You Suck at Craigslist

!!!!! CHECKERS !!!!

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Works no longer need

PLEASE EMAIL ME A DAY AND TIME you would like to pick up.

How do you KNOW those checkers really work? Have they been thoroughly tested? What if I get these checkers, and then find myself the Republican nominee for the vice-presidency? If I should subsequently find myself embroiled in a fundraising scandal, are you absolutely sure that giving an emotional, heartfelt speech about these will rescue my political career, leaving me free to become president, attempt to wiretap my opponent during my reelection bid, and then resign in disgrace to prevent impeachment over the subsequent cover-up? Because I think that’s absolutely essential.

Assuming you CAN assure me of this, how’s next Tuesday at 3?

Thanks for the link, Jooley!

Writer Needed For Very Small Job

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I need a writer to writer to write a letter for me about an unethical situation to an ethics board.

This letter needs to be extremely heartfelt and compelling.

Please let me know if you are interested.

Thanks

I assume you’ll want a writing sample, yes? How’s this:

Dear Ethics Board,

I wish to report an ethics violation. Specifically, I wish to complain about someone hoping to pass off another person’s correspondence as their own. They have been soliciting for someone to write a letter to an ethics board for them, which they would then submit under their own name. I find this highly objectionable, and would urge that you take immediate action to discipline this person for their actions.

Love and Kisses,
Dan the Ostrimu

What do you think? Do I get the job?

(Thanks for the submission, Naomi!)

An amazing – $550

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anything rly. Call me

In the “Doctrine of Labyrinths” series of novels by Sarah Monette, “mazing” is an extremely bad thing to have happen to you. It involves a fairly dark form of magic that traps your essence within a spiritual maze which is extremely difficult to escape. I think I have that right. It’s a really fantastic series of books, and highly recommended.

Somehow, I don’t think this has anything to do with that.

It’s possible that out of ALL the instances of five hundred and fifty dollars in the world, this guy has the SINGLE most amazing combination of U.S. Grant and William McKinley you ever saw.

That’s probably not it, either.

Perhaps he’s collecting anything related to the “O Rly” owl.

Somehow, I doubt this is the right explanation.

Oh, wait, I know!

He’s an idiot!

Thanks for the link, DS!

Big worker light – $15

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I have a big spot light thing, it worked when the handyman was here……I think it needs a light bulb……he left it behind. call ###-####

I love the semantic ambiguity in that title.

Is it a light for a worker who is big?
Is it a worker light, that happens to be big?
Is it a big light that works hard?
Is it a big worker who is nonetheless extremely underweight?
Is it…

Wait a minute! You’re selling a light that your handyman left behind?

Asshat.

Thanks for the link, Ciera!

Hey gents! We’ve got another real winner for you! You can tell they’re real, because they say so right in the ad:

REAL AND FUN – w4m

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REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REAL AND FUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, they’re also fun.

Men! Want money? Here’s a woman (maybe) who will pay you!

I’ll pay you! – w4m

The devil’s always in the details, though, isn’t it? Let’s see what they want you to do…

All I need you to do is to take a picture..

Well, that doesn’t seem too hard, does it?

1-) You can’t be seeing.

You want a BLIND man to take your picture? O-kaaaay…

2-) I need a clear face pic or whole body.
3-) You take the pic, and give it to me.
4-) You get $200 and we never see each other again.

If he’s blind, he wouldn’t have seen you in the first place, right?

I’ll give you all the info, You must have a car… Discretion is advised!

Must have a CAR? A BLIND GUY? I should THINK he’d want to be discreet about that. I’m not sure how much LUCK he’d have, however. Presumably a blind person driving around might be a tad conspicuous. Although it’s certainly theoretically possible:

No games! also let me know, when can you do it, I need it as soon is possible!
DO NOT EMAIL ME ASKING FOR A PIC.. I need you take a picture to someone else…If you are afraid, Don’t bother!

Wait, I’m confused. Is the driving blind guy supposed to give YOU the picture, or take it to someone else?

You know what? Unlike a LOT of the things we post here, this actually makes me HAPPY I have functioning eyeballs.

Thanks for the link, Diana!