this:
“Oh man, I hate being single. Maybe it is because I slouch, or I don’t have a very well paying job. *sighs, posts to craigslist and begins browsing the male posts out of curiosity* …oh…oh GOD. Well, at least I have SOME hope of meeting someone, unlike this character D=”
I’m actually guilty of this.
*Hangs head in shame*
I’ll be feeling lonely and contemplate posting an ad. Then I browse through the personals and think,” These are the people who would read MY ad. I wouldn’t want to share a bus seat with them, much less give them a chance to see me naked.” Then I go buy a bottle of wine and pull up my Netflix queue.
It’s like going to a state fair or a Walmart. Makes you feel better about your self, friends, and family all at the same time.
I do this kind of thing, and it only makes me ashamed to be part of their species…
Why is that?
Or you could just visit http://www.peopleofwalmart.com – you get the same feeling without having to leave the house.
*Asschapeau* hehehehehehehe
What in the hell does ‘African Fish’ have to do with any of that creepery? That’s what -I- wanna know.
I dearly hope it isn’t what I’m thinking of. Because that’s just gross.
If he is an African fish – then I think it’s pretty clear that in every sense, he would be a bottom feeder.
I can’t even make a coherent comment on this without being completely confused beyond all reason. I feel for all you single ladies out there!
Nice try, “Cyrus”… or should I say “MR. FISH”?????
My name is Cyrus (lol). Don’t make me get my birth certificate out. There is no way I could have written that without cringing at the spelling problems. Besides, I’m engaged so I’ve been off the market for awhile. (:
No, you’ve got it all wrong. Clearly this guy is looking to buy drugs-he’s looking for the right LSDy. I’m not hip enough to know what the y stands for, but it’s obvious even to me what he’s after!
Why do so many of these ads aim themselves at (presumably) women with a deep desire to be abused and disregarded? On a feminist level, I’m pissed. I have to get off this woman’s studies kick. I spend all my time being pissed. Maybe a few stupid romance novels will help.
I don’t think he’s looking to buy drugs — he seems to have plenty, which is why he can’t pay for his own coffee and fritters.
You guys go ahead and rip this up. I’ll watch over here while plotting the overthrow of the patriarchy. Those who advertise for free coffee and ass pillows go up against the wall first.
I’m more for boobie pillows. 😀
What? I didn’t say I’d be abusive and disregard the source of said pillows.. Just that I like boobs.
I can practically smell the females coming to beat me with police batons for this comment… Hold on for a second, while I spray some Axe, so they’ll all decide to sex me instead. (I hate Axe commercials. And the product. A lot. “I smell good! Now girls will sex me no matter how big of a douchebag I am! Yayyy!”)
‘(“I smell good! Now girls will sex me no matter how big of a douchebag I am! Yayyy!”)’
Like pretty much every other ad, ever, that’s a LIE … though if the feminazis come for you, spraying Axe will keep you safe, if not get you laid; the scent should effectively repel them!
Overthrown Patriarchy, live and in concert!
I’m fairly disappointed. I thought the “African Fish” title would lead to some blasphemous description of an aquarium or tropical fish of some sort.
Then seeing it is a “dating” ad.. I thought more along the lines of “Shawshank Redemption” and the “Fish” chant early in the movie..
Or.. It could be part of a Dr. Seuss parody..
One Fish, Two Fish.
Caucasian Fish, African Fish.
I’m curious as to how he intends to spoon AND use your butt as a pillow at the same time. Clearly he didn’t think this through.
Not to mention… if you can’t be more than 5’4″… and your butt is by his face… that’d leave both of you in a very uncomfortable position, and him in a quite compromising one. He’d better hope you don’t thrash around in your sleep or suffer from night flatulence.
… I’ve already put way too much thought into this.
Angle for blowjob procurement purposes delivered. (I’m assuming he’s wildly underendowed.)
i wasnt good at geometry – so is this angle kinda like the square of the hypotenuse or something?
Re: keeping the wig on: the Sealab 2021 cartoon had a character with, in one episode, a very bad fake mustache . . .
I just read through all the comments and am amazed that if Andrew is single and a bunch of us ladies are single, why we don’t try to get more info from Andrew to hopefully be less single??
I’ve got his email address, ladies. Shall we start the bidding?
Two lattes and a half-eaten fritter!
I’ll spring for a mocha and a slice of lemon pound cake!
Okay, so, let’s go over this:
1. Ms. Angle brings Mr. Fish 2 coffees and apple fritters.
2. Mr. Fish eats fritters, drinks coffee while Ms. Angle… makes him happy.
3. Mr. Fish, hopped up on caffeine and sugar, spoons with Ms. Angle.
4. Ms. Angle, not allowed to partake of the delicious repast, falls asleep out of sheer boredom.
5. Mr. Fish, still hopped up on legal stimulants, amuses himself with Ms. Angle.
6. Ms. Angle awakens to find a kidney missing. Or, you know, whatever else creepy Mr. Fish does to her while she’s asleep.
Sounds like an ideal date to me, sure! Nothing could go wrong there.
Wait…wait…Drexel Hill…Wawa…?
Oh God that means this guy lives near me.
Like, close to me.
Uncomfortably close. D:
Next-town-over close.
…
I’m scared.
Also, I have a rather large bottom to be used for ass-pillows, and I am close to 5’4″. I don’t have a wig, but he may be willing to compromise.
More importantly, are you a quite angle with increadable tits?
Also, he’s going to eat a pile of apple fritters, drink two 20 oz. coffees and then go to sleep right after the blowjob? A perfict ending to a dream date come true indeed.
… Holy sh*t, guys.
I just realized-
Hugh Heffner started using Craigslist!
I have read through all the comments and I am amazed that I seem to be the only one who thought this was a joke. I mean, African fish? Wig? Seriously? I figured it was some teenage kids with too much time on their hands messing around posting fake ads on CL. The fact that all of you intelligent and experienced people seem to think this is legit makes me never want to leave my apartment again. Apparently I am way too naive!