YSaC, Vol. 1647: Hey Mr. Spaceman
Somewhere, deep in the New Mexico desert…
“Major, we’ve got a problem.”
“What’s that?”
“We’ve run out of leads on finding new aliens to hide from the American public.”
“How is that possible? It’s pretty much been ET central around here since Roswell.”
“Mostly, I think it’s because of the new checked baggage fees – most alien species won’t put up with that crap.”
“Damn. OK, activate plan Baker Nine.”
“We can’t, sir – we’re out of strawberry custard.”
“Baker Ten?”
“Won’t work in an even numbered year.”
“Baker Eleven?”
“Sorry, sir – Abe Vigoda is actually still alive.”
“OK, fine – just leave me alone and go put an ad on Craigslist or something.”
Need ET’s For Questionare
Answer Questions for Survey
Questions asked by Earth-born Human and needs voluntary information via scientific survey. Survey is specifically designed for “non-Earth” humans and/or humanoids. Survey has a range of topics. Please use anonymous email and send your email link.
Your participation is strictly anonymous (at least from my point of view…)
Will wish to meet you as part of this survey (in public or private location.)
Yes, this survey is only for ‘extraterrestrials’ and does not wish to interview native Earth born humans.
Thanks for the post, Kim!
So, Sparky, y’ got any proof y’r an Earth-born person?
I’d be willing to wager that my world and Spark’s are sufficiently different as to equate to having differing space-time localities (if requiring some non-Cartesian geometry and rather a bit too mush quantum-probability geometries).
Thank you for agreeing to meet me here. I figured you’d like it here because no earthling would have come up with Starbucks. Does every alien from the Epsilon-Minus Quadrant speak such good English? Oh, and what was Plan 10 going to be?
The NSA is going to have a field day with this. Shoot, I’ve said too much already. Where’s my tinfoil hat?! The humanoids are coming and I’m woefully unprepared! Has anyone seen my probe?
Sorry, MissMommy….those tinfoil hats don’t really work anyway…the voices still get through. Trust me… Sorry….The hemoroids are ARE coming, and I, too, am woefully unprepared. Preparation H won’t help us now…..by the way, I gots your probe right here. I’ll send anonymous e-mail with more info….be sure and open all spam and attachments, just in case.
I should have known that was a fake mustache! You’re not an earth-born human at all, are you?
I worked one summer at Philmont Scout Ranch in northern New Mexico. I worked in a backcountry camp. One of the scout crews that came through was from Roswell, Georgia. An adult leader turned to the camp staff and asked where we were from. I was the only native New Mexican. He asked how far Area 51 is from Roswell. I laughed and said “There’s Roswell. Then you travel through most of New Mexico, all of Arizona, and a bit of Nevada.” He was quite disappointed. He thought the two were only miles apart from each other, and he said the town of Roswell, Georgia really plays up the Area 51 connection. Car dealerships with blow-up aliens and such.
“Hey, I need to fly into that Tucumcari place, izzat anywhere near Taos?”
“What!? Whaddyamean, I should fly in from Amarillo? That’s in Texas!”
“Huh? Haw could it be closer’n Santa Fe?”
“Wait, what? I should fly to Lubbock, then Amarillo? It’s how many miles?”
Life is hard. Life is harder as sparkii.
Cap’n,
I would also expect sparkii to ask if they need to bring a passport, where they can change their money into pesos, and if it’s safe to drink the water.
What proof of extraterrestriality will you accept, Sparky? We’re not supposed to show our intergalactic passports to anyone except authorized TSA agents.
Roswellhumanoidalexrtraterrestriality.
If you think I’m humanoid it really is a pity.
Look real close and you will notice I’m some kind of kitty.
Roswellhumanoidalexrtraterrestriality.
Just let him (or her—why do we automatically assume Sparky is a male?) feel your invisible antennae. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Nice try, Agent Mulder. But you’re not learning the truth about your sister and the cigarette guy that easily.
My planet doesn’t issue long form birth certificates. Will you accept a short-form as proof?
I don’t know what a birth certificate is but I hear they are very important. Where can I get one of these births and how do I get it certified?
Well, first you have to go to Hawaii, and have a mom and a dad. I hear.
Hey! I’ve spent way too many of your Earth years blending into your…I mean, sorry, I’m not an extraterrestrial at all. Nope. I’m not the ‘noid you’re looking for.
I don’t know how to do this.
I think there’s a law if you ask an E.T. three times if they are an alien they have to answer truthfully….just like with narcs….
Since my internal clock does not coordinate with the Sun, I think I was born on another planet. However, it seems the Men in Black used one of those neuralyzer thingies on me, and substituted another story about my being born in Manhattan. Is that close enough?
Check date – checks again.
No still not 1st April.
Bursts into tears.
“Is there no hope for humanity?”
Collapses.
(pssst, hey Spark’, good plan, but Ms. Braswell don’t pronounce her name that way . . . )
Greetings my friends! We are all interested in the future, For that is where
you and Iwe are going to spend the rest of our lives.Earthakin Sparky’s feeble attempt to profess our intact anonymity while meeting face to face has materially failed.
We are well aware of plan Baker Eleven which we have dubbed ‘The Ahby Vigoda Dance With Stars Gambit’ and have completed erecting our Hadrian-Otterman defenses. Prepare for French prudential armwar.
We have acquired the requisite amount of emasculated wombats and bred them with soft, fluffy bunnies to help create a most excellent bunwombastic lined, ultimate sheeptastic throne. Granted, it took us a while to realize that the wombats must first be bred with the bunnies prior to introducing them to the female of their species, but once done, they make excellent pests. …er, minions.
We require only a red table to proceed.
You had better brush-up on your Kobayashi Maru.
Hi Sparks,
If I fill out your silly questionare, will you let me use your account to place a long distance call?
I have to wonder how Sparky learned of the top secret Government project, (code name Adam and Eve,) to colonize Mars with humans. In a clandestine mission, launched in 2001, NASA surreptitiously transported three adult males and three pregnant adult females of various cultures and races to Mars, with the objective to create a colony of humans on the planet. The project was not intended to be revealed to the public until the oldest Mars-born child reached 18 years of age.
At least that’s what the little green men living in my attic told me.
That could be a while. A Mars year is 686.98 Earth days